Wonderwall

Rory took advantage of the fact that Luke was out and got ready for the night. She stocked up on marshmallows, Pringles, Pop Tarts, red vines and Cherry Garcia. She got to her mom's house before she arrived from work and made a new batch of that soulless concoction that was decaf coffee. Lorelai arrived to find her daughter, mug in hand, sitting in the kitchen table.

"It's time, mom. Give me your best wonderwall impression."

Lorelai nodded and poured herself a coffee that she spat right after the first sip. "Ugh! I feel dirty!"

"Yep. It's godawful. It reminds me of my shitty situation every time I have one. It's like my penance. The cross I'll carry."

Lorelai sat in front of her daughter. "And… will you carry that cross… long? Like… nine months long?"

Rory exhaled. "Yes. You're going to be a granny."

Lorelai started crying.

"Mom? Are you OK? Is that your best wonderwall impression? Because it looks pretty straw-house-piggie to me – it collapsed before the first blow!"

Lorelai laughed between the sobs and hugged her daughter. "Oh, I'm just happy, kiddo. Are you happy?"

"Well, happy is a strong word. I'm sure, though. And well, I'm happy that you are not mad at me." Rory smiled, relieved.

"Mad?"

"Yeah, I mean… i've made some really shitty decisions lately… in the past years, actually, and I really feared your opinion."

"Well, to be honest, at first I was shocked. But very soon after that lovely lady that's the voice in my head started telling me not to become my mom when I was sixteen and I just followed her advice. She's a very wise lady. And beautiful."

"Say thanks to her, then."

"OK, let me get my act together. So I imagine you have decided more things and want to bounce ideas off, right?"

"Jeez, mom, you're losing it in your old age. You were the one that came up with the whole wonderwall thing."

"Oh, I've become such a softie since I'm a granny-to-be! I'm going to be a granny! I'm going to be a total GILF, I'll show you!"

"Mom!"

"Yeah, wait until I show Luke my GILF tactics."

"OK, can we move on here? I'm not getting any thinner."

"Alright, alright. Moving over. So, Logan."

"Yep."

"Logan's the father."

"I thought we had established that already".

"I'm just recapping here, I've been busy with my wonderwall business and I didn't want to mix up your facts with other customers'."

"Well, you have the facts now. So. What do you think?"

"Is it not supposed to work the other way around? You tell me what you have decided and I give you my opinion?"

"In theory, yes. See, I've made my decision already, and I think I'm pretty sure about it, but I want an unbiased opinion, so if I tell you first, you will, I know, be tainted with whatever I say, and then I won't get an honest opinion. Not that it's going to change my mind, but I still want it. Since I'm doing this right and all."

"Wow, maternity has really given you insight, loinfruit. Hey, you have a loinfruit of your own now. My loinfruit has a loinfruit! Where does that end?" Rory gave her mom an annoyed stare. "Alright, alright. So, I guess the question is… do you… love him?"

"Yes." Rory could swear she saw her mom wince.

"OK, so you are going to… try to do this with him?"

Rory exhaled. "No."

She almost saw the weight being lifted from her mom's shoulders. "Oh, OK. But kid, if you love him, you deserve a shot at happiness. Is it because you don't want to make it difficult for him? Or because you think I would…disapprove?"

"No! Not at all. I mean, this is his fault as much as mine. I do, I love him, it's just… he's not it, you know?"

"Well, some people consider me an expert in the matter. So, how is he not it for you?"

"God, this is hard. I mean, it's been hard to accept this, to accept the implications of what I'm going to say. I hope you won't think less of me when I tell you. I think… I think that's why we've never talked much about it before. In my heart of hearts I knew that you would speak up your mind and say the things I didn't want to hear or think but I knew true. I feel… ashamed. About everything."

"Oh, honey. I'm here for you. I know we've had disagreements in the past about certain things but… I'm done. You're a grown-up. I'll support you with whatever you decide. And believe me – no one in the entire world understands better than me that you need very low levels of drama in your situation. So, speak up. Get it out. Exorcize those demons."

"Alright. I guess… I loved the idea of him. I guessed I liked myself around him, it made me see a Rory that I thought I wanted to be. More successful. More… adventurous. More fun. It didn't necessarily make me feel those things, though. But I guess I went along with it for so long that I started confusing the appearance with the reality, and I really wanted to be that person. For so long, mom, that I feel embarrassed. You never even taught me that, and I don't know where I got it from."

"Shiny things, doll. It's the allure of shiny things, my pretty little magpie. Oh, I want pie."

Lorelai opened a cupboard and got out some of Luke's peach pie.

"You're married to him now, mom. You don't need to keep stealing his pie."

"Yeah? And how would that be fun?"

Lorelai cut a piece of pie for her daughter and one for herself. Rory opened her mouth so as to keep on exorcising, but her mom cut her out. "Wait. In the spirit of full disclosure, I think you do get it from me." Lorelai stood up and started pacing the room nervously. "Oh my god. Oh my god, you so do get it from me. I hadn't thought about it! I honestly had never thought about it, not like this, and now I cannot unsee the truth! Oh, my eyes! My mind eyes!"

"Mom, I'm not following you, what are you talking about? This is just my mess."

"No, wait. Ugh. OK, here it comes: I also have been blinded by shiny things in the past."

"OK. Still not following you, magpie."

"Can't you see the pattern? Chris, Max, Jason, Chris again… None of them were it. And I knew! I always knew they weren't it, but I tagged along, I tagged along while IT, big and scary and so-totally-it, was there, waiting for me, being it and wonderful and real while I was a putz! I ignored the single, most precious love story I was ever going to get, and yet, somehow, I got my happy ending in the end, and with the example I set I've made you lazy, as if it were fine to avoid those big truths for as long as you wanted because somehow, magically, everything would turn out right in the end. But that's not how things work! And it's not fair! Thank god you haven't had IT pining for you all this time while being completely oblivious and dismissive of their feelings. Not the clown, let's leave that clear." Lorelai collapsed on the chair, as if spent after accepting that hard truth. Rory sat still, stunned. "Because you don't know your it, right?"

"What?" Where was that train of thoughts taking her?

"I mean, Pete's not it, is he?"

Her mom's question snapped her out of the rabbit hole. "It's Paul. And no, he's not it."

"Thank god. I always thought your it would be able to quip at your level of proficiency. Listen, do you mind if we take two minutes? I need to do something."

Rory stared at her cup, overwhelmed, and Lorelai took her phone and went outside. Rory was still able to make out the conversation from where she stood, frozen.

"Yeah, hi… All's good, yeah, I didn't want to interrupt you. I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you so much and I was such an idiot for such a long time for not realizing… I just wanted you to know that I know how stupid I was and that I'm going to make up for it every day of the rest of our lives. Yes! I'm totally fine. No, I didn't have coffee – in fact, I didn't have coffee at all! Yeah, I had decaf, actually… Oh, you're totally my soulmate. I knew one day you would understand that a Lorelai without coffee was a deranged Lorelai. I'll let you go. And I'll make it up for you later. Many times. Say hi to Jess."

Of course, Luke was with Jess. Rory hoped that the baby news hadn't been broken. She had accepted that her mom would probably have told Luke already, but couldn't find a reason to be angry about it. If that meant that her mom had had a wonderwall of her own, that was fine. She was really relieved for the way she was taking things.

"So, I guess that leaves us with the practicalities."

"What?"

"Are you OK, hon? I mean, it's good that you've figured out that you don't want to be with Logan, right?"

"Yeah, it totally is."

"And shouldn't it give you peace of mind that, if you've been reckless in the past, it was partly due to the bad example set by me?"

"Well..."

"And that all is good because it, the man, not the clown, wasn't waiting for you, so no hard feelings?".

Rory felt a lump in her throat and a real, physical knot in her stomach.

"So… practicalities. Are you going to tell him? About the pregnancy?"

How could she? How could she tell him about the pregnancy? It would ruin everything forever between them, if it wasn't ruined already. If she hadn't ruined it. Which she had. Completely. She had run over his feelings with a bulldozer time and again.

"Hon? Will you tell him?"

"Who?" How did she know? Did she know who she was thinking about?

"Logan! Who else would it be?"

"Right. Logan. Yeah, I'll tell him."

"Do you know when?"

"Yeah, soon. But I want to consult a lawyer first. Will you come with me?"

"Hear hear, that sounds more focused. I really thought I lost you there for a moment."

"Huh. Yeah, I think the pregnancy is making me dumb or something."