The Black Hole of Trauma

Hi guys. It's the fourteenth. Ugh. I'm nearly late so this must have so many typos. My head hurts.

"Naruto" Sasuke moaned in utter pain, clutching his head and grabbing at his hair. The eight month pregnant man lay on side in bed as Naruto walked in with herbal tea.

"I'm here, babe." The blond sat upon the bed and pulled Sasuke against him. He blew over the jumpy surface of the tea and placed it next to his husband's mouth. "Open." He whispered.

Sasuke drank the tea slowly and Naruto waited patiently. He moaned then, less in pain and more in pleasure.

"You alright?"

Sasuke sniffed his mucus, making his husband laugh quietly and kissed his head. "I'm feeling better already. I'm sorry that I ruined our trip."

Naruto looked outside at the beautiful snow falling. They were destined to attend Mifune's village for the beauty and their honeymoon. Sasuke's pregnancy symptoms jumped from the sky and the man had body aches as if he shared them with the world.

His teeth were breaking, gums were bleeding, and he had leg cramps. But Naruto was fine with that because Sasuke was safe and alive and with him.

He kissed Sasuke. "Don't say that. You didn't ruin anything. This is the best thing ever.'

"Compared to what?" the raven asked in a teasing manner, sneezing afterward.

"Compared to marrying some hot guy a month ago."

Sasuke laughed lightly and then groaned as a pain seared through his head. Naruto once again placed the tea near his mouth.

When he was done, the man leaned back. "Naruto, can you tell me about your trials again?"

"I told you yesterday." the blond mumbled. He would surely do anything for Sasuke, but he never told Sasuke that those trials were the hardest things to get by.

He'd seen real murder, real molestation, and real death, but the worst things were the nightmares that kept coming back to him. He was afraid of those trials and frankly he hoped the elders met Chi in a fury. He hoped he could one day kill them in their next lives. But that was another story.

Sasuke blushed deeply, embarrassed at his own pregnancy symptoms. "I'm sorry. I keep forgetting some parts."

"Don't be sorry for something you can't control. Besides, there are parts I haven't told you yet."

Naruto remained silent for a moment, listening to the steady breaths of Sasuke, knowing that would be the only thing to keep him sane in these moments.

"I was beaten five times a day for my own thoughts by a stimulation of Haruto. If I thought about home, I was beat with a metal stick. If I thought about leading the village, beat. Thought about saving lives, beat. They said my mind was clever, but Haruto's stimulation was ordered to beat me to show me that definitions belonged to the definers, not the defined.

They touched me again. But what hurt me the most was when they touched you.'

"Me?"

Naruto sighed. "Yeah. And I was trapped. My jutsus weren't working. I was doing nothing. I let them put themselves inside you. Your mouth….everything."

Naruto gagged as the images sprang into to action. Blood leaping from Sasuke's bottom as those men moved in and out, out and in of him. He wanted to die. Oh, how he wanted so badly to die right there.

He wanted to kill Sasuke so that he wouldn't have to look at him when they were done. So the images would stop.

Sasuke screamed and screamed for Naruto. But the blond watched and watched.

They had flipped Sasuke over and pushed harder. Their sake tongues licked at his skin, stubby fingers curled in his hair. Every time Sasuke closed his eyes, they bashed his head backward onto the concrete demanding he open them.

He didn't want to. Naruto could tell. Both closed their eyes over and over, anything rather than watch their faces light up with power and lust.

"And then they killed you." Naruto whispered, his tears dripping onto Sasuke's head.

The men had become angry, their forces less controlled in bashing Sasuke's head, until finally blood ran from the back of the raven's head onto the ground and his head lolled like a doll. The men were finished anyway. They laughed and congratulated one another. They snorted and whispered close to Sasuke's ears.

"'Dead's better anyway' is what that said. 'Nice ride.'" Naruto inhaled and exhaled sharply, the room closing in on him.

And for an odd reason, he wanted Chi. He wanted her to hug him and tell him everything would be alright. But a God didn't play favoritism. Naruto would have to wait until death to be comforted once again.

"You don't have to talk about anymore. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I just….I saw a lot and I don't think I'll ever get over it. Itachi hung himself, you were raped, Gaara had been murdered by a whole army...and Neko. Neko was kidnapped and cut into small pieces, Sasuke. I…"

The man gasped and inhaled. It was hard to breath. It was hard to do anything. "Gaara. They stabbed him and burned him alive…"

Sasuke turned and grabbed hold of Naruto's face. "Look at me. You're here. I'm here."

It had taken some time, but Naruto had finally calmed in his breathing. He wanted to disappear, embarrassed and sweaty. It was steaming in the cool of winter and Naruto called it an anxiety attack. It was the devil's confusion. He looked good as long as he felt bad on the inside.

With him, he carried the weight of the sky. The whole atmosphere. The humidity, the monsoons, the stink of fungus and decay. He carried gravity and everything was heavy.

Which made him wonder. Was he ready to raise a life and fix a broken one?

"Some things you forget. Other things you never do. Places...places are still there. If a house burns down, it's gone, but the place-the picture of it-stays, and not just in my memory, but out there, in the world. What I remember is a picture floating around out there outside my head. I mean, even if I don't think if, even if I die, the picture of what I did, or knew, or saw is still out there. Right in the place where it happened. I can't go back, Sasuke. They can't make me go back."

"You'll forget someday, Dobe. I promise." Sasuke whispered soothingly, still staring directly into the blond's eyes. Sasuke remained there; his knees to the bed, his hands on both sides of a tan jaw. Until he really knew Naruto had a mind.

Naruto heaved. How could he be ready to be a father? If he saw something while holding his son or daughter, would he kill them out of instinctual fear? Would he even look his child in the eye? Or would the past get too strong and move him onto the couch, where he would stare stare stare at the wall thinking about what happened to him.

The murder, the molestation, the loss, the hatred. It would consume him and the blond didn't want to fall into that again. He remembered his father's words about Naruto being a hero….a saint...a God...whatever the fuck the world wanted to call it.

A hero has to know when to die. Prolonged life has ruined more men then it has ever created.

It was only when Sasuke fell asleep that the blond placed a note next to his head and left. He didn't run, he just left. But he'd be back...In an hour or so, He'd be back.

He ran into Temari on his way out. Her head turned at him. If not for the forest in her eyes, he would not have recognized her much. The hair upon her head was becoming longer.

And there was no reason for hokages to travel anymore since the damned world was so at peace.

"Naruto...is that you?" Her eyes scanned the robes he had on and the hat in his hand. Yeah, she thought. Hokage...that was him.

"What's left." He murmured loud enough for her to hear. He wondered if she'd come all the way to Konoha to see Haku or Zabuza.

The Kazekage opened her robe to show a bottle of sake. "Well hell. Don't just stand there. I didn't come all the way to Konoha for a villager. I came to relax with the hokage."

The blond smiled and hopped down.

It scared him.

As the days drew near and near, Naruto realized that fear was consuming him.

It locked onto what he loved most and made him terrified of loss of love. It taunted him that the harder he loved now, the more pain and trauma there would be later on. It cut off from love. In this state of fear, he was easy prey to hate, greed, anger, loneliness, despair.

His husband was sleeping in the house and Temari was in the village, so Naruto deemed it necessary to give his burdens to Temari.

The man drank his sake twice. One for the guilt of not being able to tell his true best friend his fear and another for not not being home when Sasuke was already due.

"I don't know. I thought I'd be ready because I took care of Gaara. But it scares me, Mar. It fucking scares me. I've done so much wrong in my life and I've lost my own father so early…"

The man trailed off. That was the thing about his fear was odd. It was different from everyone else's because his were real. Everyone else had become scared of things they had yet to experience. In misfortune, Naruto had a chance to experience his own.

The scars upon his body that Kurama could not heal told him that. The seals for every beast told him that. The distinct smell of semen and lust, even when not present, told him that.

He felt like a horrible person and he knew the child within Sasuke would hate him. What would they ask. Isn't your father the grandson of the devil? Didn't your father get touched? Did the village once hate him?

And they would hate the child too.

Temari, beyond her limit, slurred. Naruto held patience. The woman spoke wonders when under the influence. He would know.

"Fear's the reason the world is the way it is, fear that Chi won't not love you if you follow the wrong set of rules. It's all bullshit. if Chi is Love, then the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

You're fucked up right now, N. You feel love and the connection with the divine is lost. Think about making your child's life as perfect as yours."

Naruto's teeth bared. More at the fact that the sake did nothing to drown his mind. Temari was wonderful at the game.

"That's the thing; it's not perfect."

And he was right. His story wasn't supposed to be moral. He wasn't supposed to be a saint. He wasn't supposed to fix the world.

His story was never supposed to be moral. It didn't instruct, nor encourage virtue, nor suggest models of proper human behavior, nor restrain men from doing the things men had always done.

If his story seemed moral, no one was supposed to believe it. If his story made them feel uplifted, or if they felt that some small bit of rectitude had been salvaged, then they'd been made victim to a terrible lie. There was no rectitude whatsoever. No morals and no virtue.

"Naruto-sama!"

The blond and Temari ceased in their solemn behavior, turning to find a small boy waving his hand in the air.

When he was sure he'd gotten their attention, the boy inhaled. "It's Namikaze-san! He's having the child. Miss Sakura told me to tell you!"

Naruto cursed and thanked the boy graciously, standing in a heap, embarrassed and afraid.

"Single Movement Technique."

Just as the hole was formed, a soft hand grabbed hold of his shoulder. His eyes met the Kazekage's as she smiled a soft one. "Just breath, Naruto." She calmly spoke.

The man nodded and stepped in, moving quickly to the Konoha hospital.

The hospital was in a sort of eager chaos. Medic nins and civilians ran around, happy and eager to see how their hokage's child.

When, Naruto walked in, it grew quiet. As if he'd used power to remove all the sound. The silence was not one of fear, but of awe.

No one moved. No one directed him to Sasuke's room. And had it not been for the ANBU that stood outside of a closed door, the Namikaze would have fled. Beyond that door was Sasuke Namikaze. And beyond that was a child, ready to feel the sting of both winter and the world.

Naruto nodded, keeping a straight face as he walked to the door, his shoes creating music. When the man reached the door, he nodded at the ANBU and whispered in a low tone. "Thank you, Haku. You can go now. Temari is here in the village and a bit under the influence."

He could see the smiled behind the mask as Haku nodded and dispersed.

When Naruto opened the door, its creaking noise brought a chill to his spine. It sounded like some dying animal, crying out its pain and sorrow with its last breath.

Sasuke lay upon the bed and the blond cringed inwardly. The child would come out the same way it went in, but that wasn't what scared him as his took Tsunade's place at the end of the bed.

He'd practiced this thousands of times with the women. He'd done things perfectly and today he would be the one delivering his child.

It didn't mean he was ready.

Placing on gloves and moving his hands underneath the blanket, the man inhaled. Sasuke was ready.

He looked at his husband. Pained expression, sweaty hair, and teary eyes. "Push for me, Sasuke."

With each contraction came a pain that dominated Sasuke's entire being. In those moments, for those seconds that stretched into infinity, there was nothing else. He could hear screaming from other rooms, yet he made no sound at all.

When the pain passed, it was only for a minute or so and he breathed with closed eyes, unwilling to re-engage with life outside of his own body. The room might as well have been empty for all the awareness he had. and when they did talk, touch, gain his attention, he found it so hard.

To reply, he had to find himself from the deepest recess of his own mind and drag himself forward, to use his voice, open his eyes.

Naruto, looking scared as hell, was telling him that is was time, time to push.

With a guttural grunt, he did so and was told to stop, one was enough. He felt the baby crowning, the hot stretching of flesh and held his breath. Without any further, effort the baby slid into the hands of Naruto.

There was elation, a boy at last, and in seconds he was there, nascent eyes opening, mouth rooting for milk.

Sasuke nearly laid his head back had it not been for the fear that crossed his husband's face as he grabbed hold of the baby boy.

The blond shuddered involuntarily and the images that sprang into action were dominating him. He remembered having a family.

The blond stirred in the rough canvas, shivering in the October evening. After life in the womb, the air felt cold.

He couldn't smell his mother anymore and the warm arms that had held him only moments before were gone. He kicked his legs out in search of something reassuring.

Instead, the swaddling gave way.

He panicked; screamed in a way that was heart rendering for all in earshot, but especially for the man in his room, hiding by the door. Watching and waiting.

He could hear the voices. The soft and the firm.

"Pick him up, Minato. He's not going to kill you. You've never held him. And he's been here for a week."

Then the firm. "I….I can't."

"What's wrong with you? We've been through three of these little brats and the fourth one, you can't hold?"

"His chakra….it's so. He has the fox." It was a quiet whisper, but even then Naruto knew the curiosity. The fear Minato held of not being good enough for his newest addition.

Tsunade carefully grabbed the newborn from Naruto's shaking arms. The blond stepped back, feeling defeated and Sasuke wanted to cry.

"Come here." He whispered.

The loud baby was still sobbing loudly and Sasuke nodded to Tsunade, giving her permission to clean him in another room.

Naruto trudged to Sasuke's side silently, plopping down on the chair in defeat. "I'm not an ax, Sasuke." He sobbed, laying his head on the bed. "Chopping, hacking, busting every minute of the day. Things get to me. Things I can't chop down because they're inside."

Sasuke played softly with the blond locks. "I know who and what you are. I know what you've seen, but Naruto….you have to do this. Not just for me, but for you. You are the strongest person I know. You've seen ravage and you're still standing."

"I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll do this right or if he'll like me. I just…"

"Shhh." Sasuke felt very sad. It was very sad. The things Naruto carried. The things he did or felt he had to do. "Do you remember what you told me on our wedding day? You said 'you're the best thing, Sasuke. Yes you are. You are.'"

Naruto laughed between his sobs, knowing Sasuke was going to make him feel better.

"Well you're the best thing too. Anytime, your thrust into a situation, you come from it stronger than ever. No matter what your traumas does to you. And you make things look better. I don't care what you've gone through. But I know that the best father of my child is my husband. And he's not some damn pansy, I told you that."

Naruto laughed and kissed Sasuke's hand. "Okay, Sas. I'll try. For the child, I'll try."

Naruto watched in utter silence as Sasuke played with the newborn child. Even when not crying, the baby was loud.

He always made noises as if he were yelling.

Naruto smiled faintly as Sasuke held the loud child close to his bare chest with his single arm.

"I'll describe him as as frenetic and fractious. It seems like he was born with a hurricane for a soul." But he said it in a loving way with that soft glow in his eyes that only a child bearer could have for such difficult offspring.

He rocked the baby softly and stroked his tiny back and soft hair. "I'm going to love the hurricane right out of this child and replace it with a sweet summer breeze because above all, he's my baby, and I already love him with a power mightier than the wind."

Naruto smiled softly. Sasuke was so lovely, his words and thoughts portraying how beautiful he truly was.

"Naruto. You know you have to hold him. He's too young to hate you and he never will."

The blond nodded sharply and scooted upward. Like every other fear, he was going to live through this one.

He'd chosen the most perfect memory of his father and clung to it for this moment.

Naruto choose it because in that moment, Minato was the person he should have been, would have been, had it not been for the stress of life. In that snapshot, his unwarped personality was something so golden and sacred, Naruto wanted to keep it forever.

He was four, on the back lawn of their house. Minato was laughing, relaxed after cutting the lawn. He asked Naruto if the boy had wanted a piggy back ride and Naruto agreed.

The garden turned into a green blur. Naruto was flying- flying until his father could spin no more. The memory had no smells or weather, other than a lack of rain. The garden was in fine detail: the crab apple tree, the buses, the weeds in the flower beds. But the finest detail was Minato's face, creased with love and joy.

The baby was placed into his arms, crying loudly as he was ripped from the beautiful sound of Sasuke's beating heart. Naruto wanted to laugh. He'd only been here for a few hours and he was already Sasuke's number one fan.

However, just as he lay in Naruto's arms, his brighter blue eyes widened. Naruto wondered if the baby could see his tailed beasts or his past or even his thoughts. He wanted to know how connected they were.

"Does he have a name yet?" He murmured, still holding his gaze to the child's equally perplexed one.

Sasuke shrugged. 'I like Boruto. It's wonderful and perfect for him."

Naruto gaped, but still did not take his eyes from Boruto. He would not lose to the baby.

"I'm sorry for running...to the both of you. I was a coward and I didn't want to be."

"I'm not angry. I know that you needed me more than anything in that moment. You were quiet as the days grew closer and closer."

Boruto blabbered a few words no one understood. His eyes remained on Naruto.

Cautiously afraid the boy would flinch, the man put hit hand up. The tiny fingers curled around his pinky.

He watched the newborn peer with brand new eyes at what must be strange after life in the womb. Boruto's legs kicked in tiny jagged motions, looking for the resistance they were used to. Naruto wondered if it was unsettling or a relief, it must have been pretty cramped in there. When Boruto stretches, his hands barely rise above his head and Naruto thinks of how strange they'd all look if they kept those body proportions as they grew.

Naruto's eyes filled with tears as Boruto smiled. "Hi." He said hoarsely. The child giggled and grabbed at him.

On that day, Boruto had been welcomed into the wide arms of his father, who made it to the present with an unstable mind. Who had decided that because life had busted his legs, head, back, eyes, hands, mind, and tongue, he had nothing left to make a living with but his heart-which he took to work at once.

The next chapter will be more about Boruto than Naruto. I wanted the readers to know how much Naruto's life had become a trauma for him.