Fruitful Endeavors

By Semerket

Chapter 6: Blabbermouth

Harley had slept in the car for most of the way home and went to bed after she ate and took her medicine. She had offered to clear the plates, but Ivy had insisted on doing it. She could tell that the blond was still wary of her. It was obvious that Ivy was still upset. Ivy wouldn't hold it against Harley forever, but the blond didn't need to know that; she could sweat it for a while.

Harley was snoring lightly as Ivy climbed into bed and snuggled up to her. It had been too long since she'd held Harley. She was almost afraid to go to sleep for fear that Harley would be gone when she woke up.

[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]

The same night…

Edward Nygma had a spring in his step as he strolled into the Iceberg Lounge. He couldn't wait to tell his fellow rogues about this conundrum. Yes, that's what it was. Poison Ivy at the supermarket? He hadn't seen any pigs flying. Catching sight of Two-Face and several others, he made a beeline for the bar.

"Eddie." He stopped and spun around when he heard a sultry voice.

He smiled mischievously, "Selina! How are you?"

She sauntered over to him with a positively amused expression. She was wearing a deliciously tight low-cut black dress; the cut was the first thing he noticed, her facial expression the second, followed by the expensive designer pumps and exquisite jewelry that she was unlikely to have obtained legally. She purred seductively, "I'm fine, Eddie. But you… You're up to something…" Her catlike eyes studied him intensely. "I just know it."

Edward felt dread at the look he was receiving. He felt like a ball of yarn that she might decide to destroy on a whim. "I have some interesting bits of information. I thought I'd share it with the others." There was a glint in his eye, "You won't want to miss this. Trust me." Then he turned and headed for the bar.

Selina raised an eyebrow and followed him over.

The Riddler strolled up to the bar and announced loudly, "I have a riddle that will trump all of you- the riddle of the decade to be exact!"

Two-Face rolled his good eye. He hated being interrupted when he was moping about his latest defeat at the hands of Batman. "Shut it, Nygma," Two-Face muttered as he continued nursing one of his two drinks. He hated his silly puzzle games. Riddler was in his thirties- grow the hell up already.

"Oh, I think you'll want to hear this juicy bit of gossip. I ran into someone at the grocery store the other day. Someone you won't believe."

Taking a sip of wine, Scarecrow chuckled and said, "Let me guess, Edward. You actually found a woman that thought you were attractive. I know I'd never believe that!" Everyone laughed at Riddler's expense. Edward's grin became a tight-lipped scowl as he felt the dig.

Harvey grumbled, "Well considering how we've all got to eat, I think I'd probably believe it." He had ended up in a convenient store himself the other day when he realized he was out of ketchup. He decided to rob it while he was there too. It really had been a 'convenient' store.

Clayface turned on his bar stool to face Riddler. Having taken on the form of an unassuming suit-wearing man, he blended in well with the other clientele; he also had an easier time fitting through the front door. "Well you have my attention, Edward." It's wasn't like he had anything better to do than listen to gossip. The entire point of hanging out in a den of criminals was to hear the 'word on the street'.

Penguin was standing on the other side of the bar as he had been speaking to Clayface before Riddler appeared. Killer Croc listened to the exchange with mild interest as he waited for Riddler to drop his bomb.

"I ran into our dear friend Poison Ivy at the Foodmart!" Edward wrung his hands gleefully. He was going to be Mr. Popular for at least the next fifteen minutes. Selina, who had been standing slightly behind him, rolled her eyes. God, Edward could be so needy. It was pathetic.

Harvey choked on his scotch as his other personality took over. "Pammy? In a grocery store?" Everyone knew the eco-terrorist's views on corporations. They'd always dreaded her visits to the lounge because once she got going she'd never shut up about it.

Clayface laughed, "You're kidding!"

Penguin scoffed, "So? I fail to see how this tidbit is news worthy. She was probably buying something for her plants. They do have a garden supply section, you know. I doubt the Old Bird wastes time trying to make her own planters and shovels for god's sake."

Two-Face tipped his drink towards Croc, "What do you say about that?"

Killer Croc replied gruffly, "I say it's bull. Ivy wouldn't be caught dead in a Foodmart unless she was plannin' on blowin' it up."

Eddie paced near the bar, grinning like the Cheshire Cat as he basked in the attention. "I'm not bullshitting. I saw her! Red hair, perfect figure, scowls and all!" He gestured excitedly.

"Did she try to blow it up, Edward?" Scarecrow inquired nonchalantly.

He shook his head. "Nope!" Eddie was as giddy as a schoolgirl. "She had a shopping cart and everything. She even paid for it! No kissing the clerk."

Harvey continued, "Did she seem like she was up to something?"

"I don't think so, but here's where it gets even weirder…" He leaned against the bar and whispered conspiratorially. He had their rapt attention. "I followed her discretely for a bit. And then I saw her buy," He paused for dramatic effect and laughed loudly. "You'll never guess what I saw her buying!"

"What?" Scarecrow snapped.

Eddie gestured animatedly, "You have to guess first!"

"Tampons!" Two-Face blurted. The other rogues laughed. Selina rolled her eyes, but even she had to smile at that one, especially since Ivy did seem to be locked into a permanent state of PMS.

"Plants?" Clayface offered.

"Nope."

"Pot?" Killer croc tried.

Penguin snorted, "They don't sell cannabis at the Foodmart, you nitwit."

He shrugged, "Could be that medical stuff. They got a pharmacy." Penguin rolled his eyes at the stupidity.

Riddler chuckled, "Wrong and wrong again."

Two-Face scowled at him, "If you don't tell us we're gonna break your head open like one of Ivy's watermelons."

"Okay, there's no need for violence," Eddie put his hands up and recoiled slightly. Smiling broadly, he announced, "She was buying diapers!"

About a minute of stunned silence went by as they all digested that information. Two-Face spoke up first, confusion was evident in his voice, "So uh… are you telling us that Pammy suffers from incontinence? She seems a little young for that…"

"No, you imbecile!" Eddie snapped, "She wasn't buying adult diapers she was buying the kind for a baby!"

Clayface laughed, "Well, last I heard she's shackin' up with Quinn. Maybe Harley needs her diapers changed every once in a while. Ya know, in case she gets excited and has an accident!"

"Bahahahaha!" Penguin quacked, "The Joker did always refer to Ivy as 'Harley's nanny.' The silly dodo!"

Croc grumbled thoughtfully, "Or maybe since they're two women and they've, ya know, got like two biological time clocks tickin' simultaneously, and they uh… have this compulsion to have kids… or well I mean like… lay eggs. Kinda like I feel compelled to be in the water." Everyone stared at him. He shrugged and became defensive, "What? I think it's pretty apparent."

Selina was disgusted, "The only thing that's apparent is that you've never been with a woman before."

"Hey! I've been with lots of dames." He argued defensively.

Selina's eyes narrowed, "Not if that's what you're calling us."

Two-Face said in disgust. "Lizards don't count, moron." Harvey, his other personality said rapidly, "What the hell are you even talking about?" Two-Face resumed his threats, "Shut the fuck up before we roll this coin all over your scaly dumbass."

"What the hell is your problem?" He shouted at Two-Face.

"We find your stupidity offensive!"

Selina was no fool. She remembered what Batman had told her about Ivy. She remembered the desperate look in Harley's eyes when she had asked her for help. She knew what had happened in that warehouse. It was time to do a little bit of damage control before one of these drunken idiots tried to engage in some deductive reasoning.

"So Eddie, did Ivy look pregnant?"

He looked thoughtful, "Um… No, actually." He cleared his throat, "I mean she didn't look pregnant, but that doesn't mean she couldn't be."

Selina reiterated loudly and nonchalantly, "So, Ivy is pregnant! That's interesting."

Two-Face threw back another shot and shook his head somberly, "I feel sorry for that shmuck. I wonder if she ate his head afterwards."

The others had settled down and were whispering quietly, but they were drunk and their interest was waning.

Catwoman titled her head and turned on her most charming smile, "Eddie, would you be so kind as to walk me to my car?" She extended her arm. One glance at her face and he realized she wasn't asking.

As soon as they stepped out of the club they were struck with the cool Gotham night air. It smelled like it was going to rain. As soon as they were clear of the crowds Selina's charm was gone and she was all business, "Did you see Harley?"

He shrugged. "No. She wasn't there. What is this about?"

Selina was getting impatient. For all the Ridder's boasting he had never impressed her as actually being very smart when it came to common sense, but since he would inevitably come to the same conclusion she had, Selina knew she needed to have a 'talk' with Edward before he ran at the mouth again.

"Ivy's a plant-human hybrid." He stared at her blankly and nodded, "Think, Eddie- a plant-human hybrid that is possibly sterile and hates men. So she's probably not going to let one slip her any. Did it occur to you that maybe Harley is the one who's pregnant?"

He shrugged noncommittally, "Who cares? I thought she left Joker." It's not like he cared about Harley in particular. This was about Ivy stepping off her high-horse to patronize 'a weapon in the arsenal of corporate greed,' not Joker's moronic ex.

She rolled her eyes, "Yes, she's left Joker, but it's been less than a year. You don't usually buy diapers during the first trimester. Would Ivy step into a grocery store for anyone else?" His eyes widened like saucers at the implication. "Yes, now you see where I'm going with this." Suddenly her hand was around his throat and her long finger nails were digging into his flesh uncomfortably. She could feel his pulse quickening in her vice-like grip as her eyes flashed dangerously. She snarled, "You have a very big mouth, Eddie! I hope your desperation for approval from your peers was worth the damage you could cause with this!"

"It's not so bad, I mean-" He gasped for air and futilely tried to pry her hand off of him. How the hell was someone this thin so strong?

"Right now they suspect that Ivy is pregnant and you're going to let them think that. If Joker found out that Harley was pregnant what do you think would happen to her? Or to the baby? Assuming of course that there even is a baby!" She released him and he eagerly took a step back, face flushed, as he rubbed his sore neck. Riddler's style was not the confrontational sort and he had found himself quite intimidated, more due to her attractiveness than the actual physical violence. He blushed with embarrassment.

Her tone was less angry, but still forceful. "I've always thought of you as one of the more decent rogues, Eddie. So I'm asking you to keep your mouth shut about this."

Riddler wasn't stupid, he knew that 'asking' meant 'telling'. It was common knowledge that Selina was a professional cat burglar, but he wasn't sure whether or not she was also a killer and he had no desire to test her on it; something about the look in her eyes told him that she had comfortably crossed that line at some point. He dusted his sleeves off, "Yea, you're right Selina. I'll let them think it's just about Ivy."

Selina nodded and started walking the direction of the parking lot. "I didn't mean to… ya know..." He really wasn't a bad guy, he was just criminally insane and had severe dependency problems where Batman was concerned, but he wasn't trying to cause problems for Harley. He wouldn't wish the Joker on anyone.

"I know, but the damage is already done. All we can do is try to mitigate it."

[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]

Harley yawned as she entered the kitchen and switched on the light. It was quite rare for her to be up before eight, but she had gone to bed early the night before and found herself quite hungry. Noticing that it was a bit drafty downstairs, she walked over to a nearby hall closet and opened it. Dawning a robe, she was just about to shut the door when she heard a noise. She let out a loud yelp when a green ball eagerly leapt into her arms.

Meow!

"My sweet baby!" Harley snuggled the feline as he purred affectionately. "Somebody's gotten so big!" She held him up to get a better look at him. He was his usual green self with large patches of tiny white flowers budding randomly along his torso that gave off a pleasant fragrance. "I'm surprised I didn't see you till this morning, Mr. Sweetsmelly."

Moowwwrrr.

"It isn't Red's fault if you fell asleep in the closet again. She didn't know you were in there!"

He responded with a hiss that that resembled an annoyed huff.

After feeding the cat, Harley opened the refrigerator and was pleasantly surprised by Ivy's shopping selections. Normally Harley had to do all the grocery shopping unless she wanted to be slowly converted into a vegan. The blond grinned when she saw the bacon. All she wanted, no- needed was a bowl of Captain Crunch; she had been craving it for the last half hour.

She sat down at the table and was just finishing up her cereal when Ivy took a seat across from her. Ivy was as naked as possible without actually being naked, which was always weird to Harley, but not weird enough to complain because she did enjoy the view. She had her leafy bikini set on, which really just looked like plant themed lingerie, and her light green skin was largely exposed. The only piece of clothing she was wearing was a white silk dressing gown that stopped mid-thigh. She made no effort to keep it closed. Ivy looked like she should be lounging beside a pool and sipping a cocktail instead of sitting at the breakfast table.

"Hiya, Red!" She sounded much more like herself today.

"Morning Harl." She eyed the blond, "How are you feeling?"

"Better." On so many levels, she wanted to add.

Ivy nodded, "You look a lot better."

There was an air of awkwardness that Harley immediately picked up on. Ivy was fidgeting in her seat for one thing.

"Somethin' wrong, Red?"

"No. It's just that we still need to talk." Ivy glanced at her bump.

Harley pushed her empty bowl away and sat back in the chair as she braced herself for impact. "Okay, Red. Whatcha wanna discuss?" She asked, but she had a pretty good idea.

"So..." Ivy drummed her fingernails on the table nervously. She stopped as soon as she realized what she was doing. "So the doctor told us that you're about six months along." Harley nodded, but remained quiet. Ivy's expression was unreadable as she studied her. "I assume it's Joker's?"

Harley shrugged. "Who else? I may be alotta things, Red, but I've nevah been a tramp."

Ivy studied her nails as she tried to hide the fact that this conversation bothered her immensely. "When was the last time you two...?"

"During the hostage situation." Harley stared at the table. "He… He took advantage. It's happened before."

Ivy snarled and slammed her palms down on the table.

"I'm sorry."

Ivy put up a hand as she collected herself. "Don't apologize. Please. It's not your fault, Harley."

"Okay." Actually, it was her fault. Harley would never have been in that position if she'd refused to help the police. She would forever blame herself.

"But you're telling me that you haven't been with him since the hostage incident?"

The blond couldn't help being offended, "Of course not, Red! Give me a little credit."

Ivy would give her just a little. "And there hasn't been anyone else?" She didn't want to find out that Harley had cheated, but if she had been with someone else she wanted to hear it from her- before Ivy went berserk, of course.

"Nope."

Ivy scowled.

"Whatsamatter?" Most people were relieved when they found out that their lover had been faithful.

"Think, Harl, we've been together for longer- well not counting your recent… absence. So that would mean that it's been over six months since you've been with a man."

"Um, but that doesn't make sense, Red."

Ivy said hotly, "No, Harley, it doesn't."

The blond shrugged and replied honestly, "I don't understand what you're sayin.'"

"When you found out you were pregnant and left me, we had already been together for about four months since the hostage situation." Ivy watched Harley's face carefully, "It took me nearly three to find you again. The doctor says you're six months along. So you must have been three months along when you left. Do the math."

Ugh. Harley hated math- anything but that. Word problems had always been her kryptonite. She tried to lighten the mood. "Ew, Red, you know how I feel about math!"

"There's at least two weeks missing, Harley. Nearly a month if the last time really was during that hostage catastrophe. You couldn't have been pregnant immediately after."

Harley hadn't considered that. She'd been a psychiatrist not an obstetrician. The blond really didn't know what to say to that.

"I didn't cheat on you if that's what you're getting at." The blond crossed her arms defensively.

Ivy knew she hadn't, they had spent the majority of their time together and Ivy's hideout was in the rural outskirts of Gotham, just left of B.F.E. "Harley I-"

"Red?"

"Do you think," Ivy felt silly, but she couldn't help the small ray of hope, "That it could be mine?"

Harley leaned forward and grabbed Ivy's hand and said sympathetically, "No, Red. I don't." She wished with all her heart that it was Ivy's, but even she had to be realistic.

Ivy pouted, "I'm being serious. I'm not entirely human anymore."

Harley removed her hand and leaned back in the chair. "Meaning?"

"I can't have children like you. I'm sterile. I have been ever since the change."

It pleased Harley immensely that Ivy wanted the baby to be hers biologically, but she had to stop her lover before she started kidding herself about it. "Well then the doctor was off by a few weeks, Ivy. That's all. You said it yourself- two weeks minimum. Doctor's don't know everything, Red. I was a doctor," She smiled happily and gestured to herself. "And look at me!"

She could tell Ivy was about to argue so she stopped her. "So is that all you wanted to discuss?"

Ivy just nodded; she could tell Harley didn't even want to go there.

Harley stood up and was about to walk away when she paused and turned to Ivy, "So if you got me knocked up does that mean I'm growin' a watermelon in my stomach now?

Ivy rolled her eyes, "Oh, Harl…"

She asked innocently, "It ain't gonna bust outta my chest like in that movie, is it? Because I would really hate that, Red. Just so ya know."

"Harley, I'm trying to be serious here." Ivy was exasperated. Then on seeing the look on the blond's face, she said, "You're not kidding are you?"

Giggling and leaning over, she kissed Ivy on the nose. Ivy's irritation instantly dissipated under her attention. Reaching out to cup Harley's face she brought her down a bit further for a kiss on the lips.

Briinng!

The two women started at the unfamiliar sound of their land phone. No one ever called them. Not even telemarketers.

Briinng!

Ivy got up as the phone demanded her attention. She knew it would be Catwoman; no one else had their number. Snatching the cordless phone from its stand, she greeted the woman testily, "Yes?"

"Well hello to you too!" Selina said with mock enthusiasm. Then she became more serious, "Is she okay?"

Ivy's demeanor immediately changed. Picking up on her reaction, Harley mouthed the words 'what's wrong?'

"She's fine. How did you know?"

"You were spotted at the Foodmart the other day."

"By whom?"

"Riddler."

"Damn it!" Ivy raised her voice.

"Yea, and he-"

"Just couldn't wait to blab and tell everyone in the entire universe!" Ivy simmered with rage at the idea of her street cred taking a hit in any capacity. Ivy had risked being seen in so many rep damaging places and scenarios already: the police station, talking to Batman, going stag to the Iceberg Lounge… It was a damn shame to think that her carefully crafted reputation for despising corporate everything may have been destroyed by that blabbermouth in the span of less than an hour.

Harley became concerned, "What's goin' on Red?"

Covering the receiver with her palm, she quietly reassured Harley, "Riddler saw me at the Foodmart." The blond rolled her eyes as she understood exactly what that meant.

There was an awkward pause before Selina continued, "He also saw what you were buying." There was more silence, "So I take it Harley is expecting?"

Ivy sighed before asking for clarification, "So everyone knows that?" Ivy said 'everyone' but there was really only one person that concerned her.

"No, just Eddie and I. The others think that you're the one that's pregnant."

"I see."

"I also had a 'talk' with Riddler. He shouldn't be a problem anymore."

"Dead?" Ivy's voice had a hopeful color to it.

"In your dreams." Selina laughed.

"I suppose it was too much to hope for."

"It'll be okay, Ivy." Or so she hoped, "So how did you find her anyway?" Selina had asked around town and managed to come up with nothing. Harley really knew how to disappear when she wanted.

"You could say I used a little magic."

"Magic?"

"I asphyxiated Zatanna until she complied."

"Wow! I guess there's a reason you make the cut for Arkham. Well, I hope she isn't the vindictive sort." 'Like you', Selina thought to herself.

"I don't think I have to worry about that." After a few more minutes of small talk Ivy handed the phone to Harley. "She wants to talk to you."

The blond grabbed the receiver, "Hullo. Yea, I'm okay. How are you, Kitty?"

Realizing that Harley and Selina's conversations were typically lengthy and loaded with gossip, Ivy headed downstairs to spend some time in her basement laboratory until they finished.