Chapter 14.5 – The Crushing Truth

Brennan was staring off into space as she sat in one of the hard OR waiting room chairs. Booth had just been wheeled off to surgery ten minutes ago and they wouldn't let her be in the room with him. So there she was – blood stained hands, blood stained clothes – just waiting for the doctor to come out. She heard the doors open and looked up hopeful that it was an update on Booth, but knew rationally that it was way too soon for that. She watched as her team came rushing in, swooping in on her for information and comfort. Angela pushed through the group and rushed over to Brennan, taking everything in.

Brennan looked so pale, a little too pale. Her usual radiant blue eyes had become a dull lifeless grey. She looked so lost. And then she saw her blood stained hands and clothes. Angela sat down in the chair next to Brennan as Hodgins sat on the other side of her, the rest of the team sat in the seats in front of her. Angela sat there for a few minutes, waiting for Brennan to acknowledge them. When she didn't even move Angela touched her arm gently and just said, "Sweetie."

Brennan turned to look at her and Angela was shocked to see how much emotion had come to life in them. Before her eyes were grey and now they looked like a deep blue sapphire. "Oh, Bren I'm so sorry." She then engulfed her in her arms and just held her as she felt her shirt grow gradually wet from her tears. Brennan dared to whisper to her best friend so only she could hear it, "I'm scared Angela." That made Angela just hug her even tighter.

Brennan indulged herself in the warmth of her arms for a few more seconds before she pushed herself away and wiped away her tears away with the back of her forearm. She looked at the group around her and said softly, "I'm sorry."

Sweets jumped in and said, "Dr. Brennan, you don't have to be sorry for letting your emotions express themselves. We're all here for each other."

Brennan nodded her head slowly. She had already decided that she needed to regain her imperiousness at the moment. She needed to be strong. She took in a deep breath and brought up her walls as she told them, "Booth has been taken into surgery to repair the damage caused by the bullet. They estimate the surgery to last about two hours." She glanced up at the clock on the wall, not wanting to see Booth's blood on her hands. "I estimate we should get news within the next hour to hour and a half. The doctor seemed quite optimistic on the outcome." She nodded her head, willing it to be true.

Angela squeezed her arm and said softly, "Come on Bren, let me help you get cleaned up."

Brennan finally allowed herself to look down and she instantly grew pale. There was so much blood. She numbly nodded her head in agreement, allowing Angela to lead her to the bathroom.

~BONES~

They had let her use their showers to wash off all the blood and had given her some scrubs to wear instead of her dirty clothes, which Angela immediately threw away. Now Brennan was lying uncomfortably on her back in the OR waiting room chairs with her head in Angela's lap. She needed to feel some kind of warmth because she felt so cold inside. Angela slowly brushed her fingers through Brennan's hair over and over again, trying to comfort her the best way she could.

Angela thought to herself how tragic it was for Brennan and Booth's relationship to come to this. She herself just found out about there relationship and now this happens. Can't they get a break.

It had been over two hours since Booth was brought in and Brennan was starting to get nervous. Something deep within her – and Brennan thought immediately of her husband telling her that that would be her "gut" talking to her – told her that something had gone seriously wrong because this should be a simple surgery. She'd seen enough of them before on her trips around the world. A bullet retrieval, patching up any muscle and/or tissue damage and that should be it. But now it was past two hours and she just knew that something was wrong. She looked at the clock and saw that it had been three hours since they'd taken Booth into surgery.

Brennan looked up at her friend and whispered, "Ange?"

Angela looked down and tried to smiled at her, "Yeah Bren."

Tears instantly started to form as she spoke her worst fear aloud, "Something isn't right. We should have heard something by now."

Angela grew worried at Brennan's statement, because Brennan never said or did anything that wasn't rational. "Oh, sweetie…"

However she was cut off by a doctor coming though the doors and calling out, "Dr. Temperance Brennan-B…"

Brennan sat up immediately. One, trying to stop the doctor from announcing to everyone at a moment like this that she and Booth were married and two, she wanted to know what was going on with Booth. "That's me."

The doctor looked at the group looking at her eagerly. She had never been put in a position like this before, to actually lie to her patient's family and friends. His wife was going to be devastated. She put on her best face and introduced herself, "I'm Dr. Summers, I was one of the surgeons working on your…"

Brennan cut her off again, knowing which word was about to leave her lips, "How is Booth? Can I see him?"

Dr. Summers couldn't hide the sadness that came into her eyes and Brennan saw it immediately. "Temperance, can I speak with you alone?"

Angela got up about to say that they were all of his family when Brennan placed a hand on her arm to stop her, "It's okay Ange." She looked at the doctor and nodded her head, following her through the doors into a small hallway.

Dr. Summers waited for the thick wooden door to close behind them before she began the planned out speech she'd been given to tell her friends and…how did the FBI put it, partner. Although by her records, Temperance wasn't just Booth's partner, but his wife. However she didn't talk logistics with the men. She tweaked the speech a little as she went. "Temperance, when your par…husband came in we thought at first that the bullet had not done that much damage. Unfortunately, when we started to retrieve the bullet we saw how extensive the damage was. We found that the bullet had grazed Seeley's subclavian artery. We tried to stop the blood loss and repair the vessel, but there had already been a substantial amount of blood loss before he came in." Brennan looked at her and murmured a strangled, 'No', while the doctor continued, "I'm so sorry to tell you Temperance, but your husband didn't make it. We tried to save him, but we couldn't."

Brennan backed up against the wall behind her and slid down, finally allowing herself to just let go. If she had just this one moment to break down alone, she would take it. She brought her legs to her chest and rested her head against her knees, crying her heart and soul out silently.

Dr. Summers, for one, had never seen anyone react so strongly before. In her time as a surgeon, she's had to deliver bad news just like this. True people mourned for their loss, but with Temperance, it looked like she just lost her heart. Dr. Summers came up beside her and heard Brennan mumble, "I can't live without him. It hurts too much. It's not true."

In that moment the doctor's heart broke for the woman in front of her. She whispered, placing a comforting hand on her arm, "You'll be able to survive this. I can see that you're a strong woman. You'll make it through this. I know that for sure." After a moment, the tears started to lessen leaving her with only sniffles. Dr. Summers asked softly, "Would you like me to tell the rest of your friends the news?"

Brennan looked at her through red rimmed eyes and shook her head, "No, I should be the one to tell them." She shakily got up with the doctor's help and thanked her for being so kind to her. Brennan hesitated for a moment and then asked, "Can I see him? Please?" The doctor shook her head sadly, "I'm sorry, but we can't allow that." Brennan nodded numbly as she started to walk away. Dr. Summers watched as Brennan pushed open the door into the waiting room, her heart clenching in pure agony at the horrible lie she just inflicted on that family.

~BONES~

Everyone looked up at the sound of the door opening, hoping to see a relieved Brennan coming through them. However, what they saw shocked them to their core. Brennan stood before them, looking like a lost little girl and in that moment they all could imagine a fifteen year-old Brennan scared and alone in foster care. Angela's hand flew out to grab onto Hodgins', while Cam grabbed Sweets' and Zach's hand. Brennan let out a shaky, steadying breath before she told them with a shake of her head, "He didn't make it. Booth is…" And that's when she felt the full weight of the truth, "He's dead."

Angela immediately started to cry as she ran up to hug her friend. Sweets was comforting Cam, keeping a watchful eye on Brennan. Angela however was surprised when Brennan didn't return her hug. Brennan's arms just hung by her side, lifeless, as if she were dead too. It scared her more than anything.

Hodgins, for once, didn't know what to do. His friend just lost her husband. A husband he found out about only about a year ago. How could he comfort her without giving it away? Did it even matter now? He was about to give Brennan a hug when she pulled away from Angela and said in a distant tone, "I have to go home. I'll see you guys tomorrow at work."

Cam gained control over her own emotions and said just audibly, "Dr. Brennan you don't have to come in tomorrow. None of us do. I'm giving everyone as much time off as they need." The only response she got though was a slight nod from Brennan as she walked past everyone.

As far as Brennan was concerned, she died with Booth. And that scared her.

~BONES~

Brennan had forgotten that she had rode in the ambulance to the hospital, so she was now walking home. But she really didn't care. She couldn't feel the cold wind against her skin or the dull ache in her feet as she walked. All she could feel was the constant pain in her heart.

She had never felt like that before. For her heart to actually physically ache. Now she understood all the things Booth had said about heartache. And then she started to cry.

Just thinking about Booth made the pain more intense. It felt as if she couldn't breathe. When she finally made it to their place, she stripped off the scrubs that reminded her of just everything that hurt and pulled out one of Booth's sweatpants and FBI t-shirts. She slowly unclasped her necklace that held her rings and slid them on. She knew that doing all of that would not bring him back, but it felt like he was surrounding her. His clothes smelt like him. Those rings made her think of their happy times together. As she slid into their bed on her side, she slowly grabbed his pillow and laid her head on it, taking in his scent.

She just laid there, soon realizing that she was crying and she didn't care. That night she cried out for her loss. That night she cried herself to sleep.

~BONES~

Brennan didn't know what time it was. All she knew was that she didn't want to move, but their stupid – no her stupid phone was ringing. There was no more their. Brennan let the phone ring as it went to voicemail. She heard, through her closed door, Hodgins' voice, "Hey Dr. B. It's Jack, Jack Hodgins. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. I can't imagine what you're going through. Angie's worried about you and I'm worried about you. If you need anything just call me. I know that not many people know about you and Booth, so I'm here for you. I'm so sorry Dr. Brennan. We're all here for you. Bye."

Brennan had slowly sat up while listening to Hodgins' voice. She hurt. All over. Never before had she thought it would be possible to physically be in pain from losing someone she loved. She still loved. It once scared her, to the point of running, of the thought of loving someone for 30, 40, or 50 years. But now she knew that she would never love anyone like she loved Booth. She figuratively gave her heart to him and now she was lost. She needed to find herself. She needed her heart back to bring those walls up again, but Booth took it with him. She was never going to get it back.

She slowly swung her legs to the floor, feeling the coolness seep into her body. She looked at the clock and saw that it was only 8:00 AM. Relatively late for her to be waking up on a regular day. But then again, it was not a regular day. It was the day after finding out her husband was dead, killed by a psycho bitch. She was satisfied that she was the one to put the bullet in that bitch's throat, but it still didn't change the fact that Booth was dead. Nothing changed that.

Brennan knew she needed to make phone calls. She needed to call Parker and tell him that his daddy loved him very much and that she would always be there for him. She needed to call Booth's family and let them know of what happened. Yet she just sat there and stared into space. She didn't want to think. But soon the urge to urinate overcame her and Brennan slowly stood up and made her way into their – no, her bathroom. She used the washroom, stripped off his clothing and stepped into the bathtub, turning the water on as hot as she could take it.

Brennan made a move for her shampoo when her hand collided with his. It would probably be bad for her hair, but she would smell like him and that was all she cared about. She slowly poured some of his shampoo onto her hand and lathered it in her hair, his scent filling the whole bathroom. She knew she was acting foolish, she wasn't acting rational. But whenever it came to her relationship and feelings for Booth it never was rational.

As she finished her shower and towel dried, she let her hair hang loosely as she made her way to the closet as she slid on a pair of his boxers over her own underwear. She grabbed one of his dress shirts and jacket as she gently pulled them both on, buttoning the shirt up. Brennan didn't want to move, but she knew that she needed to. She needed some normalcy to keep her sane. She made her way to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee – just the way he liked it. She made his favorite breakfast as well – bacon, eggs, and pancakes. She had been a vegetarian for some time, yet the smell of the bacon soothed her. It made her feel at home.

His clothing was making it hard to move around her arms, but she really didn't care. Booth surrounded her this way. It was as if he was standing behind her like he always did when she cooked breakfast, hugging her around the waist and placing soft kisses on her neck.

Brennan had just finished making pancakes when there was a knock at her door. She slowly made her way to it and looked through the peep-hole. Surprised at who was there she opened the door halfway, only really showing her head. "Dr. Hodgins, what are you doing here?"

Hodgins looked at Brennan's face. It looked…haunted. Her eyes were puffy, red-rimmed, and she looked pale. "Hey Dr. Brennan. Angie just fell asleep and I thought I'd stop by and see if you needed anything."

Brennan could see his concern for her written all over his face. He was one of the few co-workers that knew about her relationship with Booth. She was very grateful for that now. "Would you like to come in?"

"Yeah, sure. It smells good in here. I thought you were a vegetarian."

She smiled sadly at him as she closed the door and led him to the kitchen. "I am." She hated it that her voice caught at her next sentence. "But this was Booth's favorite breakfast." Brennan turned away from Jack as she piled the pancakes, eggs and bacon onto a plate for him. She didn't want him to see her so weak. She whispered, hoping he would hear her and yet hoping he wouldn't as well, "I just wanted to be closer to him. I know it's irrational…"

Hodgins had started to make his way to her when he heard her voice catch. He couldn't imagine what she was going through. If he ever lost Angela, he would die. And he wasn't even married to her yet. Brennan looked so vulnerable and alone. Hodgins would have never guessed Brennan would have reacted like this. Not that he looked down on her now, but when he saw her dressed in Booth's clothing, making Booth's favorite breakfast, he finally saw how much Booth meant to his friend. He touched her shoulder silently and brought her into a fierce hug. "It's not irrational Dr. Brennan. You miss him and you want him to live through all your memories."

Brennan hugged him back as she sobbed, "It hurts so much. I just can't function anymore. I don't want to function anymore. That scares me. What will I do without him? What am I going to do?"

Hodgins had comforted Angela the night before. She had cried for so long. She lost one of her friends. He could deal with that. He knew what she was going through. But this, what could he say to Brennan to make her feel better? Could he say anything? "Dr. B, you're going to make it through this. You're a strong woman. It'll take time, but you'll be able to function again. I'm not saying that you will ever get over Booth, but in time you'll be able to look back and think of all the good times you had with him. All the good times we had with him."

Brennan silently nodded her head as she pulled away wiping her tears from her face. "Thank you Jack, I honestly don't know what I would do without someone to talk to about this. I still have so much to do as it is." She placed a small pancake on her plate and some fruit, fiddling with it as she sniffled, "I have to call Parker and Rebecca, his grandfather, and his brother. I don't even know what I'm going to tell Parks. He'll be devastated. He always looked up to his dad. Seeley was his hero…" She then whispered softly, almost so soft that Hodgins wouldn't have heard her, "Mine too."

Hodgins ate a forkful of pancakes – Man, Dr. B can cook! – and swallowed before he told her gently, "Dr. B, we'll help you. Angie and I can make some of those lesser calls. Get started on the funeral service. Whatever you need, you know I'm here for you."

Brennan nodded, "I know. Thank you." They sat there in silence for a few more minutes, Hodgins eating as Brennan moved her food around her plate not really being hungry anymore. She then said softly, "I'm not going."

Hodgins looked up at her confused from his plate. "Going where?"

Brennan speared a piece of strawberry, "To his funeral. I-I just can't. I know that sounds cold, but I can't watch them bury him. I'm afraid that if I see that, part of me will be buried with him." She then looked up at Hodgins, tears shimmering in her eyes, "I physically hurt right now, Hodgins. I can actually feel my heart aching. When the doctor told me he didn't make it I felt a little portion of me just stop and grow cold. I'll arrange for everything, but I just-I can't be there. Not when he's buried. I just can't." The last part came out a little choked and Hodgins brought his hand out and grasped her hand gently.

"Brennan, that doesn't sound cold, it sounds like a woman who is mourning. And if you don't want to go then I won't force you. Like I said, I can't imagine what you're going through. If I ever lost Angela, I would want to die. I do however understand what it is like to love somebody with your whole-being. I do understand that and I can tell you that – from what I've seen – Booth loved you very much."

She looked at him surprised, "How could you tell?"

Hodgins smiled slightly, "A man can tell when another man loves a woman. Just by the way he acted around you. He always seemed less tense when you were there on a bad case. Or when he was stressing over not being able to crack the case wide opened, you'd always give him this look. I don't even think you realized you did it, but whenever you gave him that look you'd lean toward him slightly, and I think he always took comfort in the fact that you were in it together. Then there were those moments that you thought no one was looking and you'd touch him. Just a simple touch and his shoulders would loosen and face would relax. He needed you just as much as you needed him. I didn't think anything of it at first – just two partners that knew a lot about each other. But when you told me about you guys, it all clicked. And I finally understood why everything you did seemed so…intimate. Because it was. Every time he talked about you his eyes lit up and he got this stupid smile on his face that every man gets when he talks about the woman he loves. And each time you two talked it was like the world around you didn't exist.

"What you guys had is something all of us search for, but only a few find. You found your other half. You completed each other." Hodgins saw a tear slip out from her eye and he smiled sadly at her as he told her the truth, "And Dr. B. It's gonna hurt because when you lose half yourself you don't know how to compensate for that. But in time, after you find out how to function with that knowledge, you'll be able live life again. You probably will never stop loving Booth. But therein lies the painful truth about love. It's a burden."

Brennan smiled sadly as another tear slipped past her eyelashes as she thought about what he said and whispered in return, "Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."

Hodgins laughed softly, "Yeah, exactly."

Brennan placed her fork on her plate and walked over to Hodgins and hugged him tightly, "Thank you, Hodgins. Thank you so much."

Hodgins hugged her back and rubbed soft circles on her back soothingly. "You're welcome Dr. B." After a few more seconds, she pulled away and wiped the last residue of tears from underneath her eyes and was able to actual give a genuine smile. Hodgins could see that his words had helped her. How they had, he didn't know. But he was glad he decided to come here while Angela slept. Which reminded him… "Dr. B, I have to get back to Angie. I didn't tell her I was coming, since she doesn't know about you and Booth…and I should get back before she wakes up. But if you need anything, just call."

Brennan nodded her head and followed Hodgins toward her door. He slipped on the coat that he had discarded earlier and smiled at her, "Thanks for the food, it was great."

She laughed softly, "Your welcome, Dr. Hodgins."

He pulled her into another hug before stepping past the threshold into the hallway and waved, "I'll see you later."

Brennan waved back. "Yeah, see you later. And thank you Jack." She gently closed her door and pressed her back against it. She inhaled deeply and smelt Booth surrounding her…and this time it didn't hurt as much. Hodgins' words had brought comfort to her that she didn't know she needed. Booth had always told her that he needed her, but hearing it from Hodgins' viewpoint and what he witnessed between them…it helped her see that she had helped Booth.

Booth had saved her, in so many ways, and she always wanted to save him somehow. She never thought that the little things she did when she knew Booth was distressed or angry brought such a change in him. That comforted her to know that she had comforted him. It hurt deeply that she wasn't strong enough to save him from his own death – like he had saved her multiple times – but she took comfort in knowing that she was still able to save him from the smaller things.

As she walked into their bedroom – it would always be theirs – she looked around and saw all their times in there. The fights, the comforts, and most of all, the love. Like a reel of film, each moment passed before her and she clung to them. Hodgins was right, she would never stop loving Booth. He was the only man she ever did love. The one man that showed her how to love, how to believe in love. She would never love someone like she loved Booth and she could say that as a fact. But with that knowledge, she knew that could rebuild her life again. It would take time, a lot of time. However, she knew Booth would want her to live a full life. So she would try to live as full a life as possible without her other half. And that started with one step. One step at a time.

~BONES~

It had been a week since the incident. Things were getting back to rhythm at work. She went in to identified bodies from limbo and went back home. It still hurt. She hadn't gotten rid of any of his things and she had talked with Rebecca briefly. She sounded surprised for some reason as to her call, but then she consoled Brennan and she told Rebecca that she'd always be there for Parker. She hadn't been able to reach Jared and Pops was on a long vacation with some of his Army buddies. She couldn't reach him since he didn't have a cell phone. Just one more week before it was officially impossible to believe anything else. Next week would be his funeral. She and Hodgins had talked later on after his visit and they agreed that he would be the one to tell her it was time for the funeral but would say no more. He kept his word, he wouldn't force her. She was very grateful for that.

She also had a lunch meeting with Gordon Gordon. She was never one to believe in psychology, but he had helped them before. Perhaps he could help her again. To lessen the pain. Hopefully. Like she said, one step at a time. One step at a time.

A/N2: So there it is guys. How'd I do? I think that Brennan really would have thought of those words before TEitB, but that's just me. You know, you say things and then when you write it just fits. With all the emotions, everything. I hope I did this chapter justice. I put some of my emotions into it by how I felt when I lost someone extremely close to me (he was like my brother) and I hope I didn't make Brennan too OOC for this. But then again death can make you do very irrational and illogical things. However I just feel that this is what she went through behind the black screen. I didn't go into the whole two weeks, because Brennan being Brennan would try to regain any semblance of normalcy back, especially at work. I had actually planned for Gordon Gordon to be the one to find her the day after. One more chapter before the third (THIRD!) book is over. Can you believe it? I sure can't. It seems just like yesterday that I started this. Anyways, reviews are always welcomed and cherished. With all my love, go and capture each moment like it's your last. You never know when it might happen.