A/N: Originally, I published this as a stand alone one-shot. However, considering it was inspired by a song, I thought I'd transplant it here. Also, I wanted to fix some pretty egregious grammar and general writing mistakes I missed the first time.
This one-shot briefly examines Shego's relationship with her older brother under pretty dark circumstances. This one takes place about one month after Stop Team Go.
Please read and review.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything
Like a bird on a wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my own way to be free
- Leonard Cohen, Songs from a Room
Shego felt a smirk creep over her lips as she sat in the well-decorated waiting room. Given the circumstances that had brought her to the hospital, she was well aware that her reaction was wildly inappropriate. But she couldn't help it. Whenever she felt awkward or uncertain it was a natural, unstoppable response. She brought her hand up to her mouth and gently dragged it down her chin in an attempt to erase the feature. She wasn't entirely successful; as she felt the corners of her lips tighten no sooner had her hand graced them. Sighing, Shego pressed her back into the cushion of her seat, listening to the wood frame of the chair creak quietly.
"Miss Gordon?"
It was the portly, middle-aged nurse from behind the front desk. She had returned from wherever she went to clear Shego's visit. Shego uncrossed her legs, grabbed her bag and strode over to the desk.
"Just sign in here," the nurse said, pushing a sheet of paper towards Shego. "And you'll need this." Next to the paper, she set down a visitor's badge.
Shego signed her name and the time her visit was beginning, and snapped the badge to the lapel of her jacket.
"Right this way," the nurse said, rounding the desk and guiding Shego towards the doors she had appeared from not two minutes before.
Shego and the nurse traversed the lower halls of the hospital until they arrived at a bank of elevators. The nurse pressed a button, and a moment later the set of doors to the far right elevator drew open.
As they stepped inside the nurse said, "The day-room is on the third floor," and she pressed the third floor button. The elevator doors rolled shut.
"Oh," Shego muttered offhandedly, adjusting her glasses. Usually she wore contacts, but glasses seemed to skew her looks just enough that people didn't recognize her as the green villainess that was frequently bent on world conquest. It worked for Hego, too –
Shego's fingers tightened around the strap of her bag as she thought of her older brother. For the past three days, Wendell (the more mature of the twins) had been persistently calling her. She figured he had gotten her new number from her VilLinked-In account that she kept for the occasional side job.
Nosey little shit.
Two days and five-hundred-seventy-seven calls later, Shego conceded and rang him back. What could be so flippin' urgent?
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. The nurse escorted Shego down the length of a carpeted hallway to a door with a keypad. She punched in the code, and the door buzzed quietly opened onto a small-enclosed foyer. Beyond the second door and the windowed panels, Shego spied Hego sitting by himself at a small table towards the back of the room.
"This is Miss Shayla Gokowski to see her brother, Heath Gokowski," the first nurse said to the one attending the day room's desk.
"Alright," nurse number two said sweetly, looking at Shego. "I'll just need your bag, and I can let you in."
Shego hesitated and gripped her bag tightly. "Oh."
"It's just standard procedure," Number Two explained. "For safety reasons, mainly. I promise, I'll keep it locked up in my desk."
"That's fine," Shego replied, unslinging her purse from her shoulder.
"Thank you." Nurse number two took it and placed it out of sight.
"I have to be getting back downstairs," the first nurse said. "Don't forget to sign out."
"'Kay."
As nurse one left, nurse two said, "Visitation is an hour. We'll let you know when ten minutes is left."
"Thanks," Shego murmured, and pushed open the second door.
There were many tables scattered throughout the day-room. Most with two or three patients – identified by the hospital bands on their right wrists – sitting at them. Some were visiting with family and friends. Others were hunched over papers printed with intricate, symmetrical designs, coloring them in with brightly colored markers. Some were refusing to take part, and sat in their chairs, arms crossed, and staring out into space.
As Shego neared the table Hego was sitting at, he looked up. He looked tired. There was a swallow undertone to his usual peachy skin, and his hair looked as if it needed a washing. He wore grey sweats – which were NOT helping his complexion situation. But the most noticeable difference about him was not his ashen skin, nor his unkempt look. It wasn't the drab sweats. It wasn't even the hospital band on his wrist. It was the thick wraps of gauze taped around his wrists and forearms.
"Hey!" he said weakly, but happily. "What are you doing here?"
Hego expected Aviarius or Electronique to visit him before his little sister. He much preferred Shego's company to theirs, but she had made it clear several years ago that she wanted nothing to do with him or her other brothers.
Shego pulled out the opposite chair and took a seat.
"I should be asking you the same thing."
Hego's brows furrowed and his grin fell. He self-consciously tugged at the sleeves of his sweatshirt, trying to cover his bandages. However, his massive forearms barely allowed it.
"Heath," Shego began slowly, taking a lot of care to keep her tone from becoming sharp, "what happened?"
Hego rested his chin in a large hand, still avoiding his sister's eyes. A moment passed before he spoke.
"I don't know."
Shego swallowed. It wasn't like Hego to hold back. But then it wasn't like Hego to end up in a place like this.
"Wendell called me," she explained. "Several times. When he told me what was going on," she broke off, shaking her head. Silence befell the pair again.
"What happened?" Shego finally repeated. "I mean, when I saw you a month ago, everything seemed fine."
Hego's mouth tilted into a rueful smile, which quickly fell. He folded his arms, tucking his hands under his biceps, and shrugged.
"I guess things haven't been fine for awhile now," he murmured, as if embarrassed. "It's just – "
He stopped, contemplating the wisdom of opening up to her. Although, in the last two days at Go Hospital's Inpatient Center, he was realizing how closed off he had become over the years. Glossing over his emotions and needs, favoring those of the city and his brothers. And sister. It had built to a crescendo last Tuesday. And that had landed him here.
Shego waited silently, but Hego could sense her irritation simmering under the surface.
"It's just," he started, paused again, and swallowed. "It's been hard since you left."
Just as he expected, Shego noticeably bristled under his statement. She folded her arms, shoulders creeping up towards her ears, and her jaw clenched.
"I'm not blaming you," he clarified. "It's just . . . it's been hard."
"Got it."
"Shayla, seriously, I'm not blaming you."
Shego unstuck her jaw and adjusted herself in her seat. "Fine. Whatever. Continue."
"The Team, sort of, fell apart. You know that. I tried – really tried – to rally the boys together. I put on a brave face and tried to keep Team Go working, but we just . . . weren't as good. But I kept trying. Trying to make Team Go work. We had a few successes, defeating Aviarius and mediocre bank robbers. Things like that. But it was getting harder to keep doing it," he stopped here, and Shego could've sworn she saw his eyes shimmer.
Hego swallowed and brought a hand to his forehead. "I'm just . . . tired. I'm tired of banding Michael, Wendell, and Walter together. I'm tired of defending the city one day, just to turn around and save it again the next. I'm tired of being mediator for petty quarrels between the boys. It feels as if I've been treading water for years and I can't keep it up anymore. I'm slipping under the water, and sometimes I think it would be best if I just let a wave overtake me. Just end it." Hego rubbed his face wearily, as if wiping away the thought. "I'm just . . . tired."
Shego watched her brother as he quieted. Something like pity and guilt was clenching at her gut, but she shook it off. This wasn't her problem.
"Heath," she said firmly, "the boys are grown-ass men. It's not your job to pacify their stupid fights. It's not your job to tell them what to do. If they don't want to be a part of Team Go, fine. Whatever. That's their decision. What's more, you don't have to be a part of Team Go. You don't owe the city anything. Whether you know it or not, you have a life outside of 'Hego'. Just because you have super powers doesn't mean you're obligated to use them to make other people's lives easier. You can't live for other people and their wants, Heath. Stop trying to fix things that are meant to be broken. If you don't, you'll . . . always be tired."
Hego, whose eyes had fallen to the table during Shego's speech, felt the corners of his mouth tug. He lifted his gaze back to hers and said, "You have it all figured out don't you, baby sister?"
"No," Shego corrected. "But I know enough that I won't find happiness in the expectations of others. You do for you, and no one else."
"Did you get tired towards the end?"
Shego stared at her brother and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Yes."
"I wish you had stayed. But I'm glad you're happy now. You are happy now aren't you? You and that blue scientist?"
"Yes I'm happy," she answered quickly. "But I'm not . . . me and Dr. D are not . . . "
"Oh. Sorry. I just thought . . . I don't know what I thought. Sorry."
"It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Does he know where you are now?"
"No. I just told him I'd be out for a day or so."
"No big schemes you have to get back to?" Hego asked jokingly.
"I don't know," Shego sighed flippantly. "I never know with him. He tends to be all over the place. I can't be gone too long though, or he's likely to accidently blow up the lair, or get arrested, or something."
She didn't realize it, but as she spoke her lips curled up into a small smile. Hego noticed how a note of fondness crept into her tone, and it made him surprisingly content; whether she knew it or not, that scientist (Hego was reasonably certain his name was Drakken) made her happy; maybe not all the time, but enough to hold her to him. Hego was glad, and at the same time jealous, that someone had instilled in his sister a willingness to stay put.
Brother and sister talked until the visitation hour was up. Parts of the conversation were stilted and awkward, but they eventually found their way back to somewhat of a flow. As Shego sat there, she felt the usual icy exterior that built up when she was around her brothers beginning to melt away. Instead of being perpetually annoyed by him, she was starting to feel mildly connected to her older brother.
'Oh boy. Maybe I am getting soft,' Shego thought. But, surprisingly, she didn't care enough to try and be mean.
When nurse number two made the announcement that there were only a few minutes left in visitation, Shego's voice stuck in her throat. Hego looked at his sister almost helplessly, not wanting her go.
"How long do you have to stay here?" Shego asked nonchalantly, trying to shake off the look he was giving her.
He shrugged. "I dunno. A few more days probably. It's not so bad, really. It's nice to sit in Group and hear that you're not as alone as you think. I have a reevaluation appointment with the psychiatrist this Wednesday. She'll decide then if I'm okay to leave. However, stipulations in leaving Inpatient are seeing a psychologist at least once a week and probably some kind of anti-depressant."
"Whatever you need to."
Hego nodded. "Thanks for coming, Shay. It was really good to see you. It means a lot. More than I think you know."
Visitors were beginning to trickle out of the day room's entrance, and Shego had gone to stand up from her seat. She paused, and was momentarily lost for words.
"Don't worry about it," she finally said. She pushed in her chair, and said, "Take care of yourself, Heath. I mean it."
"Yes Ma'am."
Shego left the room, stopping at the front desk to pick up her purse. She stopped by the desk in the lobby, signed herself out, and unclipped her visitor badge.
"Did you have a nice visit?" the first nurse asked, taking the badge.
"I did. Thanks," Shego responded, and headed out of the hospital.
Shego got into her rental car and tossed her bag onto the passenger seat. She closed her door, but didn't start up the car. She sat in her seat for a moment, staring blankly in front of her. Deep inside, Shego felt ripples of emotional anxiety begin to bubble up. Inhaling deeply, she gripped the top of the steering wheel, and set her forehead on her white knuckles. She blew out a steady stream of air and pressed her face against her hands. Three minutes passed before she sat up again.
Once she felt back in control, Shego stuck the key in the ignition. The engine turned over, she set the clutch to drive, and began her journey back home.
A/N: Check out Katy Sagal's cover of this song. It's on iTunes and Youtube. It's soul-shaking. Thanks for reading!