I asked my friends for suggestions and ultimately that failed. But I have no ideas other than their suggestion, "war on cereal". Here you go.
"Reese."
"Malcolm."
"Reese."
"Malcolm, it's just cereal. We can afford it."
"We came here to buy condoms. For our sex life."
"Well, I kind of want cereal."
"We have $10. If we buy condoms, then we have fucking nothing left over."
"Condoms cost $3, Malcolm. I thought you were smart."
"Reese, you want to have sex 5 times a day. We need at least 10 boxes to last you through next week!"
"We're boys. We don't need them."
"With the amount of diseases you come in contact with at your job, I'm really not taking my chances."
"But! Remember this cereal! It's the cereal we always ate when mom was too lazy to cook. Don't you remember how good it tasted?"
"Yeah, but you can cook, and I prefer that to Count Chocula."
"How can you say that about Count Chocula?"
"I have taste."
"Well, clearly, you're dating me."
"Is dating the right word?"
"Well we live together, and we buy condoms together, so you tell me, genius."
Ah, domestic bliss