Chapter 229: It's really
"Kill me."
Sora's heart came to a dead halt in his chest as those words left his Shadow's lips. Those were the last words he expected. The last words he wanted to hear.
"Why do you want to die?" he found himself asking, the words tumbling from his lips.
And, more importantly, if his Shadow really wanted to die, why hadn't he just started a battle? Why hadn't he just started a battle and then let Sora win? Why was he coming at it like this?
His Shadow's face scrunched up in pain. He started to speak, but the only sounds that left his mouth for a long time were pained squeaks.
"I- I… that- that's hard to explain," he stammered, finally. It sounded like he was talking around a knot in his throat.
Sora sighed.
"Alright," he said. "Then let's start with an easier one." He swallowed the bile in his mouth. Rubbed his fingers together impatiently, at his side. "I thought you couldn't die."
"I know what Hades said," his Shadow protested, but he was sighing, too. Resigned. "But the King—" he paused. Grimaced. "The Mouse—"
"Mickey tried to kill you and failed," Sora finished. "I saw it in your head. I know."
At just the mention of the memory it bubbled up in the back of his mind. Sora gritted his teeth and shoved it back down. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to touch that memory. It was too painful—and it wasn't even his!
"But after that- after that he told me that maybe you could kill me," his Shadow said. There was a small—deranged—smile on his face. Clinging to a slim hope.
Sora laughed, bitterly. "Why me?" he asked. "Huh? What makes me special? If Mickey couldn't do it I don't see how I—"
"I know!" His Shadow screamed, interrupting him. "I know. But- but that's the thing, isn't it?" His voice cracked, somewhere between laughter and sobbing. "About- about us. About our existence about what I am." He pounded his chest with his free hand—he still had his blade offered out to Sora, for him to take.
"You have to be able to defeat me," he continued. "You have to be able to kill me, just as I have to be able to kill you."
"Defeat doesn't necessarily mean kill," Sora said. The words pained him to say. His Shadow's reaction was only worse.
"WHAT ELSE CAN IT MEAN!?" he screamed, throwing his blade at the ground in frustration. His voice shook with fury, with tears. The sight and the sound made Sora's stomach churn. He had to look away.
"I dunno," he whispered. He shrugged, a little, tapped his toes against the ground for a second. "But the two of us talking pretty civilly about the matter is looking bright." He swallowed and looked up at his Shadow. "I mean, if we can come to some sort of agreement—"
Once he'd suggested it, he'd regretted it. The way his Shadow's face contorted with pain at the suggestion was horrible. Sora had to look away again.
"Sora I am a being created to drag you into darkness!" his Shadow shouted. "There is no other win for you besides my death!"
"Are you sure!?" Sora shouted back. He was tired of this situation. Tired of this argument. Tired of being forced into this. "Because you giving up on trying to drag me into darkness seems like winning to me."
Maybe his Shadow hadn't said those exact words—hadn't actually admitted that he'd given up on dragging Sora into darkness. But the more they stood here, the longer this argument carried on, the more Sora knew it was true. The only way his Shadow would attack him now would be out of frustration, not malice.
Sora's Shadow raked his hands through his hair. "Sora please," he begged, sinking to his knees. He reached out with a hand, caught Sora's shirt. Sora's heart seized. "I just want to die. I want this to be over with."
Sora really couldn't look down at his Shadow now. He looked off to the side. Took deep breaths. He wanted to cry, too. He didn't want to kill his Shadow.
Maybe he would've wanted to, a month ago, before Maleficent. And maybe he would've—out of self-preservation, of course, or because he had to. But when he was being asked to? When his Shadow was begging for it? He wouldn't. He couldn't.
"Can't we work something out?" he asked, voice cracking.
His Shadow just shook his head. "I don't- I don't wanna live." His words were slurred with tears. "I can't- I can't kill myself I've tried. Please. Please there- there isn't another way- there isn't…"
"Death seems a little hasty," was all Sora could reply with.
He still refused to look at his Shadow.
Even when his Shadow grabbed him by the shirt with both hands and shook him, screaming:
"SORA!"
"I'm just saying maybe you don't- maybe you don't have to die," Sora said. He cleared his throat. "I mean- what's… what's wrong?" His eyes darted down towards his Shadow, who knelt there with his head bowed, Sora's shirt bunched between his fingers. "What's got you so twisted up in knots, hmm? Can it be fixed? Can it…"
His Shadow trembled.
"Sora there is no way to fix this!" he cried. "Please just- just kill me!"
Sora growled. "I WANT TO KNOW WHY!" he shouted, pulling away from his Shadow. "First," he finished, as his Shadow fell to the ground. "I want to know why first. I want to know what's so terrible that death is the better option."
Sora's Shadow screamed. It shook the air around Sora, and he cringed. The scream wasn't words, just pure frustration. A pained screech.
But finally the screech found coherency, and the yelling turned to words:
"Because I can't do this anymore!"
Sora narrowed his eyes.
"Can't do what?"
"This!" he gestured angrily between them. "This battle, this life, this… all of it! All of it…"
Sora about screamed again. They were getting nowhere, just repeating the same argument and he was so sick of it.
"You could kill me, instead," he whispered. "That would end it. So why don't you want that? Hmm? Why don't- why don't you want to kill me? Why—"
"Sora, stop- stop trying to be logical about this."
"But why aren't you being logical about it? Why is your death the answer?!" Sora rounded on his Shadow, took a step towards him. His Shadow was still on his knees, but he'd straightened. He looked straight at Sora, fury in his eyes.
"Do you want to die!?"
"I want to know why you do!"
His Shadow pounded a fist against the ground. "I already told you!"
"Because you can't do this anymore," Sora repeated, then he chuckled. A sharp, short, bitter chuckle. That wasn't a good enough answer for him. Sora swallowed, his voice cracked. "I thought you enjoyed it…" he whispered. "I thought you enjoyed this life…"
"I certainly don't now—I want no more of it!"
Sora shook his head. Blinked back tears.
"I don't want to kill you…"
The thought was unbearable. He didn't even like killing. Three people, now, he'd killed, and he'd only meant one of them. He was forced to kill Maleficent. Forced to kill Luxord, too, because of that stupid game. Xaldin was a choice—he'd chosen to fight and kill Xaldin, but he wasn't exactly proud of it. And now his Shadow…
His Shadow got to his feet and growled—a short, frustrated exhale through his nose.
"Do I have to put it this way?" he asked, lips drawn back in a snarl. "Fine. Fine!" His mouth then drew into a line, his pose uncertain. He didn't look at Sora, but at the floor. "Maybe Maleficent taking you from me was the best thing that could've happened… It made me realize something."
His Shadow's voice was so quiet that Sora was surprised he understood the words. But that would be their connection at work, wouldn't it? Always able to hear each other. Feel each other.
…except when Maleficent had been interfering.
Did that have something do with what his Shadow was going to say?
"Realize what?" Sora prompted.
"How dependent I am on you." His body shook. His words dripped from his lips like venom. He still wouldn't look Sora in the eye, and the way his fists clench almost made Sora fear he was about to get punched in the face.
"Without you I was losing my mind," his Shadow continued. "I thought I would die. I wanted to die—death seemed better than being without you."
The breath caught in Sora's lungs.
"I- I wanted you back and I couldn't think about anything else. Just you. How much I missed you." His Shadow's voice slowly shifted from hateful to longing. "How much I wanted to see you again… How much I wanted to hear your voice… see your face…"
"What- what are you…?" Sora stammered, but he couldn't finish. Didn't know how to finish. Wasn't sure what to say or how to process what his Shadow was telling him. And the feelings he was overhearing, from his Shadow's heart—no. No.
"I'm saying I don't want to feel this way," Sora's Shadow finished, looking down at his hands. "I don't want to be dependent on you. I don't want to live like this!"
Sora couldn't help being bitter. "First you thought death was better than being away from me and now you—"
"I SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS, SORA!" his Shadow shouted, teeth bared like fangs. "It's against my nature! I'm- I'm an abomination! I deserve death! So just! Kill me!"
"BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T!" Sora shouted back. The tears fell freely from his eyes now, and he clenched his fists nervously. "What if I really can't kill you? What if it doesn't work?"
The thought scared him. It terrified him. It wrapped around his heart with icy fingers and nearly choked him. He could hardly bear the thought of killing his Shadow, let alone plunging his blade through his Shadow's heart and having it do nothing.
What if it did nothing?
"It has to work!" his Shadow screamed. "It has to!"
"I don't want to do this…" Sora mumbled, wiping his eyes. "I don't want to…"
His Shadow hung his head.
"Please," he begged. "P-please just- just…"
Sora gritted his teeth. Closed his eyes. The sight of his Shadow begging, crying—it was pitiful. It was horrible and it twisted his stomach in knots. But there wasn't another way out of this, was there? His Shadow was a stubborn idiot and he….
…he wanted to die.
Sora could feel it, pounding at the back of his head. Resonating in his heart. His Shadow wanted to die and wanted it so badly. He believed it would be some sort of release.
Idiot, Sora thought. Absolute idiot.
He ground his teeth. There really was no other way, was there? His Shadow wouldn't listen.
"Fine!" Sora barked. He bent down to pick up his Shadow's blade. Shoved it into his Shadow's hands. "Fine! But you're gonna fight for it. You're gonna earn it. I won't kill you in cold blood—and don't try and tell me that that's not what this is. Don't tell me that this is mercy." The word was foul on his tongue. "It's still messed up and I don't like it. So we're gonna fight."
His Shadow stared at him, eyes wide.
"We're gonna fight," Sora repeated. "Like we're supposed to, and you're gonna try. Just because I'm probably gonna kill you in the end doesn't mean you don't have to put up a good fight. Make it- make it convincing. Make me wanna kill you. Make me…"
He trailed off, his bottom lip quivering. He tried not to look at his Shadow, though he was sure his Shadow already knew he was crying. It was easy to tell.
His Shadow wouldn't look him straight on, either. He was probably crying, too, though he hid it well. He readied his blade, silently.
Sora summoned his own, wiped his eyes one last time, then swung his blade downward. He and his Shadow were hardly feet from each other, so he didn't have to move any closer. His Shadow sidestepped. Swiped at him. It was too easy for Sora too dodge.
"Come on!" he screamed. "Fight me! Like you mean it!"
His Shadow scrunched up his face, either grimacing or snarling. He summoned his chains. Threw them at Sora.
They caught Sora by the wrist. He pulled against them, and they fell away almost immediately, as his Shadow jumped backward. Sora tried to tell himself that his Shadow was just too close for an effective attack, but he knew better.
He wasn't going to get much more effort out of his Shadow.
Sora growled with annoyance, rushed forward. He held the hilt of his blade close to his body. The blade itself pointed forward. If the attack hit, it'd spear his Shadow clean through.
For a second he thought his Shadow wouldn't move.
He did at the last second. Sidestepped again. He didn't attack, though.
Sora sighed.
This really was the most effort he was going to get out of Shadow, wasn't it?