Poppies
My first stop was a cafe, where I was quick to log into the free wifi whilst I prepared Ivy's formula. It was getting close to her midnight feeding time, and I knew she wouldn't stay asleep for long. I knew once I left I'd have to breastfeed her, formula being much too expensive, but I was still so sore, so I let myself indulge in this small pleasure.
For them to let me in, I had to buy something, so I bought their cheapest drink, some tea I didn't like. I stared with despair as I handed over my few remaining coins, knowing I'd be well and truly fucked over if my plan didn't work. My train tickets were for Denver, and I was hoping there'd be a centre there for kids like me. Maybe not me exactly, but someone desperate for money and on the streets and ready to do anything for a roof over their head.
Luckily, it didn't take me long, the first result of the page giving me a clear guide about how to get to a Drop-in Center in Denver. And it was only... 15 minutes by car. It was such a long distance that the walking option wasn't even available on google maps.
Ok. No problem. I could do that. Sure, it was late, and I felt dead on my feet, and I had to carry a baby and a crib and god knows what else, but it was ok. Looking at my baby in my arms, who was now squirming in my lap, anxious for her food, I decided it didn't matter. It was fine.
Feeling tears choking me, I saw the distance the 15 minutes were. 6 miles. That was 2 and a half hours minimum, without considering I had a baby with me. I couldn't let this deter me though. Getting out my phone, I took pictures of all the directions, hoping and praying they'd be enough to get me there.
With trembling lips and the feeling of my stomach plummeting, I closed my laptop shut, taking my last sip of the disgusting tea. Ok, my adventure began here. It was sad, I'd always thought that would be accompanied by cheers and highfives, not tears slowly rolling down my face and a baby's cry wailing in my ear.
Ivy's crying got more impatient, whilst my tears continued free flowing down my cheeks. We must look like a work of art - single mum and her baby sobbing in a starbucks at 1am, nursing disgusting watery tea and hauling a crib haphazardly attached to a school bag. When I thought about it like that, it almost felt funny. A broken sigh left my lips as I placed the bottle on her lips.
I stayed in the cafe for half an hour, as simply rocking her and trying to get my breathing under control, when she started fussing again in my lap.
"Hey Ivy-baby. Did you have a nice nap?" Her eyes weren't good enough at focusing on things just yet, so she stared up at me blankly, gurgling eventually. "Yeah? Glad to hear that! You're such a good girl, and so cute too. Come on, smile for mommy." Of course, she didn't, but after a few minutes of us sitting in silence, her mouth twisted up, an obviously not purposeful smile forming on her lips. With a big grin, I kissed her cheek, feeling that despite all the pain, she made everything worth it. "I love you, angel."
She didn't do anything in response, as was to be expected, but I'd had a hard week. I'd been crying only a few hours prior and every part of my body ached and I was going all the way to Denver practically on my own. So I took the artistic licence to say that she loved me too.
It hurt to so much to think about the long walk that awaited me once I got there, and, not for the first time that night, I wondered if I could spare a few dollars on a taxi. I had a bank account, but I hadn't wanted to touch any of the money in there, in case I needed it in an emergency. This felt close to an emergency, but I felt my stomach clenching at the thought of something worse happening and me not having a way to feed Ivy.
Not being able to help myself, I looked up the price of one, but $7.50 was a bit more than I was willing to spend. Hopefully they'd feed us at the shelter, at this rate I didn't even know if I'd be able to spare a bit of money for that. For Ivy, sure, but for myself? I felt like spending a single penny made me an awful parent. Not until I had a job, I promised myself. But that rose the next question, how the hell would I get a job? Ivy was much too young for nursery.
I was going to throw up, this was all so bad, so awfully bad. Dread swirled through me, weaving itself through every single thought until I felt as though I were going mad. All I could think about was how hard this whole situation was going to be, how I had no idea how to do half the things that would be required of me in the next month. And I was taking care of a living, breathing human, I couldn't afford to fuck up even the slightest of issues.
Knowing I couldn't keep thinking about this without giving myself an aneurysm, I buried my head in my arms, prepared to bawl my eyes out yet again. It was better than thinking - this way I could just pity myself.
~o~
The walk to the shelter was worse than I had anticipated - and I thought I'd been prepared for the worst. Halfway there, I felt like I was close to collapsing, and the sun was coming up, and everything was simply bad.
People were starting to fill the streets, businessmen in pristine suits and school children giving me looks. It was crazy to think I'd be one of them had this all not happened. I'd only been walking for an hour and yet I felt as though I was trekking through mud, not moving a single step forward.
I couldn't… I couldn't do this any more. I hadn't slept in more than twenty four hours, Ivy was starting to cry, I didn't have a home, I had no prospect of working. I felt like I was at a dead end. I'd kept Ivy because I couldn't stomach the thought of putting her up for adoption, but it was time to face the truth - I'd condemned us both.
A sob tried to rip itself out of my throat, but I quietened it down, although I was sure everyone could see I was crying. It wasn't like I was trying to hide my tears. I didn't have a way to, my hands were occupied holding the last remaining fragments of my life.
After a few more steps, I was so emotionally and physically drained that all I could do was collapse on the curb, hoping no cars would get too close. It was odd, because a child was meant to mean the beginning of something new, but instead for me it had meant the death of all I knew. The death of my school career, of my naivety, of… of everything. This time, there was nothing I could do to hold back the sob that forced its way out of me.
People's looks of 'is she...ok?' had turned to full on concern, but I pretended not to see them, not needing any stranger's stupid pity. I was in this situation because I'd put myself in it, and I'd damn well sort it out myself.
And that's when a car pulled up beside me. Fearing it wasn't stopping, I wrapped myself around Ivy, hoping against hope that at least I'd be able to die protecting her. It was stupid how willing I was to die in that moment, for someone to put me out of the pain the next few years would entail.
"Are you ok?" Someone shouted, as they opened the door. I didn't want to answer, I was already getting enough attention from strangers. Couldn't they see that them looking just made me hurt more? "Hey, do you need help?" The girl stopped in front of me, but I was still crouched down over Ivy, so all I could see were her were mint coloured, and clean, and in that moment I wished I could be this girl with the pristine shoes and enough time that she could stop at the side of the road to help strangers.
"I'm fine." My voice was hoarse from not using it for so long, and a desperate need to sleep, but I pretended I didn't notice. Maybe she'd think I was drunk or something and go away.
"You don't look fine."
"Look, I told you-" My words were cut off as I looked sharply up, seeing the prettiest blue eyes I'd ever seen. Goddamnit. She was gorgeous, with a pretty voice and a cute flower crown, and I was sitting on the side of the road with the voice of a chainsmoker and 'broken' written all over me. God damn it. "I'm fine." I felt like screaming, today couldn't get any worse.
"You have a baby?" I stood corrected, today really could get worse. My looking up had revealed little Ivy, who'd fallen asleep during all the commotion. I hoped she'd stay like that for a while, I needed the silence desperately. Not to mention that I felt as though everyone judged me when she started wailing in the middle of the street. I was an awful mom.
"Look, ok, we're fine, we don't need your help." She frowned at me, her eyes clouding with worry.
"She looks so young."
"Did you not hear me?" I was ready to fight this stupid girl who thought a few comments would make my life better, but I still had a baby in my arms, so I kept it to myself.
"She must be, what, a week old?"
"Yeah." I said, almost glumly. It was like I hadn't given her every single hint that I wanted her to leave. "But, listen-"
"Do you have somewhere to go?"
"Of course." I didn't want to admit that that place was the drop-in homeless shelter. She didn't need to know that tiny tad bit of information.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you just looked really beaten down, and- and- oh my god I'm so sorry, I just assumed." My heart softened at her ramble, and I calmed down, despite still being in a bit of a state. I normally wasn't this aggressive, but I'd gone through the hardest week of my life, and everything hurt so much. I couldn't deal with people trying to make it better, I'd already left my friend Juliet's house without so much as a goodbye letter.
"It's fine. I'm going to the drop-in shelter, so it isn't like you were far off." My words still had a hint of anger to them, but I wasn't mentally telling her to fuck off anymore, so I guessed we'd made progress. Hopefully this would be enough to tide the girl over and make her drive off, a smile on her face because she'd done her 'good' deed of the day.
"I'll drive you!" My eyes widened at her words, although I wasn't sure whether because of her reluctance to leave me the hell alone, or her kindness.
"It's fine, it's only an hour's walk from here." Her eyebrows lowered, that stupid concern covering her features once more. She was as easy to read as a book.
"I- uh- don't take this the wrong way but, um, the shelter's really far from here. At least over two hours." Had I walked that slowly? I felt like crying all over again. It was pitiful to do it in front of the beautiful girl who obviously had her life a lot more together than I did, but I couldn't hold them back, as they cascaded down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hands, not wanting her to see, but I knew it must be obvious from the shake of my shoulders. "Oh no, please don't cry, it's ok. I'll take you, my school's really near there." She crouched in front of me, her eyes wide. A convoluted mix of 'fuck off' and 'god please' twisted on my tongue, and in the end I went for what would be best for Ivy.
"You wouldn't mind?"
"Of course not silly, that's why I offered." She opened the co-pilot door for me, a wide smile on her face, and I felt like punching it right off her stupidly happy face. At the same time, I'd never been so grateful to a human being. I hoped she'd be able to see that in my expression - I found words like that hard to get out of mouth.
On the trip to the shelter I found out her name was Elaina, and I told her we were called Olivia and Ivy. It almost felt normal, which was the most dangerous part of the whole ordeal. I couldn't let myself pretend, even for one second, that this wasn't all happening. It very much was, and it had fucked up every part of my life, but I was doing this all for her, and I'd be damned before I let that go wrong.
We got there much sooner than I'd expected, just as a soft piano song started playing on the radio. I found myself almost unwilling to get down. It was just so warm in here, and I hadn't sat down in an hour. I didn't let her see my hesitation however, simply getting out.
"Thank you." I whispered, holding Ivy tight to my chest. Elaina simply nodded, that bright smile still on her face.
With a ragged breath, I took a step towards the shelter, the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wish I could live in the world she did, where that smile still existed. The worst part was that only months before, I had. I didn't know if I'd had stopped at the side of the road for a crying stranger, but I went to school and I had my friends and I carried a smile like that on the daily.
I was ashamed of how aggressive I'd been, so before I closed the door, I turned back to the girl. She was looking at me with bright eyes, and I felt my stomach drop. I was just so scared and so upset and so lost - I hadn't meant to be so hurtful towards her simply because I was jealous of all she had.
"I'm- uh- sorry." Not waiting for her reply, I slammed the door shut, quickly jogging up the stairs. It was just Ivy and I now. Just like it would always be.
Hi! :)
So, Elaina's been introduced! Tell me what you thought of her :D I'm really excited for this story, I'm not gonna lie, I have so many ideas for it that they're kinda overflowing haha.
Guest review thanks!
+ Mystery, thank you!
+ Llamacorn, it's a tad related to the Benedicts, but it won't really be mentioned throughout, dw :) Thanks for your review!
+ Centa, ahh, thanks! I hope you like how it turns out :)
Ok, and before I go, I hould mentin that my updating schedule for everything is going to be a bit out of whack until I figure out how to balance it with comforting Aubrey (I really shouldn't have taken on two stories at once, let's leave it at that xD ), but hopefully I'll figure out a good balance soon enough :)
Bye bye xx