CHAPTER 9 – No More Choices

Kathryn emerged from the turbolift less than ten minutes after Q had departed and stopped just a few paces onto the bridge. She stared hesitantly down to her chair and then paused to take in the faces of all of her officers. Finally, she looked at him.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked, immediately noticing something was off.

"Yes?" she replied as normally as she could muster.

"Astrometrics has detected a Class four pulsar fifteen light years off starboard. Would you like to take a detour to study it?"

Janeway regarded him with a blank look. She honestly couldn't think of what to say. She was paralyzed by such an easy question. Go study the star, or maintain course. Why couldn't she decide? Would the ship be ambushed on its way? Would they be sucked into some kind of pulsar-related anomaly resulting in systems failure and power surges and injuries and maybe someone would die? Or should they stay the course, but then maybe they would run headlong into a new nemesis that they would have missed if they had detoured. Or maybe, by the light of the pulsar at dinner tonight she would find the courage to tell him how she really felt. Maybe they would be married, have children. Wait, what if that made them miss their mystery ticket home in three months? Then again perhaps the direct course home was the true way to romance, or food poisoning or…. Her head began to spin.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay's deep voice interrupted her confusion again. He was closer now, he must have come up to her while her mind was wandering, she realized. He put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you alright?" Various members of the bridge crew took care to avert their eyes to whatever was playing out in front of them.

"I," she paused, looking at him blankly. "I'm fine Commander. You decide about the pulsar. I'll be… I'll be in there." She motioned to her ready room and then left.

Chakotay informed Tom to remain on course. Then, he followed her off the bridge.

"What's going on?" he asked as soon as he entered. She was seated on the couch cradling a fresh cup of coffee with both hands. "Are you alright?" Concern was heavy in his voice.

"What did you decide?" she asked, ignoring his question.

"We're maintaining course for home. Astrometrics will use long-range sensors to record the pulsar." Kathryn nodded and he studied her for a moment. "Q came back?" he asked, though it was more of a statement than a question.

"Oh, he came back all right," she replied looking up from her mug.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No. I want to forget he was ever here. But, I don't think I'll be able to."

"He gave you the gift?"

"I'm not sure what it was, Chakotay. A gift or a curse or some odd mix of the two." She shook her head as he silently waited for more details. "He took me on a trip. Showed me what things would have—could have—been like if I had made different choices in my life."

"Sounds enlightening."

"Disturbing. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. It was all of those things." Kathryn put her coffee down to run her hands over her face. "I think I'm going to take the day off. You have the bridge. You just… make the decisions today."

"Yes, of course," he said, then he took the hint and turned to leave.

She stopped him just before he walked out.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Can we retry our dinner again tonight?"

"I'd like that," he said with a smile. "And, I'll choose the menu."

She looked up at him with hope and fear in her eyes. "That would be nice, thank you."

The only decision Kathryn made for the rest of the day was to try to get some much needed sleep. Though, when her head hit the pillow it felt more like she had been knocked unconscious by a brick than a drifting into a peaceful repose.

She woke at 1700 hours with her alarm and then readied herself in the 'fresher.

Kathryn, half in her closet, was reaching for a fresh uniform when she paused. She slid them all to the side and searched the back for a dress that she knew must still have been in there somewhere. She could only hope that it still fit.

When Chakotay answered his door chime at 1800 hours he almost choked at the sight of her. She was simply beautiful. She wore the salmon-colored cotton frock that he recognized from New Earth, and there was a softness to her eyes that he hadn't seen in just as long a time.

"Hi. Come in," he said and waved her through the door.

"I'm sorry. I didn't have any wine to bring." Then she looked down and he thought she might be embarrassed. "Damned replicator," she said under her breath.

"It's fine, really." They were both rather frozen, just inside the door. "You look, nice. Really nice."

Her face grew warm and she was certain he could see her blush. "Thanks. I didn't feel like the uniform tonight."

He nodded, suddenly feeling the physical and metaphorical restriction of his own uniform. "Give me a minute. Please, make yourself comfortable." Then he disappeared into the bedroom.

Kathryn took a deep, cleansing breath. She sat herself in a chair in the living area, rested her chin in her hands and stared at the stars. Three months and Earth would be outside that window, she reminded herself.

When Chakotay re-emerged, he was wearing a casual beige shirt and tan pants. Kathryn bit her lip. He looked very good, she thought.

"It's nice to get out of that every once in a while," he said.

"Yes, I don't do it enough."

"Maybe we should make a new dress code for our dinners," he suggested with a smile.

Oh, how she loved that smile. Since she had a new respect for being honest, she embraced that his smile quite simply made her weak in the knees. The tension in the room began to thicken.

"Are you hungry?"

"Starved," she said with all of the seriousness of a heart attack.

Chakotay sensed the shift in mood and sat in a chair to face her. The double-entendre slowly sinking in.

"Something on your mind?" he asked.

"I need you to help me make a decision."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

She nodded slowly.

"This isn't about a pulsar, is it?"

"No."

"Good."

"It occurs to me that I haven't been very honest with you. Iknow how you feel. But I haven't taken the time to tell you what you mean to me Chakotay."

He moved to interrupt her, hoping to relieve some of the tension and give her a safe escape. "Kathryn, you don't need…"

"Hear me out. Please."

He nodded.

"You're more than just a fine first officer. You're more than a friend. I told you once I couldn't imagine a day without you and that's true. But, it's not the entire truth." She looked in his crystal clear eyes. "I want more. More from you, and more from myself. I want you to show me how to live this life of mine, so that I'm not pained by every decision that I do or don't make. I want to be happy, Chakotay."

"I'm not sure how I…." He was interrupted when she raised her hand.

"I want you to choose," she said simply. And then, without stumbling or pretext, without hesitation or fear, she confessed. "I want you to choose to wait for me. I want to know you'll be there when everything else is over. I'm tired of making these decisions alone."

Chakotay looked at his hands briefly and let go of the breath he had been holding for almost five years.

"You've always done this Kathryn. You were always the one who bore the losses and made the sacrifices. But you weren't the only one who lost. I lost too," he admitted. She looked down at the ground, suddenly unsure of what he would do next.

"I've told you before, you're never alone." He leaned forward and took her hands in his own, his eyes gently drawing hers up to meet. "I'd have waited the whole seventy years for you. You only had to ask."

Kathryn felt her throat begin to sting and burn. Her vision grew cloudy behind the forming tears. "I already asked so much of you. I couldn't do that."

"It was the only thing I ever wanted you to do."