A/N: Hello! I have been terrible at these updates- I know it. I could give you all kinds of perfectly legitimate excuses, but the real reason that I haven't been staying on top of this story isn't because I stopped writing, on the contrary I write more than I used to, it's because my muse left Harley and Ivy for another woman. I am sorry. My muse is a total slut and sometimes these things can happen. So if you like Wonder Woman femslash then there is a shit ton of it coming up further down my fanfiction tube. Seriously, 80,000+ words of Wonder Woman femslash. It's not ready just yet, but it is coming. And if you don't give a crap about Wonder Woman- don't worry, I have finally finished the draft of this story! Wooot! I just have to edit the last chapters now. I'm guessing there will be about 2-3 more… I would also like to thank all the people that have left reviews. I do appreciate them.
PS - I have been using voice recognition software lately as I have a cast on my left arm right now. If you notice an atrocious completely nonsensical sentence just PM me and I'll fix it. I'm pretty sure I caught most of the more horrific errors, but Dragon will put some absolute BS down. For example, I might be trying to say 'they went over there' and the voice recognition will put, and I kid you not, it actually did this once, 'take off your clothes'. LMAO!
Fruitful Endeavors
Chapter 7: Making Plans
By Semerket
Ivy had just come up the stairs from her basement lab when she was crushed by an exuberant Harley who showered her with kisses. Pulling back, Ivy made an effort to reconnect her brain with her body.
"And what was that for?"
"I saw the diapers and the books, Red. You're sweet."
"The diapers were on sale. They're biodegradable. And the books… well, at least those trees won't have died in vain." Ivy grumbled feeling embarrassed. Her explanation was met with another kiss. Now she was really glad she'd bought the books.
"So…" She was almost afraid to ask. "How did your chat with Selina go?" What if Selina had blabbed and told her that she had gone to the police- or even worse- to the Rodent to find her?
"Good! Did you know that Deadshot fell of a skateboard and broke his am tryin' to outrun the feds?"
Ivy rolled her eyes at the stuff her peers got themselves into. "A skateboard? How humiliating."
"Oh! And there's some guy callin' himself 'Catman' now."
Ivy let out a bark of laughter, "Oh, yes- I have heard about that one! Yet another Batman wannabe, but with a cat fetish. Did Selina ask the Rodent how he felt about that one?"
Harley threw her head back and laughed. "Yea, she said he'd just get really uncomfortable and kept tryin' to change the subject!" Harley's laughter suddenly quieted and she became serious.
"What's wrong?"
She smirked and put Ivy's hand on her bump. "She's kickin' up a storm."
Ivy smiled, "About that… Harley, would you like to sign up for a Lamaze class?"
The blond didn't look very enthused, "I dunno, Red. I don't really wanna be recognized."
"Hmmm. You make a good point." Ivy wanted to be able to do normal things with Harley, but infamy made things so hard, and it didn't help that her ex was a psychopath that had escaped from prison. "What about something online? You'd be less likely to deal with any real scrutiny and we could hide behind our computer monitor in an attempt to have some semblance of a social life like the rest of the masses."
"That might be worth a shot, Red. I'll look into it."
[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]
Despite Edward Nygma's best efforts to extinguish the flames of gossip that he had himself ignited, it had only been a matter of time before the rumors inevitably got back to the Joker. Though in all fairness he hadn't tried that hard to dispel the rumors. He didn't take to social media or the news for God's sake. This was Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn- not exactly his most favorite people, though he did admittedly hate the Joker more. He was also wary of Selina's wrath should he fail to make an appropriate effort to contain the spread of dangerous implications.
Edward was sitting at the bar in the Iceberg Lounge wearing his trademark black slacks, green question mark blazer and purple eye mask. His green bowler was resting on the bar as he took a sip of his scotch. He was trying to be inconspicuous, which only served to make him appear quite the opposite as he kept glancing over his shoulder while he worked a little too hard to be nonchalant.
"Riddler."
Edward sighed and his back stiffened when he heard the familiar creepy voice of the Joker. "What do you want?" He replied haughtily as though he might be addressing the help.
Grinning evilly, the clown pulled up a stool beside his, much to Edward's chagrin. Shoving his hands into the pockets of this purple suit jacket, he inquired with an inappropriate degree of affability, "How have you been these days, Eddie ole boy?"
He hated when people called him 'Eddie' especially when those people were the Joker. The only person he could tolerate calling him that was Selina Kyle and it helped that she was a stunningly beautiful woman. Seriously, she could call him 'butthead' and he probably wouldn't have the nerve to complain. Harley was another one that he was willing to let slide. Most of the women in Edward's life, if there had been any women in his life, could probably get away with that nickname. Joker, however, wasn't cute enough. As a matter of fact, he hated having to suffer the presence of this fool for any length of time.
Edward looked him up and down with the same thinly veiled contempt that he reserved for all intellectually inferior beings, "Better than you, I'm sure."
"Oh! Hahaha! I suppose you might think that. Though I did hear about your latest pummeling by the Bat- apparently the puzzles were so simple that his sidekick was able to figure them out without turning to Google!" He laughed maliciously.
Edward ground out, "Is that what you've heard?"
"I also heard that you ran into the lovely Poison Ivy at the grocery store." He face palmed comically and batted his eyelashes, his hideous face making the gesture rather amusing, "My! What a surprise that must have been!"
Edward shrugged noncommittally. He wasn't exactly surprised to find himself having this conversation or more accurately: trying to avoid it, but he knew this maniac was dangerous and it wasn't worth it to keep putting off the inevitable- not for those crazy bitches. He'd feed him the same line he'd fed everyone else and if he still figured out that Harley was pregnant (Joker was crazy not stupid) then there was nothing more he could do about it and he would be sure to convey that to Selina, if and when she tried to claws his eyes out.
Joker eyed him suspiciously, "There was also something else that I found interesting. So what is this about Pammy being pregnant?" He had a tone that indicated his skepticism.
Edward chuckled and handed him the updated line he'd been feeding the rogues about the motives for Ivy's shopping escapades, "You heard wrong. She just kidnapped a baby. You know how she enjoys her hostages." He waved off the inquiry and punctuated his statement with an eye roll, "She's blackmailing some rich guy so that he stops cutting down trees."
Violating the sanctity of Edward's personal space bubble, Joker got right up in his face. "Oh, I see how it is. That isn't what I heard you said, Eddie."
Riddler rolled his eyes. As if he would let this maniac in clown makeup shake him down in Penguin's lounge of all places. He knew Joker wouldn't risk breaking the rules, not with his rapidly diminishing street cred. Riddler was chuckling as he stood up, reaching into his pocket he tossed a twenty on the bar, grabbed his hat, and winked at the Joker. "I don't give a damn what you've heard."
Joker's eyes flashed, "I think you're lying to me."
Smirking, he said dismissively, "You, thinking? Try not to hurt yourself. Or anyone else." Edward muttered the last part before he walked off without giving Joker a second glance.
Joker didn't bother following him.
Noticing that Edward hadn't finished his drink, the clown grabbed it and downed the rest, grimacing as he did so. Scotch, phew. He hadn't thought Riddler had the balls for a drink that stiff or to talk down to him like that.
Riddler had never been a good liar and it annoyed him immensely that he would lie about this. Had his reputation slipped to the degree that his peers no longer feared him enough to give him the time of day? Or at the very least offer an accurate account of someone that was as universally disliked as Poison Ivy? Poison Ivy, the self-centered eco-terrorist that made a point to bitch and nag them all until they wanted to gouge out their own eyes. Poison Ivy, whom had actually worked with the police AND the Bat to bring him down. Poison Ivy, the biggest traitor to all things criminal!
(*&^%$#$%^ #$$#!?
Was this because she had orchestrated the last major prison break? Was it out of a misplaced sense of loyalty? Were they under her plant spell?
She had, arguably, managed to come out on top on more than one occasion during the events of the previous year, but she'd needed the Dark Knight's help to do it and that little cat slut who was also a Batman sell out. Ugh, if there was anyone not to trust in this club it was her.
Perish the thought!
Then it finally clicked in his clown brain: they were more afraid of Poison Ivy now than him. Between her plant powers, escape from the Bat, and her ability to leverage an alliance with him, something she had never done in the past, Poison Ivy had managed to achieve a whole new level of being horrifyingly manipulative, not just to civilians, but to her peers, law enforcement, and caped crusaders. She'd even manipulated stupid Harley into following her around like a sick puppy and he thought he'd be stuck with that nut for life.
If Joker had the capacity to experience emotions he might've had the decency to have hurt feelings, but he didn't have many of those. However, he did experience white hot rage with an alarming frequency. He was experiencing it right now as a matter of fact. He wasn't stupid; he knew Harley was pregnant. There was only one thing he knew to do in a situation like this: impersonate an old lady.
Taking out his disposable phone he dialed a number.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]
A bored male voice answered the phone, "You've reached the Gotham City Police Department. How may I direct your call?"
A strange woman's voice came over the line, "Oh sir!" The feminine voice immediately brought to mind the image of an elderly southern bell, "I need to report the kidnapping of a baby!"
The man's voice was more animated, as the situation warranted more attention, "Ma'am, is it your child that was taken?"
"No! But I saw, I think I saw that horrible green Poison Ivy woman from the TV- and she was running with a baby! She got into the car with a blond woman and they drove away like the devil was chasing them. I can't imagine the child was theirs!"
"Thank you for letting us know ma'am, I assure you we'll look into it! Can you tell us where you saw this?"
[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]
To say that Commissioner Gordon was unhappy would have been an understatement. He'd already taken a huge risk by not bringing Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn in. So far they had adhered to the deal or at least they appeared too. He received semi regular updates from Batman on that matter. Opening his desk drawer he pulled out a special communicator.
"Hello?"
"Commissioner." Batman's monotone filled his office.
Gordon cut right to the chase, "We just got a tip that Poison Ivy may have abducted a child."
"A child?" He sounded skeptical. It was common knowledge that Poison Ivy generally despised children.
"A baby actually. Maybe she wasn't able to get everything she needed from flowers."
"Who is your source for this tip?"
"An anonymous woman called a few minutes ago. She gave us, what we realized is a fake name, and she called on a disposable phone. And no children have been reported missing that match the description."
"You think it's bogus."
"Honestly, I think it was the Joker. But I can't not follow up on it. We do have a deal with those two and as much as I'd love an excuse to bring them both in…" They could be useful and it wasn't worth the loss of life. Sending a uniformed cop to knock on their door would be akin to sentencing the officer to death.
"I'll take a look and let you know what I come up with."
"Thank you, Batman. I don't know what the city would do without you."
Batman muttered darkly under his breath.
"Did you say something?"
"Nope."
[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]
Selina had been so deep in thought that she didn't hear Batman approach her. They were in a different meeting place on a roof in the vicinity of Wayne Enterprises. This spot was very secluded, which was doubly important since they only used this location when they met in the daytime, a significant deviation from their usual meetings, but Batman had wanted to see her urgently so she had reluctantly obliged.
"Any word on Joker?"
"No."
"Any word on Ivy?"
"Ivy?" Catwoman's eyes narrowed slightly. "I thought she had a deal." Selina wished that she had that kind of arrangement. Hadn't she helped save Gotham too? Of course, she'd never agree to stop stealing though… That's what she got for not demanding more from Batman and law enforcement.
He was quiet for a moment as he studied her in that annoying 'I'm profiling you' kind of way. "Have you spoken to Poison Ivy lately?"
She had a suspicious color to her tone, "Why?"
"Someone tipped the GCPD about her allegedly kidnapping a baby, but no children have been reported missing that would fit the age range so I was hoping you'd know if it were just gossip or…"
"Hmmm." She smiled coyly, "As a matter of fact, I just might have some info about Harley and Ivy."
"And?"
"I require payment first." She chuckled as she just knew he was rolling his eyes beneath that cowl.
"Selina, this is serious."
She sidled up to him, and running her clawed finger down his chest, she punctuated each word with a tap on his armor, "So. Am I."
Before he could complain, she kissed him passionately on his lips. After a few seconds she pulled back. Most women would have considered his lack of response annoying, but she could tell by his intake of breath that it had the desired effect on him.
"The info."
"Eddie- Riddler ran into Ivy at the Foodmart." She waited for his reaction.
"Ivy was in a grocery store?" He sounded appalled, "What was she doing there? Was she tampering with the produce or," He could just imagine the headlines 'Killer Cucumbers Crush Customers.'
"Relax." She put her hand up, "I hear she was just shopping."
He eyed her suspiciously. "For what exactly? If she's working with Quinn she might be making explosives-"
"Eddie told us she was buying diapers." There was silence. Then she added, "For a baby."
"She had a baby?"
"No… But Harley is expecting."
"I'm going to interrogate them." He said with purpose.
Selina blanched, "Wait- what? How does, 'Harley is expecting' translate into 'interrogation'?"
"They might have kidnapped someone. They could have hostages. Children."
"Eh… I don't think so."
"Why?"
She scoffed, "Because I called her and asked."
"How do you know she wasn't lying?"
"Because I saw Harley a few months ago." She crossed her arms as she paced around him- as if she didn't know Harley and Ivy better than he did. He never shared a hideout with them for six months, "It was a few days before you asked me about her, actually."
"What? Why didn't you tell me immediately?"
"It was none of your business." She snapped. "It's not my job to spy on the others for you. I help you because you're my… friend and I'd rather not see Gotham in flaming ruins, not because I'm required too. My name isn't Robin."
"What did she want from you?"
"She…" Selina hesitated as she braced for Batman's judgmental response, "Asked me to move a few items for her."
"You acted as her fence?" Batman was incredulous. "So you're a fence now, Selina? I thought you quit stealing." Batman had an accusatory edge to his tone.
'Only in your dreams,' she thought as she rolled her eyes, "No, she asked me to move it as a favor to her. Normally she'd go to Penguin, but she didn't want the others to see her at the lounge. So she asked me to do it- for a fee of course." She tapped his armored chest playfully. "I can't have people thinking I'm nice like you, Batman."
"Why was she avoiding the others?"
"She didn't say and I didn't ask. I could tell she had a lot on her mind though. She obviously needed money quick. So yes, I have no problem believing that she's pregnant without seeing her in person." She didn't bother to mention Harley's condition after the warehouse.
"Especially if it's Joker's."
"Exactly."
"Thanks, Selina."
"Still going to pay them a visit?"
"I… just need to be sure."
Selina laughed. "Well don't expect me to bail you out when you end up inside a giant venus flytrap."
[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]
Two mental patients and a baby… It was either the name of a hilarious sitcom or the title of a horror movie, and from Arkham no less- the crème de la crème of lunacy. Arkham Asylum was for the criminally insane in a special way. Taking a deep breath, Batman braced himself for the conversation he was about to have.
Ivy was sitting in a chaise lounge on the back porch as she thumbed through a copy of "Gotham Gardening." She wasn't wearing much of anything as she had decided that today would be a nice day to photosynthesize since the sun had finally decided to grace Gotham with its presence. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes as a shadow with pointed ears suddenly loomed over her and stretched across the deck.
"You're in my sun." Ivy didn't bother looking away from her magazine to acknowledge the Dark Knight. Idly thumbing to the next page, she grumbled, "I didn't realize you operated during the day. No day job then? You're either rich or unemployed. Considering your gadgets I'm guessing it's the former rather than the latter." She reached towards a small table that was really nothing more than a rectangular tray that was being held upright by a thick vine. Grabbing a glass of lemonade, she proceeded to take a long refreshing sip. "Speaking of daytime, why exactly haven't you burst into flames by now?"
"You know why I'm here."
"Actually, considering that Harley and I haven't broken the law since our agreement- no, I don't. As a matter of fact, I do believe your presence is in fact a violation of our arrangement. Or has Gordon grown a backbone and changed his mind?" Her amusement gave away her skepticism regarding that prospect.
"I'm just checking in."
She eyed him dismissively, "Are you my parole officer now?"
"B-man!" Harley was startled as she came out of the house. She almost dropped her glass of lemonade. Batman immediately noticed the bump on her abdomen. Now he felt stupid for not listening to Selina. Well, this was awkward.
He spoke in his usual monotone, "Congrats."
Ivy rolled her eyes and smirked, "We're both moved by your enthusiasm."
He thought some explanation was in order, "Gordon received a call from a woman that claimed you kidnapped a baby."
That did get Ivy's attention. "Please. I have lots of babies." She gestured to her planters on the deck, and the grass and trees beyond.
"He thinks it was Joker."
"Ah. That explains it."
Harley added as she sat down on a nearby chair. "Mistah J did stuff like to do that all the time."
"Oh, Batman my dearest, don't tell me you're going to leave without having some of my Kool-Aid!" Ivy said seductively with a twinkle in her eye. Harley laughed. She could tell that Batman was probably rolling his eyes beneath that cowl.
"I'll have to pass." He turned and left. Both of the women were quiet as they watch them leave. They remained quiet until they heard the sound of his motorcycle in the distance.
Confident that he was finally gone, Ivy complained, "Can you believe the nerve of him? Showing up on our property whenever he feels like it! If it wasn't such a beautiful day I might've had to kill him."
"He scared the heck outta me." Harley said quietly, "I thought we were going back to jail."
Turning to Harley she looked her straight in the eye and said with conviction, "I will never let you go back to jail."
Batman's visit reminded Harley just how tenuous their situation actually was. What if something happened? What if they tried to take the baby away? Harley was eager to change the subject to a more cheerful topic, "So how's the baby proofing going?"
"I think I've considered just about everything. It's really just one of my giant fly traps. I'm not sure if the mesh is high enough. But on a positive note I have discussed safety with all my plants at length and they understand that there will be no consuming of infants."
That was so not comforting, "Okaaaaaaaaay... I'll just keep her away from the greenhouse, Red."
Looking at Harley's rosy cheeks and the slightly worried expression on her face, Pamela wished she could do something nice for her. She knew Harley felt isolated out in the middle of nowhere with her, and with Joker on the loose there weren't many places they could go. Her eyes widened as an idea came to her. Getting up from where she had been lounging, Ivy said to Harley, "I'll be right back. I have a minor experiment that I need to check on in the basement."
Once she was in her basement laboratory, she grabbed her phone and dialed a number.
"Wow. You picked up a phone for me. Aw, Pamela. We aren't about to develop a rapport are we?"
Ivy rolled her eyes at the sarcasm, "Ha. Ha. I had an idea, but I wanted to run it by you first."
"Meow."
"I want to throw Harley a baby shower. I was thinking it could be a surprise."
Ivy pulled the receiver away from her ear at the enthusiastic squeal she'd elicited from Selina. "It'll be so much fun! She'll love it!"
"But there is a problem: how do we keep 'you-know-who' from crashing the party?"
Her voice seemed to deflate, "Oh right."
"I was thinking we could have it in the VIP room at the lounge. We couldn't really hang out anywhere else. And I wouldn't' want any of the others at my sanctum."
"True." Selina rolled her eyes. Who the hell referred to their home as a 'sanctum'? Poison Ivy apparently.
"So we have to distract him somehow."
"I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks." Hanging up the phone, something occurred to Ivy: they didn't have any friends to invite other than Selina. Well maybe not 'friends' per se, but they did have associations. Her eyes lit up as she formulated a plan.