My Heart is Numb

Waking up with no recollection of the night before, Darcy was both mortified and slightly relieved to have woken up in Jon's bed. The smell was comforting and the familiar decor – or lack thereof – was something she had missed. However, as events from the bar onwards were either terribly hazy or completely missing she did begin to panic slightly.

It took little effort to get out of bed despite the roaring headache she had due to her hangover. It wasn't the worst she had and she was determined to get up, get ready and go to work. She had missed Friday's training session because of a not-even-injured shoulder so she had a whole day to make up for.

Her dress and jacket were lying in a neat pile on the dresser and her heels were placed carefully on the floor – essentially disproving any theory of having sex with Jon. Beside them were some old clothes she had left behind in her rush to leave so she made quick work of pulling them on.

Jon was sitting on the couch watching a morning news program when she stepped out of the bedroom. He looked back over his shoulder, his eyes softening and a smile forming when he saw her.

"Morning sunshine," he greeted her happily. Every feeling she had for him came back like a tidal wave.

"I just..." Darcy said slowly, taking small steps towards the couch. "Just for five minutes, I need you to shut up. Just... Be silent."

Jon looked over the couch at her, his eyes following her as she moved around the couch. He was doing as he had been told even though he was dying to ask her why he needed to be silent. He was dying to ask her why she looked so scared.

He expected her to sit down beside him so he was startled when she sat down on his lap, her legs bent and her knees pressing into the side of his ribcage. Jon looked down at Darcy as her head came to rest on his chest. The way her arms desperately wrapped around his waist caused his heart to constrict in a way it never had before.

After a slight moment of hesitation where he just stared down at her, Jon wrapped an arm around her back, his hand gripping at her hip and let the other one glide of her tattoo and stop when his hand was touching just underneath her ass, his fingers running lightly over the edge of her underwear.

Jon dropped a kissed onto the top of her head and tightened his hold.

Darcy didn't care about the hair on his chest or the way his fingers tickled when they moved over her underwear. She liked that he hadn't put on any cologne that morning. She liked that he hadn't waxed his chest in months. She liked that he had kissed the top of her head. She liked that he was holding her.

"Has it been five minutes yet?" Jon asked lowly, his fingers stopping just under her underwear.

"Oh," Darcy sighed, sitting up a little straighter, readying herself to pull away from the warmth being provided.

"No," Jon protested, pulling her back to him. She curled back up instantly. "Can I talk now?"

Darcy answered in an uncharacteristically quiet voice, "Sure."

"What is this?" he asked in a just as quiet voice. Darcy didn't say anything. She didn't have an answer for him. If she did it would have been as simple as she wanted to feel him, but that's not what he was asking. "What do you want, Darcy?"

A more loaded question. What did she want in that moment? For him to be quiet. What did she want in the future? To be held like that whenever. What did she want from him? A relationship?

She opted for none of the above.

"How many women did you sleep with?"

"Darcy..." Jon groaned, moving the hand from her leg to wipe it exasperatedly over his face.

"Don't pretend you didn't. How many?" she persisted, her breathe on his chest causing goose bumps to break out over his skin.

"I don't know. I didn't count."

He could have counted. It wouldn't have been hard. He might have needed more than two hands, but he could have counted. He had never planned on telling Darcy. She was never supposed to know. He should have realised how well she knew him.

"Why didn't you come back?"

"I was working, Darc."

"You had time off. Colby came back. Joe came back. You didn't come back."

"I don't know why I didn't," he told her honestly, moving his hand back to her leg. Darcy flinched when he rested it back on her thigh and she decided to stand up, stepping away from him.

"Saraya told me that what I'm feeling right now is because of a broken heart." The admission shocked Jon just as much as it did Darcy. She hadn't planned on saying it out loud and it was the last thing he had expected to hear from her. "I just feel pathetic, to be honest. I guess this is what I get for believing in someone, right? I've never believed in anyone before. When you believe in people it gives them the ability to let you down, to break your heart apparently. But I believed in you because you believed in me in a way that no one else ever has."

"Ashley believes in you, Matt believes in you. Darcy, people believe in you."

"No they don't," Darcy disagreed quietly. "Ashley believes in me as much as she believes in herself. We're expendable. Divas in developmental have a life expectancy and if you spend too long down there you're never getting called up. Matt... He believes the same thing. I'm not good enough for this; I'm not good enough for anything."

"You're still here, Darcy-" Jon tried to speak, reaching his hand out, only to have Darcy look at him with sad eyes and step backwards.

"That's the thing, isn't it?" she asked rhetorically, her clenched fists hanging by her side. "You believe in me. At least you did. You and Austin are the only people who have ever believed in me. But he's running the independents. I haven't seen him in over a year. So you are all I have.

"Did you know that I don't cry unless I'm scared for my life? I didn't, anyway, until these past couple of weeks. And then you broke my heart and I think I've cried every single day. Every day for two weeks," Darcy was trying her hardest not to cry again. She was working herself up; just thinking about those weeks was enough to upset her. Talking to him about it only made it worse. "When I told you it wasn't a 'you broke my heart' thing? I lied. It was. It was a 'clearly you don't respect me' thing and a 'broke you my heart' thing and I hate myself for it."

She stopped speaking, sucking in a deep breath and furiously blinking back any tears that might have been about to fall. As she wrapped her arms around her waist she looked to Jon's face for the first time since she woke up. He was staring at her, mouth hanging open slightly as he tried to figure out what to say.

"Darcy..." Just the way he said her name was almost enough to send her back into his arms. Honestly, he said, "I don't know what to say."

"Anything. After everything that I just told you..." She took another deep breath and shut her eyes tightly. "There has to be something you want to say."

He was silent for what felt like hours, thinking about what he could say. Darcy could see the cogs ticking over in his brain, his eyes flicking from side to side as he thought hard. She wondered why he had to think so hard.

"Move back in with me."

She had opened her eyes as soon as he started to speak and was ready to move towards him but the end of his sentence left her frozen in the centre of the room.

"What?" she spat maliciously. Despite herself, she laughed loudly, menacingly. "That's all you've fucking got? Go. Fucking. Die."

She shook out all of her anger, turning around and walking towards the front door. Jon stood up instantly, well aware of where she was going.

"You're not going to work."

"Why the fuck not?" She asked him without turning around. She threw the door open heavily, letting it slam into the wall. "I have a session today."

"I called in for you," he stated like it was the only possible explanation. Before she could walk too far away, he grabbed her wrist. When she tried to violently pull away, he tightened his grip. "You were pretty wrecked last night."

"I'm not not going to work because of a hangover. Now let me the fuck go."

He repeated his earlier statement, "Move back in with me."

"No!" She yelled at him, yanking her arm back successfully and walking hastily to the sidewalk. "After everything I fucking told you, that's all you have to say? Why would I do that?" She asked him loudly. "Besides, I got my own fucking house."

Darcy was in the middle of practicing chain wrestling when Jon stormed into the training centre. The loud noise had caused the blonde to look over her shoulder but the sight of Jon caused her to look back the moment his presence had registered in her brain.

Subconsciously, her side headlock hold on Summer tightened. Summer, in response, slapped her on the back roughly and pushed her more forcefully than necessary towards the ropes.

1, 2, 3 – pivot, lean, bounce.

Darcy ran back at Summer, looking for a shoulder block, only to have Summer leap frog over her. She ran towards the ropes on the other side of the ring.

1, 2, 3 – pivot, lean, bounce.

When the Divas met again in the middle of the ring, Summer managed an arm drag, sending Darcy flying, Darcy was glad that she wasn't feeling any pain in her shoulder. The proper theatrics were added on Darcy's part, clutching at her back and arching it in an attempt to 'relieve the pain'.

"That was very well done, girls. Darcy, you're getting better every day." Sara's comments went over Darcy's head as she stood up and discretely looked back in Jon's direction. He had climbed onto the apron and was watching intently.

"Go. Away." She ordered lowly, not wanting to attract attention to the situation. Though, he had managed that himself by being a large man standing on the apron of a Divas training session.

"Not until you talk to me."

"I've done enough talking," she growled at him, "and I'm not sure you have anything important to say."

Darcy turned around to face Summer and Sara, ready to start their next chain, only to have both women step backwards and cock their heads slightly.

There was no time for her to ask what was happening because she was being turned around by a large hand on her shoulder. Just as she was about to tell Jon to leave, he had put his lips to hers.

It wasn't just his lips in that kiss. He was holding her by the waist, lifting her to the tips of her toes, so that he could kiss her properly. Her hands were locked against his chest. She thought about fighting it, about pulling away and yelling at him for being insensitive. It was impossible to do so.

Everything about him made her melt. The size of his hands against her waist and her rib cage. The way he barely had to try to keep her on her toes. The way he moved his hands to her cheeks, holding her up that way.

Her heart was racing. She had stopped breathing. Her body had pressed itself up against his, dying to get closer to him. She had gripped the front of his shirt tightly in her fists, not wanting to let him get away.

They were stopped, though, when Sara cleared her throat behind them.

The absence of hands on her cheeks was felt instantaneously. The way she slowly released his shirt made it all the more evident that she didn't want to let go at all. When they were finally apart from each other, nothing at all touching, Jon looked back down at her. He was ready to say something and Darcy was more than ready to hear it.

"Move back in with me."

That wasn't what she wanted. She pulled her arm back and quickly, harshly, loudly, slapped him across the cheek.

"Fucking cunt." She fumed, turning her back on him with such disgust and anger that he didn't even bother trying to get her attention again.

The training session continued with Darcy acting like nothing at all had passed. It made her movements harsher, even more brutal than usual; it was easy to tell just by watching that she was in a different headspace.