Sooooo I'm sorry it took so long, I really wanted to update earlier, but I haven't been home at all these past few days. In the meantime, I gathered some ideas and then I wrote this all in a few hours. In fact I had said I really wanted to publish this chapter before the season (please let it be just "season") finale. I feel a little silly posting this now, as the episode is just less than one hour away, but it's better this way. Otherwise I would have never done it.
I'm not that satisfied with it, because I wrote it in a hurry and I think it shows (so maybe I'll edit it just a bit in the next few days, I'm sure there are a lot of mistakes), but what's done is done. I wanted this to be the last chapter, but I guess I might write another one just to make myself more satisfied with the whole thing.
Also thanks again for the reviews! I'm sorry to answer to one in particular that I'll probably won't write any M rated chapter. I know, I feel you, I love this stuff too. I just... simply cannot write that! ^^ But who knows, maybe in the future.
So yea, here's this rushed chapter, just nonsense 45 minutes before the real finale blows everyone's minds. Cheers!
V.
There are only a few things in Nick's life that ended just the way he wanted. As a teenager, he managed to finish his guitar classes just the way he wanted, being able to play some of his favorite songs. In college, he ended his studies just the way he wanted, proud of what he had accomplished with the bar exam, and eager to move to the next challenge in life. In 2014, he managed to finish a videogame in less than 24 hours, he felt like he was being very productive.
But there are other things, many other things, that did not end just the way he wanted. He does not like the way he ended the high school years, because he lost contact with most of his friends. He does not like how he could not bake a cake properly the first time he tried as a child. And he does not like the way his book ends.
Yes, he likes his book very much, and he would never admit there is something about it that leaves him frustrated, but there is. And he noticed only a few days ago.
He is pondering about his overall frustration about it, as he absent-mindedly walks through the aisles of the supermarket, looking for something to soothe his pain. He has just woken up after four hours of sleep, and he is still hungover after last night, but this has never stopped him from looking for more alcohol. Through the lenses of his sunglasses, he spots a few six-packs of his favorite beer on one of the shelves, and proceeds to grab them. He does not feel very much as an adult when he has only beers in his cart and very few things to eat in the fridge, but this is not the time to care.
He is approaching the checkout queue when he recognizes her, Jessica Day, waiting in line herself. She is wearing a random t-shirt he has never seen, and he wonders if she also couldn't care less about how she looked like when she woke up this morning. If she was feeling just as sad as him. He doesn't know what to say to her, so he simply keeps his mouth shut. Running away from Jess seems like the easiest thing to do, as Mrs. Confidence is not available at the moment.
He notices she is buying a lot of ice cream, which makes him feel okay for buying only beer. He also notices she is getting impatient, as there are a lot of people waiting in line. She taps her feet on the floor as she turns around a little, taking a look at the supermarket walls as if they were the most interesting thing at the moment. Then her heads abruptly stops, as she is facing him, and he realizes she has probably seen him. She is wearing sunglasses as well, so he is really not that sure, and all he can think about is that they both look totally ridiculous.
Nick would like to smile at her, show her all his teeth, but he doesn't. He keeps his mouth shut instead, and attempts a very faint smile. She doesn't. "Hey," is all she says to him, and he is really having a hard time trying to understand if she is mad, sad, or just plain indifferent.
Suddenly, they hear some noise coming from one of the aisles. It seems like someone managed to make a good amount of canned beans fall on top of his head, and got hurt in the process. They look at the clumsy man, who is now being helped by a stock clerk, before looking at each other and laughing.
"I guess it is time to go take a bath!"
They both exclaim the line at the same time, and then laugh again. It is just amazing how they always know what the other is thinking, and what they are both thinking about right now is the "supermarket scene" in The Pepperwood's Chronicles.
He loves that she gets the references to the book like no one else. He loves how she knows gets him like no one else.
He waits there, for her to say something else and break the ice. But then she just stops laughing, turns around again, and goes back to waiting.
They (still) live together, so they have to endure the awkwardness of the way home together. She is walking the entire time a step ahead of him, avoiding him. What she really cannot avoid, however, is being next to him when he gets into the elevator after her. She regrets not taking the stairs.
They are both still wearing their sunglasses, masking their circled eyes and their true feelings at the same time.
He is looking at her out of the corner of his eye, and his whole body is itching. He wants to be next to her. He already is, sure, but he wants to be closer, touch her. He wants to stop the elevator and make out with her, make love to her. Leave the ice cream melt on the floor until they are done. But she was pretty clear, she doesn't want this. She loves him, but so did she three years ago. She wants to move on, and maybe it's for the best. So he just waits for the doors to open, and then they both exit.
His mind goes back to the end of his book, to the "elevator scene", where his main character gives up on his job as detective forever.
She is taking a stroll in the park on the next day, the day she is leaving the loft forever. She has everything set and only has to wait for the moving company to pick up her stuff and move it to the new apartment, the one she managed to get so fast thanks to one of Cece's powerful friends.
She is lying on the grass when he calls her, and she is panicking again. Can't she just get a break from this?
She rejects the call, and a few seconds he is calling her again. Annoyed, she picks up.
"Yes?"
"Hey, Jess, sorry to bother you but I need to talk to you." He is walking around his room, excited.
"Look, Nick, later. I have stuff to do right now." She doesn't.
"Hold on hold on hold on. Don't hang up please. I need to tell you something."
She sighs a little and stays silent, waiting for him to go on.
"Are you still there?"
"Yes, tell me."
And so he tells her how he got an interview with a publisher later in the day, someone who is actually interested in his book, someone who believes in Pepperwood. He is freaking out but he is super happy at the same time, and he cannot think of anybody else to share this moment with.
Her initial frustration gives way to joy, she would never not be happy for him. And then he is asking her: "Would you come with me?"
She hesitates, she wonders if this is the right thing to do for her. She wonders if doing this for him and spending time with him like this will not make her hope again for something she cannot and should not have.
"Jess?"
"I'm sorry, Nick. The moving company is coming in the afternoon, I cannot make it." She hates herself as she says it, and he hates himself for not trying harder. His heart is breaking, again. Even though it seems it's not possible anymore, she keeps breaking it.
"Just… don't leave." His voice is lacking strength, lacking confidence.
"Why?" she asks him, and he can hear the sounds of his guts twisting inside of him. And he doesn't know the answer, because really, why should she stay? Because he has so much to offer? Because he can make her happy? Because he loves her?
"I don't know, just don't." He is leaning his head against the door of his room now, his eyes closed. But what he is saying is not enough, and they both know that.
"Um, look. I gotta go," she says, and he is absolutely sure that this is it, that she will be gone forever once he is done with the interview, and that's the way this whole story, their story, will end. Not exactly the way he wanted.
But Jessica Day has a big heart, and that heart does not totally belong to her. So there she is, a couple of hours later, at the place of the meeting. She sees him walking back and forth near the building where the publisher is waiting for him. She walks up to him, and when he sees her, his face lights up.
"Ready?" she asks him.
Her smile is bright and he thinks she must have had some sort of epiphany, that she must have somehow changed her mind. She is so cheerful, she has probably decided to stay. And for a moment, he is sure his heart stops working.
They walk closer to the door next to each other then, but Nick really is not ready for this. He is pretty sure his liver has somehow made its way into his throat, and his stomach is probably disintegrating or something.
Jess can see he is nervous now, that he is sweating, that he is second guessing himself like he always does. She wonders then if she should just hold his hand and tell him that nothing will go wrong, that his book is amazing, but he does it first. His fingers brush a little on the back of hers at first, until he moves them around to take her right hand in his left one. He squeezes tight.
She tilts her head to look at him, and he is looking at her too, forcing a smile.
"You can do it," she says smiling. "It's gonna be awesome."
"Yea, I can do this. Yea. I can. I can." She can feel his hand sweat in hers. Suddenly, she lets go of it and moves in front of him, putting her hands on his shoulders. He has his eyes closed now, taking deep breaths, one after the other.
"Seriously, Nick. You have nothing to worry about, you're great! I believe in you."
He opens his eyes again to look at her. She is just as sweet as usual, as amazing as usual. So he nods nervously, counts to five, and walks past her and into the building.
She looks at him as he gets in, and she is so proud of him. And she knows he is not hers, that she should not feel like this, but for a few seconds she likes to think that he is. That they have this connection, that they both feel it, that she can give him strength.
She is about to turn around when he comes back in a rush. He forcefully takes her head between his hands and she has a tiny heart attack because well, what is happening? But it is not frightening, it is not alarming, it feels just right. His lips land on her forehead, lingering there for one or two seconds. He then pulls away, smiling at her. And he is saying it with his eyes, before he leaves again.
Thank you.
He is sitting in this very cool room. Walls white, furniture minimalist. The sunlight is shining through the wide windows, which are giving him a great view. He feels comfortable now, after a good thirty minutes, he knows everything is going well. He feels confident.
Until he doesn't.
Looking out the window, he sees Jess getting into her car. He thinks that maybe she wants to sit down, that she will wait there until the interview. But then the car starts moving, his jaw drops, and his brain starts fuming. He swallows in shock. He realizes now she had never changed her mind, that she was never going to wait for him, that she was going to leave him anyway.
"And what can you tell me about the ending?"
"Uh?" He is brought back to the interview by the question, but he really is not there anymore. His brain has evaporated.
"The ending, do you think it's fine? I mean don't get me wrong, I like it, but there was something missing there."
Nick looks at the publisher, and he is lost for a few seconds. He shifts in his seat a little, trying to gain some time to recover from the previous shock and start functioning again.
"Uh, yea. I know what you mean, but it's just… you know, Pepperwood is this very insecure man after all. He is very good at what he does, but he uh…" he can't find the words. What would Jess say? "…He risks everything, and he gets what he wants, but he is so human and… he just doesn't think being a detective is what is right for him. You know, after the airport accident…"
"Yes, I know. That was so great as well. I loved it, and you can see just how vulnerable this character can be."
"Exactly." Nick nods at the publisher's words, trying to look like he knows what he is talking about, when in reality he would just like to jump out the window and die.
"But you know, don't you think maybe a positive ending would be more appropriate? This book is for young people after all. We should give them more hope maybe, teach them that doubting oneself is not the way to go. You know, that shit like, 'follow your dreams!'"
"Yea, totally," he says nonchalantly, but he really is in pain. What are they really talking about? Where is Jess? What is he doing? What is What is Pepperwood doing at the end of the book?
He suddenly knows the publisher is right, that is not how the story should end. He stands up, while the publisher gives him a puzzled look.
"Look, I'm sorry. I have something to do like... Right. Now."
"What?"
"You're right! Pepperwood is stupid at the end, he is great at investigating, his clients are happy with him. He is good at it, he really is good enough!"
He is staring at the distance, breathing heavily, his hands on his hips.
"What the hell is happening?"
"Nothing, man. Look, please, I have to go now, I have to fix something, I have to fix Pepperwood's ending!"
And with that, he just leaves the office, running.
Out of breath, he gets in his car and starts dialing Jess' number, hoping she will pick up. She doesn't. He starts the car, and even though he shouldn't while driving, he tries four times more. He then hears her voice, finally.
"Hello?"
"Jess!" he almost screams her name, but he is not really in control of his emotions right now.
"Listen," he says, "should he go back to work?"
"What?" she is in Nick's room, saying goodbye to it, and she can't believe what she's hearing.
"Pepperwood! Should he go back to work?"
And suddenly she knows what he is talking about. She laughs at the reference, especially because he sounds so damn serious right now.
"So?"
"Sorry, Nick. This is just too funny."
"Just answer, Jess!"
"Yes! He should go back to work, if that's what he wanted to do all along. That ending is kinda heartbreaking." And it is, because in the book Pepperwood never comes back to his office, leaving there all his belongings, all his memories. He goes back to the building of his working place, stares at the elevator for a few minutes, then gives up on his one true love forever.
Nick waits a few seconds before speaking again. "I know why you shouldn't leave," he says then, and her heart sinks. "Because you make me feel like that, like Pepperwood on his missions. You are the only one that makes me feel something, and the only person I would risk everything for."
She is pretty sure she needs an oxygen mask right now. Like, what? What is he saying? Is he serious? Is he drunk?
"Jess? Did you get it? Don't leave."
"Yes." She pronounces the word so lightly that she is not sure if he can hear it. But he can, because that is all his ears were waiting to hear.
Without saying another word, and trying not to get himself killed on the streets while talking on the phone, he hangs up.
When Nick was eleven years old, he decided he would never run in his life. Not on purpose at least. He would go to school and feel like dying during the PE class. There was something in running in circles that made him extremely uncomfortable. His limbs would get hot, his breath short, and all for what? Just running in circles, again and again, because the teacher said to. So he simply avoided doing it his entire life, using the activity to just ease the tension every time he would freak out about something. The pain would help him focus on his body and not on his thoughts, in a weird attempt to feel one type of pain in order to erase the other.
Now, as he gets inside the building, he knows this run is different. He is not running in circles like when he was eleven, he is trying to get somewhere. He is trying to get past his fears. He is trying to get to her.
She sees his car from the window of her now empty room and starts rushing out of the apartment. The elevator seems to be busy, so she figures it's just easy to take the stairs. And it feels like the steps leading her to him are just too many, it feels like it's been too much. Like it's been too long.
What she doesn't know is, she is not running towards him. In fact, he is now upstairs, opening the loft door.
"Jess?! Where are you?!"
He looks for her in every room, clearly in vain. He then gets to her room and looks out the window, and he sees the moving truck. What the…?
He goes back downstairs, jumps over a few things, including a dog. And he is like, okay, he can really be athletic when motivated. But he realizes his efforts were useless when he sees she is not where she was standing a couple of minutes ago. He is about to get his phone from his pocket when he sees she is already calling him.
"Jess? Where the hell are you?"
"Me? Where the hell are you!"
"I'm downstairs!"
"I'm upstairs! Okay. Stay there."
The phone goes mute, leaving him with a puzzled look and his turtle face. So he starts running back again and into the building, getting to the elevator, which is busy again.
And then the doors open, and she is there, all giddy and smiley. And he feels dizzy, he has to gasp for air. Because even though he tried to prepare for this moment in the past thirty minutes, she still takes his breath away.
"Hey, Miller."
"Hey."
Jess sees the way he is looking at her, and there is no doubt in her mind anymore. He really is back, he really is there for her, as she is for him.
And then he slowly walks into the elevator, letting the doors close behind him. They stare at each other for a few moments, and they both can't stop smiling from ear to ear. He then takes one step, then two, until she is standing just a few inches away from him. Both his hands rise to hold her face, and he looks at her lips.
She is expecting his lips on her any moment now, but he surprises her by directing them to her nose first. Then to her cheek, to her neck, to her chin, her other cheek. He gets more and more impatient for her lips in the process, but he simply wants to savor the moment just as much as he can.
Her hands go to his hips, tugging a little at his jacket, trying to get closer.
They stop breathing for a second or two, and they have no idea when they start doing it again. Their lips press together after what feels like a lifetime, and they both are so dizzy they could just collapse on each other. Their tongues meet again, and it seems impossible, but they have never been so right for each other. Their bodies are on fire, and at the same time they are like air. They cannot feel anything but they feel everything at the same time. It makes sense and it doesn't. Their mind is there and it isn't.
He slows the kiss a bit, then gradually leaves her mouth by placing small and pure kisses on her lips again. They both open their eyes, realizing the elevator has not moved since he stepped in.
"Maybe we should go upstairs," she says, smiling. She cannot believe this is happening.
He pushes the button to get back to their floor, to their loft, and he goes back to her to kiss her again. It is more urgent this time, it is more desperate, as they both realize just how much time they have waited for it. When they finally get to their floor, he picks her up, as she readily wraps her legs around him.
She breaks away from the kiss and starts hugging him while he carries her back to the loft. She is pulling his hair a little and breathing into his neck, feeling his breath on hers.
"Just so we're clear, I love you too," he speaks the words right into her ear. And the way he says this is just so grumpy, so him. As if it were obvious, as if it should have been clear to her the whole time. As if he cannot really understand why all of this has not happened sooner.
"I know."
And there are only a few things in Nick's life that ended the way he wanted. But as he kisses her, as he undresses her, and as he swallows her gasps… he just knows. Unlike Pepperwood in front of the elevator, this time he got it just right.