Lying to Logan

The six-hour flight to London was tough. She spent half of the flight puking and the other half going over her encounter with Jess. She was sure it had been the clumsiest, most desperate display of a disturbed mind in the history of humanity. And he had been… amazing. She had been a bit surprised of how well he had managed her when she thought about it on the way home, but then she wasn't surprised at all. That was Jess. He had become that person. For a moment, she wondered if he had gotten so good at communicating feelings after what had happened between them, if he had learnt a tough lesson then, but then dismissed the thought. She didn't think herself that important. She didn't think she deserved to be that important, after having fucked up everything so irrevocably. She didn't deserve such a person. But he had been amazing. And she knew he would always support her, even if she didn't tell him what was going on. But, what would he do when he knew? He would probably support her still, even if he was disappointed. She cried. She didn't even have the right to think about those things. He was with someone else now, and she knew one thing: she couldn't be old Rory anymore. She couldn't destroy another relationship, and especially not Jess'. He didn't deserve it, he deserved to be happy and with someone who wasn't as fucked up as she was. And even if he was available, what would she ask of him? To start a relationship with a pregnant woman? To Jess, who had never had a father figure, as herself, when he grew up? She knew he was far too responsible to be messing up with such things. She promised herself she would stay away from him.

She thought how he still smelled the same, minus the leather jacket, the hair wax and the cigarettes. Damn, she had had a really hard time with that hug, she had just been a melting pot of feelings and she hadn't known which one to fight off the most. She had really wanted to rip his clothes apart and have him rip hers, at first. But then, she had wished for him to hold her all night and caress her, and to forgive all of her mistakes, and to whisper to her that everything would be alright, so there was that. But she couldn't think about those things anymore, that ship had sailed for her. How was she going to avoid those thoughts further on? She needed to stop if she had to stay away from him. She cried while crushed against the corner of her tiny seat by a large, snoring Hasidic jew. It was like an ironic biblical punishment. She had definitely hit rock bottom.

She met Logan in a posh, quiet cafeteria in Chelsea. She had chosen the place – she had wanted to avoid the uncomfortable moment of ordering drinks before the truth was out. She had allowed herself a real coffee, though, just that once. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and sat down with a smirk on his face.

"Let me tell you, Ace, that I've never been so intrigued in my life. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Uh, well, I need to tell you something, and I need you to hear me out before saying anything."

"Then please get started, the suspense is killing me."

Alright, here she came. There was the moment she had been preparing for all those months. She prayed to whatever gods were available to a horny, clumsy, pregnant former adulteress and underpaid bookshop assistant to help her stay strong. "Well, alright. Here I come. Alright." She took a sip of her coffee.

"Ace! Out with it, I'm dying here."

"OK…I'm pregnant. It's yours, obviously." His face betrayed shock. "So here's the part of the speech I need you to hear out before saying anything: I'm keeping the baby, but the way we left things still stands for me. I think there's a reason that we haven't been official these past years, and it's because we are not really it for each other, in case you were wondering if I'm here to break your marriage or anything. I don't want any money; in fact, I won't accept any money. If you feel in any way obliged in that sense towards the baby, by all means, feel free to put money aside for it. Oh, it's so weird calling it it. Anyways, the most important part. If all these conditions seem reasonable to you, I will be more than happy for you to be in the baby's life in any way you feel comfortable with, and we can work it out, as long as I keep the custody and control of major life decisions such as schooling. You have a right to being in its life, ugh, its, and that's why I'm telling you, no hidden agenda. Oh, yeah, one last thing: I want it to be a Gilmore. I think, with the current situation, that would be the smartest. And that's it."

Logan seemed mad. "Wow, you do seem to have everything worked out. Are you sure you didn't get pregnant all by yourself?"

She noticed she had hurt him and she felt terribly bad for it, but she knew she was doing the right thing. "I truly believe this is the best way."

"Is there anyone else in your life?"

"What?"

"Because, you know, it would have been much easier to just go on with it and have whoever be the pretend dad, you know? Since I don't seem to count for anything."

"No, Logan, there's no one else." And it was true, after all. As much as she wanted, nothing was going to happen with Jess. "I think… I think it's a lot of information for you to take in now. It's taken me a long time to get here myself. I think you should think this through and we can talk about it again, I'm staying until tomorrow. Please, let's do this right. I want to do this right for you as well. Here." She got the contract out of her purse. "Check it out. Have your lawyer revise it."

"Do you think I care about any of this, Rory? It's our kid, that's how I want to think about it, not like a scandal that needs to be covered up. You are really insulting me by doing this."

"So, how would you go about it? Tell me, because two heads think better than one and perhaps you're right, perhaps there's a different way, but believe me when I tell you that I've been thinking about this constantly for two months and this is the best I have come up with, so give me a bit of credit here."

"I don't know, Rory." He had stopped calling her Ace. "I mean, you want the world not to know it's mine. That hurts."

"That's not it, Logan. The few people that know of course know it's yours. If you're in this, the baby will know. But I'm not marrying into your family, and you are still marrying Odette, aren't you? I can't see how a Huntzberger heir that doesn't come from your marriage would be something you wanted." Logan conceded with his face. "And do you honestly feel bad because I don't want any of your money? I work in a bookstore! I'm absolutely broke! Let me assure you that a big fat check would be the easy way out."

"Why are you working in a bookstore, anyway? You could do better, Ace. Did you go to the meeting with Condé Nast?"

"I couldn't, I couldn't do better. I could pretend that I'm doing better, pretend that I have a lavish life that would make it seem for you that I'm doing better, but it would all be a lie. I don't want to pretend anymore. I need to start with baby steps, no pun intended, and be truly independent from everyone. This is the way. It's not necessarily going to be pretty."

"So, what: are you hoping that your little book will be a best-seller, the next big American novel, and you'll have your Cinderella story? All writers starve."

"That was uncalled for, and I've heard that contempt for a writer before. I don't like it. I never said that I expected the book to save me, but it is something that brings me joy. You should be able to gauge the importance of it, because it is important for me."

"Wait, is this what it is? That Hemingway friend of yours has convinced you to join the beat side of life? Are you all buddy-buddy with him now?"

"Stop. There's nothing there. I don't like this, it's really hurting me. I truly want to do things right. I know what right means to me. I think you need to think about what it means to you and come back so we can discuss this as adults."

Logan stood up to leave but then sat back again. "You're right, Ace. I'm sorry." He put his hand on the table and Rory grabbed it. "First things, first: how are you?"

She smiled. "I'm fine. Puking at regular intervals, but fine."

"You've been holding yourself like a queen so far. And you look great." He paused. "How's the baby? It's still an it, I gathered from your uncomfortable use of pronouns, right?"

"The baby is fine, and yeah, it's a mystery, still." She pressed Logan's hand. "I'm sorry if I broke the news this way. I truly thought it was best."

"I know you did. And sorry for hinting at an involvement with someone else. I was afraid."

"But I was with Paul before and you didn't mind."

"No, I didn't mind that. I would mind you having feelings for someone else, though."

"Logan…"

"I know. I know."

"Well, you don't need to worry about that." And what else could she say? She couldn't even worry about it herself.

"It's just hard, you know? This feels really final."

"What do you mean, Logan? It was final the last time as well."

"Was it? I though it was final long ago but we've still had the last two years. I thought… I don't know. That maybe, after the wedding, if we gave it some time… we would find the way to each other again."

Rory took her hand and put it back in her lap.

"Ouch."

"I'm sorry, Logan. But it really was final for me."

She hated the version of Rory Gilmore she saw through Logan's eyes. She despised it because it was real for him, because that's who she had been. She wondered if he was right. If she hadn't had the rude baby awakening, would they have eventually gone back to the old ways? He truly believed it. It was a sour pill to take.

"Don't worry. I can see that now, Ace."

She took a breath. "I loved you, I really did. I still do, and I guess I will always do, in a way, like I will always be there for you, if you need me, just not like that. You want me in your life in a way I can't accept."

"And if I didn't? Are you saying that the only problem is Odette?"

She had feared this moment more than anything else. He was handing her option B. She considered it for the last time. After all, she had destroyed all possibilities of having a chance with Jess, and it was Logan. She loved him, somehow. Perhaps they could make it work. Perhaps that would be the truly selfless thing to do, for the baby, to provide a life that would be easy. But that hadn't worked so well for her. No, it hadn't. She suddenly understood that she had been a much better version of Rory Gilmore in her first, humble years in Stars Hollow, than with all the commodities of the world when she grew up.

"I think… not, Logan. I think we're not right for each other. I think if we were, we've had many chances of figuring it out over the years. I think that's not the way to approach this. A part of me wants to say yes but it's not the part that I'm most proud of. It wouldn't be right. I need everything to be right, from now on. It's not for my sake. There something more important now."

They left the cafeteria and went different ways. Logan promised to go through the documents and think about everything so they could discuss it again before her plane left the next day. She walked to her cheap B&B. She felt sad, but she had done the right thing, and that felt good. She was going to be alright. After all, she had succeeded in the most challenging test of her life. She was finally confident that she would be able to let Jess go. She also cared for him deeply, selflessly. He deserved better. She would make right by him from then on, regardless of her own feelings. She truly wished him all the happiness in the world.