Christmas Presents

It was a crisp Christmas morning. Jess feared that snow would slow him down so he left Brooklyn early, but the roads were fine, so he stopped the car in a gas station right outside Stars Hollow to make a bit of time. He didn't want to be too early, and he was a mess. He didn't sleep well. He spent the night trying to fight off images of Rory naked. He had become, over the years, quite good at not masturbating to his wildest dreams. The only problem was that, in order to not do it, he had to forgo masturbation at all. Once he was at it, it was impossible to stop the images from coming in, and he always felt really sad afterwards, because he couldn't have the real thing. But he had given up last night. He considered for some hours not doing so, but then again, he hadn't masturbated at all lately – after all, Rory was back in his life, and there was no fighting back images at that stage. He accepted, in the end, that if he was to spend the day near her, it was probably safer to get some release. And, since he was doing it purposefully, he didn't fight the images back.

It was amazing what fifteen years of repression could do. It was plain unhealthy. It was wrong. They had such a chemistry, it was sinful to not have it realized in a physical way. It went against nature. And he was very physical, but it was not only that. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to be with someone with such strong feelings, but he was pretty sure it would be life-altering. He was always torn, in his fantasies, between gentle and wild love-making. He wanted to lift her up and enter her against a wall roughly, to really feel her clench around him, to make her come and still have her beg him for more, and then give it to her. He wanted to thrust her doubts away, to make her realize she would never need another one, to spoil her for the rest. He wanted her to see that it was worth it, in the end, to have someone want you so completely and to not be afraid of taking it all in. Although, in a way, he feared the feeling, too. It was undeniably overwhelming. He wondered if she was afraid of that too, if that was the reason they had never been together; if she was simply scared. It was understandable. The feeling was really powerful. He knew that, somehow, she could always see that hunger in him, much as he tried to be gentle while kissing her. And he would also love that, too, being gentle, caressing her with a feather touch, kissing her every nook and cranny, even the most overlooked ones, like her ankles, or the fold behind her knees, or in between her fingers. He wanted to lick her softly, to use nimble fingers to go around and inside her, to hold her close at night, to fall asleep breathing in her neck, her smell all around him. In the end, he was glad he had masturbated - the smallest thought or detail triggered his longing too fast.

He decided it was time to face his fears, but before he carried on he went to the public toilet and splashed his face. He had spent thirty minutes that morning deciding what to wear. He hadn't taken that much time in dressing since high-school – since dating Rory, actually. In the end, he had settled for a snug, dark green merino sweater and a pair of black jeans. The hair just had to be its own way – there was no taming that beast. He accepted that he was as ready as he was ever going to be, as absolutely clueless of the situation as ever, and as deep in as always, so he drove away.

He found Doula sitting at the stairs of the inn. He was really glad he hadn't gotten the presents out of the trunk yet.

"Jess!" she gave him a hug. "You need to come see the reindeers."

She dragged him to the stables. He only realized after a while that they were holding hands all the way. "Hey, cool!"

"Oh, they're just reindeers, Jess: grow up. We just came so I could tell you that your girl is here!"

"You're really mischievous, Doula."

"It's Lorelai's daughter! I hadn't realized! You're almost cousins. It's like super weird."

"That's the smallest of my problems at the moment."

"Cheer up, you look good! Really un-stupid clothes, well done."

He smiled. "Well, your dress is great, too. And I'm very happy you approve of my outfit. It took me ages to decide."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and I'm not proud of it."

"OK, let's go back. No, wait, let's make a plan."

"Alright. What for?"

"Huh… two signals. One to get you out of a situation and one to… I don't know. Two seemed to make more sense. Anything you can think of?"

"The getting out one is fine. I'll… give you two winks." They shook hands. "Let's do this, partner in crime."

"No, wait!" His sister seemed worried.

"What's up, kid?"

"Nothing, just that… Kwan is also here."

Jess kneeled and put a hand on Doula's shoulder. "Doula, you would be the best girlfriend a boy could wish for. Just be yourself. And remember everything about the way he acts and I'll dissect it for you later."

He kissed her and then both headed back to the inn, hand in hand. He was asking her about Matilda when he suddenly saw Rory, standing alone at the door of the inn. She was smiling shyly at him. Doula let go of his hand.

"We forgot one signal for get out. We'll do… blinking with both eyes!"

And just like that, Doula darted away. Jess approached Rory being very aware of the beating of his heart.

"Hi."

"Hey."

He couldn't tell if she just blushed or if her face had already been flushed from the winter cold. She wore her grey coat open, as if she had been inside and had just put it on to go out shortly. He wondered if she had gotten out just to greet him. She looked really good. She was wearing a loose aquamarine sweater and black skinny jeans with some old trainers, and looked less made up than she did lately, which he liked. The color of the sweater really complemented her eyes. He suddenly realized they hadn't said anything for a while.

"Quick, Gilmore, come give me a hand." She followed him to his car. He got out of the trunk a big bag, and from the glove box a small wrapped-up present. He handed her the bag. "Can you put these under the tree yourself? I don't want Doula to see."

She smiled. "Sure."

"And this one's for you." He handed her the wrapped present.

She looked surprised. "Can I open it?"

"Yeah, I guess it would be pretty lame otherwise."

She didn't even glare at him for the remark, she just left the bag on the ground and unwrapped the bundle happily. "Jess…"

It was an old copy of Oliver Twist. "It's a first Alta edition, not a real first one. Those are hard to come by. But I find the covers of the Alta's to be much prettier."

She looked up and smiled as if she kept a secret. She was definitely blushing. "Thanks. Yours is by the tree. I'll go bring these by the kitchen now." She grabbed the bag and started to walk but then stopped and turned. "Do you think… we can talk? Later? After dinner?"

Jess nodded, and she went through the back. He headed for the main entrance. He would have never confessed it, but he was a bit worried about how everyone would take his presence – after all, he was still town hoodlum to most. But he quickly realized he shouldn't have worried at all. Luke gave him a big hug that was less awkward than usual. His mom was beaming and telling everyone how well his son was doing and how handsome he was. TJ was just… well, TJ, happy to show off his Crocs. Lorelai gave him a quick hug, and smiled to him while thanking him for coming and for the present she had already spotted with her name under the tree. Michel, his husband, Sookie, Jackson and their kids were there, too, and all seemed OK with his presence. It was a relief to have Zach and Lane as well, at least he could start a conversation with them. Well, and there was Ms. Kim, who glared at him as soon as she saw him, and who he avoided as well as he could. He greeted the Van Gerbigs with a small nod and a smile, and they returned it.

"I've been checking everything you recommended, Lane, thank you so much. You know, I had hated Heaven or Las Vegas back in the day but…" Rory joined them, smiling. He had lost his train of thought completely. OK. Cocteau Twins. He brought back his Mariano blank stare. "Yeah, I've really enjoyed it this time. I'm quite obsessed."

"Really? It was the easter egg of the whole collection, I wanted to check your shoegaze tolerance there. And I didn't go for My Bloody Valentine or anything harder, I just went with the girliest shoegaze I could think of, to its true dream pop roots. Since you were into strong female leads and all."

For a second, Jess thought Rory was beaming when she turned to hear his reply, just as his mom did earlier showing him off. He thought he was losing it. "Well, I'm a believer now. Not a Bieber fan, just a Cocteau Twins one. It's weird, when I put it on I imagine it would have been Emily Brönte's favorite had she lived now, it's all very dark romantic…" He saw Doula winking at him repeatedly from a corner. Liz was trying to rub a stain off her face and he could tell his sister was mortified. "I need to go, I'm on brother duty."

He went and enquired Liz about her business, distracting her from Doula, but then Liz ran off to ask TJ if he had warned Ms. Whatever that her shipment was delayed. Jess exhaled, relieved that he wouldn't need to bear that conversation, and went back to Doula to check how she was doing, but she strongly closed both eyes. He turned and saw Kwan approaching her and traced back his steps. Someone grabbed him and pushed him behind the stairs. It was Rory.

"What was that?" She was whispering.

"What?" He lowered his voice too, unsure of what was going on. He just knew she was really close to him.

"That, with Doula. She made you a signal. Do you have a code? I saw her winking at you to help her get rid of your mom and then when Kwan approached her she made you a sign. Was it for you to get out? Why did she want you out?"

Damn Gilmore. Wait, had she been spying on him? "I cannot tell you, it's a secret. I can't betray her."

He saw Rory think hard. She was really cute. "I see… No, you can't betray her. Still… OK. You can't tell anyone that I told you. Especially not Lane. We're talking serious stuff here. Like, life-changing stuff. I've never ever done this, and I've done some pretty bad stuff. I hope I'm doing the right thing here… because I'm betraying my friend so that you don't betray your sister, Mariano!"

"What is it? Jeez, the intrigue is killing me."

Rory got close to whisper the answer in his ear. She smelled of a light vanilla conditioner and sweet Rory pheromones. He repressed the urge to grab her and kiss her passionately against the wall and then with a sweep carry her up her stairs to his room, regardless of the audience.

"Kwan is in love with Doula."

He was stunned. He forgot about the kissing. "Are you serious?"

Rory nodded. "Come on! Say something! Did I do right, Mariano?"

She did. She really did. He felt truly happy for the first time in a while. "You know what? You just made my Christmas. She's going to be so happy. Wait, should I tell her? What do you think? Jeez, I suck at this. I told her earlier that I would dissect everything Kwan did and I don't even know if boys still smack the girls they like anymore. Do they? Damn, I'm a terrible matchmaker."

Rory dropped her head to one side, smiling at him. "Oh, don't worry about it. I think you're just perfect."

Had she just said he was perfect? She was blushing again and receding, she sure had realized that what she said had come out different than she expected. Should he kiss her now? He was seriously considering it when Lorelai showed up.

"Come on, it's time to open the presents!"

They all gathered around the tree. The kids went at it first – there was no stopping them. He watched how Doula opened his presents first, and he felt a pang of pride. He had gotten her the whole Roald Dahl collection of children's books, and a Super Mario video game he hadn't spotted at Lane's. He knew she didn't have a Wii at home, but that way she would have an excuse to go play regularly with Kwan.

His mom scolded him. "Jess! You know we don't allow a console at home!"

He looked at Doula, who was staring at him. "Yeah, well, I messed up. I guess I'll return it."

But he winked at Doula when Liz turned her head, and his sister ran between everyone and jumped to gave him a big kiss. The whole party oohed and he was mortified, probably blushing for the first time ever, so he lowered his head. When he brought it up a while after Rory was staring at him, but she also turned her head quickly. He looked around but there was no escape, Lane was nodding and smiling at him from a corner, knowingly. Then it was an opening presents mayhem. Frederick got Lorelai a beautiful scarf that was much better than his husband's scented candle. Michel got really annoyed at Lorelai for not remembering how much she had liked it when the night manager of the Independence Inn had given her the same present once. Unfortunately TJ got Jess some red Crocs, as if he would want to draw attention to himself when wearing them. Liz got him the latest best-seller, which he couldn't have cared less for, but was grateful for the gesture, and Luke and Lorelai got him a beautiful navy jumper.

"You know, this is a present I won't actually return. I really like it. And the size seems OK."

"Well, Lorelai chose it, so there you go."

He kissed his step auntie. "Thanks, Lorelai. Would you mind selecting my present from TJ next year as well?"

She laughed and agreed. "I guess, since we're all a big Croc cult now." She opened his present next, and was shocked.

"I know Rory got it once for you but lost it. I found it in a vintage vinyl store a couple years ago and got it for you. It might be even the same one." It was the Go-Go's vinyl signed by Belinda that Rory forgot in the bus after visiting him in New York.

"I… I don't know what to say. And you've kept it all this time?"

"Well, yeah. You're family, after all. I know we haven't been close but I always thought I could give it to Rory or to Luke so they could give it to you, but then you invited me, so it worked out perfect. Thanks for inviting me."

"Thanks for coming, Jess. You've left me speechless, and that's a first."

Lorelai turned and left and he knew she was going to tell Rory, so he took advantage of the fact that she would not be watching him and looked for her present under the tree. It was definitely a book. He opened it and saw it was Oliver Twist, Alta edition, the exact same one he had gotten her. He was flustered. He got up and turned around. Rory was staring at him from across the room, with a face he thought was probably mirroring his own shock. She turned and left, avoiding his gaze. For perhaps the first time since she went to Philadelphia, he had the feeling that they had a chance. But the memory of the last attempt and the acknowledgement of the depth of his feelings scared him. He was terrified, but also hopeful.

They all moved to the dining room for the feast Sookie had prepared. He felt Rory's gaze on him whenever he was not looking at her. As soon as they finished eating he said goodbye to Doula and left without telling anyone else, headed for the bridge.