longing, n.

definition: a yearning desire.

rating: T

A/N: First of all, I've been really excited for you all to read this story because I really like it. It's based on one of my favorite songs, Fools by Troye Sivan. If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it after you read this x) The T rating is for language. I used some words in this fic that may offend some of you, but I did not put those words in because I think they sound cool or because I think they'll give my story more views. I put them in to make a point and because I think that the character would use them in this situation.

In other news: the first chapter of the longest fic I have ever written is up and I'm so excited! It's called Distracted in Siberia and it's a Clintasha fic so you should check it out ;) Enjoy the story! :)

Dear Natasha,

I'm sorry.

#####

He sat down, ordered a Tanqueray. Because that's what people do to forget things: drown their memories in alcohol. The bartender asked if he was enjoying London. Clint grabbed his drink and found a booth by the wall. He hated London.

#####

"I love you." There. He'd finally said it after all these years. His wild heard pounded against his ribcage as he waited for her answer. But she stared, her eyes wide, pink lips parted.

"Natasha?" He dared to touch her face, to brush a curl off her cheek.

She flinched from his touch, the color slowly fading from her cheeks. "What?"

"I—I love you, Tasha." He felt like a fool. "Do—do you—"

"No."

#####

He smoothed the piece of paper, reading and re-reading the words. Dear Natasha, I'm sorry. He ordered another drink and signed his name. Clint. He should never have fallen in love. He had tried not to for a while, but she was irresistible.

Images poured through his head, taunting him, and he downed another drink.

He saw the two of them undercover in London, posing as two newlyweds who could not get enough of each other. Stolen kisses between kill shots, kisses that meant more to him than to her. Early mornings in hotel rooms, drinking coffee before missions. A green headscarf that made her eyes sparkle like emeralds. Sightseeing, but watching something far more fascinating than buildings lost to time. Mission plans whispered sweetly like a promise. Red lips and wedding rings and gun smoke and arrows. Pretending that she was his, and he was hers, that their fingers locked together meant something more. Looks and words and touches that made him dare to hope, that made him see living rooms and bedsheets and a house on a hill and blue-eyed children with bright red hair.

He finished his fourth drink. Maybe if she only knew how much he loved her, she would change her mind. He picked up his pen again.

#####

I love you so damn much. I tried to stop, but I can't. I want you. I want you so damn much. I want everything, Tasha, I want to marry you and I want a house and quiet nights and babies that grow up and I want to grow old with you but never fall out of love. You don't have to be afraid because I'm not going to change my mind. You'll never know what I'm feeling and I'm getting drunk and I can't explain it. I love you so goddamn much it hurts.

#####

He tried to read the words over, but they blurred on the page. He set down his pen and rubbed his eyes, trying not to think about her but failing. For one blissful second, he remembered kissing her, how her soft, fragrant hair tickled his collarbone. It was one kiss that was real, no pretending or dreaming. One moment that he would have gladly lived in forever, if he could.

And then she said one word, and everything shattered.

#####

Opposites attract. Youre beautiful and ambitious and smart and I'm just a guy whos in love with you. I know we're different and we want different things but I dont fucking care. Im not giving up. I never will.I m so fuc king drunk and youre intoxicating.

#####

Clint could hardly think straight. He'd filled two pages and he could barely read his own writing. But she had to know how he felt. She had to know that he wasn't just messing around.

But he'd kissed her and said the three words and she'd turned him down. She'd said he was her friend, nothing more. And he'd always known they were best friends, but he wanted more.

Suddenly, the Tanqueray was climbing up his throat. He stumbled into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet.

He'd ruined everything.

He made his way back to his table, hopeless and dejected and feeling like the world was ending.

#####

Natasha I fucked up

Im so sorry Na tasha

only fools fall for you tasha, ive seen them. They are drunk and stupid and they fall at your feet because youre perfect. Im a damn fool. I dont want to lose you and everything is shattering and its my fault

i fucked up Natasha, Im so sorry. i m a fucking fool and im so dru nk and I know you don't care about me any more than you care about the rest of those sorry idiots because Im one, I'm an idiot and im sorry I fukced up by loving you so goddamn much, only fools do what I do and Im a damn fool and I love you so damn much Natasha, Im so sorry I fucked up Im so sorry I love you but i cant stop

#####

He woke up in a hotel bed. He'd had more than one too many, and the effects splintered his skull.

His note was on a table next to his bed, a mess of crumpled paper, blotched ink, atrocious handwriting, swearing and apologies; the product of unrequited love and European liquor.

A crisp white square stood next to it, a letter with his name centered on the front.

#####

Clint,

If you're a fool then I am too. I care about you more than I should, more than is good for me. And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you. But my hopes are too high, I need to change. I need time to stop loving you. Don't look for me, I left early and I don't want you to find me. You're too good for me, I'll never deserve you and honestly, maybe I'm afraid of how much I would do for you. When things change and I don't love you so much anymore, I'll come back.

Goodbye, Clint. I'm sorry. I really am.

Natasha