Chapter 8: Forgiveness

The portal opened on the other side and the four of them landed rather gracelessly on a thin, cold and white layer.

"It's snowing!" Henry exclaimed. He was the first one to get back on his feet. He looked up and a bright smile lit up his features as he saw the castle. "We did it! We're home!"

Liam offered his hand to Emma and helped her stand up. His brother was the last one on the ground.

"I may be wrong, but it feels like something happened. Something wrong," Liam said, examining Killian's features, still unaware about everything that had happened on Bethesda Terrace.

"Milah was Regina," Emma said bluntly.

"What?" Henry asked, turning around to face his mother. "So you were right?"

"Yes."

"Wait," Killian spoke, finally getting back on his feet. "You knew?"

"I had suspicions. Suspicions you wiped away when you told me how nice she was." Seeing this piece of information was not improving his mood, Emma gestured Liam and Henry to go ahead. "Tell my parents we're back. We're right behind you."

"Alright."

"Killian," she said once they were alone, both standing in the middle of the path leading up to the castle. "We're back home, safe and sound. And Milah… well, Milah happens to have never been part of this story, which means we don't even have to worry about her."

"Don't you understand? Milah is not the problem. I am the problem. I've been so blind. And because of that, I did the only thing I swore to myself I would never do: I've hurt you."

"Liam said you would blame yourself," Emma sighed.

"How long did that last? Almost three weeks? Almost three weeks I've spent doing nothing but to hurt you. And Henry. While I was sharing the bed of the Evil Queen. And you're telling me everything is alright?"

"It is, now. And about the Evil Queen… In Battery Park, you told me nothing had happened between the two of you. Unless that changed during the past week…"

"Nothing happened during the past week. But that doesn't solve the problem, Emma. She set a trap for me, and I plunged in headfirst. I was weak."

"Killian, that was not just a trap. She wiped away all your memories, you've been cursed! How does that make you weak?"

"A true love's kiss should have been enough to make me remember."

"Precisely. That proves my point. Do you even know why it didn't work?" she asked and he looked at her inquiringly. "It didn't work because the man I love believes in good form and would let nothing make him stray from the straight and narrow," she explained while placing a hand over his heart. "That has nothing to do with weakness. It's strength."

Killian shook his head. "I should have believed in our love."

"You need to forgive yourself."

"How? How am I supposed to look at you without thinking of how much harm I've done to you?"

She took her hand back from his chest. Hearing that he was thinking of this when he looked at her broke her heart, and tears filled her eyes. "What about our love? What about this whole year we spent together and all these moments of happiness? Why can't you think of this when you look at me?"

There seemed to be even more pain in his eyes. "I've done so much harm to you."

"It wasn't you. You didn't know."

"I don't deserve you."

"Killian… Please stop. You're making it even worse." His eyes were watering and it was making hers tear even more. "We've both suffered enough. You just have to forgive yourself. The thing is… no matter how many times I tell you, you have to do it yourself. Forgive yourself, because I forgive you."

"How can you forgive me so easily?"

"Because there's not a moment when I blamed you for what happened! This is not your fault! You've been cursed. Would you let me blame myself for being in this sleeping curse?"

"Of course not."

"Then, please don't blame yourself. You were cursed, none of this was your fault. Let's just say it was my turn to bring you home."

His eyes were full of love and pain. "How will I ever make it right?"

"Never let me go again," she whispered.

She didn't know whether it was because of her words or because she had just shivered with cold, but Killian pulled her into a hug.

"Let's go home," he said in a low voice.

They went to the castle together, but Killian was not done blaming himself. If he managed to conceal his feelings during the reunion with Snow and Charming, they didn't go unnoticed during lunch. When Snow caught her daughter's eye, she meaningfully glanced at Killian, who was stirring the content of his plate with his fork without eating it. Emma shrugged and shook her head, unwilling to explain even if she could guess what was going on inside his head. He seemed to be miles away but somehow noticed the silent exchange between the women: he looked up and his eyes full of guilt and sadness shifted from one to the other. He gazed at Emma and silently apologized before addressing the rest of the table.

"I'm sorry, I need to go."

He got up and headed to the door, but Emma followed him.

"Killian…"

She took his hand to hold him back and he turned around.

"You don't have to worry, love. I'll be back in a few hours."

"Do you promise?" she whispered.

"I do. I just need some time to think in a familiar place. The castle is not familiar enough yet. I'll be on the Jolly Roger."

Her eyes watered in front of his obvious pain. "Forgive yourself."

"Love… No tears." He did his best to conceal his negative feelings and let show only his love for her. "Come here."

Killian tenderly pulled her into a hug and she sighed with relief, holding onto him.

"Tell me we'll be alright," she said in a low voice.

"We'll be alright."

He kissed her cheek, softly let go of her hand and left the room. It was only when he was out of sight that she went back to the table.

"He just needs some time," Snow reassured her.

Emma nodded but replied nothing and listened to her son instead. Her parents had been kept informed by Liam on the few times when he had visited her in New York. They didn't know only about what had happened during the last week and Henry gladly resolved it. He had great pleasure in sharing the tale which Emma was not keen to tell herself, and also in describing all the aspects he had enjoyed the most in this other realm. The boy enlarged on the Harry Potter books he had brought back from there. His audience seemed eager to listen to him but Emma soon found herself distracted by her own thoughts as they drifted back to Killian. Thinking of this moment right before he had left, of how he had tried to hide how bad he was feeling and of his hug and his kiss, she was hoping he would soon come back. They had barely reunited that he had left again. She had so many things to tell him. She looked down and covered her abdomen with her hands; she had to wait for him to feel better before sharing this news with him, but she didn't know how much longer she would be able to keep it secret.

"Emma?" Snow called, following her daughter at the end of the meal. But Emma didn't have in mind to talk, and she noticed. "Oh, you want to be alone, right?"

"Just for a moment. If that's okay."

"Of course that's okay!" Snow reassured. "We have plenty of time to talk later."

Emma nodded and left. She retrieved the envelope from Henry's bag and went to her bedroom. It was the first time since they had left that she was coming back to this room, and she understood why Killian wasn't finding it familiar enough: they had spent there only a few hours, in the afternoon. The upcoming night would be the first they would spend at the castle – hopefully. After placing the envelope on the bedside table, she let herself fall back on the bed and, staring at the ceiling, repeated to herself that Killian only needed some time. He had promised he would come back. Meanwhile, she needed to keep herself busy.

Catching hold of the envelope, she opened it and placed a hand on her abdomen while she gazed at the sonogram.

"Soon, he will know," she whispered with her lips stretched into a smile.

More than anything, she wanted to tell Killian. But she couldn't at the moment. Looking around, she noticed Operation True Love, the book written by Henry and retracing her and Killian's story, lying on the other bedside table. It had surely been put there by her parents, as the last time she had seen it was on the Jolly Roger. It reminded her of something else she had asked her father to bring back to the room: Killian's pirate's outfit. But it was not inside the closet. The hook was also not on the chest of drawers anymore; Emma guessed that Killian had come to the room before going to the Jolly Roger. Resisting the temptation to go out on the balcony and try to see him aboard the ship, she grabbed the book and tried to distract herself by reading. At first, it did work. But soon, she wanted the man she was reading about to be by her side, and reading became insufficient. Closing it and slipping the envelope under the cover, she abandoned both on the bedside table and went outside.

Not familiar with the castle yet, she was also not used to the splendid view her balcony was offering. The ocean was stretching to the horizon and, below, the village was blanketed with snow. A white layer was also covering the curved balustrade. The Jolly Roger was visible but the deck looked deserted. Shivering with cold, she went back inside, and sighed when she opened the closet: the clothes were nothing like what she was used to wear. Scoping the wardrobe, she stopped on an off-white piece of clothing which didn't look like a dress. It happened to be a hooded cloak that, she decided, would fit the purpose. She returned outside and squinted to examine the Jolly Roger. There he was: she was seeing a black dot and could easily imagine Killian leaning on the railing of the ship and gazing at the horizon. But she could also envision the expression on his face and she suddenly felt downhearted as memories of New York invaded her mind.

"Emma?"

She started with surprise and turned around to face her father. The smile she faked didn't seem to dupe him and he looked concerned.

"Your mother told me you wanted to be alone for a moment. I just don't know how long a moment you need. I can give you some more time if you want to."

"No, it's fine. You can stay."

He looked her up and down, examining the off-white hooded cloak she was wearing over her clothes from the other realm, and flashed her a crooked smile. "That's an interesting combination."

"Don't laugh," she said, unable to repress a genuine smile herself. She was recognizing her father well there: joking and teasing her to try and make her laugh. "Finding matching clothes wasn't as important as watching over Killian."

"What is he doing down there?" Charming asked while coming to stand by her side.

"He wanted to be in a familiar place to think," Emma said, gazing at the Jolly Roger. "He's not taking all of this very well, he's blaming himself, he thinks everything is his fault and says he should have believed in our love and let the true love's kiss work."

"He probably just needs some time."

"I know. I've been told that twice already," she sighed.

"How are you handling all of this? Are you okay?"

Emma shrugged and tore her gaze away from the ship to look her father in the eye. "All this time in New York, I thought I would just need to find a way for him to recover his memories. But it's not enough to get him back. He's not the same. He's being distant because of all this guilt… He's holding himself responsible for everything that happened and, no matter how many times I tell him, he won't forgive himself. I don't know what to do anymore."

Needing to free herself of this burden, she said all of this at once. Not finding the words, her father pulled her into a hug, cradling the back of her head and giving her some of the comfort she needed. When he pulled away, he searched her eyes.

"Do you mind if I go and talk to him?"

Surprised as she wondered what he intended to tell Killian, Emma settled for shaking her head, and soon found herself alone on the balcony.

"Killian?"

"Mate," he greeted.

Killian didn't need to turn around to know whom the familiar voice belonged to. The absence of footsteps indicated the royal had stopped before walking on deck. Taking a deep breath, Killian turned his head to face the man who was standing at the top of the stairs leading down to the docks.

"Come on board."

Inviting him aboard his ship was the polite thing to do, even if he would have preferred to be left alone and muse as he pleased. Not expecting his visit, Killian inquiringly looked at him.

"You should be up there, at the castle, with all of us. And mostly, with Emma."

Killian sighed and turned to the ocean. He had isolated himself on his ship to think, and was not ready to go back to Emma yet; he was not ready to look at the one he loved and missed without hating himself for everything he had made her go through during the past month.

"Is that your leather jacket?" Charming asked, once again interrupting his musings.

"Aye," Killian confirmed, his jaw clenching as he gazed at the black item of clothing floating away. After getting his belongings back at the castle, he had come to his ship and changed, trading the fake hand and the leather jacket he had been wearing in New York for his hook and usual leather coat. "We, sailors, use to throw our dead into the water. The man I was in this damn realm is no longer."

"She's right, you know? None of us blames you for what happened. You need to forgive yourself."

"Aye, I've been told that. But despite the forgiveness of others, I'm not there yet." Looking down, he swept the thin layer of snow away from the railing. "I intended to propose to her – on her birthday, right before we saw the lights in the sky and we found you."

"Intended?" Charming repeated. "Have you changed your plans?"

"Not only have I lost the ring I had for her," Killian said, his jaw clenching at the thought of the Evil Queen having it; it had been in his pocket during the royal ball and so when he had fallen through the portal. That was how she had found it, and perhaps even what had given her the idea of making him believe he was engaged to Milah. He shook off the idea. Thinking of Emma calmed him down but sorrow prevailed. "I've also lost the confidence I had. The confidence that I was good enough. I had sworn to myself that I would never do her any wrong, but I've done nothing but to hurt her lately. More than a whole month doing nothing but to cause her pain." Self-loathing made him clench his jaw again and he turned to Charming. "After all of this, how could I possibly deserve her?"

"Stubborn, aren't you? Convinced that it's all your fault even when we assure you it's not..."

"But it is my fault," Killian insisted, repeating what he had told Emma. "I was weak. I've always told Emma nothing would ever stop me from loving her, and it only took a magic trick to prove me wrong."

"It wasn't a simple magic trick. It was dark magic. And it didn't prove you wrong, because you actually never stopped loving her. I wasn't there, but Emma, Liam and Henry all told me what happened. I haven't heard your version of the story, but would you be able to look me in the eye and affirm that, from the moment when she came to your apartment, you have thought of anything but her?" Charming defiantly looked at Killian who averted his eyes without saying a word. Taking his silence as an answer, he went on. "That's because, deep down, you've always loved her. You simply refused to see it because you're a man of honor."

His words sounded like Emma's, but Killian still refused to believe them. "How would you know that?"

"Believe me or not, I know what it feels like. A long time ago, I was engaged to another woman. A wedding for the merger of two kingdoms. But I met Snow and everything changed. I had a choice; I could follow the rules, or follow my heart. It didn't take me long before deciding to follow my heart. But for me, the choice was easy. The situation you faced was much worse, as what you wanted to run away from wasn't an arranged wedding, but what you thought was a genuine love that you simply had forgotten because of an accident. Regina played quite a number on you. She made you feel guilty for not being in love with someone you had actually never loved and, in addition to this guilt, Emma knocked on your door and unwillingly made your life even more complicated because, despite the curse, true love happened. It happened because it simply can't be stopped, but it also made you feel even more guilty because you felt like you were not in love with the right person. Isn't that right?"

"Aye, that is," Killian admitted, his eyebrows creased. Staring at the horizon, he had been carefully listening, but still couldn't see a reason to forgive himself. "That doesn't change the fact I've hurt her."

"Definitely stubborn," Charming commented. "My point was that you were facing an impossible situation and Regina is the one to blame for all of this. The only reason why you didn't go to Emma was that you're a man of honor: you didn't want to deceive the one you thought you were supposed to love, and that is not something you should blame yourself for." Seeing that Killian was looking away, frowning and clenching his jaw, he went on. "Since you don't seem to believe me, let me tell you another part of the story. Perhaps it'll help you see the situation in a different way. Emma told me the true love's kiss didn't work the first time. But that doesn't call your love for her into question. The fact it didn't work only reflects what you wanted to believe at this moment. Years ago, Snow and I went through something similar. This was at the beginning of our story. What you can call my adoptive father forced her to make me believe she didn't love me and to leave. Instead of living with the pain, she preferred to drink a potion which made her forget me. When I found her, like Emma when she found you, I thought a true love's kiss could make her remember and fix everything. But when I kissed her, nothing happened. I tried to explain to her, but she didn't want to hear it. This potion had not only made her forget who I was: she had also lost sight of who she was. She had got it into her head that she wanted to kill the Evil Queen and nothing I would say could change that. But the woman I knew would have never committed such an act. She told me she appreciated action more than words and, since I couldn't let her fill her heart with darkness, I took the arrow aimed at the Evil Queen. It made her realize that I meant it when saying that I loved her. That was when she decided to kiss me and, this time, it worked: her memories came back because she was willing to see the truth."

"And Snow didn't blame herself for making you go through all of this?" Killian asked. The thought of Emma taking an arrow for him was unbearable and he wondered if the emotional pain he had inflicted her was lesser.

"Well, things got complicated. We got separated so she didn't really have time for guilt. But I'm not sure she would have felt guilty, not for long anyway. We had already suffered long enough, guilt would have only made the pain last longer. She didn't blame herself, even if she had been the one to make the decision to drink that potion to forget everything. You didn't even decide anything, so why would you blame yourself? And before you say anything, let me add this: I never blamed Snow for drinking this potion. She had her reasons, she had suffered too. I can assure you Emma is feeling the same way. All I wanted was to be with her, and that's without a doubt what Emma wants too. She's waiting for you. I understand you may need some time, but brooding about what happened won't do you any good. Go back to her as soon as you can."

Killian nodded. "I will."

Charming flashed him a smile and amicably patted his shoulder. "I'm going back to the castle but one more thing before I leave: if you need some help to find a new ring, I know someone who can make you one."

He winked and walked away before Killian had time to find anything to say. This visit had been unexpected, but after all not so unwelcome. It had interrupted his musings about how to fix everything and make up for the wrong he had caused, but he had been going round in circles anyway and the man had offered him a new perspective. He was not ready to forgive himself, but at least he could understand why nobody else was blaming him.

Forgetting to eat, Emma was absent-mindedly stirring the content of her plate. She was not even aware of the conversations going on around her. During the afternoon, her moral had dropped: the more time had gone by, the worse she had been feeling. Even her father, who had come back confident from the Jolly Roger, assuring that the pirate would soon be back, had started to wonder if Killian hadn't pretended to agree with him only to dismiss him more quickly. Dinner time had come and Killian still wasn't there. Her parents, Henry, Liam and Ariel had assessed it was better to leave her in peace and they were right: after spending the end of the afternoon with them, she was not interested in taking part into their conversations anymore. The only one she wanted to talk to was Killian. He had said he would be back, but it had been hours already. It was while she was planning to walk down to the Jolly Roger after dinner that a voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Emma?"

This was the only voice she wanted to hear. Instantly, she looked up and a smile brightened her features as she saw the man she loved standing on the doorstep. With a move of the head, he indicated her to join him and without waiting, she stood up. She glanced at her mother as an apology for interrupting dinner like this, but Snow indicated her to go to Killian.

As she walked to him, Emma examined his expression, trying to guess whether these hours of thinking had provided him the comfort he had been looking for. When she was close enough, he held out his hand and pulled her out of the room.

"Killian…"

She actually didn't know what to say but didn't have time to think more about words anyway: he captured her lips and pinned her against the dark red tapestry of the corridor. The kiss was soft and passionate at the same time; the kind of kisses which could easily sweep her off of her feet. Wrapping her arms around his neck for some support during the kiss, she kept him close to her when it ended, keeping her eyes closed and passing her tongue over her lower lip.

"There's the man I missed," she whispered breathlessly. Leaning her head back against the wall, she searched his eyes. "Does this mean you finally forgave yourself?"

"Let's say that's in progress," he said, his smile reflecting hers. "Is the offer of you forgiving me still standing?"

"Killian. How many times will I need to tell you? I've never blamed you for what happened."

He flashed her a smile before looking down, seemingly examining her clothes as he took the off-white fabric of her dress between his fingers.

"You look beautiful."

"You'll have to thank my mother. I asked her for help." Memories of the afternoon made her repress a laugh. "I was wearing a cloak when I was on the balcony, and my father made it clear it didn't match the outfit I was wearing this morning."

"I won't thank your mother. You're not beautiful because of your clothes. You make these clothes beautiful."

"Killian…" She was tempted to roll her eyes but preferred to gaze at him instead.

Softly taking her hand, he remained silent and just devoured her with his eyes.

"I missed feeling like you're going to drill a hole in my head if you look at me any harder," she said. "Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are? It's so easy to get lost in them."

He chuckled; a sound she loved and which she had not heard in a long time. "And I had missed you swooning over me like this. It looks like you've lost the habit of having a devilishly handsome pirate in the surroundings."

Delighted to see he was teasing her, which she took as a sign everything was going back to normal, she replied on the same light tone. "That's not something I can get used to. And I don't want to. Swooning is enjoyable."

He laughed and their lips were reunited. He trailed kisses across her cheek and down her neck, and she felt like he was awaking every inch of skin his lips were touching.

"How I missed this," she breathed and he smiled against her skin.

"Well, it looks like someone has forgiven himself."

A smile was audible in the familiar voice and they both stopped to look at Snow.

"Oh, don't mind me, I'm just walking by," she said. "A cloak, that's what I need. It's getting cold. Well… probably not for everyone."

With a bright smile on her lips, she walked away, and Killian and Emma looked at each other. Because of how they had been caught in the act, they failed at repressing a laugh and leant forehead against forehead, simply enjoying the fact that they were together. Emma suddenly remembered what she wanted to tell him, and this moment felt like the right time.

"Killian?"

Standing up straight to look her in the eye, he raised an inquiring eyebrow and she lost her words.

"I…" After all, maybe it was not the time to say it. "Should we go back and have dinner with the others?"

He looked surprised and she guessed he knew this was not the question she had intended to ask in the first place. "Sorry I've interrupted your dinner. I should have waited."

"Don't worry. I didn't feel like eating." Considering the idea of going back to the dining room, she realized she had no interest in food at the moment. "Actually, I still don't."

"I don't either," he said.

"Good, because… there's something I need to tell you. Come."