Hurting - part 3
Again- sorry for the wait in between updates- I've been really busy. Thank you all for your patience and support for this fic :)
' How is Amelia?' April asked Owen when he approached her at the nurses counter.
' She just cried herself to sleep.' Owen replied, shaking his head with a sad expression on his face. He kept his voice low so that none of the nurses could evesdrop on the conversation. Fortunately for them, all the nurses were busy with patients.' She seems frightened and in shock. I want to be joyful with this news, but I can't with her reacting this way.'
' Do you have any idea why is she reacting this way?' April asked empathetically. She knew that Owen had always wanted kids and that he was devastated when Cristina aborted his baby. She knew that he would be a great father and it broke her heart too to see him look so upset.
' I have no idea,' Owen replied, burying his head in his hands, and letting out an exasperated sigh. ' Just a couple of weeks ago we were talking about not waiting to start a family. And then a few days ago she just yelled at my face saying that she doesn't want a baby. Obviously something has happened in between to cause her change her mind about this.'
' Have you talked to her?' April suggested helpfully. ' I'm sure she has a valid reason to feel this way.'
' I want to talk to her- but she just shuts me out.' said Owen, as he lifted his head up to look at April. His blue eyes were dulled, mirroring his pain. ' I tried asking her again just now- but she was too overwhelmed to talk about it.'
' Maybe you can talk to her when she has recovered from this initial shock.' April suggested. ' You know- finding out that you're pregnant when you're not mentally ready to embark on a pregnancy can be real shocking news- I can testify to that.'
' Alright, I'll wait. I just want her to open up to me and tell me exactly what's wrong.' said Owen. 'She avoiding me like this is killing me. I don't know where I went wrong. Am I wrong in forcing her to start a family with me when she doesn't want to? Why doesn't any woman want to have my babies?'
April cleared her throat, wondering how to get her point across to her forlorn looking colleague in front of her. She really felt for him, and she also wished he would have the happiness and the family he longed for.
' Maybe she has something about her past which is causing her to feel this way' she said softly and cautiously. ' Has she ever mentioned anything to you about her past?'
' Well- shortly before we decided not to wait for babies- she did mention about Ryan- her then fiance who died beside her due to a drug overdose.' Owen recall, frowning. 'That was the only time she had opened up to me about her past.'
' I…ehm…. I hope I'm not prying, but I remember Amelia looking so nervous in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago when she told me that she might be pregnant. She said she hadn't taken the test yet and I told her to at least tell you and that you'd be excited. Then she said she didn't have to do this last time. When I asked her what did she mean by 'last time' she said the last time she was pregnant, she didn't have to tell the father- as he was dead. Maybe being pregnant again would bring back all these past memories to her? You should really talk to her Owen. See things from her point of view, try to understand where she's coming from.' April suggested.
Owen furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. 'What do you mean the last time she was pregnant?'
April cocked her head to stare at Owen. ' You didn't know?'
Owen suddenly had a moment of epiphany. He recalled the time when he and Amelia were in the hospital chapel lighting a candle for Samuel shortly after his death. They were merely colleagues back then and didn't know each other well enough yet. And yet she chose to confide in him that moment. He remembered her saying something along the lines of ' My baby lived for 43 minutes.'. He didn't pry further back then as he wasn't close to her then. But he did hold her hand to offer her some comfort back then. It was a special moment for them, a moment of intimacy.
However, after that moment- they both returned to their busy lives at work and she never mentioned about her baby to him anymore. When they eventually became a couple and got married, the conversation about her baby was never revisited. Amelia never talked about her baby to him, and he never asked. It was as if she had buried that part of her in the past and wanted to forget it.
Because Amelia never talked about her baby, Owen assumed that it was not such a big part of her and she was ready to move on.
But now that April had brought the topic up, it all suddenly made sense to him. Connecting the dots together from the bits of info he and April obtained- he deduced that Ryan was the baby's father, and he died without knowing that Amelia was pregnant with his baby. And the baby eventually died too. He didn't know what condition the baby died of though. No wonder Amelia was so reluctant to have a baby, she was too scarred by her past which she kept buried deep inside. He would need to have a heart to heart talk to her when she felt better.
' I need to talk to her.' Owen admitted. 'You're right- maybe there's something from her past which she's hiding from me and afraid to talk to me about.'
April patted Owen on the shoulder and smiled. ' You've got this, Owen', she said in encouragement. ' I've gotta go attend to the incoming patients. You stay with Amelia. By the way- I've booked a room in the Obstetrics floor- and Arizona would be going there to check on her in a while.
' Ok- thanks April.' Owen replied, feeling grateful for his fellow trauma attending.
There was a tense atmosphere in the room Amelia had just been transferred into. Amelia's blood results had just returned and her haemoglobin levels were on the low side which was to be expected during pregnancy. Otherwise, her other results turned out normal. Owen was rehearsing in his mind how exactly to ask Amelia about the baby which she had lost previously. What would be the best way to start the conversation? How could he get her to open up to him about her past without scaring her away?
Meanwhile, Amelia was also rehearsing in her mind how to tell Owen about her unicorn baby. Her cramps have subsided and she knew that it was time for Owen to hear the truth about why she was afraid of having another baby. He had been nothing but sweet, gentle and caring towards her- all he asked of her was to start a family with him, a family he wanted so badly. He deserved to know the whole truth- she needed to start opening up to him about her past instead of running away and hiding her past from him. She was just afraid that once she told him about her baby, he would blame her for giving birth to an anencephalic baby and he wouldn't want to have children with her. Worse still, he would leave her. In hindsight, she knew this was an irrational thought, but lately, the demons of her past were slowly coming back to haunt her and telling her to run like she normally did.
She looked up at Owen, who was sitting by her bedside, his forehead creased with frown lines. He looked so worn out and forlorn, and his eyes were void of their usual sparkle. She knew that she was the one who did that to him, and it made her feel so guilty.
' Owen' she said softly. ' Remember the time at the chapel?'
Owen nodded his head, silently urging her to continue.
' When I told you that my baby lived for 43 minutes- I didn't tell you what happened to him exactly- what he died of.'
' Well- what happened to him?' Owen was curious to know.
Just then, Arizona entered the room.
' Hey guys' she greeted the couple in her usual cheerful manner. ' Looks like congratulations are in order.' she smiled warmly at them.
Her smile faded when she noticed the tense atmosphere between the couple. She had a feeling that she was interrupting an important conversation between them.
' I'm sorry.' she apologized. ' I can come back later if you want.'
' No- it's ok.' said Amelia quickly. ' You aren't interrupting anything.'
Arizona stole a quick glance at Owen, who remained silent.
' Ok- so Amelia I'll need to book you for an antenatal appointment and perform the usual antenatal checkup.' she said.
The couple nodded wordlessly.
' So how are your cramps now?' Arizona asked.
' They've subsided. And I'm not having any nausea or vomiting any longer. But I still feel weak though.' Amelia replied.
' It's normal to feel cramps when you're dehydrated. Arizona explained. ' You were probably dehydrated due to excessive vomiting.'
Amelia nodded. ' Yes, I have been vomiting every morning for the past couple of days.'
' Well- you can try salty crackers.' Arizona suggested.
' But they don't taste as good as yogurt' Amelia joked meekly, causing Arizona to laugh.
' Ok- let's get to business.' said Arizona as she looked through April's clerking.
' So it says here your Last Menstrual Period was on the 13th January, and the scan done in the ER showed that you're 7 weeks along.' Arizona confirmed, as Amelia nodded.
' Is this your first pregnancy?' Arizona asked, as Owen's eyes immediately met Amelia's. Amelia's heart skipped a beat- she knew it was time to confess about her previous pregnancy.
She swallowed thickly before she answered .'No. This is my second pregnancy. My first one was 5 years ago. He had anencephaly. He died shortly after his birth due to respiratory distress.'
' Oh- I'm so sorry to hear that.' said Arizona sympathetically. ' Well- I hope I can give you comfort in the fact that anencephaly has a less than 5% recurrence rate.
' I'm glad to hear that. We don't want another anencephalic baby, do we?' Amelia tried to joke.
She realized her joke backfired when both Owen and Arizona had a grim look on their faces.
' Sorry.' she muttered. ' Filter.'
At that moment, Owen finally understood the actual reason why Amelia withdrew from him after the baby talk and why she seemed so relieved at the negative pregnancy test result a couple of weeks ago. She was afraid of having another anencephalic baby. It all made sense now. He wished she'd talk to him and open up to him about her fears though.
He looked at Amelia, who was pretending to be interested her patient gown. Sensing that her husband was looking at her, she looked up to meet his gaze. Their eyes met, and there was a moment of understanding between them before Amelia's gaze returned back to her gown.
' Ok- so let's get you booked for your first antenatal appointment next Tuesday.' said Arizona as she typed the details into Amelia's chart. ' First I'll repeat the scan again.'
Arizona confirmed April's earlier scan findings- with the crown rump length corresponding to 7 weeks gestation and the strong fetal heartbeat. After that, she booked Amelia for her first antenatal appointment the following week.
She left the room after again congratulating the couple.
The tense atmosphere returned once Owen and Amelia were left alone again in the room. There were so many unspoken words between them- so many things that needed to be said.
' Yes- he had anencephaly' Amelia said, before Owen could ask her the question she knew was coming.
' I'm so sorry to hear that Amelia.' Owen said earnestly ' I really am.' He wanted to hug her tight, but he remembered his anger towards her for running away. He settled for holding her hand in his instead.
' Me too.' Amelia replied sadly.
Suddenly- the fact that Owen had heard her telling Arizona her past obstetric history gave her the courage she needed to explain the details of her previous pregnancy to him.
She swallowed and cleared her throat before she started.
' Remember I told you that night about Ryan- and how he died of drug overdose in his sleep beside me? It was the worst nightmare of my life- waking up beside his dead body.' Amelia confided, her voice shaking, and her body shivering at the memory.
' Yes, I do.' Owen replied, gently squeezing her hand in his, silently urging her to continue.
' Well- I was pregnant with his baby.' she said. Owen nodded- yes, he had connected the dots after his conversation with April earlier on.
' I found out I was pregnant rather late- during my second trimester, after I came out of rehab. I missed my period for a few months but I didn't think much about it as I thought my body was out of whack.' she continued. ' I was actually excited initially- I thought at least I could keep a piece of Ryan with me.' she let out a sniffle at the memory.
Owen was looking at her with his blue eyes- listening intently to her every word. This gave Amelia the strength and courage she needed to continue her story.
' So- I had my first scan with Addison.' she said. ' I remember it very vividly- we were both in high spirits and looking forward to seeing the baby. Then I saw Addison's facial expression change and I immediately knew something was wrong. Then when she broke the news to me that my baby had anencephaly- I thought that she was joking initially. I mean- how ironic can it be- a brain surgeon having a brainless baby?' she chuckled bitterly at the memory.
' But then it turned out that she wasn't joking. How cruel can this universe be?' she added, as she looked up to the ceiling.
' I'm so sorry Amelia.' Owen said softly, as he gave her hand another reassuring squeeze. His heart went out to her, he can't imagine how it was like finding out her baby had a fetal anomaly which was incompatible with life.
' I was given the option of aborting him.' Amelia continued in a shaky voice. 'But I didn't. I just couldn't, Owen. I decided to carry him to term so that I can donate his organs. I mean- if he can't live his life- might as well save the lives of other children right?'
' That's a very noble thing to do, Amelia.' Owen said earnestly. He had a newfound respect for his wife when he heard this. She knew that her baby would not survive after birth and yet she decided to honor his short life by donating his organs to save the lives of many other children. It showed him how big of a heart she had and how generous she was.
Amelia gave him a small smile, feeling comforted by his comment. ' I did manage to hold him in my arms when he was born.' she said. ' He was the most beautiful baby ever. I call him my unicorn baby, because I always believe that unicorns are magical, and he was magical indeed. I held him in my arms for 43 minutes before he started developing respiratory distress and Addison and Jake had to take him away from me so that they could use his organs. I was reluctant to let go of him.' she said, as tears began to roll down her reyes.
Owen placed a comforting hand around Amelia's shoulder.
' I'm sorry Amelia- I understand this must have been a traumatic event for you.' he said.
' I'm afraid to admit it, but I still miss him.' Amelia admitted, more tears rolling down her cheeks as she looked up at Owen.
Owen used his thumb to wipe a tear off her cheek.
' I know you do.' he said softly.
' Owen- I'm scared.' she finally confessed. ' That's the main reason I ran. That was why I was reluctant to have babies with you initially. I was afraid that if I get pregnant I would have another anencephalic baby. And now that I am pregnant….' her voice trailed off as she looked at him with fear evident in her eyes.
' Amelia- you heard what Arizona said. The recurrence rate is less than 5%' said Owen softly, rubbing her arm as a gesture of comfort.
' But what if we're the 5%? You know that the odds are always against me! The universe hates me!' Amelia cried out.
' I'll be with you the whole time.' Owen said earnestly. ' Every step of the way. We can do this- healthy baby or not. We have each other.'
Owen's words comforted Amelia somewhat as she leaned against his chest as he held her.
Amelia felt a huge burden lift off her chest after she had finally opened up about her past and confessed her innermost fears to her husband.
' But you do believe that we'll have a healthy baby?' she asked, looking up at Owen for reassurance.
' We will have a healthy baby, Amelia.' Owen said. ' Actually we'll have 5 healthy, beautiful kids,' he added, causing Amelia to chuckle.
' How do you know?' she teased him as she wiped the tears off her cheeks with the piece of tissue Owen had passed to her.
' Because I have the best genes.' Owen answered matter-of-factly as Amelia hit him playfully on the arm.
Her smile faded again as the lingering thought in her mind returned.
' I'm so sorry Owen.' she added. ' I'm so sorry for running away like that. I got scared. That's what I do- I run away when I am afraid, I bail when things get hard. This is something I need to work on.'
She swallowed hard, knowing that this was a huge step for her, confessing her weakness. Usually she was too strong willed and hard headed to admit her own mistakes.
' To be honest, I was disappointed and upset with you for running away without an explanation like that.' Owen confessed. ' I mean - you didn't give an explanation- you just took off like that with a simple note. Of course I'm going to blame myself. For days I wondered what I did wrong to make you run away from me like that. I asked myself daily where did I go wrong.'
Seeing Owen's pained expression and heartfelt confession tugged at Amelia's heart. It made her feel guilty and she hated to admit it.
' I know- and I'm sorry about that. I owe you an explanation' Amelia said. ' I was feeling so overwhelmed and suffocated that time, with us talking about starting a family and the prospect of me having another baby which might possibly be anencephalic. I should've opened up and explained everything to you, but I didn't know how to. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I needed some space and time first. Also…..' she rambled as her voice faded.
' Also what, Amelia? You can tell me anything, you know. I wouldn't judge you.' Owen looked at her in the eye.
' I was afraid that if I told you the whole story about my unicorn baby, you would leave me because I wouldn't be able to produce healthy babies.'
A hurt expression flashed across Owen's face at Amelia's confession. Why would that thought ever cross her mind? Didn't she know that he loved her too much to ever leave her?
' Amelia! Of course I would never leave you. I love you so much, do you know that? Even if our baby is really anencphelic, I'll still love him or her and you.' said Owen, cupping her face in his hands.
' Ok- I'm relieved. to hear that.' Amelia admitted. ' I'm sorry Owen for running away again. Like I said, I'll run when I get scared. I'm sorry for not opening up to you earlier and confessing to you about my innermost fears. I'm just not used to this, you know, the whole opening up and talking thing. I guess I'm used to just burying my feelings and running away from my past. But you deserve better than that.'
When Owen didn't reply, she looked away, feeling more guilty than ever.
She ran away from him twice, and yet both times he waited for her to return. What did she do to deserve such a loyal guy in her life?
' You always wait for me to return.' she said, looking up at him as their eyes met.
' Because each time I know that you'll return.' he said earnestly as their foreheads met and their hands and hearts connected.
Being a couple was about opening up to each other about their innermost fears and deepest secrets and sharing the darkest moments of their past. This was a valuable lesson that both Owen and Amelia would learn over the years as they would build their family and lives together.
Ok guys- this is it- do let me know if you want a sequel of this- Owen and Amelia visiting the unicorn baby's grave in LA- featuring the LA gang. ;)
Again, comments, reviews, and messages are very much appreciated :)