The Kids Are Alright

Jess had considered declining his mom's invitation. After all, things were good with Martina, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to pass the Gilmore test yet, not until a bit later in the relationship. Things were going fast. Jess asked Martina out soon after Luke's revelatory phone call, and that had only been just a month and a half ago. But it was good, and Jess was not one to chicken out once things became clear for him. Not anymore, at least. He was not naive about his past. He knew that, ultimately, he was the one to fault for his demise with Rory. He didn't go about it right. To begin with, he had prided himself at the beginning of their relationship for being the anti-Dean, a sort of bigger-than-life entity modeled after his literary heroes. The punk Jess knew that true love didn't need Winter Carnivals or carefully planned dates. He even thought she would get it when he left, that she was Catherine to his Heathcliff, Estella to his Pip, Zelda to his Fitzgerald, and that she would understand, in the way that only a real soulmate understands all things understated, that he had a journey to go through before being worthy of her. He had smugly believed that their connection, a beautiful snowflake in their colorless existence in Stars Hollow, the quirkiest ring of Hell, would stand the test of life. But he had missed the point completely. It was funny how he, who had prided himself in knowing her after all those years without real contact, had failed to grasp while they were together the single most important truth about Rory. It was not that Jess had been her Jess because he was different to Dean, it was just that he had been him. She hadn't forsaken feeling secure, nurtured, loved. She had just wanted to be with him. He should have provided those things for her, just as Dean (damn bag boy) had learnt to do before. He hurt her truly first, and well, after that, how could he fault her for hurting him back? Whether it was her survival instinct, fear, or a lack of feelings, the truth was that he started it all. He hoped he had learnt the lesson, and wished he never had to be on the hurting side again. It would collide with the person he had tried to become.

It worried him. He knew he wanted to move further with Martina, but was constantly comparing her expectations with his own. He hoped he was moving just at the right pace so as to get enough time to let his feelings for her grow without putting himself in the position of facing love declarations before being ready. He had avoided that type of situation for many years, and sure, it had been fun and stress-free, but he knew he would eventually need to try again. It scared the shit out of him. And he couldn't help thinking about it a lot. He was afraid of becoming a state-of-the-art robot, capable of mimicking human interactions but without fully understanding or feeling them. Well, he was not a robot, he knew that. He had had feelings before and they were very easy to recognize and name, without a hint of a doubt. But it was the first time he was trying for real to go through the motions again, and he was concerned about not being able to recognize and name those feelings anymore. And if he couldn't, did that mean that they were not there at all? It had to be simpler. He dismissed those fears for the time being. After all, it was still too soon to tell.

And there he was, waiting for Doula outside Stars Hollow's Primary School, still unsure if he would pass the test were he to meet Rory. He had arrived to a compromise with his mom and would spend the first weekend of Christmas break with them but not Christmas day, as he knew they were all getting together at the Dragonfly before Lorelai and Luke left for Nantucket. That would have been too much for him too soon. But he wanted to spend more time with his sister. He liked her. He really wanted to get to know her better. And he pitied her. He pitied himself more for the version of his mother he had had to endure, but… TJ? That was pretty pitiable. At least she wasn't involved by family connections in a cult anymore.

He was a bit early, so he took out of his bag Book 2 of Knausgaard series, aptly named "A Man in Love". The book was really getting to him, and he hoped for his new novel to capture at least a glimpse of what Knausgaard had so brilliantly expressed about love and life.

"Hey, Jess."

There was Lane, all cool and motherly. It struck Jess that Lane had always been cool-cool, totally unconcerned about her own coolness, and that had stuck with her over the years. He gave her a true smile.

"Hey! How are you?"

"Good, good. Well, you know, the twins are driving me nuts. I just came out of a teacher meeting because it seems they've been up to no good lately. So, yeah, how good can one be?"

"Right. Well, don't worry too much about it – they're kids, and I have a hunch that you guys have created a nurturing household for them, so I'm sure they have all the building blocks to achieve true happiness. Don't stress. Kids are punks, anyway." She gave him a weird look, as if she had seen a dog talking. "Hey, this is a pearl of wisdom from Stars Hollows most celebrated hoodlum, don't dismiss it!"

She laughed. "Sorry, for a minute there I realized that's the longest I've ever heard you talk, so my brain froze."

"No worries, I know the stare well, I get it a lot around here. So, is Zack good?"

"Yeah, well, falling deeper into the corporate trap than he would like and totally freaking out about it, but good. You know, Steve and Kwan are pretty good friends with Doula, are you here to babysit? Because we could do something together. You know, unless you were planning on alone quality time with your sister."

"That would be really cool, if Doula is up for it. I really wouldn't want to disappoint her if she just wants us to have a makeover on each other or something, but it works for me."

"Great. Because you don't strike me as a mom who won't stop talking about grades and career paths and the pitfalls of our public education system, and I could use an adult conversation on music."

"Oh, I'm totally up for that. A music conversation, not a conversation about grades. I would make a terrible middle-class white mom."

"Jess!" Doula came running to him and gave him a hug and a kiss. "Are you really here for the weekend?"

"You need to trust your eyes, kid! Do they not teach you anything at that public school of yours?"

Lane laughed. "Hey, Doula, I was saying to Jess that we could do something with Kwan and Steve, would you be up for that?"

"Cool! Can we get ice cream? Mom doesn't let me because she says it's not organic and it's full of nasties, but I love it."

"Wait, do we share moms? What do you say, Jess?"

"Whatever pushes Doula away from the organic vegetable cult and me from a makeover."

They spent the afternoon eating ice cream and playing Mario Kart in Lane's house. Lane gave him tons of recommendations for obscure bands when he confessed he had polished his tastes and would now accept post-punk as a desirable outcome in the rock genealogy, and Lane was excited to let her knowledge shine after he told him that he was really interested in the female role in punk history and that he loved the Slits and Siouxsie and the Banshees. Zack joined them for a while after work, and Jess and Doula left shortly after.

"So, what's that big book that you were reading? Can I read it?"

Jess handed it to her.

"Uh huh! A Man in Love! Is it romantic? Are you in love?"

Jess laughed. "No, I don't think so. It's a pretty big thing, being in love."

"Well, I'm in love with Kwan. How should I go about it?"

Jess wondered if Doula had told her mom already, or if she was confiding in him because he was her big brother. He liked the idea of that. "What does mom tell you about it?"

"Mom? She doesn't know! Please, don't tell her! Oh, I shouldn't have told you, I don't know why I did."

"Hey, don't worry! I won't tell anyone, I promise. I just didn't want to supersede mom's advice."

"What's superseed"

"It's supersede, S-E-D-E, and it means replacing authority, as in I didn't want to say something that would clash with what mom had said and mess up."

"But we had ice cream. That superseded her authority and you didn't mind."

"Behold the apprentice surpassing the master. You are right, you caught me. I asked about mom because I was curious if you had told her."

"Why?"

"It felt pretty cool being the person you trusted with your secrets, and I wanted to know if I was the only one. I like it."

"Of course you are. You are my brother. Plus, I trust your opinion. You've never ever worn stupid clothes."

"So that's important for the subject matter?"

"Very. Imagine I asked advice to a boy who dressed like an idiot. How could he know anything about love?"

"You make a crushing point."

"So, what do I do?"

"You know what, Doula? Even if my good taste in clothes makes me, in your eyes, worthy of your trust, I'll tell you that I've messed up big time before with girls that I loved and that I would feel uncomfortable giving you advice that could potentially make you repeat your brother's mistakes. That being said, you do you, Doula. You are, by far, the coolest kid I've ever met. Scratch kid, you're the coolest person. Just make sure you don't hurt each other and stay good friends, and the rest will follow."

"And what's the rest?"

"That's a beautiful question for your mom."

"So… You messed up with girls you loved before? How many?"

"Well, I guess this whole trusting-with-secrets thing works both ways, right?"

"I suppose."

"Girl. There has just been one girl."

"Wow, you serious? You're like thirthy and you've only loved one girl?"

"Thirty-two, and yeah. So, are you going to reassess your adviser hiring parameters now?"

"Nah, I still trust you. So, do you still love her? The girl?"

Jess exhaled. "Mmm… I guess that, once you've loved someone, you cannot unlove them anymore. So, yeah, in a way, I do. But it's different than being in love, it's more like loving a friend or something. I wish her good things. I wish her happiness, even if that means loving guys that are not me. What do you think? Complicated, huh?"

"Very. It must be a great kind of love, then. I don't think I have that. If Kwan loved another girl I would kick her."

"Totally understandable, if unfair. To be honest, the jury is still out on how well I manage those kicker instincts myself."

"That girl's an idiot. You are for sure the best boyfriend she could get."

"I really get that a lot lately." Yeah, he definitely liked Doula, and it was nice to talk about Rory, even if in a PG-rated conversation, just for once. "So listen, how does one go about loving Kwan but not Steve?"