Chapter 19! Woop!
Originally, I intended on writing the whole event with meeting the Avengers and whatnot, but I realise now that it's not going to happen. Not at this point, that is. So I have decided to post this story like I originally planned it – without the Avengers. If my muse returns, I will publish drabbles. The in-betweens, so to speak. A drabble where Loki meets the Avengers, etc. Do you get what I mean? xD I hope you do.
So, the story as it was before I decided to include the Avengers had 20 chapters. This is chapter 19, which means the next chapter is the epilogue. One more chapter, and the story is complete!
Thank you for being the wonderful people you are! I can't describe how much your reviews and messages have meant to me!
Disclaimer: (which I may or may not have forgotten a couple of times) Not mine, yo!
-o-
Chapter 19 - Please Forgive Me
Christmas was lovely, Loki decided. And Amber kept saying things like 'we should get more of these cookies next year' and 'next year, we need prettier curtains'.
Not that Loki actually cared about curtains, but he cared about the way Amber kept saying sentences with the words 'we' and 'next year'. She said those things unfazed, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
"Maybe we should buy a tree made of plastic next year," Amber said, pulling him from his thoughts with another of her 'next year' sentences. "Because I'm going to be vacuuming pine needles for weeks." She paused, glaring at the floor. "I guess I'll get the vacuum cleaner."
"Or not," Loki replied, and made a fluid motion with his hand in the direction of the tree.
Amber stared at the floor for a long moment before turning to him with wide eyes. "Wow! Okay, we're not buying a tree made of plastic. Because wow! No more pine needles on the floor!" She smirked. "Next year is going to be so much easier."
He leaned forward in the sofa, resting his elbows on his thighs and clasping his hands. "Will there be a next year?"
He didn't quite know why he had asked. He had not intended to. The words just escaped his mouth before he could think twice.
She gave him a puzzled look. "Why?" she asked, and her puzzled expression turned worried. "Don't you want it to be a next year?"
"That is not what I am saying," he said, and watched as she came over to him. He took her hand, and pulled her down onto his lap.
"Then what are you saying?" she asked, and put her arms around his neck, looking rather worried.
He gazed at her for a moment. "You speak so easily about it, as if it's a certain thing. I find I am...less certain." He watched as her face fell, and immediately shook his head. "Not because I do not wish for it, because I do wish for it. But I rarely get what I wish for."
Her eyes softened as she understood the meaning of his words. "It's different this time, though, isn't it? Look, I'm not saying that everything is going to be fine and dandy all the time. We are going to fight, I'm going to be mad at you, you're going to be mad at me, and we will have days where everything sucks. Other than that... We never know what will happen. There may be unexpected complications - things we did not foresee, or something may happen, and there might not be a next year. What I do know, however, is that I want there to be a next year, and that I am not going anywhere. So until the point where something tells me otherwise, I am going to assume there will be a next year."
"I love you," he said unthinkingly, and sort of froze when he realised what he was saying. Not that he didn't love Amber, because he did. He truly did. But the fear of rejection was so ingrained in him that he more or less automatically assumed that a display of emotions like this - showing weakness - would be thrown back in his face.
"I love you too," Amber replied softly, and leaned in to kiss him.
Tension left Loki's body from hearing her words, and he sighed softly as he closed his eyes, responding to Amber's kiss.
-o-
It was afternoon, New Year's Eve, and Amber was in the kitchen, attempting to bake some form of cake when she heard a startled yelp from the living room.
She brushed off her hands before going to investigate.
"Brother!" she heard a voice exclaim, and entered the living room to find Loki standing there with clenched fists, and eyes full of anger. Anger and pain.
Oh, and they had a visitor. Said visitor had long, blond hair, was wearing a red cape, and his blue eyes were fixed on the angry God of Mischief.
Thor was here.
"I am not your brother!" Loki replied, and his voice trembled with anger. Thor took a step forward, but when Loki immediately stepped back, Thor stopped, gazing at Loki for a moment.
"But you are my brother, Loki," Thor said, and Amber could see the pain in his eyes, and hear the grief in his voice. "You have always been my brother, and I have loved you as such my entire life – as I do now. You will always be my brother."
"Then where were you?" Loki almost spat. "Where was all that brotherly love when I was taken to Asgard for trial? I was to be executed, and you did not even bother to show. You claim to love me so dearly, but where were you? Surely, if you care so much, you would have at least come to your brother's trial, or at least have sought me out after. And yet, I have not seen you in two months."
"I did not know, Loki," Thor said quietly, and he glanced down on his feet before meeting Loki's eyes again. "I have not been to Asgard for a long time. I have been searching for you."
Something flickered in Loki's eyes at that, but then his face contorted with anger again. "Do you truly expect me to believe that? Do you expect me to believe that no one informed you? Neither of my trial, nor of my whereabouts in the time after?"
Thor gave Loki a remorseful look. "I hid."
"Pardon?"
Thor sighed. "I hid, Loki. From Heimdall. After you vanished - I searched for you. After seven days of searching, I went back to Asgard, and father wanted for me to remain there. I disagreed, we fought, and I left. I cloaked myself to avoid being followed. But I could not find you, so I travelled back to Asgard to learn you had already been found."
Loki looked less angry now, but his expression was closed off. "And when was this? When did you return to Asgard? Considering how desperately you wanted to find me, it must have been difficult for you to resist seeking me out in the time after. Yet, I have not seen you."
Thor gave Loki a defeated look. "This was an hour ago, Loki."
Loki snorted a laugh. "Do not tell me you spent two months searching for me. Or were you so desperate for me to face execution, and that was why you searched for me?"
"No! Never! I would have done anything to keep you from being executed! I searched for you because... Because I feared someone else would find you, brother. I needed to – I needed to find you before something happened to you."
Amber decided to give them some privacy – at least speak without her watching them – and silently walked back into the kitchen.
-o-
Loki's mind was just a chaos of emotions. Anger, grief, and surprisingly – disappointment. He had not realised until now how disappointed he had been when Thor was not there at his return to Asgard. He had felt betrayed, in fact, when he realised Thor would not be there, and that he would be facing execution without his big brother there. He had been so angry, so…afraid. He did not wish to die, after all. Loki had felt so utterly alone, and eventually he had just shut off his emotions the best he could, leaving him empty and desolate.
"Please, brother."
Loki searched Thor's face, looking for deceit or any sign he was lying. He so desperately wanted it to be true, that Thor had searched relentlessly for him because of the same foolish reason as always – to protect his little brother.
Thor's expressive face showed no hint of lies, no deceit.
Thor looked so grief-stricken where he stood that it made Loki's heart twinge painfully. "Please what, Thor?" he asked, not knowing what else to say.
"Please forgive me."
Loki had not expected Thor to ask for forgiveness – he did not even know what he wanted forgiveness for. Last he'd seen Thor, Loki had stabbed him, and yet Thor was the first to ask for forgiveness.
This frustrated him. Thor always frustrated him, with his naïve optimism and forgiving nature. Thor had such faith in the world – in everyone – and wore his heart on his sleeve like it was a prize he had won.
Thor was still looking at Loki with eyes filled with sadness, and for some reason the sight made anger flare in him.
"Why do you always do this, Thor!? Do you even know what you are asking forgiveness for!? It's the same as when you stood in front of the Destroyer - you apologised, but you knew not what you were apologising for!" Loki stepped closer to Thor, shaking with anger. "Why would you do such a thing? Why did you do that, knowing I wanted you dead!? And why - why - are you asking for my forgiveness now, when I am the one who should be asking for yours!?"
He had not meant to say that. It had just slipped out. It had slipped out, and now it was too late to take it back. Loki froze on spot, staring at Thor. He watched then, as Thor's expression went through a series of emotions - shock, doubt, hope, and then - finally - joy.
"Brother," Thor breathed, and before Loki could do anything about it, Mjolnir fell to the floor with a clang, and Thor closed the distance between them, pulling Loki into a crushing embrace.
Loki didn't quite know what to do, but save for using magic, there was not much he could do. When it came to physical strength, Thor had the upper hand.
"You never needed to ask for my forgiveness, little brother," Thor said as he released Loki from the embrace, still holding a firm grip on his upper arms. "You may have made many mistakes, Loki, but as have I. You ask if I know what I ask forgiveness for – yes, I do. I ask forgiveness for not being the brother you needed. We were raised together, but you remember our upbringing differently than I, and now I understand why. But though I understand, I do not know all the situations where I have wronged you, because I do not see them as you do. And that is why I will say the same as when standing in front of the Destroyer – brother, whatever I have done to wrong you, whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am truly sorry."
"Thor, I…"
"There is more, Loki," Thor interrupted, and Loki fell silent. "I ask your forgiveness for not seeing – for not realising you were not yourself. I should have seen… I should have known. I asked you who controls the would-be king, and you never denied that your mind was not your own. I should have known then, because you focused on me calling you would-be king, and not how I accused you of being under someone else's command. You would never take such an accusation lightly. I should have known." Thor paused for a moment, and his eyes saddened. "And finally, I ask for your forgiveness for not being there when you were taken back to Asgard. Will you forgive me, little brother?"
Loki's eyes brimmed with tears then, because Thor was such a fool, standing there with his heart on his sleeve and hope in his eyes.
And Loki could not make himself – would not make himself tell Thor no.
Gazing into those hopeful, blue eyes, Loki sighed. "Yes."
Thor's expression changed, and the pure joy radiating from him was almost ridiculous.
Loki's voice was soft when he spoke again. "You are a fool, brother."
Thor's face fell then, and Loki wondered if he somehow had truly offended him. When Thor's eyes filled with tears, Loki understood even less.
"You called me brother," Thor almost whispered before hesitating for a moment. "Are we brothers again?"
He had not even realised that he had called Thor brother. Although, who was he kidding? Thor would always be his brother.
"Yes," Loki said, softly. "Yes, we are brothers again."
The bone-crushing embrace Loki found himself in a second later made him let out a small, strangled sound. Thor heard, apparently, because he eased up a bit.
"In some ways, I may have been Odin's favourite." Thor said softly, still holding Loki. "But you were always mine."
Loki couldn't stop himself as his arms came up on their own accord, returning Thor's embrace.
They stood like that for a long moment, but then Thor stepped back, beaming at Loki. "Where is your Amber?"
Loki chuckled, nodding his head toward the kitchen. "In the kitchen, pretending that she is not listening to every word we are saying."
Amber appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, flour on her nose and apron. "It's not my fault that you decided to do this in hearing range."
Thor's expression lit up even more – how that was possible Loki did not know – and promptly walked over to Amber, embracing her. He let her go a moment later, and Amber took a deep breath – which was not an unusual reaction to one of the Thunderer's hugs/
Thor took Amber's hand, and Loki had to stifle a laugh from Amber's expression – she clearly did not quite know how to behave in this situation.
Thor inclined his head. "I am honoured to meet you."
"Likewise," Amber squeaked, and Loki could not stifle his laugh this time.
"Let the woman have her personal space," Loki said with an amused voice as he walked over to them. "You are overwhelming her."
Thor stepped back immediately. "I apologise."
Amber looked at Loki and rolled her eyes before turning her gaze on Thor. "You have nothing to apologise for. It is lovely to meet you." She paused, glanced at Loki, and then cocked her head. "Would you like to join us for New Year's Eve?"
Thor probably had no idea what Amber meant, but he beamed anyway. "I would be delighted!"
Loki could not help himself. "Do you even know what she means?"
"No," Thor said, shaking his head. "But it matters not, if it means I may spend time with you." Thor paused, looking at Loki. "Will you explain?"
Something softened inside Loki. "Today is the last day of the Midgardian year. It is celebrated with food and beverages, and at midnight we are to go outside and 'watch the fireworks'."
Amber rolled her eyes. "No need to get all sassy about the fireworks. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised, because it's quite lovely to watch." She smiled at Thor. "It's dinner, wine, and perhaps even cake if I don't mess up too badly."
Thor looked beyond delighted. "So it is a night for celebration?"
"Yes," Loki said, and was promptly pulled into another bone-crushing embrace.
"This is a most joyous day!" Thor boomed, and Loki couldn't do anything but laugh.