Lying to Jess

At first he froze. He couldn't believe it, Rory was running from him. Again. What had gotten into her? Had she really stolen books? What was she hiding? He managed to regain his senses quickly enough and followed her. It was Gilmore, after all – he was sure she hadn't become a runner in the past years. He caught up with her around the corner and lowered his speed to stay right behind her. She stopped at a crossing, and he took advantage to grab her arms slowly, so as not to scare her. She lowered her head when he did and seemed defeated, but didn't attempt to escape anymore, so he strengthened his hold and turned her around. She was crying. He thought he had never seen her cry; at least not like that. It broke his heart.

"Rory, what's wrong? Please, don't cry."

"I'm sorry, it's alright, I'll be fine. You can go."

He considered. For some reason he couldn't fathom, he knew she was crying because of him. Was she really, though? What had he done? He couldn't think of anything, but felt awful all the same. "I… I don't think I can. I get it, though, that you don't want to be around me right now. Can I just follow you from a distance until you get home? I really can't stand seeing you like this."

She laughed. He didn't know why but she laughed. The tears seemed to stop. "Thanks. That's very sweet. I'm fine now, I swear."

"Rory… what's wrong? Can I help?"

"No, I don't think you can. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you."

"OK, but still, you know you can tell me, right?"

"No… I don't think I can."

"Some people consider me quite understanding. After all, I've made all the mistakes in the book."

"I doubt it. And… I can't tell you. Yet. But I will, I promise. I'm just not ready yet."

He had no clue what was going on, absolutely no clue. He had never in his life felt so clueless. He was shocked. He wondered if that's how Rory had felt when he left, or when he came back for his car and wouldn't stop running away from her. He felt terrible. But, since he had been on the other side, the least he could do was being supportive. "Don't worry, Ror, you don't even need to tell me, I'll be here for you anyway – you know that, right?"

She looked at him with doe eyes. She seemed fearful, but nodded.

"Can I suggest something? It's one of those wonderful inventions that make people instantly feel better without the need of words."

"Are you talking about… prescription drugs?"

Jess laughed. "No, Gilmore: a hug. A plain old hug. I'll give it to you, and you don't even need to do or say anything. Just stay put."

Jess saw her doubt, so he encircled her slowly, giving her time to push him away if she wanted. She didn't push him, though, so he closed his arms around her completely. At first she didn't move, but he felt her breath deeply once and then return the hug, settling to his body. For a brief moment he almost reconsidered everything he had decided during the past two months. He had missed being so close to her. He had missed her scent. He could tell she didn't use the same toiletries anymore but still smelled like Rory. But he suddenly felt her weeping against his jacket, her face nestled on his chest, and those thoughts were replaced by pure concern. She wouldn't tell him anything, he knew, so he just stood there, in that close hug, hoping that she would at least find some relief in it. After a while she stopped crying and he kissed the top of her head. She broke the hug, slowly, while he returned his hands to her arms and searched in her face.

"Feel better?"

"Yes. It really is a wonderful invention."

He smiled, and he saw her smile back. "That's what I've been told. I had never tried one, though. Beats hitting a wall, if you ask me, and hurts a lot less. That's a lesson for you, Gilmore."

She laughed. "Thanks, Jess. I will go now. Please don't worry about me, I'm fine."

He nodded, but knew he was lying – he would worry. She saw her cross the street and leave, and he run back to the library. He found Doula where she left her.

"So?"

"Is it alright if we leave now, Doula? We'll go back home."

She nodded, understanding, and followed him out of the library. "So that was her."

"How did you even know?"

"You should have seen your face when you saw her."

"And how did you see it?"

"Peeped through some empty space in the shelf. Are you angry?"

"With you?" He stopped and looked at her. "Never." And he gave her a hug, which she returned with a kiss. "They're quite underrated, hugs. I'm starting to like them."

"Jess? You really must have messed badly for her to run away from you like that." That hurt, but she was right. He nodded. "Still, I also saw her from that hole, you know? And I really think she loves you back."

Jess dismissed her sister's words. He knew she was just trying to comfort him, but he appreciated it anyway. "I'll drop you home and will be back in half an hour for lunch. I need to do something first."

"Luke, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you. Alone."

Luke followed Jess out of the diner and to the back alley.

"OK, what's going on with Rory? I just met her in the library and she ran away from me. I caught her outside and she started crying big time. Is she OK? I'm really worried, Luke. Like, dead worried. Is she sick? Is she dying? It was not fair for you to tell me to move on if she is because I want to stand by her." He saw his uncle frown as if he was attempting a differential equation. Jess felt mad. "Man, are you listening?" He shook his uncle by the arms. "Is she? Fuck, just tell me already."

"No, Jess, don't worry, she isn't sick and she isn't dying, she's absolutely fine, in that sense, at least."

"Then what the hell is going on? I'm telling you, I had never felt dumb in my life and suddenly there's something I don't understand and I cannot stand it."

"I… can't tell you, kid. I really can't. It's Rory's life. She's just… figuring out stuff, but she's the one to tell you if she wants to, I cannot betray her. You're like a son to me, Jess, but… so is she. I can't say more. I'm really sorry."

Jess let out a breath and started pacing. "Well, as long as she is not dying. I guess she will tell me eventually."

"She will, I'm sure she will. So… she ran away? From you? And then started crying?"

"Yeah! She's been really weird with me lately. She was aloof at the wedding, then rang me one day out of the blue, and now this."

"That's weird."

"Wait, so what you know is going on with her has nothing to do with me?"

"Why would it?"

"Beats me! But you seem so surprised as I was of her running away from me."

"Yeah, I don't know. Have you done anything?"

"Oh, there we go. The town hoodlum wreaking havoc again. I haven't done anything!"

"Well, I had to ask! It's very weird…"

Jess stopped pacing, suddenly worried for his cluelessness being a genetic trait. "Luke, listen to me: is there anything in this situation that makes you think that what you told me over the phone is not valid anymore?"

He saw it. He saw doubt. Luke was slow in gathering his words. "And… what if it did? That ship had sailed, you told me yourself! And what about Martina? You two seem happy, Jess!"

He was right. He had lied to his uncle that day. When he saw her after four years and they were both available he had entertained the idea of a new chance for them. And he had pretended that it was not true. "I know. And I am. Was. I'm very confused right now. But listen, if there is a chance and you know, you need to tell me, because this is very serious. It's taking all my courage to be in a relationship again and it's not without its doubts, but I'm trying, I really am. It's just… it's Rory, you know? It's my life. It's not a rehearsal for the big play, it's the only shot we get and then we all die and I don't want to make it to that day wondering what could have been, and I don't want to be with someone without being 100% sure that there wasn't anything else for me to try in that regard, because I couldn't forgive myself, I just couldn't, and I don't want to feel that way anymore, you know? It's been fucking hard! I fucked up before. I fucked up and I made myself unhappy. I don't want to do it again. I swear I've become the fucking Jedi of feelings and I don't want to go to the dark side anymore. I try to be honest. With myself, with others, so I don't fuck up again. So help me out here. You should understand. You've been there, with Lorelai, right? Right?"

Luke hesitated but then smiled. He gave Jess a hug. "I know. I have. And I don't honestly know what to tell you about Rory, and that's a first, because I sure like to tell people what's best for them. But, you know what? You do you, Jess. You're way better at this than I ever was. Do what you think is right, and the rest will follow."

"Jeez, uncle Luke, do you buy love advice in my store? Because I've heard that one before."

"What?"

"Never mind."

Luke patted Jess and with a smile head back to the diner. Jess stayed in the alley for a couple minutes to recompose his cool façade, and then left the back alley absent-minded enough to bump right into Lorelai.

"Hey, step nephew! Distracted much these days?"

"Yeah, well, there seems to be an epidemic."

The quip wasn't good enough for his standards and certainly not enough for Lorelai's. He saw her coming up with a reply but then stopping. She seemed confused by his look, somehow.

"Are you OK? You seem… distressed, and the banter was no good. Come on, you can do better. We're family now, I forgive you. Give it a shot."

He doubted. He was really losing it that morning. "Lorelai?"

"Jess?" She was bewildered, he could tell.

"You're right, Lorelai, we're family. I know this offer is not going to come from your favorite relative in the world, but here it comes anyway. I know something's wrong with Rory. She hasn't told me what, but I can tell it's serious and I'm really concerned. If you, at any stage, consider that I could help Rory in any way, by being by her side, by bringing food or books, by kicking a snowman, whatever, will you let me know? I asked her what's wrong and she wouldn't tell me. I have a hunch it's a bit of Gilmore pride, I know the feeling well because I invented it. But I also know that, even at my most stupid, the unasked help of those around me made the world to me. So… will you?"

He saw shock in Lorelai's face, and was a bit surprised when he realized that even Lorelai had been probably just as clueless as everyone else in the most serious matters. "I… don't know what to say. I would really need to know that that's what Rory needs before doing so, but yeah, if I ever really know it, I will, for sure."

"Thanks. And I'll keep working on that quip for next time."

Jess made a gesture to leave, but Lorelai stopped him.

"Wait! There really is an epidemic, huh?" He smiled at her attempt to build a bridge between them. "So… you really care about her, don't you?"

"But of course, Mr. Emerson. What did you all think?"