Dear Diary,
Quinn is still here. I see her almost every day, not that I'm intentionally going to places we used to go to all the time. It's just a coincidence that I get coffee at her favorite coffee shop every day before school. Even though it's out of the way. I heard around school that she was DJing at a club downtown a few nights a week. How was I to know she would be there on 18 and under night? Just because that's what Sophia heard didn't mean it was true. So what that she eats Pizza at the same parlor almost every night. She sits by the window writing. She broke my heart and I don't care one bit that she looks so sad in that window. I'm just waiting for the night I drive by and she's not there. Then I'll know for sure. I'll know that I'll never see her again. I'll know that she's gone back to her perfect life and great job in LA. I graduate in a month and then I'll go off to Boston College and I'll meet someone and I'll fall in love with them and I'll get married and have kids and I won't have to think about her every minute of every day. I won't have to see her in my dreams in anymore. I'll be happy without her. I'll forget that she came back here to get me back. I'll forget that I didn't even give her a chance. I'll forget that I love her. I pray that I'll just forget. I broke up with Caleb yesterday and I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel anything when I told him I didn't love him just like I didn't feel anything when I told him for the last few months that I did. But seeing her. I feel things. So many things. Pain. Sadness. Fear. Regret. Anger. Butterflies. Love. Hope.
XxXxXx
Throbbing. A beat or sound with a strong, regular rhythm, pulsate steadily. That's how the pain felt. She took a deep breath trying to locate the exact place it was originating from but she couldn't narrow it down. Her whole body hurt. Maybe from sleeping on the not so comfortable love seat in Finley's room. After Chloe yelled at her in the kitchen and stormed to their bedroom slamming the door behind her, Beca was left with a screaming little boy who had been startled. It didn't take her long to get him back down but it took some figuring out with one casted hand and Bash's agitation grew as he looked at her struggling to pick him up. After he did settle down, Beca walked to her bed room hoping to slide into bed but the door was locked. She pouted all the way to Fin's room. After checking on her oldest child, she settled for the lumpy loveseat. Now she was realizing that it wasn't the best of decisions. There were 2 other rooms in their house with nice beds but she didn't have the energy to get there. Now she was paying the price. The soreness in both wrists. The pain in her lower back. The ache of both her knees and hips from sleeping in a weird position. The heaviness on her chest and the tapping on her chin. Beca's eyes opened slowly. Finley smiled brightly at her. The heaviness on her chest was her daughter's head. The tapping on her chin stopped as soon as she opened her eyes but the throbbing and the pain and the ache, those were still there. And now she was acutely aware that she hadn't taken any pain medication in several hours because her left hand felt like it had exploded. It was almost unbearable. The only thing making her not move were the dark chocolate eyes on her.
"Hi" Finley greeted. Her voice was thick and horse from sleep. "Seep tight?"
"Not really baby." Beca answered honestly as she tried to readjust her position on the small sofa so that Finley could crawl all the way up with her. Finley was able to climb up on the couch. She positioned herself right in the middle of Beca. Her hands placed under her chin resting on Beca's stomach looking up at her.
"You in twoble?" Finley asked.
"Why do you say that bug?" Beca asked.
"Seep in my room and not wif mama. You in time wout" Finley's eyes were large and filled with innocence.
Beca tried to hide her smile. She was on the 'time out couch' so of course Fin would think she was in time out and she pretty much was. "Yes. I'm in time out." Beca admitted.
"Why mommy?" Finley asked tilting her head to the side slightly.
"I did something yesterday that was bad."
"What did you do?" Her daughter asked innocently.
Chloe stood silently just outside the door. When she walked into the room to wake up Fin and get her day started, she was surprised to see her daughter wide awake and climbing on Beca who was also awake. Chloe stepped just out of the door frame and out of sight but she didn't leave. She crossed her arms over her chest as she listened to their conversation.
Beca sighed, "Do you remember yesterday when we were at the store?" Beca asked.
Finley nodded.
"Well. I made a mistake. I hurt someone and I shouldn't have done it. I wasn't on my best behavior and I wasn't using my manners." Beca tried to explain simply.
"Mama mad?" Finley asked. She straightened out her right arm and laid her head down on it while looking up at Beca, while her left hand went back to tapping Beca rhythmically on the stomach.
"Yes. Mama was mad." Beca answered.
"You haf to say you sworry." Finley said plainly. "Then no more time wout."
"Is that all?" Beca asked teasingly but wishing it was going to be that easy to get out of trouble with Chloe.
"No" Finley replied. "You haf to mean it."
Beca raised her left hand and rested it awkwardly on her chest.
Finley's head shot up.
"What's that?" She asked.
"I hurt myself." Beca replied.
Chloe poked her head around the corner to look at the scene. She pulled back after seeing Finley crawl up Beca and straddle her stomach.
Finley picked up Beca's left hand examining the cast closely.
"An owie?" Finley asked.
"Yes." Beca replied.
"Tiss it all bwetter" Finley said as she leaned down pressing her lips to the black cast.
"Aww thank you baby." Beca said sweetly. "It feels better already."
Finley lowered herself down so that her head rested in the crook of Beca's neck. Her daughter's warm body against hers was beginning to lull her back to sleep as she felt Finley's fingers beating lightly against her shoulder.
"Mommy?" Finley asked.
"Hum" Beca replied without opening her eyes.
"Play moosic wif me?" Finley asked hopefully.
Chloe took that opportunity to stop eves dropping and walk into the room.
"Good morning baby" She said sweetly to Finley who quickly pushed herself from Beca's chest.
Beca grunted as Finley's knees and feet dug into her stomach and legs as the little girl removed herself from her.
"Gwood mwornwing" Finley replied happily.
"Hungry?" Chloe asked the little girl.
Finley nodded.
Beca and Chloe made eye contact for a couple of seconds. Beca could tell that Chloe wasn't as mad as she was last night but she was still upset, so she opted to remain silent.
Finley followed Chloe out of the room and Beca sank back down into the couch a little further. She felt Finley bump into her right side after running back into the room. Beca turned her head.
"Dwon't fowget to say you sworry." Finley whispered into Beca's ear.
"Okay baby. Thank you." Beca said quietly. She received a kiss on the cheek from the little girl who turned and ran back out of the room as quickly as she ran in.
XxXxXx
Four excruciating days later and Beca had apologized. Every day. But it never seemed to come out exactly right which is why Beca found herself sitting in her home studio trying her hardest to string enough piano notes together to find relief. To communicate effectively the only way she knew how but her right hand didn't work well without the help of her left hand. She slammed her fist down on the keys thankful that the room was mostly sound proof. It was after midnight and she knew both kids were in bed. She knew Chloe was probably in bed. She wouldn't know for sure since she had been sleeping in the guest room. Why couldn't she just apologize and not fuck it up.
3 DAYS AGO
Beca stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen where Fin and Sebastian were eating breakfast. Beca reached for the bottle of pain killers trying to pop the lid with her right thumb. After standing there, growing increasingly frustrated, she tried slamming the side of the lid on the counter top. That didn't do anything but earn a look from Fin, a cry from Bash and a glare from Chloe. After settling the boy and getting him back into eating his applesauce, Chloe reached over and grabbed the bottle from Beca's hand. She pinch, twisted and pulled and magically the top popped open.
"It's child proof" Chloe said sarcastically as she placed one pill in Beca's palm. She challenged the brunette with a raised eyebrow but Beca gently placed the pill on her tongue and went to the fridge for a bottle of water.
Soon after that she was summoned to Stacie office where she received an earful about how lucky she was that she wasn't in jail, didn't have a horrible mugshot floating around, wasn't the lead on TMZ or on the covers of all the gossip magazines being led away in handcuffs, and that she didn't ruin her and Chloe's career in a fit of jealousy and anger. Beca tried to argue that she was not jealous but Stacie didn't care. Beca was missing the point. By the time she got home, it was dark. She hadn't spoken to Chloe all day and she hadn't attempted to apologize. When she walked in the door she was fully ready to swallow her pride and tell Chloe she was sorry. As soon as the redhead saw her she stood from the couch and went upstairs. Beca found a pain pill laid out on the counter. She tossed it in her mouth and went for a bottle of water. She found a turkey sandwich saran wrapped on a plate with a post it note labeled 'Idiot' in Chloe's handwriting. Figuring the probability was high that it was for her, she pulled out the plate and sat at the table with her sandwich and water. After dinner she made her way to the bed room but once again, the door was locked. Beca sighed heavily. She rested her forehead against the door and knocked gently a few times.
"Chloe?" Beca said loud enough to permeate through the door but not disturb their sleeping children. "I'm sorry." She waited but nothing. No reply, no movement from the other side, no unlocking. Beca retreated to the guest room that night. Her mind made up to apologize appropriately tomorrow.
PRESENT DAY
Dear Diary,
I was so pissed. How could she do that?! Literally the whole freaking school was there. I would have looked like a complete bitch if I would have walked away after that. I can't believe she put me on the spot like that. In front of everyone. Even my little sister was there and there is no way she won't tell my parents. Who freaking love her for whatever. So annoying. UGHHHHH.. Okay, so breathe. So we were at Howl on High St. Like the whole senior and junior classes were there. It's the club that Quinn DJs at. Except tonight there was open mic night. And I must admit there were some pretty cool acts but then Quinn showed up. Apparently she was supposed to be off because they didn't need a DJ tonight. And it was cool and I'll admit that maybe I was a little disappointed she wasn't there. Then she showed up. I literally felt her in the building before I saw her. God, does that actually happen to people? I guess it does. I totally held my breath as she walked up to that stage. To that piano. And played that song. She never even looked at me. She didn't have to. The entire building knew who she was singing too. The entire building was also shocked that she could sing. I guess I'm the only one who knew that too. I was so angry that she would do that. That she could make me feel that way with a stupid Phil Collins song. A stupid song she loves. She would sing bits of it to me before all of this happened. Her mom loved that song. And I guess it was Against All Odds that I'd be here in this situation. I never thought she'd be back. When she finished playing she just walked off the stage. I pushed through the crowd and pulled her out back. I could see the sadness in her eyes. I have no idea what she was about to say. No idea what I was about to say. I was so mad for being in that situation. I slapped her as hard as I could. I know it hurt. Her eyes welled up. That's all I had to say so I walked away. I made it around the front of the club and suddenly I couldn't breathe. My feet wouldn't move forward. That's when I realized why. Why I hadn't been moving forward for the last 2 months that she's been back. I ran back around the corner and she was still there. I know I surprised her and I think she was scared I was going to hit her again. And I did. But I kissed her first. I love her. I couldn't move forward without her. I met my soulmate when I was 16.
Chloe closed the diary. She opened her nightstand and placed it in the drawer for safe keeping. One day she would let Finley read about her parent's romance. She turned back to Beca's empty side of the bed. She missed her. She wasn't even really mad at Beca anymore but for the last few days, the brunette just kept digging her grave and so Chloe let her dig it. It had to end soon, she knew it. They needed to move forward. Past all of it.
XxXxXx
2 DAYS AGO
Beca popped out of bed as soon as the alarm she set went off at 7am. She jumped in the shower and hustled down the stairs and into the kitchen. She prepared breakfast for Bash and Finley and then ran upstairs to get the kids up before Chloe would do it like she did every morning. She was determined to apologize today, she planned it all out in her head last night as she was laying in the guest room. 'Operation Get Back In The Bedroom' was underway. First she would feed and clean the kids. Then she would woo her wife with her favorite French toast. Then apologize. Then a walk on the beach with everyone and then hopefully a night of make-up sex. Fingers crossed.
She was on track. The kids had been fed, cleaned and dressed for the day. Finley was currently sitting in the living room with Poe curled up on her lap listening to her headphones and coloring. Sebastian was bouncing happily in his swing. She had just flipped the French toast when Chloe walked into the kitchen. Beca smiled brightly and passed her wife a fresh cup of hot coffee just the way she liked it. Chloe took it with a wary expression. "I wanted to apologize" Beca said confidently.
Chloe took a sip of the coffee and placed it on the counter next to her giving Beca all her attention. Suddenly nervous, Beca cleared her throat. "I made you breakfast" is what fell out of her mouth. She kicked herself. "No, I" Beca stumbled.
Chloe shifted on her feet waiting for Beca to get it out.
"I did make you breakfast." Beca said quickly. "And I'm sorry. I-"
The loud beeping of the fire alarm rang through the house.
"Shit!" Beca yelled as she turned back to the stove. The bread was smoking. She turned all the knobs as quickly as she could. Beca grabbed a dish towel and ran towards the alarm. She waived it quickly in front of the device hoping it would turn off. As soon as it did, the piercing sound of Bash screaming, he definitely had Chloe's pipes on him, and the high pitched howl that Poe was letting out flooded her senses.
Chloe held and bounced Bash against her chest lightly patting his back trying to comfort him. Finley remained oblivious to the action as she concentrated on the coloring page in front of her and her head phones on.
"I'm sorry" Beca said softly reaching for her son. "I'm sorry for" she met Chloe's expecting eyes. "For breakfast."
Chloe rolled her eyes and walked away with the baby.
Beca stood cleaning up the kitchen when Chloe finally came back downstairs. She was dressed in her workout clothes.
"I'm going for a run" She said quietly.
Beca watched her strap Sebastian into his Ironman stroller that Chloe used when she ran with the baby. "Okay" Beca breathed.
Once Chloe and Bash were out the door, Beca looked to Finley who still hadn't looked up. "Fuck" she said to herself.
YESTERDAY
Beca sat down on the couch. She felt like she climbed a mountain. She had the kids all day. Both of them.
Chloe had woken her up that morning with the news that she was working today. Nothing major just some screen testing and auditioning other actors for the film that she had agreed to do with Beca's encouragement. That was before the Whole Foods incident and since they hadn't been speaking much after the Whole Foods incident, Chloe had a lot of time on her hands to read the script changes and prepare.
Beca wanted the house to be cleaned, the kids to be happy and fed, ready for bed, and dinner on the table by the time Chloe came home. Check, check, check and check. She expected Chloe any moment after receiving a text saying that she was leaving LA about an hour ago. Beca allowed herself to lay her head back on the couch and close her eyes for a few seconds. Two kids and a dog can really take it out of you, she thought as her breathing evened out. The sound of the door closing jolted her. She sat up quickly. "Chloe. I'm so glad your home. How was your day? Tell me everything. Ho-ooly shit!" Beca said loudly as she stood up and turned around coming face to face with her wife.
"Really?" Chloe sighed. "Thanks"
"No. No" Beca said quickly. "It's, I just didn't know."
Chloe put her bag and jacket down on the kitchen island. "Yeah, I didn't know either. They just wanted to screen test it. I doubt they liked it. I'll probably be back to red tomorrow."
"No. Chlo. It's" Beca stumbled verbally and physically as she made her way around the couch. "I just didn't expect you to leave a redhead and come back brunette." Beca said looking at Chloe. Really looking. "You're gorgeous."
Chloe rolled her eyes. "It's your job to say that."
"No. It's my job to say you're beautiful." Beca teased slowly approached her wife. "But you're more than beautiful. You're gorgeous." She repeated. "And your eyes." Beca said looking intently, "it's not even fair."
"What?" Chloe said feeling her heart beating quickly.
"They are so icy blue." Beca whispered. "It's kind of intimidating to be this close to you." She said as she lightly chanced her right hand to Chloe's hip.
Chloe grabbed Beca's wrist and pulled their body's together. It had been far too long since she was held. She wrapped her arms around Beca's neck.
"I'm so sorry" Beca whispered in her ear. "I don't know what happened."
Chloe dropped her head to Beca's shoulder, ready to listen.
"I know I acted crazy and irresponsibly and I'm especially sorry that I did it in front of Fin and Bash." Beca said sincerely. It was her biggest regret. She actually didn't regret hitting Tom very much, maybe just a little but not really. She regretted that her family had to see it. "I just heard his voice and all I could see was that picture." Beca admitted. Chloe tensed immediately and lifted her head from Beca's shoulder. "That picture of you and I was right back in that place. That feeling of my heart being ripped out of my chest. And I just wanted to beat the shit out of someone."
"Sooo" Chloe pulled back.
"So?" Beca repeated questioningly.
"You heard his voice and then saw the picture of me in your head and wanted to beat the shit out of someone?" Chloe repeated.
"Yeah" Beca said trying to pull Chloe back in.
"Would you like to also beat the shit out of me?" Chloe asked pushing away from Beca. "I was the one in the picture."
"What no" Beca said quickly. "That's not what I meant."
"No. Becs, I thought" Chloe tried to compose herself. She pulled the hair tie off her wrist and pulled her hair up into a loose bun. "I mean I wasn't expecting to see Tom either. In fact I was hoping that I would never have to see him again but" Chloe huffed. Her thoughts were scattered. She would have been happy if Beca would have just stopped talking after the initial apology. "I thought you were over it. I thought you were passed it. That's what you said three years ago Beca" Chloe said loudly.
"I am over it." Beca said quickly.
"You're not." Chloe argued. "If you were, your first instinct wouldn't have been to beat the shit out of someone." Chloe quickly retreated backwards until she reached the staircase. She climbed a couple and turned back to Beca. "I know I hurt you. I know I made a huge mistake. I'm sorry."
PRESENT DAY
Today hadn't been any better. Chloe's apology last night continued to run through her mind. Why couldn't she just say it simply, like Chloe did? "I made a huge mistake. I'm sorry" Beca repeated to herself as she playing the piano softly with her right hand. She had tried to get the words out all day but every time she saw Chloe's sad eyes, her chest hurt. She put that expression there. She put that hurt there. This was about more than punching Tom in a freaking grocery store. She really hadn't realized she was holding onto that pain. She thought she was past it. She convinced herself she was. Until she heard his voice, she believed she was. And so did Chloe. Chloe wanted to be with Beca so bad that she believed her. She believed that time away could fix it. Could heal it. She wanted to believe it so badly that she just did. Avoidance and acceptance are different emotions. Chloe knew that. She was an actress. It was her job to be able to portray, to be able to identify will all emotions. Beca was just avoiding dealing with her anger because they were in a different country. They were isolated. That didn't mean she accepted what happened and actually forgiven.
Chloe had dropped Finley off with Jessica for the day on her way into the studio. She spent the day there reading with different actors and actresses. Her day ended with a trip back to her usual hair dresser. She sat in the chair as her natural color was returned. She picked up Finley and went home where they ate dinner in mostly silence. Finley did most of the talking about her day spent at the Museum of Natural Science with Aunt Jessica and Aunt Ashley.
Chloe put Bash down and Beca put Finley to bed. Then they parted. Chloe to the bedroom and Beca to the studio where she'd been sitting for the last couple of hours. Chloe pushed herself off the bed. She was done with this. She headed towards the guest room pushing the door open slowly. "Becs?" She whispered. She looked in to see the bed still made up. After the guest room she peeked in Finley's room but the toddler was the only one asleep in the room. She made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen. At some point a light sweat started to form on the back of her neck and she tried to push away the sick feeling in her stomach. This couldn't be happening again.
Beca played around with a couple of keys till she felt her feelings bubble up and she knew it was going to come out.
Relief flooded Chloe's veins as she pushed open the door to the studio to see Beca sitting at the piano with her left hand in her lap and her right hand on the keys. The melody was soft and slow.
'If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our loves insanity why are you my clarity?
Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move
It makes me feel like I can't live without you, it takes me all the way
I want you to stay, if our love is tragedy why are you my remedy?'
Chloe made her way into the room as Beca continued to sing the mashup. She straddled the piano bench facing her wife.
'If our loves insanity why are you my clarity?
I want you to stay'
Beca smiled softly as she sang. Just knowing that Chloe was sitting next to her, she knew it was going to be okay. She knew this wouldn't beat them. She finished the impromptu mash up with a playful smile.
'I got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains, it's rivers, it's got sights to give you shivers,
But it sure would be prettier with you.'
AN: Thank you for all the comments you guys left me. It really pushed me to get this out quickly. You guys make such good points it helps me to think things through. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter but sadly I feel like I really need to leave them here. I feel like I need to let this go and work on something completely different... thoughts on the chapter and the future.
Music Cred: Part of Anthem Lights: Best of 2013 Mashup.