CHAPTER 8

"Let me ask you something..." Negan said from in the bathroom, it was just beginning to brighten up outside. "why did you get all...hmm whats the word for it... oh! bitchy to Mr Dixon yesterday? i know damn well you were lying straight through your teeth princess" he said shaving around his neck.

"i wasn't lying... the part where i said i cared about you wasnt a lie, none of it was... they see you as a villain, i dont...im not saying your a good guy negan...your a survivor...just like all of us...let me ask you something?" i said in almost a question. "knock your self out" he said leaning on the sink looking at me from the corner of his eye.

"your..."wives" ...what is-" he stopped me as he took a breath. "you wanna know about them? there my wives...not much to say about them. If i wanna fuck, if i wanna see titties, if i need a drink thats who i go to." My heart sunk a little bit...i did like negan...more than i wanted to admit, and knowing that he was with other women hurt...its not like i didnt know but i didnt wanna hear it from him...kind of like what you dont know wont hurt you i guess...

I didnt say anything i just sat there in silence as he finished in the bathroom, he walked out and sat on the bed next to me.

"you dont like that do you?" he said with a smirk. "Is somebody a little jealous?" said tilting his head so that he could look at me better.

i shook my head "im not...but what am I? I think i would know if i was one of your wives." i said in a hushed voice.

"and you are correct! you are not one of them...and you wont be." he said putting the conversation aside and trying to move on to something else. "why?..." i asked sitting up. Negan huffed loudly "that is none of your business" he said in a harsh tone.

"okay...im gonna go take a bath..." i whispered as i got up and walked into the bathroom, leaving Negan there with only his thoughts.

i turned on the water and before i could stop it a loud sob escaped my mouth, along with tears. i was tired... and at that moment i hated myself. I abondoned my family for a man that doesnt give a shit about me and honestly i cared way too much about him than i was comfortable with...

I was fighting a war with myself and i was so tired of it, my heart and my head were battling to the death...and honestly i couldnt tell which side i was on... my heart wanted merle...but it had a place for negan that was growing bigger by the day...and my head new it was the wrong thing but it was also telling me to just push it farther with him...and i wanted to so bad.

If i wanted to leave negan would let me...he wouldnt let me go home but i wouldnt have to be with him anymore...i had that option...but i didnt wanna take it.

at that moment i was letting my fears take over and the one thing i knew how to do came through. in the moment it seemed like the right thing to do and it had been so long...years... i dug around in the bathroom, my heart racing with fear as tears ran down my cheeks.

thats when i found it... a razor blade...it had been so long...

*flashback, these paragraphs are copied, word for word of the previous fanfiction this story is based off of, almost 4 years earlier*

i walked, all night.

I walked so much I thought my feet would fall off. I finally found myself in an old abandon parking lot of right aid. I was gonna keep going but I don't know where to, but I couldn't.

I fell to the ground crying, I didn't care who or what heard me. "G-god damn it!"

I looked up toward the sky, tears streaming down my face. "Why the fuck would you do this to me! Your supposed to be here and your not! Where the hell are you god!" I screamed falling down covering my face.

"I don't wanna be here!" I sat up and opened the bag pulling out a razor blade. "I-I can't take it anymore!" I struck the blade across my wrist over and over, hoping that it would take away the pain.

My arms dripped with my own blood onto the cement. It almost did nothing, I still felt the same.

I dug threw the bag and pulled out a bottle of pills. Not knowing what they were I dumped them into my hand and took them, immediately my head began to pound and I felt dizzy, but it still wasn't enough.

I reached in my bag once more to remove a loaded hand gun. I didn't think it would come down to this...ever. But I wanted to end it all, right here tonight...alone, that's how it was meant to be...

I looked at the gun 10 times over, shaking out of control. I took the gun off safety, with uneasy fingers. I then raised it to my head. This is it...

"Samantha! Put the fucking gun down!" I spun around to face Merle who was stepping out of the woods. "No! Just go away!" I screamed backing up. "Put it down now! Sam! If you don't ill-" I cut him off.

"You'll what!? Merle what will you do! I'm trying to take my own life! Just leave me alone! Go! Please! Why did you follow me!" I yelled. "Stop it! I love you! Your not leaving me damn it! I followed you because I love you! Now put it down!"

I shook my head and put my finger on the trigger "j-just go! Please!" I cried. Merle let out a nervous sigh "fine... If you do it I do it!" He said walking toward me pulling out his gun.

"Merle don't put this on me! Please! Don't do that! This is my choice! I don't want your blood on my hands!" Merle shook his head. "I won't be here with out you!" He took his gun off safety.

I wiped my eyes and blood smeared all over my face, Merle look at me then saw my arms and looked as if he were about to cry. "If you go I go..." He said. "But what about the baby!" I said

"you care about her Sam! And you know you do! You want her! N-now you don't have to do this!" He said.

I slowly lowered my gun, took it off safety and dropped it on the ground, I went with it.

Collapsing onto the ground crying Merle ran over and held me in his arms. "Y-you should have told me...you should ha-" Merle saw the empty bottle of pills "Sam! Throw them up! Now!" He pulled me up forcing me to stand, holding me so I couldnt get away from him. "I can't!" I screamed trying to get away from him. "Throw them up damnit!" He screamed grabbing my jaw forcing me to open my mouth. "Stop!" I screamed.

*present time*

"stop!" i screamed, tears running down my face.

i was sitting in the tub, full of hot water with the razor in my hand.

I looked up to meet negans conserned eyes, he had a grip on my arm that was holding the razor so tight it left a bruise.

"what the hell are you doing!" he screamed at me. I didnt say a word, sobs were the only sound that filled the air.

"y-your hurting me..." i said through the cries.

Thats when something changed...almost like someone had flipped a switch inside of him.

He loosened his grip on my wrist and looked my in the eyes. "can i have it..." he said quietly.

the razor fell to the floor, over the side of the tub, next to negan who was kneeling beside it.

he took a deep breath, and slid his hand from my wrist to my hand, gently taking it into his own. "what were you thinking..." he whispered confused. "i dont know...it was stupid.." he shook his head as he reached up to wipe a tear from my face "no really...what were you thinking?" this time it was a question...

"im just tired...of trying to do everything right for you and make you happy...but nothing is gonna make you care about me the way that i care about you...and you made that very clear out there...if im not one of them then what am i? im just a good fuck...thats all i-" he cut me off.

"your right...but not about that. your not one of them because i dont want you to be thrown around and treated like dog shit on my mother fuckin feet... yea...as much as i dont wanna say it... your not just a good fuck, if you were id make you one of them...your not like them...all of those women are whores and sluts..." he stopped to take a breath. "do you see me letting them near you? do they get to stay in my room? do i take them to see their families?... would i ever even consider sitting beside them while there crying in my bathtub, trying my mother fuckin best to make things seem okay?" he said squeezing my hand.

"hell no...its cuz i dont give a shit about them..."

Negan didnt have to say it because i knew what he was trying to say... he cared about me, he was never going to say it...but i knew thats what he ment...