Chapter 10: Experienced? (M version)

This is the adult mature version of Chapter 10 from the fanfic "Disremembered" which can be found on my author page. These chapters will not make much sense as a stand-alone.

** A few days have gone by since last chapter**

*Tobias POV*

When I took this job, I didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I do. Especially since my only option to start in the department forced me to take the night shift. I have adjusted to the odd hours, and love the flexibility of not working during the day. I have actually made some friends at work, most of whom have been impacted by the memory serum.

I glance over at Josh, he is a nice guy, late 40s, married and suddenly put into a position where he and his wife – are trying to get to know each other again because they both lost all of their memories. I can't even imagine that, but at least in his case – they are both really trying.

I have my own desk with multiple monitors, everyone's specific login determines what cameras/zones we have access to and are expected to survey. The director is impressed with my technical skills. Between the hands on experience I get at work, and the testing Nita's team is performing to fully document what knowledge I had retained from before the serum – I love the feeling of finally being in control and really good at something.

Another reason I like this job, we are often asked to monitor the city of Chicago. During my off hours they have allowed me to bring Zeke in and we can spend hours looking at the city of Chicago, the people, some key interiors and exteriors of buildings, we jokingly call it our bromance time.

I have learned a lot about my past, at least what Zeke is able to tell me. Early on he asked me if I wanted the subject of Tris to be covered, we agreed I could ask questions about her but the moment I decided I didn't want to hear more – he would drop it.

Being almost 19 years old, one day I casually asked Zeke about what he knew about my dating history, specifically about my experience with women. Once the jerk was done laughing at me, he gave me rundown on my life. Starting with Abnegation, nothing was going on there.

Then his version of our double dates when I was first at Dauntless – which I firmly believe he is exaggerating, I sounded like an idiot.

And then he paused…I obviously knew she would be part of the story. He told me that I was very private when it came to my relationship with Tris. Zeke looked at me and raised his eyebrows…I knew it was time to hear about her, I urged him to continue.

The general details of our relationship were very intertwined with the events – her initiation, the attack on Abnegation, and then the war – and finally our time at the bureau. When I pushed him for information about my experience, he sighed heavily, but continued. "So you and Tris, took it slow. I mean – she was literally the only girl you have ever even looked at. She was it for you and worth the wait." Zeke took a sip of his beer. "And she needed to wait, and you gave that to her – because you loved her and you always put her first."

"Oh my God, am I a virgin!?" I spit out. Almost afraid to hear the answer either way. Zeke chokes on his drink, and then laughs at me again. I scowl at him, but encourage him to talk. Now I need to know.

He looked at me and continued "Look, when I first came to the bureau and it was a hurricane…between my brother and then Tris as well... Things were just so bad in general, not to mention the chaos here. Even between us because of Uriah, I logically knew it was an accidental involvement on your part – that lying little bitch-"

I quickly interrupt him, I have heard him call Nita that choice word a few times at this point - "Zeke! Stop. Don't call Nita such ugly words. Please, do it for me. She is really important to me…I need you to respect that." I look at him pleadingly.

He slowly nods and I can see him concede, "Let's stay on subject then – your deflowering!" he laughs, the tension between us immediately dissipating. He is such an ass, but I do value his friendship. A lot.

"So as Christina has told you, or actually shouted at you, you tried to take the serum – but she stopped you. That same day you and I had it out. We made peace with what happened to Uriah and your involvement. I had never seen you so broken. We ended up talking for many hours about everything that you had been through during your time at the bureau, with Tris. And then you…well you told me that you and Tris had made love…the night before she died." Zeke won't even look at me when he gets the last part out.

My mind is reeling… That is tragic. Seriously, the night before. I need to know… Clearing my throat, I ask him if he knows anything else, any specifics… Zeke laughs, and tells me I better grab us a couple of more beers.

Zeke took a swig of his beer and then began, "Before I get started, I obviously need to remind you about our friendship over the years. I like to think of myself as your instructor in the arena of love. In fact – I am a little annoyed that the countless hours of detailed "education" I have given you in regards to sex were a complete waste since you flushed it all down the toilette." I roll my eyes and he laughs again.

He continued "My sexual expertise is epic - I have always had my way with the ladies. Ladies – as in plural. And being a Dauntless born helped me as well, I had years of experience before I settled down with Shauna. Lucky woman – I knew exactly how to please her from day one."

Coughing to interrupt him. "Ok Zeke – I am sure I will get many hours of training from you when I get another special lady in my life, but for now – what did I tell you about me and Tris?" I push him for details.

"Yes, yes…in your words, it was epic and perfect. Tris had found some kind of abandoned room that had a couch. Which is good, because you said it probably would have happened on the floor if necessary. You were both ready. You had told me you were nervous, not because it was your first time, but you knew it would hurt her since she was a virgin." Zeke pauses…

"Go on." I press him on.

Zeke continues - "I will! Per my amazing advice, which you took because you have always been a smart man. A girl's first time is better if they are relaxed and already very aroused. It will help it not hurt as much. Do you remember that women get wet the more aroused they are, and that helps with lubricating…"I interrupt him again and explain that I have a general memory of facts – so I remember basic health class. What I don't have is memories of my specific past.

"Like I was saying, before you interrupted me, you used your hand to get her off the first time. And she was very receptive to you. The first time you guys had The Sex – you told me you started out really slow but it was still painful for her, you were ready to stop – but she insisted she wanted to keep going. And then she got really into it, I would guess the pleasure became more intense than her pain. From that moment on the night was epic for you both." Zeke asked me if I wanted to know more than that.

I nodded for him to continue. "The basics you told me, is that Tris got more and more comfortable with each time you had sex. Being your first time, you guys kept it to the basic missionary position. And didn't have oral that night." Zeke said in a matter of fact way. I can appreciate how he is not someone to mince words.

"Any other details?" I probed.

"Let's see. You did it a total of three times that night. And in your words, it was the most amazing thing you had ever experienced. And Tris had told you it was the same for her." Zeke cleared his throat and continued. "I have to tell you, as you were telling me this – you were destroyed. I mean, I could barely understand you over your sobs. You also had a few beers that night, and you ended up breaking some shit. I feel like you should know, even though you can't remember now, you were really suffering."

He looks at me sadly, I imagine he is remembering our actual conversation.

"Tobias… You loved her. I mean, you REALLY loved her. If I had ever doubted how much before, that night we spoke, watching you grieve her… I think you just needed to tell me, tell someone – about your night with her. To remind yourself it was real - - and how important and special it was to you both. It was hard for me to even listen to you, I felt how deep your loss was. She was your future, the one you needed and wanted." Zeke looks sad as his voice trails off.

I bite my lip, for the first time seeing a glimpse of this Tris. And who she was to me. Damn it – I hate this. And for a moment I wonder if letting my past go was in fact worth it.

I then quickly tell Zeke – that is enough. I don't ever want to talk about that night again.

-FLASHBACK-

(The day after Tobias learned he was part of the rebels group)

I am hitting the gym, it calms me to run.And I have so many thoughts going through my mind.Nita kissing me was a shock, I just wasn't really sure that she was thinking about me romantically.And to be honest – I am unable to pin point how I feel about it.I care for her…but the kiss just didn't feel right.I chuckle to myself.As if my memory-wiped-state would have any idea what I am supposed to feel when kissed.

Part of my ongoing rehabilitation was to watch old surveillance footage from Chicago.Some videos going as far back as when I was 10 years old, walking through the city wearing the plain grey clothes of the Abnegation faction.Looking at this tapes are like watching a movie for the first time.Nothing too specific, but it was still strange to watch.The most disturbing video presented to me was when I was being controlled by Jeanine – and my physical fight with Tris.I could not even stomach the entire video.I had to turn it off.

My conversation with Caleb from the night before was also on my mind.For the first time ever, I dreamt of Tris the night before.We were in an apartment and she was there one moment and then she was gone.I was frantically searching for her in my dream.I woke up feeling panicked.

After my run, I asked Ben from my rehabilitation team to pull bureau video of me and Tris, whatever he could find.As Nita had kissed me the night before, I decided not to ask her. Ben was able to provide a few tapes immediately, I did note that Nita has initialed their release as team lead – the overall impression I got was a pretty unhappy couple.

No audio – but I could tell by the body language, frustrations, a lot of stomping off on both of our parts.When I saw them with my own eyes, I made the decision to put Tris in the past.I didn't want to think about her any more.

-FLASHBACK END-

And then another thought crosses my mind, this epic love story is in contrast to what the Rehabilitation team had presented to me. Things are not adding up.