Chapter 10

Lexa's words tumbled in Clarke's mind, turning in her head over and over. They repeated themselves, following her down the hall. Love is weakness, Clarke. Love is weakness. She couldn't rid herself of them. Now, more than ever, they seemed to be engraved in her mind - they wouldn't let her be. This must be love. Clarke cursed at herself for letting Lexa be right. Lexa had spent so long hiding from her own feelings, and as soon as she let herself love Clarke, Clarke messed it up - like always. Tears continued to well in Clarke's eyes, but she blinked them away. Taking a right at the end of the corridor, she realized that she had no idea where she was even headed. But she didn't care. Clarke let her subconscious mind lead the way, as the thoughts that occupied her mind were distracting her from paying attention to her surroundings. She turned one last corner, and to her surprise ended up outside of her own room. Stepping inside, the doors slammed against the wall as she opened them, and again as they clicked closed behind her. The noise bellowed through the wooden doors and plastered walls, echoing and lingering for longer than it should have. This must be love.

On the opposite side of the tower, Lexa had ordered a guard to take care of Bellamy, and had made sure that he was in no position to escape again. Sitting on the edge of her bed, Lexa's mind wandered. She thought of Clarke first, which was no surprise - even in the heat of battle, Clarke was always on her mind. But with the daydreams of Clarke came the nightmares of love. Every time that the blonde crossed her mind, Lexa subconsciously reminisced about Costia. Even good memories could bring sadness, anger, longing and regret. This must be love. Lexa pondered the thought of love, the mere existence of it. For her, love fell from the sky, literally, and ever since she'd found it, Lexa had felt human again - almost normal. When she was with Clarke she was an awkward, horny mess, not the fearless Heda she was expected to be. This must be love. The words ran circles in her mind. If this was love, then what was Costia? A faded memory? Costia had brought her joy, happiness, even bliss, but she had never longed for her like she longed for Clarke. She yearned for Clarke's touch, to look into her eyes, to simply be in the same room with her was enough to set her heart ablaze. The thought of being with Clarke sparked enough inspiration in Lexa for her to walk to the door, ready to find Clarke and apologize for everything that she had put her through. Upon opening the door, however, she turned around. Clarke needed her space, although that was all she seemed to need lately. Lexa slowly made her way back to the bed and sat down, realizing just how bad she had fucked up. One minute, Clarke was fine with leaving Bel and giving herself completely to Lexa, but the next she wanted nothing to do with either of them. As Lexa continued to process what exactly had occurred earlier that night, tears began to fall from her forest-green eyes. This must be love.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu. Reading the scratchy handwriting on the wall, Clarke scoffed. "If only that were true," she said to herself. She walked over to her bed, and slumped back down upon the deerskin covers, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Blowing a stray strand of hair away from her face, she could clearly see the drawing of Lexa that she had hung on the wall that she faced. She remembered drawing it as if she had created it only the day before - Lexa had been laying on the couch across from Clarke, peacefully at rest. Clarke had been trying to draw out battle plans, but had gotten distracted with watching the other girl sleep. Before she knew it, her hand had moved to the paper and begun to draw her Heda. It had felt natural. Loving her felt natural. But that was before, she thought, remembering the day's events. Peeling her eyes away from the drawing, she focused on the city that panned out to her left. Darkness covered it like a blanket, protecting its people, hiding its secrets. She again found her mind drifting to Lexa as she remembered the first night she had spent in Polis - they had been out on Lexa's balcony, watching over the city. Clarke recited Lexa's words from that night without any hesitation or mistakes: It is often in the darkness that we see the brightest stars, Clarke. Lexa always seemed to know what to say. But Clarke had let her go. She had pried her away. Though so close, Lexa felt so, so far. She missed her, every part of her. Clarke had been slowing distancing herself from her Heda, though she didn't know why. It was an action of her subconscious mind, something that she couldn't control. She'd started thinking with her head, and not her heart. As she continued to ponder how she had ended up as this person, this barely recognizable excuse for a human being, she felt a deeper longing for an answer to her only question. The words tumbled in her mind before forming a complete, logical inquiry. What have I become?

Clarke ran. She ran as fast as she could. But it wasn't fast enough. She stumbled on a fallen tree branch, snapping her ankle. She screamed for help, but no one could hear her from the middle of the forest. Almost as quickly as she had fallen, the creature was upon her. She brandished a knife in front of her, swatting away the beast, however to no avail. The monster roared deeply, more of a scream than a growl, and slammed its head against her hand, freeing the knife from her grip. Now defenseless, Clarke continued to scream. She screamed, she yelled, she prayed to whoever was listening. What seemed like an eternity was actually a couple of seconds, and in those seconds the mutant ape had advanced on the girl. It began to tear at her flesh, claws scraping at her bloodied jeans. The creature ceased scratching only to draw its left hand back, slamming it back down onto Clarke's skull. Now unconscious, she was silenced. The monster brought its sharpened nail to her throat, and began to apply slight pressure directly under her chin. As it pierced the skin, a small trickle of blood ran down the length of Clarke's neck, falling onto her torn shirt. The beast seemed to intentionally prolong her death, mocking her, celebrating its victory. Suddenly, the girl was awake. She screamed one last time, but this time it was an audible word. A name. "Lexa!" she screamed. "Lexa. I -"

Lexa was jolted awake. "Lexa!" a voice said, somewhat harshly. "Lex, wake up. It was just a dream. I heard you screaming, and came as fast as I could. It's okay. I'm right here." Lexa looked up, her eyes meeting those of her savior.

"Clarke? But-"

"Shh, shh. It's all okay, I'm here." Clarke sat on the edge of the bed and brought Lexa's head to her collarbone, stroking her hair. "It was only a dream. Just a nightmare," she coaxed. As she looked down at the brunette, she realized that she was crying. Though it was faint, she could feel her sobbing. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. Lexa shook her head, and the two sat in silence for a few minutes. However, breaking the silence, Lexa gave in and started to explain.

"It was Pauna. She had you pinned. You completely defenseless, not even conscious." She paused, but continued shortly after, her voice shaking. "I thought that I'd lost you, Clarke."

"It was only a dream, Lexa. I'm okay, it will-"

"I meant earlier today, Clarke. That dream meant something, it was trying to tell me something. I didn't mean that I'd lost you to Pauna. I thought I'd lost your love. You've been so distant lately. Why?" she pulled away, agitated. Brows furrowed, she looked away from the other girl. "The ways of your people are so strange, your emotions, so hard to grasp." Clarke stared at her in silence for a few minutes, but began to defend herself.

"I'm sorry, Lexa, but the truth is that I don't know why. I want to be with you, but something is telling me that it's too dangerous." she paused. "I don't understand it either, Lexa." Lexa simply nodded. The two stared in silence for a few seconds, Lexa breaking the gaze by getting up and walking to the balcony. She gave a slight glance back to Clarke, silently asking her to follow. Clarke took the hint and walked outside, looking out at the city.

"It never gets old, Clarke." Assuming she was talking about the view, Clarke agreed.

"You're right." Clarke said, and turned to Lexa, sighing as she looked into her forest-green eyes. "Its beauty never dies." Lexa blushed, taking the subtle compliment, and decided to return the favor.

"I didn't mean the city, Clarke. I meant the feeling that I get when I look into your eyes. I am talking about the pit that forms in my stomach whenever you leave my side. I meant love, Clarke. Our love." Not caring who saw, not caring what Clarke had to say, not caring about anything, Lexa leaned into Clarke, placing her hand under the blonde locks at the nape of her neck. She pulled Clarke closer, and their lips met in a passionate kiss. Lexa moved her left hand up to meet her right, and ran her fingers through Clarke's hair. Clarke moved her hands to Lexa's waist, toying with the hem of her shirt. She sucked on Lexa's bottom lip, lightly gripping it between her teeth. At that, Lexa shuddered visibly, loving every minute of it. Clarke's persistent hands found their way up Lexa's shirt, and cold fingers stroked the brunette's abs, caressing her stomach, sending shivers up her spine. The feeling never got old. Skin to skin, lips on lips, chest to chest, heart to heart, soul to soul. It never would get tiring, or lose its passion. Both girls wanted to harness the feeling, and hold onto it forever. Their minds wandered while they kissed under the moonlight, each occupying the other's thoughts, the same idea filling each girl's mind. This must be love.