Chapter 242: This
Namine tapped her toes against the ground. Anything to keep herself occupied. She was trapped her with nothing to do, and more importantly, no weapons. No blade. No lightning. No dark corridors. Though, only lightning would do her any good, restrained like this. And if she could form dark corridors, that would get her out of the room, but would it get her out of the restraints?
She was just trying to see if she could break said restraints when the door opened. Of course, Kairi wasn't in the room when she stepped through the door, she was in the secondary room, which was separated from this one by a wall of glass. Well, it probably wasn't glass—glass was an unwise decision in what was meant to be a prison. Too easy to break.
Namine straightened and shifted in her seat. This chair was so uncomfortable.
"Kairi!" she called, putting on her best innocent voice. "I'm so glad you're here! Any way you can let me out? These restraints are cutting into my wrists and this chair is awful—"
"Actually, that's a good point, Roxas," Kairi said, as Roxas entered behind her. "I definitely need her out of those restraints."
"Uhh, you sure that's safe?"
"Well, it's necessary, so."
"This plan is dumb."
"I know."
Roxas sighed, and moved over to the computer to mess with it. Namine perked up, though she did watch Kairi skeptically as Kairi entered the actual cell. What was that Kairi was holding in her hands? Ugh, wait, she didn't really think—
"Don't let her out just yet, Roxas," Kairi said. "When I say so."
"Got it!" Roxas called.
Namine glared at Kairi as Kairi set her CD player on the ground. She pressed a few buttons in it. An (achingly familiar—no,) annoying song burst to life through its cruddy headphones.
Kairi held a hand out to Namine.
"Dance with me," she said.
Namine stared at her.
"You've got to be kidding."
"One dance, Namine. That's all I ask."
"No."
(Why did this feel familiar?)
Kairi's face scrunched up a little, but she didn't pull her hand back.
"Remember how we used to dance, on the Islands?" Kairi asked. "When we were terrified, found it hard to believe anything was going to be okay ever again? But—we pushed that pain away, and danced instead?"
She did, remember, she found. If she thought about it. The memories were vague, and fuzzy, but they stirred in the back of her mind.
"I think you've lost… a lot of that feeling," Kairi continued, unwavering. "I'd like to try and help you get it back."
Namine eyed her, and her outstretched hand.
"You… aren't going to leave me alone until I agree to this, huh?" she asked.
"Nope!" Kairi answered, brightly.
Namine sighed.
Well, it would get her out of the restraints. She'd do what Kairi asked, dance through one song, and then—well, nothing could really stop her from blackening Kairi's other eye, then. And maybe she could slip out of her.
If Kairi was going to be stupid enough to let her out, then, fine by her.
"Alright," she said, with a sigh. "One dance."
"No funny business," Kairi warned.
"Yeah!" Roxas called. "You'll have to get past me and that door if you wanna get anywhere, anyway." He was grinning as widely as Kairi was. "You ready, Kairi?"
"Let her go."
The restraints around Namine's wrists snapped open, and she let out a sigh of relief, reaching over to rub one of them—
Then Kairi grabbed her by the hands and pulled her to her feet.
The music was stupid, and grated on her ears. Kairi's fingers interlaced with hers, and Kairi gripped her hands tightly—too tightly? Namine supposed she couldn't blame her, though. Kairi tried to move them, swaying to the music, but Namine stood still, rigid.
Kairi clucked her tongue in annoyance. "C'mon, Namine," she said, glaring. "Work with me!"
"Why?" Namine demanded, turning up her nose.
"Because there's no way you want to stay like this!"
"Stay like—?! This is who I am!"
"No. No it's not. Namine—" Kairi broke off, desperation breaking across her face, tears welling up in her eyes.
And then…
In a blur, she let go of one of Namine's hands and wrapped that arm around Namine, hugging her close, holding her tight. Namine, who'd been rigid before, went stiff as a board now. Kairi was crying into her shoulder, and it was… kind of gross?
(Something, something stirred in her stomach, though. She tried to tell herself it was disgust, but it felt like pain, like despair—)
"Namine, please, please," Kairi sobbed. "I don't know if this is going to work, or even if I'm doing it right but, you have to remember who you are. This isn't you! You're not- you're not cruel. You're not a killer. You're my best friend, and you… you…!"
Kairi squeezed her hand so hard Namine thought her fingers might break.
"I- I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kairi whispered, repeating the words fervently.
"What for?" Namine asked. It was impossible to make any emotion stir in her chest.
"Because I'm such a- a terrible friend and I- I- I can't even. I can't even bring you back. I don't even know how to fix this and if I don't know one else will and- and-"
Something uneasy bubbled inside Namine. She was fine. She didn't need to be fixed!
But.
Something clamored and burned in the back of her mind, too. Some kind of pain, some kind of anguish.
(What right did she have, to make Kairi break down crying like this?—no, no, NO.)
She wrapped her free hand around Kairi's arm, squeezing it tight. She wasn't sure if she wanted to break it, or if she just wanted the anchor. Why did she want an anchor?
"I'm fine," she hissed, but Kairi didn't hear her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I should have- should have stayed with you. With you and- and Riku," Kairi was saying, stammering the words in a rush. Her tears were hot on Namine's skin. "I- I should have stayed because then- because then I could have been with you. Because then maybe this wouldn't have happened. You- You wouldn't have been alone, and they wouldn't have gotten you, and—"
But that wasn't it.
They didn't get her because she was alone.
She'd chosen to—
The thought broke off, her mind blurring dizzily. Something in her head seemed to… crack. Fracture. She trembled, gripping Kairi tighter for support.
"Please, Namine. You have to remember."
Kairi's words were a roar in her ears. The music stirred memories around and around in her chest.
She remembered.
Clinging to Kairi like this, bare toes in the sand, swaying slowly to music that was too fast to slow-dance to, trying to fight down feelings of anxiety in their chests.
She remembered.
Laughing with Sora and Kairi and Riku in the sunset, the waves pounding in the distance.
She remembered.
Cheeks hot, breathless, the feeling of Riku's lips still lingering on hers. The way he'd pressed their foreheads together. The way he'd laughed. The way she couldn't stop smiling—
She remembered.
Back and hands pressed against the wall, desperation and fear roiling in her stomach. She still tasted how the words felt, tearing themselves from her mouth. "How would YOU feel, if you were in my place?! How would YOU feel, if you had to kill him, and you didn't have a choice—"
And worst of all, she remembered:
The thrill of seeing Riku on the ground, her blade pressed to the back of his neck. How good it had felt, in those terrible moments, to watch him writhe from her lightning (how could she how could she how could she). The feeling of her knuckles in Kairi's eye. The way it was a pleasure and an annoyance to keep tossing Kairi out of the way. The joy of finally sliding her blade through Riku's body in a blow that should kill—
That thing in her mind finished fracturing, and it snapped, and horror washed over her.
Her knees gave way, unable to stand under the weight of what she'd done, the ways she'd enjoyed it.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," she gasped as Kairi eased her to the ground and "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" she sobbed as Kairi let go of her. She clutched at her face, wanting to tear off her skin. How could she have done all that? How could she have—!?
(You wanted to see him dead—No I didn't no I didn't no I didn't!)
"Namine? Namine!" Kairi's voice. Surprised. Ecstatic? She grabbed Namine by the shoulders, and her face came into view between Namine's fingers. "Did that work!?"
Namine wasn't sure how to say anything other than more "I'm sorry"s, still reeling under the terrible reality of the things she had done. To Riku and Kairi both. Her head was pounding and wouldn't quit.
"It looks like it might have?" came Roxas's voice. "I can't imagine Larxene apologizing like this."
"Right," Kairi said to him, and then, gently: "Hey," she said to Namine. "Namine, it's okay. It wasn't you…"
"But it was me. I hurt you, and I would have- have killed Riku—"
"It's okay, it's okay," Kairi assured her. She ran her hands up and down Namine's arms in a soothing motion. "I'm not mad at you. It wasn't like you had a choice."
"But- are you sure I'm- I'm safe?" Namine asked, fear gripping her chest tightly. "What if- what if I attack you again? I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want to- I don't want to kill Riku—"
She curled her fingers around her hair. The pounding in her head seemed to grow stronger. It resonated throughout her entire body. She wasn't sure what it wanted, just that it wanted something, and she was sure it would beat her senseless unless it got it.
"I think you're fine," Kairi told her, her voice barely cutting through the pounding. "I mean, you just told me you don't want to hurt me or Riku, so that's gotta be a step up, right? The fact that you're worried only proves you're okay."
"Kairi, please, I can't risk hurting Riku—"
The pounding throughout her only grew stronger as she said that. It was hard to think around it.
"Hey," Kairi said. "How do you feel? Do you… feel okay? Like yourself?"
"I mean, I guess?" Namine answered. "I mean, I can separate it in my head. Being me and being… not-me." She couldn't bring herself to say Larxene, even though that was true in a lot of ways. "But I still remember what I did. And I- my head is throbbing…"
"Oh! Well," came Roxas's voice, followed by his footsteps.
He squatted down next to Namine and Kairi, looked Namine in the eyes.
"You still want to kill Riku, don't you?" he asked.
To Namine's horror, the moment she thought yes, the pounding stopped completely.
"What the hell kind of question was that?" Kairi demanded, punching Roxas in the arm. "She already said she—"
"Why did it stop?" Namine asked, chest tight. "Why did it stop!?"
"It started because you'd gone too long without thinking about hurting Riku," Roxas answered. "And that should tell you why it stopped."
It felt like something had just grabbed Namine's stomach and wrung it like a wet towel.
"Theoretically, you can just think about punching him in the jaw and it'll stop," Roxas continued, with a laid-back smile. Whether or not it was meant to reassure her, it just made Namine uneasy. "That's how I survived."
"What are you two talking about?" Kairi looked between them, eyes narrowed.
"The pounding," Namine answered, forgetting that Kairi wouldn't understand.
"It's how they intended to keep us in line," Roxas explained. "The protocols or failsafes or whatever you want to call them. We go too long thinking about how we don't want to do what we were programmed to do, and a pounding will start in our head, and won't relent until you give in."
"I can't live like this," Namine said. "Having to think about- about hurting Riku every—"
"They can fix it," Roxas assured her. He looked over at Kairi. "She's good, by the way. Someone will have to remove the protocols, of course, but she's her. She wouldn't feel the pounding if she wasn't."
Kairi nodded, slowly. "Then we better go tell everyone huh?" she said, pushing herself to her feet. "Come on, Namine—"
"I'm not leaving this room," Namine argued. She didn't trust herself to.
Kairi considered her a moment, looking like she wanted to protest. But then she relented.
"Okay. I'll be right back."