Chapter 7 Angel's Landing
Cas put the rental in park and got out, pacing beside it.
"Cassie," Gabe said, getting out and rounding the SUV. He gripped Cas' shoulder.
Cas was shaking. He felt like he might vomit. 'What the hell am I doing? What am I going to say? I shouldn't have done this!'
"This has got to be done, Cassie. You should be here and you gotta talk to the guy."
"Damnit, Gabe, get outta my head!" Cas laughed, taking a deep breath.
"Little bro, I can read you like a book," Gabe grinned.
"I'm glad you're here," Cas said, hugging his brother.
"Got no where else to be just now," Gabe grinned, but Cas knew better.
Castiel walked through the lobby of Angel's Landing. He stopped to look at the spirit horse and angel sculpture on the wall. The angel looked determined. Castiel set his mouth in a firm line. He was determined. He needed to speak with Dean. He hoped beyond all hope he would be able to find him. He had no reservation. He had been afraid to make one. In fact, the resort was not open yet. Winter clung to the high cliffs, making travel too difficult to take reservations in April. But Castiel could not wait any longer. Lights were on and someone had to be around. He turned to the desk, his mouth dropping. Dean stood behind the counter watching him. He wore a hard look on his face. Not angry, but unreadable.
"Hello, Dean."
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Dean had just hung up the phone, taking a reservation call. He saw an SUV pull up and wondered who it was. Tourists were very scarce still.
His mouth went dry when he recognized the lean frame of Cas. Son of a bitch.
What confused him more was what he carried. Cas was carrying a sleeping child. He looked young, arms hanging limply, head perched on his shoulder, legs dangling. His hair was dark brown and tousled with sleep. Cas stopped at the angel sculpture as if he needed to consult it before he went any further. As he stood there looking up at it, the little boy's face was turned toward him. 'What is he doing here? How does he have the fuckin nerve to come back here? And...who is the kid? Is that Jimmy? God...he...the hair is exactly the same as Cas'. '
The little boy wore jeans and boots similar to Cas'. His puffy coat with dangling clip on mittens hid him a little.
Cas hiked him up gently and turned toward Dean. Fuck.
"Hello, Dean," Cas said. He was obviously surprised to see him. Although he had to have come all this way to see him. Again.
'What the fuck is he doing here? And that voice.' It pissed Dean off how Cas saying his name could make his body react in ways his mind did not agree with. He had kicked Cas out. He had told him not to come back. That he was not some yearly one night stand.
He shifted his jaw, willing his mouth to moisten enough to get a word out.
"Cas."
Cas looked down nervously, then walked toward him, stopping at the counter with a determined look on his face. His hair was wind blown and he looked tired.
"It's good to see you," he said stiffly.
"What are ya doin here, Cas?" Dean asked quietly, eyeing the little sleeping boy again.
Cas rolled his eyes, hefting the boy up again.
The little boy curled his arms around Cas' neck and wrapped his legs around his side tighter. One hand came up to rub his eye as he yawned.
"Are we at Angel Land?" The little boy asked.
Dean's mouth dried out again when the boy's eyes opened fully and he looked at Dean and then Cas and then back to Dean. His eyes were blue. Not just blue. Castiel blue. The kid was the spitting image of Cas. Dean's blood ran cold. Cas had a kid.
"Jimmy, this is Dean. Dean, this is Jimmy."
"Hello, Dean," the boy smiled, waving.
"H-hi there, Jimmy," Dean said quietly.
Another man came in the door, Dean watching in a daze.
He was shorter than Cas with light brown hair and eyes.
"Hey, Jimbo! You woke up," he grinned.
"Dean, this is my brother, Gabriel. Gabe, this is Dean."
"Huh," Gabe said, giving Dean a measuring look.
Dean just stared. It was like his world flipped upside down in less than a minute.
"Uncle Gabe, I have to pee," Jimmy said.
"Come on, buck-o, let's go drain your micro-bladder."
Cas sat Jimmy on his feet and Gabe took his tiny hand, walking him to the far side of the lobby to the restroom.
Dean tore his eyes back to Cas. "Cas, is that? Is Jimmy your kid?"
Cas shifted his mouth slightly. "Dean, can we talk?"
Dean leaned back away from the counter, trying to gain some perspective and equilibrium and air. Cas has a kid.
Talking. Cas wanted to talk. Dean crossed his arms over his chest, eyes narrowing. Cas wanted to talk.
"Please," Cas said with an edge.
"Yeah. Sure," Dean said, at a total loss of what the hell to do. He had told himself a million stories about what a jerk Cas was. How he had ditched him to be straight in the city. How he had mistreated him and left. But never had he considered there was a child.
Dean walked out from behind the counter, heading to the empty conference room. Cas followed silently. He flipped the lights on and leaned against the wall. The air in the large room was cold. He watched as Cas walked the length of the window, looking out at the snowy canyon. He circled the entire room coming to a stop a few feet from Dean. He pulled out a chair and sat at the large wooden conference table.
"I see you are not happy to see me. I know I was not invited. But I had to come. I had to talk to you."
"You coulda called," Dean said, feeling like a jerk. He walked to the table and sat down catty-corner to Cas.
"I did. Many times. But I never left a message. I was afraid...I just had to see you in person." Cas' voice was strong but his shoulders were hunched. His trench coat still on, he looked...'he looks wounded. Well, I didn't do that. He only wanted me for a boy-toy.' But even in his head the thoughts were wavering. Dean had to admit he had been hot-headed that night. But, it was so long ago. Every time Cas showed up, his life went into a tailspin.
"I need to explain myself to you Dean." He looked at Dean, his blue eyes piercing his soul. "I did everything I could to clear the slate."
"Clear the slate?" Dean asked, sitting back. "What are you talking about? And who is that kid?"
Cas looked away, clenching his jaw then turning back. "You once asked me if you could come to Chicago. I told you no. That I could not talk about why my family had such control over me. I came to tell you everything. To start from the beginning."
"You don't owe me that, Cas," Dean said, feeling like maybe he had effected Cas' life more than he thought.
"I do, Dean." He took a deep breath. "When I was 17, I got caught making out in my car with another guy. Luc told my parents. They freaked out. They made me go to counseling through church. I went to camp. A camp to 'help cleanse your evil thoughts'. I swore to everyone that I was 'healed'. When I went to college, Luc and Raphael showed up unannounced one night and I had a friend over, studying." He looked at Dean sharply. "We really were just studying. But my brothers decided I had been lying and my parents threatened to cut me off. I didn't care. I knew I was gay. I was ready to be on my own. I suppose Luc thought that was unacceptable. He took me out the next night and put drugs in my drinks." Cas slouched back in his chair, looking at his hands. "I had sex with a girl. Two months later, she told me she was pregnant." Cas looked out the window, pain in his eyes. Dean felt his anger fading. His resolve to not like this man fading.
"My parents paid her to disappear. They adopted Jimmy. He was to be proof that I was not gay. And that I was a failure like my real parents. Just another dirty miscreant bringing life into the world and not being fit to parent him."
Dean could see a weight practically crushing him.
"I was so lost. So confused. I hated myself for being gay. Hated myself for making a baby. Hated my parents for...making me be his brother." Cas scrubbed a hand over his mouth, taking a deep breath. "But I never hated Jimmy. The more I was around him, the more I wanted to be his dad." Cas stood suddenly, walking to the window to stare out. "They used to tell him his real parents did not want him. That he was abandoned. That his real parents were evil."
Dean had trouble accepting all this information. It was all so twisted. He watched as Cas wiped at his face.
"They used him to control me. My work. My personal life. Any step out of line and they would threaten to put him up for closed adoption so that I would never see him again."
Dean sat forward, shocked at the story. He watched Cas' back as his shoulders lifted and his chin raised. "Then I met you."
'Met me?'
"When I went home after we first met, I found the most ruthless lawyer I could find." He turned back to Dean, hands in his pockets. "I was a mess, Dean. Several months ago, the lawyer began dismantling my parents company. Luc and Raphael are in prison. And I finally have full custody of my own son. I'm ashamed of things I did at work. Ashamed that I was not stronger, that I didn't take my own son sooner. But I am not ashamed of being gay. And I am not too proud to show up on your doorstep for a third time. I'm sorry I was not there for you when you needed me. But I had to put my son first. And if anyone had known, it could have ruined the upper hand I had over my brothers."
Dean swallowed hard. Cas had been through hell. And he was sorry for not being there for Dean.
Dean stared at Cas' somber stance and expression. 'What do I even do with all this? I was so busy thinking about my own problems.'
"Cas," Dean croaked, "I just...had no idea."
"No one knew. Only my parents and my brothers."
"Gabriel?" Dean asked.
"Gabe knew. And he helped bring down my parents and my brothers. He helped me get Jimmy back too."
Dean nodded, his mouth still unable to stop hanging open.
Cas walked back to his seat, sitting. "I need you to know that I did come here to sneak away and be with you in secret. I was so used to hiding. I was terrified that if anyone knew, it would stop me from getting Jimmy back." Cas dropped his head, shaking it. "I was wrong for that. I was wrong for a lot of things. But...I just had no idea how to fix things. I had no idea how to be normal."
"Normal?" Dean scoffed, "Jesus, Cas. I don't know how you did it."
"I never meant to hurt you Dean."
"Aw, Cas," Dean slouched back, arms limp and head feeling full of cotton. "I just got so mad. So hurt. If I had known...I don't know."
"It was unfair. I wish I would have told you. I..." Cas grimaced, clenching his fist and then letting it relax. "I just needed you to know."
Dean nodded. They made brief eye contact, both looking away.
"Look, man, it's getting late. The roads get real bad here at night. Why don't you guys stay here tonight," Dean said. 'I gotta get out of here. I need to think. I need some space. But I don't want him to go. I just need a freakin minute.'
"Thank you," Cas said flatly. "And thank you for letting me talk."
"Yeah," Dean said, standing, Cas copying him. "Let's get you guys a room."
Cas followed Dean out to the lobby desk.
"Daddy, look!" Jimmy said, pointing at the wall sculpture. "It's you on a horse! Can we ride the horses?"
"No, buddy," Cas said, exhaustion in his voice. "But we are staying here tonight."
"Can we ride tomorrow?" Jimmy asked, hope shining in his eyes.
Dean wanted to cry. Throw up. And maybe pick that miniature Cas up and hug him, he was so cute.
"No, Jimmy, we gotta head out in the morning." He scooped the little boy up and kissed his cheek. His brother watched Dean and Cas both. Dean had the feeling Gabe knew everything. That made Dean even edgier. All he needed was some big-brother revenge issue. He programmed two key cards for one of the suits.
"I'll get the bags," Cas said, putting Jimmy down and rubbing his little head.
"Dad!" He laughed.
Dean watched the silent communication between the brothers. Dean put the cards on the counter and Gabe walked over, taking them.
"Ya know," Gabe said, pinning Dean with a look, "my little brother is a lot of things. But easy isn't one of them. If you want something to work here, you're gonna have to take a step."
Dean bit his lip, looking away.
"He's taken thousands for you."
Dean swung his gaze back to Gabriel.
The door opened and Cas reappeared with three bags. Gabriel went to take one and the three of them went into the elevator. The doors slid shut, Cas never looking at him again.
Dean picked up the phone, dialing a number. "Adam, can you come watch the phones in the lobby. I need a break."
Ten minutes later, Adam walked in. He was tall and lanky at almost 16 years old.
"Phones busy?" He asked, tossing his jacket into the back office.
"A little. And we have guests in 607."
"People came? Are they crazy?"
"Yeah, well, they should be fine. I just figured they could stay the night."
Adam looked at him closer. "You okay, Dean?"
"Yeah. I just need a minute."
Dean left through the back door walking down to the stables. Every step away from the hotel cleared his thoughts. It was bitter cold. The ground crunched under his feet and he buried his chin in his coat. He slid the stable door open, coming in and closing it. The horses eyed him, always looking for treats or attention.
He stopped next to Chopper's stall, the horse stepping forward to stretch his head out. Chopper nosed his shoulder and Dean pulled his hand out of his pocket, rubbing him. "He's back again."
Chopper blinked his big brown eyes.
"That bastard just keeps coming back."
Chopper's ears swiveled.
"Yeah, I know you like him. You don't know everything though." Dean rested his head against the stall door frame.
"What don't we know," Bobby asked, making Dean jump and Chopper toss his head up.
"Jesus, Bobby!" Dean said, turning to glare at him.
"Sorry, didn't know I was interrupting a Hallmark moment with the horse."
Dean glared deeper, pacing to the other side of the aisle and back.
"Freakin Cas showed up tonight."
"Cas?" Bobby said, surprise evident.
"Yeah. Shows up to apologize for last summer."
"Kinda late for that," Bobby furrowed his brow. "Pretty impressive he showed at all though, really."
"Huh," Dean huffed. "Showed up with his kid."
Bobby hooked the gate to the stall next to Chopper's that he had been in. "He has a kid?"
"Apparently. He has a son. Jimmy. Kid's like 4."
"So...Cas is what? Married? Straight?"
"No, no. The kid was the result of his asshole brother drugging him at a party, then his parents adopted the baby and used it as leverage to keep Cas in line."
"What?" Bobby huffed, jamming his hands in his coat pockets. "I knew those people were no good. Knew it."
"Yeah," Dean admitted, following Bobby to the stable door.
"Poor guy."
Dean screwed his mouth up.
Bobby gave him one of his appraising looks. "You had a daddy that did you wrong Dean. But that poor, dumb kid had nobody. Got tricked into havin a kid of his own, then they took that too."
Dean gritted his jaw. "So that gives him an excuse to come here and use me like a doormat?"
"No, Dean. I doubt he meant it that way. Sounds like his family had him by the short and curlies. Probably scared they'd git ahold of you and make your life hell too. Family like that? Coulda damaged you a lot."
Dean looked out at the setting sun as Bobby walked to his truck. "You ever think you got SO mad cuz you cared SO much?"
Dean huffed. "Maybe."
Bobby got in his truck and started it. "Lotsa people come and go here, Dean. None ever riled you up like he did. Probably means somethin."
He shut the door and drove off, leaving Dean. Dean shuffled around the parking area awhile. Maybe Bobby was right. Cas was trying to fix things. But he had a kid now. Too many maybes. He pulled at his own hair, kicking some rocks.
He walked back into the stable, calling the one person who would always look out for him.
"Heya Sammy, whatcha doin?"
"Hey, Dean! Just workin on an paper."
"You got a minute?" Dean asked, his voice sounding tight.
"Yep."
"So...Cas showed up."
"At Angel's Landing? In winter? Damn!"
"Yeah, yeah. Impressive. Whatever. He told me why he left last year. And what he's been doin. Apologized."
"Yeah, he went through hell."
Dean stopped pacing the aisle, "What? You knew?"
"Dean, it was all over the news. I tried to tell you, but you told me never to talk about him."
"What was in the news?" Dean asked.
"His parents insurance company was denying medical procedures and medications that were supposedly covered. The two older brothers and other higher ups were fraudulent as hell. Cas and another brother were expunged. Apparently there were constant death threats and other kinds of blackmail. Cas and the other brother reported all kinds of shit they dealt with growing up."
Dean paced. "You shoulda told me."
"Oh, no. I tried to bring it up. You damn near knocked my block off for talking about him."
"So, you know about the kid?"
"What kid?" Sam asked.
"His son? Cas has a son."
"What! No."
Dean told Sam all he knew about Jimmy. It had all been kept out of the news, protected as a minor.
"Dean, are you gonna talk to him?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Come on! The guy keeps coming back for you! And I know damn well that you are still in love with him."
Dean pulled the phone away, glaring, then returning it to his ear. "I never said anything like that."
"No, you didn't have to. I know you, Dean. I know he pissed you off. But you gotta let it go."
Dean stopped in front of Chopper's stall. "He's got a lot of problems, Sam."
"Yeah. So do you."
"I do not! What problems do I got?" He yelled.
"Oh, let's see. Anger issues. You hold a grudge just like dad."
"Sam."
"Dad issues, you feel trapped, let's see...struggles with sexuality."
"Alright, that's enough," Dean said weakly. He wanted to deny it. Wanted to be stronger than he was. But he just couldn't.
"You know it's true. You carry around that little stone in your pocket, Dean. You obviously still care about him."
Dean felt the stone in his pocket like a piece of hot lava. 'How the hell does he know that? He only talked about it once!'
"You get that stone out every time you get too drunk. I've heard more details about you and Cas than any brother should have to hear. Mom knew too. And Bobby. And Ellen. Hell, I bet Adam too."
Well shit.
Dean sat heavily on the floor. He had been fooling no one but himself.
"Let go of all that anger, Dean. Don't be like Dad. I think Cas made you happy. I mean, there had to be more to it than the guy was a good lay."
"Jesus, Sam!" Dean flinched.
"What? I know he hasn't always been there when you needed him, but it sounds like he wants to be now. And...the dude had his own shit to deal with. And you weren't there for him during any of that."
Guilt and anger tugged in his mind. He stewed. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe he had been so holed up in his own little world, that he had missed out.
"Dean? You still there?"
"Yeah."
"Please go talk to him. Just...try."
"Yeah. Okay, Sam."
"And, call me to tell me what happens, Jerk."
"Yeah, yeah. Bitch."
They both snickered and Dean hung up.
Dean stood up, looking at Chopper. "Fine! I'll go talk to the guy. But I'm just talkin. And you just keep your pushy opinions to yourself."
Chopper tossed his head and Dean walked out, locking the stable.
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Cas laid in bed, Jimmy tucked in beside him. Cas was reading a chapter of a Loius Lamore novel to him. Jimmy tried not to let his eyelids close but finally lost the fight, falling asleep.
"That has got to be the weirdest bedtime story I ever heard," Gabe laughed.
"What? It's a western. Jimmy loves them."
Gabe sat on the side of his bed. "Are we really leaving in the morning?"
"I guess," Cas sighed.
"We flew three hours, drove three hours, and you're just gonna leave after one conversation?"
Cas shrugged. "I told him everything. He's still angry. I mean...I show up uninvited with a kid. What was I thinking?"
Gabe shrugged. "That he was worth putting your heart out there. I don't know."
A knock on the door, drew both their gazes to the door.
"Maybe two conversations will do the trick," Gabe snickered.
Cas got up to answer the door. He was in pajama pants and t-shirt.
His heart rose to his throat seeing Dean standing there. "Cas, can we...talk?"
Cas turned to Gabe.
"I got this!" Gabe motioned at Jimmy. "He's so high maintenance though, it'll cost ya."
Cas smiled weakly, turning back to Dean. "Yes."
The hotel was empty except for them, giving it a rather eerie feel. Dean pulled out a keycard and let them into the suite next door. The room was large, with a table and chairs and small kitchenette, couch, two queen beds and a bathroom. Dean turned lights on and sat at the table.
Cas sat as well. He could not help but look at Dean, but dodged direct eye contact.
"I just needed a minute to think," Dean said.
Cas nodded.
"So," Dean rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "congratulations on Jimmy."
Cas half grinned, caught off guard. "Thanks."
"I mean, that had to be a lot to go through. All of it."
Cas nodded.
"My parents split up shortly after you left. My dad and I got into it pretty bad. But I made him understand that he could like me the way I was, or he could leave. Mom and my brothers backed me up."
Cas was watching him closely. "I'm sorry your parents got divorced. For my part, anyway."
"No, don't be. Because of you, I dealt with something that was...drowning me. And honestly, everyone was happier."
"Was?" Cas asked.
Dean nodded, clearing his throat. "Mom died last month."
"What?" Cas asked, reaching toward Dean but stopping. "Dean, I am so sorry."
Dean nodded. "Viral pneumonia, she got sick and...just could not get better and then she was just...gone."
Cas shook his head thinking of the pretty blonde. It was hard to believe she was gone. A painful look crossed Castiel's face.
"What?" Dean asked.
"Nothing. It's just...I have wished you were with me or I was with you every day since I met you. And you have been through some terrible, terrible things and I could not be there for you. I just...I just wish I could have been."
Dean nodded, making Cas' heart ache. "Me too, Cas."
They sat a moment in silence.
"So," Dean said low, "what's it like? Being a dad?"
Cas grinned. "Tough. I had to tell Jimmy everything. And he's so little, ya know? On one hand he doesn't quite get things, and on the other hand, he just forgives and moves on."
"I heard him call you daddy."
"Yeah, when I told him, he started right away." Cas laughed, "He told me that he knew. Told me he heard it in a dream and knew it."
"Wow," Dean said, shaking his head. Silence ruled for several moments, until Dean spoke again. "It's crazy how much he looks like you."
"Yeah. I'm getting that a lot lately. He's a good kid."
"Look, Cas," Dean said, Cas locking eyes with him for the first time. "Maybe you could stick around a few days. You don't have to rush off. We can take Jimmy for a trail ride anyway."
Cas bit his lip, nodding. "That would be great Dean, thank you."
"Yeah," Dean said gruffly.
Another minute ticked by. "Gabe knows everything about us. All I told Jimmy was that you were a friend and we had a fight. That I was coming to say I was sorry. No expectations."
Dean nodded. "Let's meet at the stable at...10:00? We can take Jimmy for a ride."
"He'll love it. I'm afraid I have given him horse fever. He can't stay away."
"Runs in your blood," Dean grinned. "You're a natural. Makes sense he would be too."
They exchanged a smile, then remembered their tension and sobered.
Cas got to his feet. "Thank you, Dean."
"You're welcome, Cas," Dean said, following suit. They went out the door and Cas went back to his room with a quick wave.
The next morning it was all Cas could do to keep away from the stable until 10:00. Jimmy was having a grand time playing with some toys Cas had picked up yesterday on their way into Escalante.
Cas sat on the floor of a large conference room, leafing through a Homes & Land magazine while Jimmy set up his trucks to race again.
"Wanna play, Daddy?" He asked.
"I do," Cas said, closing the magazine and crawling to a truck.
"What's in the book you're looking at?" Jimmy asked, eyes so blue and curious that it made Cas chuckle.
"I was looking at places to live. I think you and me need a house."
"Oh, I want to live here!" He said jumping to his feet, eyes wide.
Cas laughed. "You want to live in a hotel?"
"Yes! We can sleep in a different room every night so we don't have to make our beds!"
Cas snagged him by the waist and bear hugged him to the floor, tickling him. "So after we sleep in and mess up over a hundred beds," Cas laughed, "then who makes them all?"
Jimmy laughed, pushing Cas' hands away then gave him a look as if he was so silly. "The maids!"
Cas laughed, hugging Jimmy tight and kissing the soft hair on top of his head. They had three truck races, then went to change for riding.
As they walked up the lane toward the stable, Dean came through a gate on a horse.
"Wow," Jimmy said in awe.
"What?" Cas asked, sitting him on the top rail of the fence.
"That's Dean. He's a real life cowboy."
"Yeah," Cas said, just as dreamy.
"Hey guys!" Dean called, trotting up to them. "You ready to ride?"
"Yes!" Jimmy said bouncing up and down, hands clenching into tiny, excited fists.
Dean felt a crack in his foundation of stone he had built up. His wall of anger and stubbornness. That little face, so excited and Cas watching him, so happy. It hit him that that was what seemed so different from Cas this time. Although the two of them had baggage to deal with, the haunted, wounded looks were gone. He was smiling. Proud. Warm and loving.
"Well, let's get you saddled up," Dean said, his voice cracking slightly.
Cas and Jimmy came around to the stable, walking down the aisle of horses. Dean unsaddled the paint he had been on and put that saddle away. He brushed him off quickly and brought out Chopper.
"Wow! He's so big!" Jimmy awed from Cas' hip.
Dean laughed. "That's what your Daddy said when he met Chopper."
Cas greeted the horse fondly, impressing Jimmy very much.
"So," Dean said, saddling Chopper, "How old is Jimmy?"
"He is 4. He rides tiny ponies in a fenced in arena at the place we rode at. His class is working on trotting."
"Excellent!" Dean said, Jimmy beaming. "Is Gabe coming?"
"No," Cas said.
"Uncle Gabe said we get you all to ourselves," Jimmy grinned and Cas blushed.
Dean caught Cas' eye briefly as he tightened the cinch.
"I think for today, he can ride with you. Unless-"
"That would be great!" Cas grinned.
"Okay, then you two get Chopper."
"Wow!" Jimmy's excited eyes looked intimidated.
Dean laughed again. "That's exactly the face your Dad made the first time he rode Chopper, and now they're best friends."
Jimmy grinned shyly. "You ride him?"
"I have," Cas said.
Dean busied himself saddling Trigger while Cas and Jimmy wandered around the outdoor pen on Chopper, getting used to him.
Dean pulled the cinch tight, fastening it and leaned his head against Trigger's shoulder.
"I can't fucking do this, Trigger. He's so...I'm not gonna make it."
Trigger reached around with his nose and nipped at Dean's elbow.
"I can't even look at that kid without wanting to freakin cry."
Trigger pawed the ground impatiently.
"I know. Man up. Be the good guy. I am the good guy," Dean muttered, leading the horse out to the ring. He mounted and took a quick walk around, letting Trigger stretch.
"Is that Trigger?" Cas asked, looking slightly nervous.
"Sure is. And don't let his history on trails worry you. That was two years ago, Cas. He's as sound and calm as the rest of my crew."
Cas nodded.
"So, how far you want to go today, Cas? We could go to Perdition or on up to Angel's Throne."
"You have angel thrones?" Jimmy asked. He was seated snuggly in front of Cas, hands on his thighs.
"I have a whole angel playground here," Dean grinned, sweeping his arm out to encompass the view of the canyons.
"Do you know what Dean taught me?" Cas said quietly as they followed Dean to the trail head. "When he was a little boy, like you, his mom told him that little boys play in sandboxes building sand castles and angels played here, building these canyons."
"Wow," Jimmy said in awe, looking out at the canyons with new eyes.
Dean closed his eyes a moment. His mom would love this. She would be so excited that Cas was back. That this dear little boy was his. She would have told Dean, just like Sam had, to let go of his frustration and anger and move on. He took a deep breath.
They walked all the way to Perdition before stopping to take in the view.
Cas and Dean relived the moment they had their two years ago, silently, in their own thoughts.
"Whatcha think, Jimmy? Should we go on or turn back?" Dean asked, glancing at Cas.
"Go on!" Jimmy wiggled. "Daddy, can I ride with Dean?"
Cas' smile slid away as he glanced down at Jimmy. "No, buddy, he..."
"I don't mind," Dean grinned.
Cas' eyes darted to Dean. "You sure?"
"I'll be extra careful. Promise."
"Please!" Jimmy wiggled again.
"Alright, but sit still and be good."
"I will!"
Dean walked Trigger tight against Chopper and Cas lifted Jimmy's tiny frame over, Dean taking him easily to sit in front of him. As Dean's arms settled around Jimmy, Cas felt a lump in his throat but shoved it down.
"Take a picture!" Jimmy said, so excited to be with a real cowboy.
Dean walked Trigger ahead of Cas and turned him as Cas pulled his phone out.
Cas snapped 6 pictures, Jimmy beaming and Dean with a gleam in his eye that made Cas' stomach flip. Dean took his hat off and put it on Jimmy for one. As Jimmy turned to look back and up at Dean, a radiant, awed smile on his little face, Dean looked down at him and grinned. Cas captured the moment and put his phone away. "Got it," he said, grinning, but his voice caught slightly.
Dean put his hat back on and turned Trigger to lead the way up the trail further. Cas watched as the deep caverns and steep cliffs passed them. Every few feet the view changed so dramatically. They reached Angel's Throne. A giant rocky formation, that looked like a massive chair, sat high on a perch overlooking the canyon. It was breath taking.
Dean and Jimmy had been talking all the way, but Cas could not hear what they were saying. He was sure Jimmy was asking a million questions, but Dean still wore a warm grin and an easy smile. As they stood, looking at the throne, Jimmy said, "My dad is an angel."
"He is?" Dean asked, glancing at Cas, who blushed slightly.
"My uncle Luc said he is a bad angel. The angel of Thursday."
Dean's jaw clenched.
"But I don't believe him. My daddy's good."
Dean instinctively wrapped an arm around Jimmy, hugging him slightly. "I know for a fact that he is a good angel."
Jimmy nodded, smiling.
"Alright, angels and Cowboys, it's time to head back down. It's pretty cold up here," Dean said, a strain in his voice.
As they made their way down the trail, Cas took in the sights. This could be his last pass through here. One thing was for sure. If he left here today or tomorrow, he wasn't coming back. Ever. Unless Dean called. He knew in his heart he would always come if Dean called.
Back to the stable, Dean swung down and lifted Jimmy down as well. "There ya go, partner. You are a great rider."
"Thank you," Jimmy shivered.
Cas dismounted and led Chopper back to his stall where he unsaddled him and he and Jimmy brushed him.
"Come 'ere, Jimmy," Dean called.
Jimmy gave Cas an eager grin, eyes twinkling. "Go ahead," Cas grinned. Jimmy ran out to the aisle with Dean and followed him into the tack room. Cas hefted the large western saddle onto his hip and carried it into the tack room, putting it on an empty rack on the wall.
Dean was sitting at the desk, pulling open a drawer. He pulled out a badge. "You earned one of these today. It says, Junior Ranger Rider."
"Wow!" Jimmy exclaimed, taking the shiny plastic badge.
Dean pinned it to his coat. "Now, when you ride by yourself, you get to earn one of these," Dean said, showing Jimmy a real metal badge that said Angel's Landing Stables.
"Woah," Jimmy said, eyes big. "I'm gonna earn one."
"Okay," Dean laughed, ruffling his hair.
Dean turned back to Cas. "Would you like to come up to the house for lunch? There isn't much at the resort besides coffee and snacks."
Cas wanted to. He nodded. But he was a bit nervous about getting any kind of hopes up. And he was more nervous of how much Jimmy liked Dean. The closer they got, the harder it would be to leave.
"Adam's at school, so it's just me."
"Thank you. I should get Gabe though, he's probably starving."
Dean nodded and they walked out of the barn, Gabe coming up the lane. "Saw you kids come back, thought I'd check in."
"Uncle Gabe!" Jimmy hollered, running to him.
"Jim-Bob! How was the ride?" Gabe asked.
"Awesome! And look, I earned a badge!"
"Aw man, very cool! How bout I take you out for some lunch and some ice cream?"
"We're eating at Dean's house," Jimmy said, glancing back.
"Hey," Dean said, "all I got is tuna fish. And I don't have any ice cream."
"Oh," Jimmy said, glancing at his dad.
Dean had to laugh at how polite the little guy was trying to be. He tossed Cas a look and Cas quickly caught on. "How about I eat with Dean and you eat with Gabe. That way everyone has a friend to eat with."
Jimmy hesitated, looking longingly at Dean.
Dean knelt down. "You and Gabe can come to my house for dinner, okay? And you can meet my brother, Adam. He's a cowboy too."
"Really?" Jimmy looked so excited. Dean nodded. "Okay, if you're sure."
"I'm sure," Dean said seriously.
Gabe and Cas exchanged a look. "I'll meet you back at the room later," Gabe said.
Cas nodded, watching the pair trek back to the hotel and get in the car.
Cas and Dean exchanged a look, both turning and heading for the truck to ride up to the house.