Disremember (Alternate M Version) - Chapter 2:Memories

Warning: Adult themes, language in this chapter

** 1 week later**

*Four POV*

I have this recurring dream that haunts me, of course I would have it again tonight – my last night here. The dream is always the same, I enter the new apartment I have secured in Chicago, and Tris is there. She looks at me and smiles. Her eyes so bright, so happy to see me. I feel my pulse quicken – that excitement I feel when I think there is the possibility that a kiss may be in my immediate future. Or even just her smile. And then the next moment she is just gone. I run through the small apartment calling for her – but there is only silence. Silence and the dread I feel in my chest. I always wake before I open the last door in the apartment, to the bathroom of all places.

Shivering from the dream, I quickly breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. As I use the breathing technique to calm myself, I look around the dormitory, my eyes finally fix on the empty cot next to me. The cot where had Tris slept. I painfully recall a night in the dormitory, we had even pushed our cots just a little close closer, and I can remember looking at her beautiful eyes and holding her hand as I fell asleep.

I look at my hands now, as I try so hard to remember what she felt like when our fingers were entwined. What I would give to just be able to do something as simple as moving two cots closer together in order to be able to feel her just one more time. It is too soon for me, but I want to believe that someday I can think of that moment and smile. Verses the sick and empty feeling I have now.

I try to concentrate on tomorrow. Tomorrow I leave the Bureau. I hate this place. I literally hate this place. Aside from the obvious point that Tris died here, I have to be honest with myself, there were so many personal obstacles between us during our time here. Most of which I know were my fault. I was such an asshole to her. To torture myself, I remember moments where I chose to turn away from her, to shut her out…I replay them in my mind. Again and again.

Although I am so very tired, I toss and turn for what feels like hours, and then I finally know what I must do. I need to just feel the pain, to face it, and I know that this must happen tonight – or it will never happen. I find myself quietly slipping on my shoes and then walking out of the dormitory. I do not want to wake my friends. I still have the habit of sleeping fully dressed. I find myself in the hallway, I walk quickly in the direction that would take me to the spot in the hallway we stood our last night.

I close my eyes and go over her words, "It's what you deserve to hear. That you're whole, that you're worth loving, that you're the best person I have ever known." I think of her hand on mine, but what I most remember was looking into her eyes that were filling with tears.

In that moment I knew that she loved me more than anyone ever had or ever would love me. I wanted to devour her, I could barely control myself from crashing my lips to her mouth until she finished her sentence. For all I know, she may have had a couple more things left to say to me in that moment. I close my eyes, remembering how urgently she returned my kiss, and her hand on my shirt pulling me closer to her.

I sigh as I walk more slowly now, down the hallway and I stop outside that same door. I never did ask her how she even knew this empty room that conveniently had a couch, existed. The insignificant things that cross our minds in the middle of significant moments. But now I stand there, quietly closing the door behind me – realizing that I will never have that answer. Tris is gone. I steady my breathing again, as I walk painfully towards the couch. That night, I felt it instantly – I knew she was ready to with me. I would have waited for her until the end of time. She was the only one I have ever wanted. To be close to her, in any way was not only enough for me - it was everything to me.

I felt her falter for a moment, but I knew it was not fear of us giving one another to each other fully, I could almost read her mind as she looked my body over, the insecurities she often felt, which I never understood – but always respected and tried to reassure her. I knew it was what she had needed from me. I was actually nervous myself. I decided in that moment, to put it all on the line, exactly how I felt about her, body, mind and soul. I willed her to see me, to really see how I felt. Pulling her towards me at the waist, kissing her exposed stomach while telling her how beautiful she is. And I meant it, she was so beautiful. And she was mine. And I was hers. The next moment she told me she loved me, I had to show her. I had to show her that we were real. I had joking responded with a quirky "I know," as I decided it was time to move us to the couch. She laughed, and I knew she felt safe, it was me. It was us. I had never felt so happy to approach a couch in my life.

I look around the room again as I walk to the couch. It both satisfies the need for proof that our love making was real and devastates me at the same. The pillows on the couch are exactly as we had left them that last morning. I close my eyes tightly, pushing away the tears, trying to ignore the lump forming in my throat. I remind myself that I will never be in this room again. So this one time, I will honor Tris, and as painful as it is, and remember that last night together.

To calm myself, I tell myself that I will be brave – and then I will put this memory away. Never to think about it again. I literally feel my chest burning. I lay down on the couch, now the tears are spilling but I manage to keep my sobs at bay. Instead I close my eyes and remember that moment.

** Flashback**

I lay down beside her on the couch, eager to caress her skin with my hands and my lips. Her hands instantly stroking my sides.Every touch sends a bolt of energy throughout my entire body.She firmly presses the pads of her finger tips deeply into my skin, as if to encourage me to move forward.I need her, gently grabbing her by the hips I pressed my body as close to her possible.Feeling my length thicken uncomfortably in my jeans, I break our kiss and press my forehead against hers in order to try and calm myself.As if she knows what I am doing, I suddenly feel her hand slide from my sides to the top button of my jeans, popping it open.I instinctively buck my hips against her hand, "Tris!I love you, I need you."

"You have me, now take me." Tris whispers while slipping her finger tips into the front of my open jeans and caressing my shaft over my boxers.I press my open mouth to hers and we kiss deeply.

While she has her hands down my pants I raise my hips off the couch and slide my jeans down and then off.She bites her lip to watch my face while she wraps my erection in her soft hands.Gently stroking me up and down, she watches for my reaction. "I love you." I whisper to her.

I then pull her closer and begin kissing her neck, open mouthed and adoringly.I gently trail my kisses lower.Stopping at her collar bone to kiss her tattoos.I know I am her family now, and she is mine.I slide my hand gently from her hip and inch towards right breast, I can feel her watching me intently and her stroking hand pausing for a moment. "I love you, and you are mine." I whisper before gently taking her sift, pink nipple in my mouth.My hand resting on the side of her rib cage so that my thumbs can caress the underside of her breast.Tris gasps loudly and moves her free hand into my hair.Her hand that is on me begins sliding up and down again with purpose.My hips instantly begin moving in tune with her hand.

I give her one last suckle and then switch to her other breast.Loving how her nipple instantly hardens as I begin kissing with my lips and using my tongue to stroke the tip.And suddenly Tris moans and throws her leg over me and moves her core close to me and begins rubbing gently against me. "Trust me." I whisper as I move her hand away from my penis and place it on my hip. She looks confused, her eyes look hazy with lust.I kiss her lips gently as I slower lower the zipper of her jeans and push them down her hips, she moves her hands to help me get them completely off.I then place her leg over my hip again, kissing her deeply as I begin rubbing myself against her core.Instantly her hips begin to move in rhythm with mine, only our underwear separating us.She presses her face into my neck and whimpers.

"Tobias…please." She moans, and then gently bites me shoulder while pressing more firmly against me.I slip my hands in between us and begin stroking her bud in circular motions over her panties. She gasps loudly at the initial caress.Fuck, I can feel how incredibly wet she is through the fabric.

I pull back and look at her eyes, "Baby, I want to touch you…I need you." And I watch as she eagerly nods her head.While still looking in her eyes, I gently push the fabric to the side as slip my fingers in to actually touch her.She bites her lip and continues to stare into my eyes.

I alternate between circling her clit and stroking the outside of her lips.Only when her hips begin moving back and forth against my hand, do I gently slip my pointer finger into her while my thumb presses gently on her bud.She throws her head back and begs me not to stop.And I don't – in fact I slip a second finger in to help me get her close, until suddenly Tris is moaning and crying out my name.I feels her tightening around my fingers.She grips shoulders tightly until she comes down from her high.

I gently press kisses along her shoulders, neck, and then I slip my tongue into her mouth and kiss her softly.Once she catches her breath I feel her hands at my hip, urging me to slide my boxers off.I comply and as my erection is freed Tris sits up look at me, smiling and blushing at the same time.She raises her hips and slides her panties off.We are both completely bare.She continues to smile at me and just look her in the eyes, she is so beautiful.

And suddenly I feel so nervous, I love her so much, but from my talks with Zeke and also basic health class – I know the first time may be painful for Tris.She sees my hesitation and frowns, suddenly crossing her arms across her chest.I need to explain to her "Tris, I want to make love to you.I am just afraid of hurting you.I can't ever…"A see a look of relief and then understanding move across her face.

"Tobias – I want this as much as you do.Please.I know you will be gentle." She whispers to me while laying back down on the couch and opening her arms to me.I smile at her and lean down to begin kissing and touching her breasts.I then move to kneel over her, and she moves her legs quickly so that I am situated in between them. We each begin caressing each other's sex.I feel how wet and responsive she is.She is caressing my back, my sides, my chest, "God, you are so beautiful.I will always love you Tobias."

When she wraps her legs around and positions her hips to open herself to me fully I ask her once more, "Are you sure my love?" Tris gives me the sweetest smile while using her hand to position the head of my penis at her entrance and teasingly bucking her hips upwards.I do not need more convincing.

I kiss her deeply and both my hand and hers gently help to rub my shaft up and down along the outside of her vagina – lubricating me.She then moves her hands around the side of my body, her hands settling on my ass.I slowly begin pushing into her.She is so incredibly tight and suddenly I am met with resistance, I pause. "Please, promise me you will ask me to stop if I need to." I murmur.

"I promise, now please keep going Tobias." She whispers into my ear and then kisses my neck.And I do.I push past slowly and she gasps, but her hands on my ass do not allow me to pull away.Once I am fully sheathed inside of her I moan into her neck.I hold very still, allowing her to acclimate to my intrusion.Our bodies are glistening with a light coat of sweat. "Please move slowly. I am ready now." she breathes out.

I support my weight on my arms, she grips my hips while I begin very slowly moving in and out of her.As I maintain a slow and steady pace my heart tightens at she softly grimaces in the beginning.I pause, and she immediately looks into my eyes and clenches her walls around me. "Don't stop." She murmurs. My God, I am dying.She is amazing.

I brace myself up again and continue my slow and steady pace.Our breathing becoming heavier, with moans and the sounds of our frantic kisses filling the air.Suddenly Tris squeezes my ass, and begins bucking her hips up to meet mine. "I need you to go faster, I am ready now.I am so so so close." She begs me.

I take her right leg and position it in a way that will grant me a different angle where I can begin pumping deeper into her then before.Which I do, and she loves it.She screams incoherent words as her hands scratch down my back and she reaches her climax.I keep pumping and then I am right behind her.I whisper in her ear, "Tris, I am close, but I can pull out—"

She says "No, I want you to stay inside of me." And I do while grunting her name again and again.I welcome my release and collapse on top of her for a moment.Our bodies pressed closely together, I relish in the feeling.

I am hers and she is mine.

And now, I am alone in this room, on the same damn couch. Fuck this shit. Squeezing my eyes shut and this time feeling the tears that have slipped down my cheeks and down my throat, I remember the way her confidence flourished that night, with each time we made love her smiles becoming broader and her responsiveness more spirited. She was as hungry for me as I was for her. I needed her so much. I still do.

I lay on the couch, hugging the pillows. It is the saddest I have felt in days, which says a lot. Tomorrow, I will put this all behind me. And then sleep finally consumes me.