He takes hold of my arm and pulls me up off the couch. I gasp because he isn't usually this direct. And he has never been like this with me. He holds my arm the whole trip upstairs to Tasha's sewing room and releases me only once we are inside and he has closed the door behind us.
I sit down on the couch there and he leans against the door. I glare at him. "Why are you being like this? Is it because of what happened? Do you think that because you once had such control over me that you can treat me like this now?" I scream at him.
I know deep in my heart that none of that is true, but the words come out of my mouth before I can stop them. For a moment, I see so much hurt on his face that I just want to hug him and take it all back. But then it turns to anger and I know he is going to yell. "Is that what you think? Do you think that I hate you that much? Do you think I would have done what I did for you if all I wanted was to control you? Don't you know me better than that?" he exclaims.
"I don't know, Chase! I don't know anything anymore! I wish you hadn't done it! I wish you would have just let me die! I'm not worth saving, Chase! You should've just let me die." I say, my voice shaking.
His face softens and he sits beside me. He touches my chin and makes me look him in the eye. "Bree, you are worth everything and more. How could you think that you aren't worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every drop of blood? Without you, I don't know what I would do. I'm not sorry that I did what I did to save you." he says in a voice so soft I can barely hear it.
"No, Chase, you made it worse. If Troy had killed me, that would have been the end of it. I would have been over. But now I have to live with this, this mistake for the rest of my life! I can never get away from this! It will always haunt me."
He looks confused. He doesn't understand. "What are you talking about? Nothing actually happened to you. You were fine."
I scoff. "Are you kidding?! You did this! You took away my first kiss and you took away everything that I ever wanted, everything I dreampt about. I told you about the dreams I had and you just crushed them anyway!"
"Bree, you know that's not true. You know I did everything I could to protect you," he says, still calm.
"No! You might have kept me alive physically, but you killed me inside! And I will never be the same again because of it. You ruined everything!" I shout.
"You know there was no other way!" he replies, his voice raising.
"We could have found another way! We could have bought more time! We could have tried to fight! Instead, you just gave up. Or maybe that's what you wanted anyway. Maybe Gao was just a perfect opportunity for you to come and-"
"You know that's not true! How could you even say those things?!" he shouts, beginning to get angry.
"Because that is what happened, Chase! Why do you think I've been avoiding you for so long? Why do you think I haven't wanted to be near you? It's because you hurt me, Chase! You hurt me and I don't know if I can forgive you for that." I shout.
Now he's angry. His face is red and I can tell he is about to explode. Actually, I can't really tell whether Spike is here yet or not. But regardless, I know I'm in trouble. I went too far. But there is no turning back now.
He stands up and grabs my wrists, pulling me up with him. Suddenly, I'm against the wall and Chase is standing there in front of me. But I'm not scared. I know he would never actually hurt me no matter what I do to him.
"You think you're the only one who lost something that day? Did you ever think that maybe I lost something too? I gave you my everything too. And I didn't have to. I did it so you could be safe. I did it so that you could live! But you don't care about that. All you care about is yourself! You think you were hurt then? You actually think I hurt you? You have no idea what it means to be hurt! Don't you ever say that to me again!" he shouts.
And even though I know it's a bad idea, I speak up. "Why not? Aren't you the one who is always going on about how important telling the truth is? So why shouldn't I say those things? It's the truth, Chase. In fact, why don't I just tell the whole world! Would you like that, Chase? I wonder if people would choose my side or yours? Would they call you a hero or a common rapist?"
That was it. I went too far and I know it. Why can't I just shut up?
He looks at me for a moment, just glares at me. And if looks could kill, I'd be so dead. Then he presses me against the wall to tight I can hardly breathe. I cough a bit. Tears are running down my cheeks and falling onto my shirt. Then he whispers in my ear, and it's scarier than when he was yelling. "You have no idea what pain feels like, Bree. You honestly have no idea."
He holds me even tighter to the wall and my ribs feel like they are being crushed. I take a chance and look up at him. He raises his arm and for a moment, I think he might hit me. But then he punches the wall above my head and releases me from his grip. I slide down the wall and sit on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest.
"Chase, I'm sorr-" I begin.
He cuts me off, walking over to the door and opening it abruptly. "Save it. I don't want to hear it from you," he says, his voice sharp and harsh.
He slams the door behind him and I can hear him stomping down the stairs. The front door slams and I know he is gone. So I cry. I sob and cry until I'm too tired to cry anymore.
He is right. I was wrong. And I'm so sorry. But now, I might not get to tell him because he may never speak to me again. So I cry.