Sharon watched Provenza leave the room and lost track of the amount of time she sat absentmindedly running circles on Andy's hand. When she snapped out of her dazed state, she turned to him, sighing as she saw no change. She didn't know why she expected to look over and for him to magically awaken, but she just did. Instead, she gave him a small frown and dropped her shoulders in defeat. She cleared her voice, again, mainly out of habit. She didn't know what to say. Talking to Andy when he couldn't respond seemed silly, but she had to admit Provenza had a point.
"Andy," she said, again, almost surprised when he didn't reply. "Andy, I don't know where to start. I miss you," she said sadly. "Come back, please? I need my best friend. I talk through everything with you," she explained, as if pleading would force him to open his eyes. She bit her lip as she tried to think of what to say next, "This seems silly. Why am I nervous to talk to you? For one, you aren't even responding, so I should be able to say whatever I want. Another I talk to you all the time, even well into most nights when we talk on the phone before we go to sleep. We used to be so good at yelling at each other, fighting over cases. I wasn't nervous to take you on then, but this terrifies me," she said with a shaky breath. "I guess I finally see what I could lose-you."
Sharon looked at him, watching his breathing continue. She ran one hand through his hair, a move she'd seen him do with his own hand hundreds and hundreds of time. His silky hair felt good in her hand, but it didn't awaken him. She ran her hand down his cheek, finally resting it on his chest, and there, she felt his breathing, up and down, up and down. Her other hand remained clasped in his still cold hand.
"You know," she cleared her voice again, "we are going to miss that hockey game you were desperate for Rusty to see. Remember that? We were watching the late-night news the other evening at the condo after we'd finished that movie. You were just about to go home when Rusty came in, and he started telling us all about his night. We all were just chatting when the news showed that hockey game where the goalie was injured badly. Remember that Rusty made the comment he'd never seen a hockey game? You bought tickets the next day, promising we'd all go this coming weekend," she sighed. "You need to wake up. I know we can't all go to this game, but you need to wake up so we can take him to a game another time. He's still going to go. I told him you'd want that, and he's taking Julio and Buzz with him now. They promised to teach him all about hockey, but even Rusty said that he figured you would be able to teach him about yelling at the players. He said he could see you as an avid fan, so Andy, wake up. We need to take him to a game. It won't be the same for him to go with Buzz and Julio, although, I'm really glad they are watching out for him right now with all this." Sharon was quiet again, still running circles with her finger on Andy's hand. She looked to him again, hoping to see a change. Nothing.
"Andy, there are still so many thing I want to say to you, things I want to do with you. We have a lot to talk about, a lot to figure out. I need you to wake up," she tried again. "You know, I went home a little earlier to shower and change. When I was there, trying to find something to wear, it occurred to me that I've been dressing a lot more for work thinking about you. I've been dressing each morning, asking myself if you'd like my outfit. Silly, I know," she shook her head with a small smile, "but the voice in my head seems to ask that every day. Then, that same voice always says of course you'll probably like anything I wear. I've noticed. I've noticed the way you look at me, and to be honest, I've been noticing you too. I remember that odd conversation we had at Nicole's wedding, the one about suspenders. Remember that? Somehow, we got to talking about that because you asked my opinion on the three-piece suit look versus suspenders. I can't even remember how we started on that. Oh, now I remember, that one uncle of Dean's had on those funny suspenders, and you asked my opinion. I remember saying that his were a bit odd-the pattern was strange, but that I really liked suspenders. I definitely noticed that not long after that, you started wearing them more and more often. You'd worn them on rare occasions before, but after that, well," she smiled at the memory, "I can't look at suspenders now without thinking of you," she gripped his hand tighter.
"Nicole's been calling me," she said after a few moments of silence. "She's really worried about you, and she hates she can't get back here any sooner. Both your kids have called. "Andy, they love you. I know you are worried you've messed up things with them for good, but you haven't. They love you so much and are great kids. Gosh, I remember when they were barely speaking to you. You've done so much to repair things with them. I'm so proud of the man you are, Andy. I love the man you are, and I am kicking myself that I haven't told you sooner. I guess I need to follow my own advice. Andy, I love you, and I am sure you love me too. Why else would you spend so much time with me? I've got nothing to offer, yet you keep coming back. I'm sorry I've been so distant, such a mess. I should have initiated a discussion about all this long ago. You've been there for me for so long. It truly isn't you; it has been me. I'm a mess, but I'm aware of it now and working on it. Looking at it, you took the same approach with me you have used with the kids. You were worried you would mess things up with me, like you believe you messed up with them. I think the only thing we've messed up is not dealing with this sooner. Andy, nothing is messed up. The kids love you, and so do I. No wonder everyone around us has been trying to figure us out; we couldn't even do that ourselves," she sighed.
Sharon looked around the room. It was sterile and lifeless, except it held the life of the man she now knew, without a doubt, she loved dearly. She stood and let go of his hand, but only for a brief moment, to get another tissue, and then she sat and took it in her hand again, resting her elbows on the side of his bed. She sat there, his hand clasped now between hers, looking at him.
"So, maybe I should tell you about some of the times I found you most attractive. I need to be more open, more expressive with you, so I guess I should start there because Andy, I'm so attracted to you. How could I not be? You're handsome, kind, charming. You're funny, and you are so caring and considerate. One of the first times I really noticed you might surprise you. It was way back when, well before I was even in charge of Major Crimes. You scared me to death when you were stabbed. I hated the way that case started, with me having to investigate things, but all I wanted to do was to sit down and see if you were okay there at the hospital. How ironic-it was another hospital visit. I don't know what it was, but something stuck with me. Then, you were so passionate about the case, and you were back at work even after being attacked. I respected that, and truth be told, I found it very attractive," she gave a small smile and sighed.
She let out a small chuckle shortly thereafter, "I found you absolutely adorable and completely infuriating at the same time, when you asked me to the Nutcracker. Oh, really, I should say when Nicole asked me to the Nutcracker, you remember, as part of 'going as a family'-how could you forget, right? And, let me clarify, that would have been the second time you asked me to that," she smiled at the memory. "Nicole, honestly, Andy! Here, she had to ask in front of the whole team, Andy! You irritated me to no end at that moment, and at the same time, I wanted to turn and smile at you, telling you I'd love to go. Obviously, I went with the 'tough love' approach-no pun intended there on the words. I didn't know yet I loved you, but you irritated me to no end putting me on the spot like that. Then, I knew you wanted to explain it to me, again with the team right there, and I didn't know whether to scream at you what an idiot you were or scream from the rooftops that there was no place I'd rather be than with you and your family. Andy, I couldn't put a name to it then, but I now know I was utterly in love with you. I mean, I didn't keep you in misery long, and in fact, designed a dinner party before the ballet to spend more time with you. Oh, you were so handsome that night. I should have told you, but I was so stuck in my head, thinking you were simply my best friend, as if a best friend and the person you love can't be one in the same. You had no problem telling me how much you liked my dress, my hair, and then spent the rest of the night apologizing for Nicole and Rusty's comments. I chickened out, not telling you how nicely you looked. I told myself that holding your hand during the ballet was enough, that letting your hand linger on my back was just a friendly gesture, but Andy," she shook her head, "I'm sorry. You've probably been in misery for years now, living in that friend zone limbo, wondering if I ever felt the same way. Oh, Andy, I did. I love you; I've loved you, and yet, I don't want you to think I've been trying to torture you; I haven't. I'm just really realizing it myself, but I have no doubt my feelings. They are there, have been for years, and are not going to change. You aren't getting rid of me, buster," she said firmly.
Sharon stood and started pacing the room. She needed a moment; all of this-Andy in this state, figuring out her own feelings finally-it was a lot. She continued to pace the room and her eyes landed on her purse. She went to it, pulling out what she'd brought from home, "I don't know how I forgot this. You need this here with you right now, Andy."