NERV Bets On Death Battle

by DSX62415

Shinji, Toji and Kensuke come across a set of boxes not only containing a popular internet show, but also incriminating evidence against NERV and SELEE. How do they respond to this: scamming their so called "co-workers" to the point of NERV's downfall, that's how! Rated M right from the get go (I ain't waiting for Justin Beiber VS Rabecca Black) Thanks to Yoshi3000 for helping out

3. True Chapter 1

NERV Bets On Death Battle

Important Message Regarding the Future Of This Story

True Chapter 1: First Blood: Boba Fett VS Samus Aran (Round 1)

(Warning: All properties belong to their respective copyright owners. EVA to Gainax, Death Battle to Screwattack, Metroid to Nintendo, Star Wars to Disney, you get the idea.)

(Author's Note #1: I know that I said that I was willing to dual upload to both here and AO3 (I'll request an invite key myself, but that could take a while), but that doesn't mean that I won't make some concessions on my regard. Sure, I may write character dialog different than what I did in the prologue, and sure, some lines from the episode might be altered a bit to fit my personal preference, but it's still the same story in the end of it all. That being said, let's get on to the first REAL chapter of NERV Bets on Death Battle!)

Our chapter kicks off with now level four Reality Warpers Shinji Ikari, Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida prepping the area of floor -4 of NERV headquarters they set aside for the first night of their revenge plan to take place. Toji was setting up the chairs in the traditional movie theater style while Kensuke was setting up a snack table complete with popcorn maker, multiple coolers full of various drinks, and even a cotton candy machine. And where was Shinji in all of the rucuss you may ask? He was carrying a box full of papers that were meant to aid the boys with their plan in the long run. Seeing the young Ikari with the box made him inquire about the plan.

"Are those the "special documents" you went to get in order to keep things under wraps?

This left the third child to reply "Yep. Cost me half of my NERV paycheck, but it'll be worth it when we'll be able to do what we want with these suckers and they won't be able to go to anyone about it."

Not really realizing how sheets of paper were gonna help them, Toji decided to ask about it.

"I still don't get it. How is a sheet of paper gonna make it so the people we're trying to scam can't squeal to the higher ups and screw with the whole plan?"

Replied the third child, "Easy: These papers are non-disclosure agreements. We make everyone who comes in for the first time sign these, and it will pretty much guarantee that if they rat us out, we'll be taking every employee involved in the plan with us. thus making NERV severely understaffed for an extended period of time, causing it to crumple under its own weight due to lack of people being able to keep up the work load. Either way, we still leak the information, NERV and SELEE fall, and we either die honorable deaths as heroes, or walk away from it all and hide out somewhere no one knows who we really are. I'm thinking either New New York or New Hollywood since they'll probably want to make a movie about our lives and struggles within NERV, or something like that."

Kensuke threw his two cents in by replying "Kinda makes sense. So, who did you guys give invites to? I got the bridge bunnies."

Toji answered "I got the good doctor Akagi, Strausberg and that Mana girl."

Shinji responded by saying "And I managed to get them out to Misato, Asuka and Mari."

Kensuke went from the finished and prepped snack table to configuring a projector attached to a DVD player before saying "Now we just hope they actually show up tonight."

Toji sat down in on of the chairs in the front row before replying "Pretty sure that everyone we gave invites to is either gonna not have anything to do tonight, or just show up out of pure curiosity, man."

Shinji responded to this matter by saying "We can worry about it later. Right now, let's just finish setting up for tonight."

A few hours pass and everything was all set up for the plan to begin. While they waited for their suckerrrrrrrrrrsGUESTS! Yeah, I meant guests to arrive, the boys got to talking about their newfound awareness of the fact they were nothing more than the thought of someone else from Earth Prime put to ink and paper. Surprisingly enough, it was Kensuke that started the whole conversation,and not someone you would expect like Shinji.

"Hey guys, ever since we've learned about us being nothing more than fictional anime characters, have you guys kinda felt you know, not like you used to?"

Toji responded by asking "Whadya' mean by that?"

Kensuke continued his observation by saying "You know, like your existence isn't all that special anymore, knowing that you're nothing more than a thought from some guy's head put down on a piece of paper and then animated to do whatever the hell they want you to do for their own amusement?"

Surprisingly, Toji responds to Kensuke's statement, and is surprisingly deep about it.

"Yeah, kinda. I mean, it just kinda sucks ass, you know? One day you think your world is the only one out there and there's nothing you can do about it, then the next, some scientist dude on a DVD you think is evil space porn instead of a kick ass show from another universe tells you that your world isn't even real. Just some creation of some dude or dudette sitting at a desk with a pencil in one hand and a sheet of paper being held down by the other. It's really kind of a huge downer, you know?"

Shinji knew what his friends were talking about as well, even flashing back to the day that they became registered warpers. It was the Wednesday before summer break, the boys were on the roof of the school during their break period, talking about the events that happened the Sunday prior while eating their lunches when out of a sudden, a portal opens behind them. From out of the portal steps an Hispanic male in his 20's with dark brown corporate cut hair and silver eyes wearing a black suit with a pair of brown dress shoes. The boys look in shock before he opens his mouth to speak.

"Hello there, boys. I'm looking for a Shinji Ikari, Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida, you wouldn't happen to know where they are, would you?"

Shinji steps forward to face the mystery man before responding "Yes, we're the guys you're looking for? And what, pray tell, is the reason for all this?"

The Hispanic male responded by saying "My name is Tulio Rodriguez, I'm with the Order of Reality: the governing party that rules over all Reality Warpers. It has come to the attention of the order that you three have now become level four warpers, which is why I am here."

Kensuke asked out of caution "Why do the order want with us? It isn't like we went to Earth Prime or something?"

Tulio eased the worry of Kensuke by answering "Relax, you boys aren't in any trouble. I'm just here to register you boys as official warpers. Now, if you boys could just sign these papers in the designated areas, it'll be quick and easy."

Tulio hands the boys each their own sets of special papers on clipboards before handing them all pens. It only took a few minutes for everything to be straightened out as the boys handed Tulio back the completely filled out paperwork (I know this is kind of a boring part, but it picks up later on, trust me.) The order representative looked through everything before finally addressing the boys directly.

"Alright, this stuff pretty much checks out. Here are your official warper IDs, they will change every time you increase in level, and you will be receiving an official "welcome to being a Reality Warper" gift basket within the next few days. Nothing too special, just some soaps and candies from across the multiverse, an official rule book containing warper law, new phones that have access to dimensional phone numbers that, your official warper check book connected to you dimensional bank accounts and the first two seasons of "Anime Confessions", one of our most popular shows. That being said gentlemen, I bid you adieu."

Tulio returns to back from whence he came through the portal as the flashback ends, returning to our three "heroes" in the situation they are in now. Shinji knew that after the week they've had, he needed to lift their spirits. Which gave him the idea to speak up on his own thoughts about the matter at hand.

"I know it seems pretty sucky right now, but thanks to the information given to us through that Reality Warper guy, we're truly aware of our universe now. We have a chance to truly change our world, or at least this timeline for the better, which is why we need to use our new awareness to ensure a brighter future not just for us, but for all of the people who have been affected by NERV and SELEE's wrong doings. Because if we don't, than who will?

Toji and Kensuke had to stew over Shinji's words for a few minutes before Toji decided to speak up.

"You ain't wrong, you know."

Kensuke threw his two cents into the fray by responding "You're totally right. Thanks for helping us get out of our funks, if only for a little bit.

The third child gladly replied "Hey, isn't that what friends are for? Alright, people will probably start arriving soon, let's get to our stations."

Toji and Kensuke both replied "Right."

9 P.M. finally came as we see that bridge bunnies Shigiru Aoba, Makoto Hyuga, and Maya Ibuki reach the door to the room Shinji and the others had set up. Hyuga was being his usual pessimistic self by asking "Why the hell are we even here again?"

The kind and more bubbly Maya responded by saying "Because Shinji and Toji were willing enough to invite us to this...whatever it is they're doing, the least we can do is show up if only for a few minutes."

Well, it seemed that the more nerdy, Misato loving Aoba was leaning towards Hyuga's point of things as he let out a question.

"Is it just me, or does something kinda smell fishy about all this?"

Hyuga replied to this by saying "It's probably you."

Toji opened a slit in the door after Maya knocked three times before doing his part of the night's plan by saying "Invites please."

Our three bridge bunnies show their invites to Toji before he closes the slit and opens the door all the way before saying "Alright, go ahead in."

The three enter the room, but not without Aoba having a few misgivings about the way they got in.

"OK, speak easy style way of entry, the fact that we needed our invites on us just to get in, something's clearly up here."

Shinji was quick to shoot down Aoba's accusations by saying to him "Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Now, if you guys could just sign these papers saying that you showed up and are ready to have a good time, we can get things really moving."

The third child then proceeds to pass each of the NERV employees a copy of the non-disclosure agreement in disguise along with a pen to sign it. Needless to say, Hyuga was quick to catch Aoba's sense of a scam coming as he said "Really? You guys are gonna make us sign something that says we're ready to have fun? I don't buy it."

Maya was quick to stop things from getting out of hand before stepping on Hyuga's foot and saying "You guys promised." through her teeth.

Not wanting to be given the business by a girl, Hyuga relented.

"Okay, okay, I'll sign. Give me that pen."

He quickly signed his agreement as Maya and finally Aoba followed suit before handing their papers back to the Ikari boy as he said "Perfect. Why don't you guys help yourselves to some snacks, and we'll get things started once we got enough people here."

Our first three "guests" made their way to the snack tables and grabbed themselves some stuff to eat and drink before taking their seats as we cut to Mari Illustrious Makinami and Shinji's "legal guardian" Misato Katsuragi making their way to the door with invites in tow. Shinji was quick to intercept them upon their entrance as he said "Right this way, ladies. Just sign on the dotted line saying you're ready to have some fun, and we can get started."

Being as promiscuous as she was, Mari replied by saying "Oh, "Puppy Boy", you don't have to make me sign anything for me to have a good time."

The third child was quick to respond by saying "I assure you, it's just a practicality."

Misato, being as foolish (and possibly drunk) as ever was the saving grace of this conversation by saying "Might as well sign, it looks like the boys really put some hard work into getting this place all set up."

Mari was quick to catch on to the idea and replied "Whatever you say, big momma."

Misato and Mari both sign their agreements and make their way to the snack table that much to Misato's surprise contained a cooler full of her favorite beer. Concerned with how three teenage boys got a hold of any form of alcohol, Misato was left to inquire about it.

"Uh, quick question: how the hell did you three manage to get a hold of beer, let alone my favorite brand?"

Shinji knew he had to come clean about the matter, so he answered Misato's question by saying "Okay, okay, you got us. I may have lifted some from your stash from the apartment and set 'em in the cooler, just for you."

Misato was actually humbled by the fact that the boys would do something like this for her and said "You know, that's actually sweet enough of a gesture that I'm gonna let it slide. Just don't swipe any for yourselves. Last thing I need is reports of you three on a drunken rampage across town."

Shinji, Kensuke and Toji all said "We promise, Misato."

"Good." Replied the violet haired guardian.

Musashi Lee Strausberg, Mana Kirishima, and the "good doctor" Ritusko Akagi arrived shortly afterwards, much to the surprise of our little Maya (because you know, her having a crush on her.)

"D-Dr. Akagi, what are you doing here?" Timidly asked the female bridge bunny, which left the doctor to reply "Well, even major staff members need a break once in a while, and by the looks of things, the boys really put a lot of hard work into making this place presentable for...whatever it is they plan on doing here."

Maya tried to figure out what the boys were doing by guessing "Do you think that they want to show us something they made?"

Shinji was quick to reply by saying "Oh, well you could possibly say that. But once we have all of the guests here, you'll get to see for yourself."

A few moments pass as we see that the queen of German prisses: Asuka Langely Sohryu was the last to arrive, and already, she could somewhat sense that our "heroes" were trying to pull something on all of them. She immediately approached Shinji upon entry and straight up asked him, without beating around the bush in any way, shape or form "Alright, just what are you idiots up to this time?"

Shinji was quick to respond in a calm fashion by saying "I can assure you that I have no idea what you're talking about."

Needless to say, the second child wasn't buying any of it for a minute as she continued to dig deeper by saying "Oh come on, the invites, the speak easy style entrance, having people sign papers saying that they're "gonna have a good time", this sounds like a huge scam and you know it."

Shinji responds in a style similar to the one Rigby did when Mordecai called him out on his scam during that one episode of Regular Show where Rigby accidentally hires an identity thief to do his work for him (you know the episode I'm talking about) "Well, if wanting to give the employees of this organization a fun evening with food, drinks and entertainment sounds like a scam, then this is a huuuuuuuuuge scam."

Asuka decided it just wasn't worth it anymore by replying "Oh, forget it. Like you idiots could come up with a long con that would work on any of us anyway. If it were me, you would have been conned out of everything you own by now, including the shirt off your back."

Shinji just calmly replied with a fake smile on his face "I bet you would."

Asuka signed her agreement and walked off to the snack table as Shinji's fake smile shifted into a disgruntled frown before saying "Yeah, believe what you want to believe, 'ya dumb bitch." through his teeth.

Toji managed to pull the son of the "Bastard King" out of his little mental tirade by telling him "I think we got everyone we sent invites to here."

The third quickly snapped out of it and said "Great, let's have everyone in their seats so we can get the episode started. I'll go up there and get things moving."

Shinji quickly got up in front of the screen before addressing the crowd.

"Attention, attention, can I have your attention please?

Everyone stopped what they were doing to pay attention to what Shinji had to say as he continued with his monologue saying "Alright. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for coming out tonight for some fun, give yourselves a round of applause."

Mari, Maya and begrudgingly Hyuga clapped for a short moment before Shinji continued on saying "Second of all the boys and I brought you guys out here tonight so you could all experience a little something that some guys we got to know and befriend who would prefer to remain anonymous for the time being have been working on for some time now. And they would like it if you would watch what they've made. That being said, let's do this. Roll it."

Kensuke puts the disc in the DVD player as he turns on the video projector attached to it as the first stage of their plan was about to truly begin.

(Music: "Invader" by Jim Johnston, AKA: the guy who makes some of your favorite songs within the WWE.)

We're then treated by the famous first words of Ben "Wiz" Singer as he says "Bounty hunters, intergalactic pirates who prey on living beings for a paycheck."

And cue the "delightful insights" of one Chad "Boomstick" James as he replies "They blow shit up for cash."

Most of the audience were questioning what the hell they were watching right now as we see Asuka ask "What the hell is this?"

Leaving Mari, in all her "grace and elegance" to answer "I don't know, but I'm getting a little turned on right now."

Asuka can only reply to her friend's remark by saying "TMI, four eyes."

We cut back to the episode as Wiz introduces the first combatant.

"A prime example would be Boba Fett: the most feared bounty hunter in the Star Wars galaxy."

Which left Boomstick to introduce the other by adding "And don't forget Samus Aran: she's so badass, whole planets explode when she's done with 'em. Boom!"

"I'm Wizard"

"And I'm Boomstick."

Wiz concluded the intro by saying "And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle."

The NERV employees were suddenly feeling more interested with this whole deal as we see an exchange between Aoba and Hyuga as Aoba is saying "Oh cool, it's like a geek version of "Celebrity Deathmatch"."

Hyuga knew where this was going because he had to listen to Aoba talking about the show hundreds, if not thousands of times, so he decided to act first by saying "Here we go, let it go, man."

Aoba replied "It's not my fault that a great show that can poke fun at famous people doesn't get the recognition it deserves. If I had the money, I'd hire as many of the original crew as possible to reboot the series and have it air anywhere I could get it to."

Strausberg and Mana were also taking about the match up as Strausberg was seen saying "Having two of the most awesome bounty hunters in all of pop culture duke it out in a fight to the death, gotta say I'm kinda impressed."

Ms. Kirishima is then seen replying "I'm already going with Samus to win since I've read what she's done during her series."

The kids and geeks weren't the only ones talking about the battle at hand, as we see Maya, Misato and Ritusko talking about it. Maya was more worried about the amount of possible graphic violence as we see her saying "I gotta bad feeling about this. I just know that it's gonna be nothing but blood and gore, and that I'm probably gonna need a barf bag when this is over."

Misato decided to help Maya feel better by replying "If you want, I'll tell you when something might get really bad and you can close your eyes."

Maya began to feel slightly better knowing her higher ups had her back and replied "Thank you, Major Katsuragi".

Misato simply responded "No prob."

Ritsuko was remembering things related to Star Wars from her past as she told Misato "Boba Fett I recognize since you and Kaji dragged me along to see all three original Star Wars movies back in college just before finals."

Misato toyingly replied "Don't lie, you thought they were great."

And just like that, cue our audience getting their glimpse of the most badass Mandalorian since the Duchess Satine: the woman who managed to catch Obi-Wan's forbidden fancy as Wiz begins to speak again.

"Boba Fett is known for his cunning, ruthlessness and brute force. But his killer instinct relies on his diverse arsenal of death dealing."

Boomstick decided to pipe in by saying "Plus he wears the most badass space suit ever."

Mandalorian Body Armor

Nearly Indestructible

Micro Energy Field (somewhat like an A.T. Field)

Penetrating Radar

Protection from Fire, Poison, Acid and Cold (Ritusko was getting a few ideas regarding Plug Suits with all this info)

Retractable Drinking Straw (Misato: HA!)

Wiz continued his analysis by responding "That's no ordinary space suit, Boomstick. That's Fett's Mandalorian armor, forged form nearly indestructible Duraplast containing a Micro Energy Field for dispersing impacts."

Boomstick's inclusion to all this? Him saying "This guy can have a freaking bomb blow up in his face and still walk away from it like it was nothing."

Mari was noticing the connections to the pilot Plug Suits as well as she began to say "Kinda like our Plug Suits, mama likes already. Hey doc, think you could whip up something like that for us to wear in our EVAs?"

The "good doctor" simply replied "we'll see, but you have to keep in mind that the stuff Fett's suit is made up doesn't really exist in our world."

Maya piped into the conversation by asking Ritusko "But we do have some things relatively similar to those, don't we, Dr. Akagi?"

Ritsuko almost instantly noticed that Maya might be right with her statement and responded "I believe we do, but I'll have to double check."

But enough audience reactions for now, let's get back to Wiz explaining the Fett man's gauntlets and all of their awesome contents.

"His gauntlets house a flamethrower with a reach of 5 meters, a fibercord whip, along with numerous concussion and stun missiles."

Wrist Gauntlets

Flame Projector

Fibercord Whip

Wrist Laser

Concussion Missiles

Stun Missiles (just seeing all this stuff mentioned made Mari want these added to their Plug Suits even more)

Wiz continued his rundown of Fett's weapons as he began to describe his main weapon of choice.

"His main weapon of choice is the EE-3 Carbine Rifle, an extremely accurate and powerful weapon that Fett often cradles like a child..."

EE-3 Carbine Rifle

Fires in Short Bursts

Scope Outfitted

Shoulder Sling

Rock-a-Bye Rifle (WTF?)

Of course Boomstick had to chime in and say "Yeah, I do that with my guns too."

Leaving Wiz to only respond "That's...not weird at all, Boomstick..."

Hearing those words come out of Wiz's mouth made everyone turn around towards Misato who was cradling her favorite pistol, leaving her to respond "What? Wiz just said it wasn't weird. What?"

Uhhhhhhhhhh, okayyyyyyyy...Back to the episode! Wiz tries to get things back on track by saying "How 'bout you fill us in on Fett's heavy weaponry?"

Ritsuko sarcastically replied "Oh, please do."

Boomstick continued the analysis by stating "Well, everyone and their grandma knows that Fett can zoom around with his badass jetpack, which also houses a single anti-vehicle homing rocket. And believe me, you don't want to see this thing heading your way."

Mitrinomon Z-6 Jetpack

Hands Free

Up to 1 Minute of Flight

Max Speed: 95 mph/ 145 kph

Magnetic Grappling Hook

Anti-Vehicle Homing Rocket (Now Mari REALLY wanted these for their Plug Suits)

Wiz took over by saying "That's right, Boomstick. In short, Fett is a human Swiss Army Knife. He's killed hundreds of criminals, politicians and Jedi. He's even held his own against Darth Vader twice.)

Leaving Boomstick to reply "Holy shit, that's hardcore!"

And of course Misato had to agree by shouting "You're damn right, it is!"

Ritsuko on the other hand was a bit skeptical since she had only seen the movies as she chimed in by saying "I don't remember anywhere in the movies where Boba Fett ever fought Darth Vader."

Maya was able to resolve the "good doctor's" problem by mentioning "I think those fights may have been exclusive to some of the expanded universe comic books that were released between and after each movie."

This left Ritsuko to respond "I see."

Wiz continued to list off Fett's list of great feats by mentioning "He became the leader of the Mandalorian mercenaries after the Galactic Civil War, and battled Mace Windu, a trained Jedi Master to a draw when he was just 12 years old."

Of course Boomstick had to add in "Sam Jackson's got nothing on him."

This left a surprised Ritusko to ask "The actor from "Pulp Fiction"? What does he have to do in any of this?"

Aoba responded by saying "He played Mace Windu in the prequel films."

Leaving Ritsuko to ponder "You know, I'm actually surprised that he survived Second Impact."

Which Aoba responded "And thank god he did."

The feats had to eventually end at some point, for it was time for Wiz to point out the Fett man's flaws by mentioning "But with all of his awesomeness, every so often Fett will totally blow it. He's fallen into the Sarlacc pit three times, three! And the Sarlacc's not exactly looking for snacks."

Misato was left scratching her head at this knowlege as she asked "Wait, he only fell in it once in Episode 6, when did the other two times happen?"

Leaving Maya to answer "Again, I think those happened in either some expanded universe books or comics. Star Wars has a pretty expansive lore that goes far beyond just the movies, Major Katsuragi."

Boomstick wasn't happy about this news either as he began to say "Three time?! How do you even do that once? It's a giant hole in the ground with teeth, and he's got a jetpack!"

Asuka, in all her grace and sophistication just had to chime in by saying "Because he might be as big an idiot as Shinji?"

Wiz concluded the analysis by stating "Still, even with his ridiculous flaws, Boba Fett is a whole new meaning to the word "deadly"."

And cue the clip from I believe Episode Five as Vader tells Fett "No disintegration."

Leaving Fett to reply "As you wish."

Cue our audience reactions in 5,4,3,2...now as Mari begins by going "Jeezum crow, how could a guy who can do all that awesome stuff be dumb enough to fall in a giant stationary tooth pit a total of three times, how?"

Asuka replied by stating "Allow me to make a counter-statement: who cares?"

Mari responded by saying "Surely you can't say that you aren't interested in some of this stuff. I mean come on, the stuff used in Fett's suit is perfect for us to have in our Plug Suits."

Asuka replies again by saying "Again, who cares?"

Meanwhile, Misato was asking bridge bunny Maya "Hey Maya, you got any of that "expanded universe" Star Wars stuff I can take a look at since you know all about it?"

Maya responded to her superior's question by answering "I think I can come up with a few things."

Alright, enough of that. Time to focus on Nintendo's galactic badass bae: the one and only Samus Aran as Wiz begins the analysis stating "Samus Aran was infused with bird-like Chozo DNA at a young age, increasing her strength, speed and athletic ability far beyond those of a normal human being."

Which left Boomstick in his classic Boomstick fashion to respond "How do they do that? I want me some bird DNA!"

Mari chimed in by stating "Me too, that would most likely make fighting angels a breeze."

Asuka responded to her friend's statement by saying "You can't be serious about that, how would you even know it would work and not turn you into some mutant freak? Or worse?"

Mari counter responded by asking "And you wouldn't be willing to take the risk if it meant that it would make you an even more awesome pilot?"

Well, that shut Asuka up for a bit as Mari simply said "That's what I thought."

Okay, moving on. Wiz continued his analysis by mentioning "She wears the Power Suit, typically in Varia Form. Which shields her entire body without restricting any of her movement or flexibility."

Of course Boomstick had to chime in by saying "Too bad it makes her look like a dude."

Varia Power Suit

Shields Entire Body

Environmental Protection

Easy to Upgrade

No Restriction of Movement or Flexibility (all this caught Ritsuko's attention)

Wiz resumed by saying "Her primary weapon is the Arm Cannon, which has aquired numerous upgrades over the years. Though the basic Power Beam is basically just a pea shooter with a pathetic area of range...

Boomstick finished Wiz's sentence before he could as he went "At full charge, it'll blow your face off! BAM, Shoop Da Woop!"

Arm Cannon

Easy to Upgrade

Power Beam

Charge Beam

Ice Beam

Grapple Beam

Missiles (these got Misato's attention pretty quick)

Wiz continues his download on the Arm Cannon by saying "the Arm Cannon can also use an ice beam, grapple beam and a plethora of seeking and super missiles."

Misato was pretty much begging Ritusko to make her one as we see her going "Rits, please make that Arm Cannon..."

Ritusko could only reply by saying "What makes you think that even with all of the technology NERV has at its disposal, we can make something like that cannon?"

All Misato could say was "Damn."

Screw Attack

Powerful Electric Charge

Temporary Invincibility

Extremely Fast

Namesake of an Awesome Website (which left most of the whole audience in the room to go "Wait, what?")

Morph Ball Alt-Form

1 Meter Diameter

Can Release Bombs

Jumping Ability/ Also Called "Maru Mari" (Mari just wishes that was named after her)

Can Access Small/ Hard to Reach Places

Wiz goes on by stating "Samus controls the skies with the powerful and speedy Screw Attack, and if there's trouble on the battlefield, she can curl up into her Morph Ball mode and slip away unnoticed."

Boomstick just has to ask "What the (censored)?! How does she do that?"

Leaving Wiz to simply answer "Bird DNA, Boomstick. Bird DNA."

Leaving Mari to go "Which makes me want it even more."

Asuka was getting more annoyed at her coworker before going "Oh, give it up, why don't you?"

Mari only responded by going "Never!"

We go back to the rundown as Boomstick throws in his share of science by going "Samus also has a freaking huge supply of Power Bombs, which can destroy anything on the screen in seconds. Nothing survives!"

Power Bombs

Huge Blast Radius

Deals Massive Damage

Crystal Flash Healing Ability

Deployed Only in Morph Ball Mode (everyone immediately thought about the N2 mines when they heard about the Power Bombs)

Wiz had to get to the good and the bad eventually as he began by saying "She is known to be the bounty hunter capable of taking on impossible missions, fighting massive beasts and even wiping out an entire species. (pretty much everyone wonders if she was real, could she wipe out all of the angels in one fell swoop) However, she often makes mistakes. Somehow, she always seems to lose all of her power ups and upgrades at the beginning of every mission."

It was then that Boomstick just had to make the sexist comment of "Man, someone get this chick a purse."

Let me sum up the reaction of every female audience member when he said that in one word: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cue clip of Samus getting ready for a mission as she quietly says "Time to go." before her helmet's visor flashes.

Now that the rundown on both fighters was complete, it was time for the fight to get underway as Wiz goes "Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all."

But before that, Boomstick interrupts the start of the fight by saying "But first, I gotta pay off my double barrel bazooka shotgun, thanks to Netflix." (For the sanctity of making sense, let's just say that Netflix, Gamefly, Go Daddy, Audible, every company that gets an ad on this show exists in the EVA universe, except they aren't as big as they are here in our world.)

Shinji pulled Toji to him before whispering "Time to kick off the plan, tell Kensuke to get in place. You too."

Toji gave a signal to Kensuke as he paused the disc before joining him and Shinji at the little stand they had set up in one of the corners of the room as their plan was about to truly unfold when Shinji stood up and went "Step right up, step right up! Come on over and place your bets! What good is living without a little risk in your life, and doesn't risk make life just a little bit more fun in the end of it all? I say yes! So step right up, step right up and place your bets!"

Asuka's suspicions were proven true as she proceeds to go "You want us to bet on this crap?! I knew you idiots were up to something!"

Misato continued by adding "You boys can't set up a gambling ring here, you'll get killed!"

Shinji begins his counter debate by stating "Actually, since the old rat bastard we're forced to call "boss" doesn't care what the hell we do after hours, we can pretty much do anything we want. And besides, what he doesn't know won't hurt anybody, it's not like you guys are betting anything important like your souls or your homes, just a little bit of cash that was just gonna go to waste anyway."

Shinji's surprisingly silver tongue makes the crowd not want to lynch the boys just yet as the third child continues by stating "I mean come on, we have to act like uptight little tools of a machine that have to be so wound up, we can't even sit down without someone, namely my father throwing a hissy fit and a half fit for the queen. You know what I say to that? I say we make this our own little area to just unwind once a week, get together, and act like a bunch of raucous hooligan bastards. Who will join me?!"

the room went silent for a moment before someone finally got the guts to speak up, and it wasn't who you would think it would be. It was surprisingly Maya who took the young Ikari boy's side by stating "He isn't wrong, you know. For once, I'd like to be the one who's able to cut loose here and not have to worry about losing my job. So, put me down for 2000 Yen on Samus Aran."

Despite his initial digressions, Aoba was the next to side with the boys by saying "You know what, I agree. I'll go 1500 on Boba to win."

Hyuga was next to give in as he just said "Whatever. Put me down for 2500 on Fett."

Mana was next to bet as she says "I'll go 2000 on Samus."

Followed by Strausberg when he says "Put me down for 2500 on the Fett man."

Mari felt like trying to one up someone tonight as she goes "Hell, I can trump all those weak ass bets. I'll wager 5000 on Boba, cause he has the kick ass armor I want to wear in an EVA."

Asuka was downright shocked at the amount of "stupidity" that she was seeing before responding by asking "You guys can't seriously be thinking about actually going with these idiots and their obvious scam, are you?"

Misato responds by going "Sorry, Asuka, but the majority has spoken. Put me down for 2500 on Samus!"

The second child hopes that Ritsuko will take her side as she asks her "Surely you have the good sense not to fall for this, don't you, doctor?"

Much to her dismay, Dr. Akagi answers her question by saying "Normally I wouldn't condone this, but dammit, even I need some on site sin around this joint once in a while. Put me down for 3000 on Boba."

Everyone placed their bets as Shinji took the money and placed it in a locked security box before going to the German/Japanese EVA pilot and goes "Well Asuka, everyone else has already placed their bets, so how 'bout it? Wanna play a little game of chance? There's a good chance it could blow up in my face and you could be able to laugh at it when it happens."

Asuka had to mull it over for a few more moments before coming to her final choice as she reluctantly goes "Fine! Put me down for 2000 on that bounty hunter girl with the gun on her arm."

Shinji gladly takes Asuka's money before going "And we have our final bet of the night with Asuka putting down 2000 Yen on Samus Aran! That is it, we will not be accepting any more bets tonight, all wagers are final, and the house gets a 50% cut from the money given by the losers while the other 50 is divided equally among the winners. Now if everyone will take their seats, we can show off the fight and you can see if you made the right bet."

Everyone returns to their seats as Kensuke restarts the video as we hear Boomstick yell "Yeah. Well, it's time for a Death Battle!"

(On to the fight: Space: it's cold, it's empty and the nearest Boobies restaurant is lightyears away. It's here that we see Samus' famous gunship flying around the cosmos, that is until the Slave 1 appears out of nowhere and opens fire, sending our Nintendo hottie crshing down to some random planet. Our femme fatale exits her craft as we see the Fett man hovering down to fight her on his jetpack as the announcer makes the call. "FIGHT!" And it's on! Aran tries to draw first blood by firing off her bower beam, but the shots fade before they can hit the Mandalorian who retaliates with some shots from his beloved EE-3. OOOOOOH, and the shots connect, but Aran ain't out just yet as she shoots off a missile at the Fett man. It hits just as she lands to the ground, but Fett counters with a good old fashioned flamethrower attack, but it's not enough as Aran gets out of the way and fires another missile at the Star Wars legend. He escapes thanks to his jetpack, but look out, here comes Aran with her famous Screw Attack and she nails it, Fett is down on the ground now!

Turns out that Asuka is starting to dig this little scheme of our heroes as we see her quietly saying "What do you know, this isn't as stupid as I thought it would be, and I might just win some money while I'm at it."

Mari on the other hand was too busy being concerned about losing as we see her yelling at the screen "Come on, Fett! I put big money on you, get back up and kick some space ass!"

Back to the fight as we see that Fett gets back into the fight thanks to some well timed concussive missiles, nailing the female bounty hunter and causing her to go into Morph Ball mode to escape. Fett ain't having none of it, and down comes the anti-vehicle missile from his jetpack, but OH-NO! He misses.

Misato was impressed with Ms. Aran's tactics as we hear her thinking "Very clever girl."

Fett goes after the ball with caution as we see that Aran is right behind him, placing a Power Bomb, Fett is too late to realize what just happened as it goes off.

Aoba reels from the bomb blast as he goes "OOOOOOOOOOH! That ain't good for Boba."

Hyuga was getting worried he was gonna lose some dough as we hear him going "Come on dammit, I got a lot of money riding on you to win."

The dust clears as we see that...Fett is still standing, Fett is still standing! The man from Kamino and Mandalor sees the Chozo infused human before firing off another missile, she dodges before firing off an ice beam that hits Fett.

Mari is really worrying now as we see her going "Not good, not good, not good!"

Asuka can simply reply "It's all over now."

Fett struggles to break free, but Aran closes in with a charged up cannon.

Maya says "This is it..."

Samus silently states "You're mine." beforrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee...BAM! Straight to the head, down goes Fraisr...I mean down goes Boba, down goes Boba! Samus Aran is victorious as the announcer goes "KO!"

The audience is in an uproar of mixed reactions as we see Asuka shout "Yeah, baby! Who do I see about getting paid?!"

Ritsuko wasn't too happy with the results her self as we see her quietly saying "Damn, I thought that Fett really had it for a moment there."

Which Misato replied in an effort to cheer up her friend by saying "Don't worry about it too much, Rits. It's only 3000 Yen, it's not like you bet 30,000 or anything like that."

Mari was taking her loss the worst as we here her go "God dammit, I just lost 5000 Yen! This is not a good night for me."

On to the post fight as Boomstick responds to the action the only way he can.

"Holy shit! Did you see that, Wiz? That was insane!"

Wiz kicked off the post battle analysis by stating "Fett battled like a champ, but in the end, Samus' superior technology and athletic skills trumped him hard."

To which Hyuga replied "Tell me about it." in his usual sarcastic manner.

Wiz went on by going "While her basic power beam failed miserably, Samus put her Chozo DNA to work by jumping and dodging around Fett's offences. Boba Fett, who relies more on his cunning and brute force simply didn't have the means necessary to catch Samus."

Of course a still sore Mari goes "Now he tells us!"

Boomstick threw his two cents in as he began to say "He was shooting all over the place, but the space chick was just to quick for him. He even tried to use his homing rocket, but anyone whose blown up a lot of shit in their day knows that anti-vehicle rockets don't work all too well on people."

Strausberg chimes in by adding "He ain't wrong, you know."

Wiz continues Boomstick's part of the analysis by adding "Exactly. Samus is about four times smaller than the average vehicle, so there's only about a one in four chance that Fett's rocket would have hit her. Not to mention the fact that she kept moving, which prevented Fett from getting a solid lock on her."

Aoba mulled over what Wiz was saying for a few seconds before finally going "That kinda makes sense when you think about it."

Boomstick continues the play by play by adding "After that screw up, Samus managed to sneak around Fett and left a little surprise at his feet in the form of a power bomb."

Which Wiz added on to by saying "While Fett's micro-energy field did manage to minimize the damage he took from the power bomb, by that point in the fight, it was already over. Samus froze Fett with her ice beam and finished him off with a charge beam to the face."

Boomstick makes the final joke of the episode by going "She sure stopped him cold."

Leaving Mari to shout out "Quit rubbing it in, Boomstick!"

Wiz ended the episode by saying "That's right, Boomstick. The winner is Samus Aran."

Kensuke paused the video one last time as Shinji got back up on stage to make a few announcements.

"Alright, I'd like to thank you guys again for coming out tonight. Before we announce the next match up that will go down one week from today, whoever bet on Samus, please come collect your original wager plus an extra 1450 Yen from the losing wagers."

Maya, Asuka, Misato and Mana all came up and collected their winnings from Shinji before getting back to their seats before he continued by saying "Alright. Now, for those of you who lost in this fight, better luck next time, which will be at the same time at the same place right here one week from tonight. And, if you want to watch this episode again, the guys that made it will be putting this up on their website sometime next week (It'll be Kensuke who makes the EVA version of Screwattack, please don't confuse it for the original or sue me if someone who works for that site is reading this, I do this because I love your work.) Now then, Kensuke unpaused the video for the last time as Boomstick is heard saying "Next time on Death Battle." as a flurry of violet flamed punches create an odd burning symbol on the otherwise blank screen as a creepy voice goes "Your soul is mine." The hype factor was real as the audience was already making plans to show up next week to see who these two mystery fighters were, but you guys already know who they are, don't you. We then cut to the boys counting the money from the night's battle after everyone left a few hours later as Kensuke is seen saying "After our first night, we have reached a total of...7250 Yen."

Shinji gladly responded by saying "Great. We're on our way, boys. Now, do any of you guys know how to make a website, because I sure as hell don't."

We'll just leave this episode off here and go straight toooooo...

The Omake! Tonight's episode: "Meet the Merch (cue Team Fortress 2 music)" (All omakes are canon in this story, special thanks to Israel Pena for letting me do what he's doing with my own special twists.)

Kensuke answers Shinji's question by stating "Don't look at me, I just know how to work a video camera."

Toji's answer wasn't much help either as he simply said "Don't look at me either, I'm the brawn of this operation."

Shinji was dumbfounded as we hear him sigh before saying "Great, I said that there would be a website that would air the videos for people to see outside of the betting ring up later this week, and none of us know how to make a website. We need to learn how, and fast."

It was then that a mysterious voice is heard saying "Hmmmmmmm, perhaps I could help with such an endeavor."

Out of the shadows came a figure similar to the "Black Lagoon" character Rock save for his eyes being a light green wearing a black three piece suit carrying a briefcase full of strange objects from far away realms as Shinji confronts this stranger by stating "Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?"

The mysterious man in the suit answers the third child's questions by simply saying "Oh, you can just call me "Merch" for you see, I am a salesman of wondrous goods from all across the multiverse. And since you boys are now level four warpers, I can sell you my goods, for a modest price of course."

Toji straight out asks "This guy for real?"

Leaving Merch to respond by answering "Yes, Mr. Suzuhara, I am indeed "for real". And since you boys are new to the whole "warper" game, for the time being it would be the best idea to primarily sell you boys the basics.

Merch then opens his briefcase and puts his arm deep inside as he grabs a large pile of books before saying "Mobius briefcase, pretty cool, right? Let's see here, is that all the basic materials? Yes it is. Now then, I'm willing to offer you boys the most basic needs that a warper must have in their possesion when they're starting out. There's "Basics of Being A Reality Warper for Dummies", Website Creation and Management for Dummies", "Coding" and "Hacking for Dummies", the three levels of "Energy Manipulation", Dimensional Science" and of course "Reality Altering Magic for Dummies". But wait, you say that you boys don't have the time to read these books because of the constant threat of angel attacks? Well, threat no more when you see this."

Merch then pulls out a large gun similar to the "Unmaker" from "Doom" as he introduces the best weapon you could ever have in a place like the "Evangelion" multiverse.

"Gentlemen, I present to you the solution to your angel problems once and for all: The Unmaker, Angel Edition."

Despite how cool the gun looked, Kensuke had to ask "How is that thing gonna deal with out angel problem, even if it is pretty badass looking?"

Merch happily answers the bespectacled male's question by answering "Easy, my dear boy: one shot from this will penetrate any AT Field, going straight for the angel's core. Effectively killing them all in one shot. Much more effective than anything you boys have here right now, isn't it?"

Shinji just grabbed all the cash they made from the fight in a "shut up and take my money" style before going "We'll take all of it, how much?"

Merch happily replies "Wonderful, I'll need a trade of equal value, I'll gladly take some bodily fluids from your red headed German co-worker and her friend in pink with the glasses."

Shinji could only respond in the most acceptable way possible "BODILY WHAT?!"

Merch calmly responded by mentioning "Yeah, you'd be surprised how many perverts there are that would be willing to pay top dollar for things containing the DNA of their favorite characters out there. Of course you would be receiving a cut of the sale as a sort of "broker's fee" of sorts."

Toji bluntly asked "How much we talking about?"

Kensuke had to punch his friend in the shoulder as he said "Dude, don't ask that!"

Merch was willing answer the fourth child's question by saying "I'd be willing to give you boys 10% of the cut each to start, and in a few years, we might be able to talk about an increase."

Shinji turned to his brothers in arms before saying "Guys, we need this stuff." He then turned to Merch before saying "Is there anything you can sell us to help get it that would be enough for the samples from both of them AND maybe something like some of Misato's hair?"

Merch thought about it for a little bit before we hear his response.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...I got it. How about this nifty little replicator made on the Gem Homeworld? It can copy and replicate items in near infinite numbers, but only if they are from the universe that you're using it in. So no copying stuff from me in order to get freebies since pretty much nothing I sell comes from the "Evangelion" universes outside of more, shall we say "adult" items."

This left Shinji to inquire by saying "Adult as in..."

Merch answered by stating "Oh, you know: artbooks, wall scrolls, fan made comics, stuff like that. But I'll probably wait to sell you some of those until you boys have had some formal warper training."

Shinji reached a decision to add the replicator to the stuff they were buying as he went "Alright, we'll take one of those replicator things too, but we won't be able to pay you until Thursday."

This left Merch to question the third child by asking in a serious tone "And why is that?"

Shinji's response was quick and to the point as he answered "NERV holds a weekly drug test on all of its pilots and employees ever Thursday, Toji can cause a distraction while I switch out some replicated sample with the real ones, which we'll give to you as payment with the added incentive of Misato's hair as a bonus. You meet us that Thursday evening on the grounds of the local High School, we can do the trade off there. Deal?"

Merch was surprisingly impressed with Shinji's moxie as he replied "I like the way you think, kid. Tell you what, I'll go along with your little deal, and I'll even let you keep that stuff until then, just make sure that you get me those fluids, got it?"

Shinji simply answered "Crystal clear."

Merch then responded to Shinji's words by saying "Good boy. And since I'm feeling generous today, I'll even throw in a free copy of "Moby Dick for Dummies", yours to keep at no extra charge. Until Thursday, boys."

Merch transports out of the room as Shinji takes a look at the free book they received just for kicks as he openly read an line from it.

"Call me Ismael, dummy. Wow, Matt Groening really hit the nail on the board when he thought about this."

Toji had to ask about the plans as we hear him asking "So now what?"

Shinji answered by saying "Well, I guess we should learn how to make a website so we aren't ostracized as liars in front of everybody first, then figure out all the other stuff about being a warper afterwards, and maybe if there's time, go through that whole "Moby Dick for Dummies" book.

Kensuke noticed one small detail was being overlooked as he asked "What about getting those samples from the drug test?"

Shinji replied by answering "We can think up of how we're gonna do that while we're working on that website, but for right now, let's get to work"

Toji and Kensuke boldly replied "Right."

(End Omake)

(Author's Note #2: There you have it folks: round one of Boba Fett VS Samus Aran. A little word of warning, I have decided not to go to Archive of Our Own with this story in favor of DeviantArt (just look up DSX62415 Deviantart, you should find it no problem). However, the version will remain here to serve as a beacon of quality to serve as an example to all others who want to do reaction fics here and show this site's harshest critics that even stories like this can be well executed. As always, thank you for reading, don't forget to favorite, review and follow both here and on DeviantArt (the version that's gonna get posted on there will be up eventually) and as always, DSX62415, out.)