this was supposed to be a filler chapter. it's sort of developed into something more...
inquiry to any comments on last chapter:
FairyRave: this comment made me smile so, so much. i don't think i got tired of reading it.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Another four months seemed to flitter past mindlessly through Fred's head.
Fred watched Percy start to colour code the stains, grimes and growing fungi on Fred and George's flat.
Fred would lie if he said that he didn't beam up when he randomly stepped on a small piece of parchment that was spello-taped to a brown stain on their green (who bloody knew it was green? Godric, Percy cleaned up well!) carpet reading 'I surely hope that this is chocolate'.
("What are you smiling about?" Percy would say when he caught Fred looking down at the crumbled note that resided on their carpet. "This is not a joke!")
Throughout the whole of August, this practice began to escalate. Percy was taping notes everywhere, detailing a clear list of demands so that they could 'enrich' the living experience in Fred and George's flat. Percy insisted that he only used these notes as a cautionary measure 'just in case he forgot about his comments regarding subpar qualities about the flat'—like Percy would ever forget! He had the memory of a manticore! In fact, Fred was convinced that nine-year-old Percy hadn't forgiven the twins for putting doxy eggs in his piping hot honey porridge and telling him that they were just dried blueberries.)
There was a dozen notes in the bathroom: 'the smells coming out of this toilet could knock out a Common Welsh Green', 'Audrey's bras are not hung round the bathroom for you to stuff itching powder into' (Fred and George wondered how Percy knew about Audrey's itchy bra) and the most recent one: 'when I take a shower in this depressing bathroom, I somehow become filthier. Fix this before I somehow morph into one of your portable swamps!'
Not to mention that there were more of those little buggers in the kitchen than there was food.
George's favourite was 'I suppose mum should knit a sweater for this giant ball of fuzz living in the cupboard'. Fred's favourite was a note stapled on to a bag of premium doxy eggs with DRIED BLUEBERRIES written on top.
The funniest thing happened on the eleventh of August when poor little Lucy accidentally took a handful of them and crunched them. She actually liked them! Audrey was in ruins when she found out ("Percy, I will marry you just to divorce you! I will take half of everything you ever owned!" was her threat), whilst Lucy continued to attempt to sneak some into her morning porridge. Audrey attempted to investigate if there was any percentage of Lucy that was even slightly Bowtruckle-like but came up short. Meanwhile, Percy pretended not to note Lucy hiding underneath the table whilst they were having breakfast, insisting that she just had liquorice in her porridge and there were no doxy eggs to be found there!
(Audrey's argument to why Lucy shouldn't have doxy eggs went something like, "This is not good for your stomach! If you eat too much of this, you'll get a stomach ache!" whereas Percy's comment went something like, "Do you know how much doxy eggs cost?" Fred and George thought it was very Arthur-like. Of course, they did not say this comment in fear that Percy would have a mental breakdown. Literally.)
There were a few notes in Fred and George's bedroom, mostly with statements like: 'I know you both stay up late. George, there is no reason for why a grown man such as yourself should to decide to fall asleep at two in the morning' and 'how could you wear these underpants? I'm having them sterilised next week!'
On the fifteenth of August, Percy pinned a note on top of his bed. Fred caught a sight of on it and had nearly laughed himself to death: 'clean this mess! There are so many parchment paper notes in this flat that an owl cried when he walked into this room! Fix it fix it FIX IT!'
Percy had been talking for days on how if he found asbestos in the flat, then he was going to burn it all down and he didn't care at all about the fact that sending that many fireworks into the sky couldn't be all that safe (Fred and George were sure that this was the Slytherin in Percy talking.)
After this, Fred and George created a new line of products called Prefectly Parchment Paper—"Parchment Paper to Nag You About The Rubbish That You Don't Want to Do!" (Now with 372 clever phrases from a stuck-up arse!). Percy did not appreciate that he had his own product and insisted that he did not sound like a smug, perfection-driven bastard. Audrey thought that they were accurate and especially liked it that they'd separated them into neat piles with specific colour-coded headlines. They also had one section entirely for Percy-like motivational speech (i.e. 'you loathe yourself for things that you should be doing and yet refuse to do them! How am I supposed to sympathise with you exactly?')
ON the twenty-first of August, Percy insisted that whatever they do, they do not celebrate his birthday.
On the twenty-second of August, Fred and George woke a sleeping Percy exactly at midnight by throwing a banoffee cheesecake on his face. Percy complained about this action, but that didn't stop him from licking toffee off his horn-rimmed glasses. A Percy that wasn't used to stomaching more than a few pasties (washed down with pumpkin juice, tea and coffee of course) a day had decided that consuming a whole cheesecake was a very smart thing to do. He then spent most of the day gripping onto his stomach and stating that he felt like he might pass a kidney stone. Audrey reminded him that nobody told him to consume a whole cake and three pasties and two doughnuts and five Honeydukes' chocolate bars...
By the fourth of September, Percy had cleaned out everything in their flat—including the pantry. By this point, Percy had regained his normal appetite and was consuming three meals a day.
By the fifth of September, Percy announced that he'd put on a stone since his birthday. Audrey wondered how someone could put on a stone and look virtually the same. Fred had gently (and kindly) reminded Audrey that the Percy's newly found weight gain was all in his big, thick head.
By the twenty-eighth of September, Percy could be found teaching Lucy chess. The best part was Percy's irritation afterwards as he stormed into Fred and George's room, huffing: "This is just like what happened with Ron! I taught him how to play chess and he got better than me in the span of five minutes!"
Only an hour later did his irritation wear off because Fred and George found him sat by the kitchen counter, writing out details on how he was going to go back to Hogwarts to finish off his education but not before she got her Hogwarts' letter because he was going to make sure that she didn't snog any boys before the age of seventeen. This was followed by a three-hour-lecture relating to how Lucy should prepare for Hogwarts, despite the fact that she wouldn't be in Hogwarts for another three years.
Fred and George were interested in Audrey's reply to Percy-being-more-fatherly-towards-Lucy situation. She insisted that "they just might've properly decided to go out recently" and that "I think Percy and I have come to the conclusion that we seem to harbour feelings for each other that are strong enough that we can't seem to think of being with anyone else and that us properly getting back together was going to happen eventually—so why not now?"
Fred and George were more interested in what Audrey really meant when she said 'properly go out.'
BY the seventh of October, Fred and George had found Audrey sat on the couch whilst Percy had taken Lucy out for a bit of a walk.
The brown-haired girl was sobbing mindlessly and kept on mumbling about how Molly was going to bloody kill her when she found out. The whole thing was wetter than a jar of Weasley's Wet Weather. Fred and George were going to go call someone that knew how to deal with female emotions (not Percy) but Audrey's sobs had gotten louder and they couldn't move without feeling a heaviness starting to form in their chests.
"It isn't as bad as you think it is!" Fred had insisted, wrapping his arms around Audrey but trying not to be very close to her because she was Percy's lass after all. "It never is!"
"I'm—I'm—"Audrey tried to choke out.
"Come on!" George tried to encourage her, unsuccessfully. "Kneazle got your tongue?"
"I'm pregnant! I have been for a month now!" Audrey said, sniffling away. Fred and George took a look over at each other and Fred didn't have to hear George speak to know that he was thinking the same exact thing: was it alright to break down in tears in front of a crying pregnant woman instead of consoling her?
"Well, I-I-" George's voice was shaky. "Wait, Percy's?"
"Who else do you think it is?" Audrey replied back acerbically, trying to wipe away tears from her warm brown eyes. She continued sniffling, her eyes puffy and red. "I've not been out of this flat for months because Percy hadn't!"
"Well, you had no problem keeping yourselves entertained... blimey! In our flat?" George mumbled.
"Wait a minute...three months ago, you didn't want to be in a proper relationship with him because you were afraid of how mucked up in the head he is—and he still is. Just last night, he'd been throwing away cutlery again because he's been dreaming of stabbing himself with it!—and now, you're telling me not only have you shagged our brother, but you two shagged and didn't use protection potions? Our Percy didn't remind you?" Fred called out incredulously. "Did you forget that our father had seven of us?"
"It was a spur of a moment decision!" Audrey exclaimed. "Well, decisions, but given the fact that when I had Lucy, I had to use fertility potions and I had to shag my ex boyfriend around the clock to even—"
"Our father had seven of us!" Fred and George repeated.
Audrey rolled her eyes. "I thought you were supposed to tell me that it's not my fault!" she exclaimed. "How in Merlin's name am I going to tell Percy? What about the rest of your family? Oh, and Percy. He can't take care of himself; much less take care of another human being! And what about Ares? I don't fancy having another baby, only to have Percy send us into the third wizarding war! He's supposed to focus on getting sane enough to fight a Greek God, not perfecting his nappy changing techniques!"
"Like I said, our father had seven of us—" Fred reminded her for the third time round.
George cut him off, "—so Percy has already perfected his nappy changing technique."
This did not console her.
When Percy came back home later on that night to console Audrey, she threw pillows at him and called him a bastard. When he asked why, she didn't reply and instead, kept on insisting that he was a bastard. Whenever he attempted to approach her again, she nearly made his glasses a permanent part of his anatomy.
Fred and George thought this behaviour would subside but it had only gotten worse in the past few weeks.
Percy had come to wonder what in Merlin's name he'd done wrong.
Fred and George only replied by, "Percy, Percy, Percy, you're a prefect, remember? You don't do anything wrong!" Percy seriously nodded his head in agreement. It somehow went past his head that the twins had been only joking. He had decided to investigate possible reasons for Audrey's terrifying mood by reading a book about female behaviourisms and psychology because it wasn't anything he'd done wrong.
Needless to say, when Audrey found out, she nearly skinned him alive.
BY the thirteenth of October, Audrey had yet to tell Percy about her pregnancy.
Meanwhile, Percy had set up a Gringott's account for Lucy and insisted that they invest into her future now. Audrey rolled her eyes and then reminded him that instead of trying to think of what to do for Lucy's future, he should be devising and reviewing his plans for preventing a Greek God from destroying the universe. Percy insisted that it was more important to start a savings' account now because if the end of the world did happen, Lucy would surely need money. Lucy agreed that she did need money—a lot of money.
She also insisted that she needed a broomstick before she turned nine.
ON Halloween, Fred dressed up like George and George dressed up like Fred.
ON the twelfth of November, Fred and George had planned on meeting up with Lee, Alicia, Katie Bell and Angelina for lunch. They'd taken Lucy along with them, and they played Exploding Snap until they were nearly kicked out of the restaurant for 'disrupting the premises' by being... happy.
Fred kept on noticing the way that George and Angelina were making goggly eyes over at each other when they thought nobody was looking and it left him feeling... empty. George hadn't even told him that he'd liked Angelina yet but those two had made it quite blatantly obvious that there were seconds away from tying the knot right then and there!
Months ago, when George lost his ear, they'd had a talk about it, and then another one—and then there were so many talks that Fred had decided to leave them alone because those two could go on for hours, talking about things that Fred had as much interest in as he did in their Charms homework!
It was funny that George even had topics that Fred wasn't interested in.
Apparently, George liked Astronomy. Fred knew that he did, but he didn't know that he liked it enough to hide under the sheets at three in the morning to read magazines dedicated to just a bunch of white dots in the sky. Fred knew that George used to do all their Astronomy homework and didn't seem to have a problem with it, but to like it enough to map out star sheets for fun. Merlin, his own twin wasn't any better than Percy. Fred was about to disown George until he used his power for good use and decided to make accurate lunar prediction charts for Bill, whom had turned into a rabid bastard when the full moon was in wake. He once apparated into the flat randomly and smashed a whole wall in with his bare hands.
(Godric, if Percy still found it difficult to talk to George because of his missing ear—and George wore a hat most times, then Fred didn't even want to figure out what in Merlin's name he'd do if he'd caught sight of Bill's face. And the fact that he had a wife and she was pregnant? Oh well, maybe she could share baby tips with Audrey... whom Percy did not know had one in the sack, even though she'd been rapidly putting it on. Percy might look to Bill for advice, you know, when it wasn't the full moon...)
Enough Bill talk. The bastard hadn't given back the Galleon that he borrowed from Fred two days ago anyway! Back to George and Angelina—it hurt.
It really hurt.
Fred had always liked Angelina... he took her to the Yule Ball for Merlin's sake! Truth be told, Fred and George were so alike that it wasn't even shocking that they've somehow developed feelings for the same lass.
He looked back at George, noticing the light brimming in his eyes and decided to be the better twin (well, he was always the better twin) and just let George have her... but if George started to plan a proposal with stars in mind instead of one big elaborate prank, then Fred was disowning him.
FRED, George and Lucy came back home much earlier than they'd expected.
Whilst Lucy had decided to take a kip on their couch, Fred and George nipped into the kitchen for a cuppa, only to notice that a nude Audrey pressed up against the fridge and Percy using his arms to shield her body away almost immediately afterwards, shooting an irritated glance at them. He Accio-ed a blanket and turned to put on his underpants... the choice of which hadn't changed since he was about ten.
"What are you angry about?" Fred echoed. "That's our fridge you're shagging her up against!"
"Perce, that better be milk on the floor," was George's only reply.
Percy had somehow dressed himself back up in seconds, whilst Audrey clutched tightly round the blanket, hiding back her body as if Fred hadn't had it seared into his cerebral cortex. Fred's eyes were on her belly, which was starting to soften and very slightly protruding. It looked like she'd just had a massive Indian yesterday (and she did. Blimey. He didn't know one woman could eat so much!)
"Well, it's not whatever you think it is! I don't know what kind of diseased knob you have, but that bodily fluid isn't solid at room temperature!" Percy huffed coldly, waving his arms around in discontentment. "And it's only your milk that's this solid and that's only because of the fact that you've bought this carton in 1995. I'm not sure what joke product requires fossilised milk and I'm not sure I want to know!"
"Well, fluff up your hair, 'cause we're taking you out to buy new robes!" Fred exclaimed.
"What?" the colour from Percy's face drained immensely. "Leave this flat? Are you insane? Where everyone else can see me? Where I can run into anyone and they might even recognise me?"
"Percy, you've not been out of this flat since you've been in!" George expressed, shaking his head. "I'm not sure about you, but that doesn't sound very healthy! And you're supposed to be getting better. How can you get any better if you've confined yourself to the flat like they've confined you to that ruddy ward?"
"I am getting better!" Percy argued. "I do not confine myself. I just prefer not to leave this flat."
Audrey glared at him, and grabbed his arm, rolling up the sleeve of his shirt to show off the bright red, angry cuts littering underneath. Fred's stomach coiled when he caught sight of them. There weren't that many last night and there certainly weren't that many three days ago! "Then what are these, Percival? Surely not a sign of you recovering from the muck that's in your head now, is it? And it is not a sign of you going bloody insane because of your insistence on secluding yourself from everyone else, is it?"
Percy looked away. "I've had a few bad nights! I've not tried to kill myself for a month! I am simply trying to inflict bodily harm on myself without leaving permanent damage. That is progress."
"No, it's not!" Fred and George exclaimed.
Percy's eyes darkened. "Well, I suppose I'll just kill myself because there's no difference between harming myself and articulately planning out my death to the letter," he muttered acerbically.
"Don't even bloody joke about that," Audrey hissed at him.
"I wasn't," Percy said, his arms crossed over his chest. "I—"
"Go put on your robes!" Audrey exclaimed. "And go outside. I bet that you're extremely Vitamin D deficient and that cannot be helping your bloody depression!"
"I am not depressed!" Percy exclaimed, stomping out of the kitchen.
The minute that Percy was out of the kitchen, Audrey's face softened up dramatically. "Do you think we're being too hard on him?" she asked in a low voice. "Maybe this might be too much for him—"
"If he stays in here, he'll do what he's always done," Fred and George argued.
"He has to leave this ruddy flat," Fred expressed. His tone sounded definite and certain. "We're just going to Diagon Alley. Merlin, we're taking him to Twilfitt and Tatting's to have a look at their dress robes! We're not buying anything since half of one of these robes cost three months' worth of our rent but we won't accidentally bump into anyone we know there. Especially not anyone from our family."
"You should tell him," George suddenly said. "You shouldn't be worrying about this outing as much as—"
"I can't!" Audrey exclaimed. "I'm not sure if you've noticed that he's absolutely bonkers—"
"—you're the one that shagged him without protection," Fred reminded her, before he then added on, "And you're the one that's decided to be in a relationship with him when he's bonkers. This was always a possibility and you don't know what could happen. This could—"
"—make him want to get better," George cut Fred off. "If my girlfriend was having a baby and I was off me bloody rocker, then that would surely make me want to get better!"
Fred felt something slam in his heart as thoughts of Angelina and George came to his mind. He pushed them away because he'll talk to George about this later. The whole room went silence as Percy suddenly emerged, wearing old robes that still smelled like his Hogwarts books. He'd taken time to flatten his already magically-flattened hair (George and Fred had flattened it for him on his request as Audrey refused to give Percy his wand.) He looked so tidied and pressed up, Fred wondered if Percy thought he was taking him to a highly elite shop where nobody but stuck up blokes like him shopped—oh wait.
"Percy," Audrey walked over to him and straightened up his robes. Fred didn't even know that that was possible. "When you come back, we'll have a little talk."
"Now, that doesn't make me anxious at all," Percy commented.
"I'm not breaking up with you, you dolt," Audrey snapped at him, only for Percy to smile back at her and then gave her a nod of his head. He still looked very apprehensive. "Enjoy your time out now."
"I won't," Percy mumbled, turning to look at the twins.
FRED apparated them to the shop and Percy spent a good hour just looking through the shop. He attempted not to look at the price tag, but he failed in doing so. It was the first thing he looked at. Fred didn't know that Percy's freckles could pale until then. It took him a good seven minutes before he started ranting on about the high cost. That was a good ten minute lecture and was followed by fifteen minutes of Percy appreciating the good-quality fabric. He insisted that it was so soft that he bet that he would feel like he wasn't wearing anything if he slipped it on. Fred told Percy that it wouldn't bode well with the ex-prefect... if Percy felt like he was nude; he'd probably have a breakdown and then cover himself with blankets.
Percy rolled his eyes and mentioned that he'd been in the nude many times if he'd drunken enough firewhiskey. Fred and George laughed, and Percy realised what he'd just said and blushed so deeply that he matched the good quality beetroot-coloured fabric behind him.
Percy couldn't take it anymore and decided to try on one of the robes even if he wasn't buying them.
As he was in the dressing room, Fred had been chuckling to himself about how Percy was easily swooned by anything that cost more than their father could afford in a lifetime. That was when Fred's heart stopped because in a little corner, he saw Molly standing beside Viola Flint, whom was flipping avidly through the clothes. Fred's heart was absolutely pounding when he also caught sight of Bill standing beside a heavily pregnant Fleur and a Charlie that had mirroring scars to Bill's.
Percy had walked out of the dressing room.
"What do you think?" he twirled round, oblivious to the redheads standing by the corner. He pulled up a section of the black fabric, mesmerised. "Godric, these are fit. If I ever get married, that is if I manage to save the universe from a Greek God, I'm wearing these dress robes! What are you two...?"
Percy caught sight of his redheads in the corner and his eyes went as wide as dinner plates.
"Perce, don't faint. It'll cause a scene and they will come over here," Fred warned, because Percy could definitely stop himself from falling unconscious at the sight of his family. "Percy? Percy?"
All the colour had disappeared from his face. "Is that Bill?" his voice was croaky. "And-and Charlie..."
"Percy," George placed a hand on his arm. "Percy, are you breathing, lad?"
"No," Percy said. "I'm perspiring in a pair of dress robes that cost more than anything I'll ever own."
He turned back to the dressing rooms and quickly changed back into his old robes. Fred was sure that if Percy had been in them any longer, he'd have to pay for them. He stuck them back in their place, and then turned to leave. He tried to place his head on his hands to hide his red hair, but Fred and George thought that not only did it make him look stupid, but he also somehow made his hair colour more prominent.
"Fred! George!" Bill's voice rang out. "What are you two doing here? I've not seen you for weeks!"
Fred's heart jolted and he turned to see that Percy had suddenly disappeared. Fred let out a sigh of relief as he was being squished into a great big hug by Bill, whom looked to be in good spirits—maybe Fleur gave him a little treat after dinner last night.
(Yes, that was a mutt joke and hey, it wasn't like Fred actually said it to Bill.)
Fred wrapped his arms around Bill's body, stiffening as he looked around for where Percy might've hidden. He found no sign of the bloke and being six foot tall, it wasn't exactly that easy for him to hide anyway. Fred turned around to look at George, whom had been squished by Charlie's embrace. George only gave a shrug.
"We came here to buy dress robes for George," Fred grinned wildly. "He's proposing to Angelina."
George's face turned white then. "What? How did you know?"
Fred's heart sank so hard into his chest that he actually felt like being sick. He knew that George and Angelina were doing something behind his back, but he didn't think that this something was so serious that they actually thought of tying the knot. "I was only joking."
"O-oh," George looked away from Fred.
Fred grabbed George by his shoulder and looked at him with a furious look. "You haven't even asked me if it's alright to date her, much less ask me for my permission to propose to her!"
"Your permission?" George looked like he was ready to claw Fred. "I need permission from you? Angelina doesn't belong to you! You asked her out to the Yule Ball ages ago and haven't mentioned her since! It's not my fault that you start drowsing off when she and I talk or you would've noticed ages ago that we'd been going out! What did you think I needed all that extra time off for?"
"Honestly?" Fred mumbled. "I thought you were wanking."
George's ears turned red. "You're a bastard, Fred. And nobody needs six hours off to wank."
"You started dating her six months ago and you're proposing to her now?" Fred exclaimed.
George's eye twitched. "Do you have some relationship advice for me, Freddy?"
"It's almost as bad as Audrey saying that she wanted to be in a relationship with Percy two months ago," Fred replied. "Even though she was busy worrying that he'd snuff it in. She's barely snogged him but decided that she should risk shagging the lunatic without protection and get herself knocked up in the process—"
"Do not talk about her like that," Percy's voice sounded out from behind him.
Fred turned around and saw that Percy was behind the counter, somehow decked in a Twilfitt and Tatting's uniform. Fred knew two things right then: a) Percy was very good at hiding and b) Percy and George were probably never talking to Fred ever again.