Telling Jess

The sunset was near. She headed for the bridge, she had a hunch she would find him there reading, waiting for her. And she had been right. He was arched over a big book, deeply concentrated. She sat beside him, close enough so that their coats would brush if they moved. It was only after she had settled herself that he raised his head and looked at her. His face was blank, but kind. She could tell he was wearing his Jess mask so as to hide his emotions. Which, she didn't know.

"Hi, Gilmore."

"Hi, Dodger." His mouth twitched for a brief second, but he regained his blank face quickly enough. She saw it, though.

"Is the book good?"

He handed it to her. "If you're wondering if I have gone soft over the years and I'm reading a romantic novel as did Doula, let me jump ahead and tell you that it's not."

She looked at him. He was smiling. "No worries, I know it. I haven't read any of them, though."

"I can lend you the first one, if you want. Though this one's better."

"Thanks for the vinyl, Jess."

He looked at her, his face serious. "Thanks for the book. You have good taste."

She doubted. She needed to get going before he was too nice to her and she couldn't finish what she had come to do. "Jess…"

He grabbed the book, put it aside and looked at her. "I'm here."

"I need to tell you something. A lot of things. But I'm really afraid."

"I have to confess that I lied to you the day of the hug. I've been really worried about you. I don't know what it is that you think would be so horrible, but if it's any help, you are doing me a favor by telling me. I don't want to worry anymore."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"I went to Luke and asked him if you were dying right after seeing you. I was that worried."

Her heart started beating faster. She repressed a sudden urge to cry. It would have been a release to do so, and she didn't deserve a release, or being comforted. But, by stopping herself, she just made her heart beat even faster.

"I'm truly sorry, I… I don't know where to start."

"Can I tell you my theory?" He was trying to make it easier on her. It broke her heart.

"Yeah… I'm really intrigued."

"Like, if it is what I think it is, I don't know why you would be so upset about telling me, but who knows?" He looked at her, curious. "You cannot laugh, you need to promise me." She nodded. "OK… I think… you've become a lesbian and are finally giving your romantic relationship with Paris a shot." She laughed. He was really trying to make it easier for her, and he was succeeding. "Hey, don't laugh! Have you seen you too? You are like the Odd Couple. If it's not that, I can't understand why you've stayed friends for so long."

She totally forgot the reason for the conversation. "So, you wouldn't mind if I became a lesbian?"

She had hit a sore spot. His face went blank again. "OK, I was trying to break the tension with my theory, but that doesn't mean that I'll let you put the focus on me now. We can talk about me some other time."

He wasn't angry but he was dead serious. The nervousness came back. "OK. I'm pregnant."

She saw shock in his face, but he didn't go back to his blank stare, he just looked confused. "And… why would that be bad? Why would it be so hard to tell me? You really scared me there. Is the baby OK? Are you… happy about it?"

She didn't know what to make of his reaction, but she decided that, if she was to do things right, she would need to be sincere regardless of what she believed he thought. "Don't worry, the baby is fine. It's supposed to be the size of a passion fruit now. I don't even know what size that is, like, I don't think I've ever eaten an apple in my life. And… I'm really scared. I actually haven't been happy about it… yet. Which is weird, because I've decided to have it, I just couldn't not to, but the happiness hasn't kicked in. I… I needed to figure out too much stuff and without doing that, I don't think I'll be able to be happy for a while."

He bumped her affectionately. "Congrats, Gilmore. You're going to be a mom. I know you'll be a terrific one."

"I really don't want to cry, but did you know that you've been the only person that has said that to me?" She repressed a sob.

"Hey, I imagine everyone around you is concerned for the same practical reasons as you are, so perhaps they haven't had the chance to see it as something good for the world. I'm just more… detached of the situation. I still don't see why it would be a problem to tell me."

She looked at him and saw him nervous, there were many hidden questions behind his statement. Was that really happening? Was he asking her what was going on with… them?

"I… Can you let me explain some other things before going back to that? And can you not say anything until I'm finished? I let you make it easier for me earlier but I don't want you to do it anymore, I don't deserve it and I feel really guilty about it."

"Ror…"

"Please. Just this once. It's going to be uncomfortable, so if you agree you will need to accept that."

She saw the look of apprehension on his face and doubted if she could go till the end, but he nodded, so she didn't have time to think about it anymore. She exhaled. "I don't like the person I've been these past years. Do you know how I found out I didn't like it? It was the book, really. You pointed the single thing that made sense to me in a really long time. And it's something good, something amazing. And nothing had been, for a really long time. And I realized how I had pretended so. I wanted to believe I was in control but I wasn't and I knew, but just kept on pretending." She stopped. She needed to regain strength for going on. "I've… done things I'm not proud of. Right now you probably think you don't want to hear them but I need to tell you about them because I… OK, I'll leave that for later, I swear I'll tell you why, but I need to do this horrible thing first. The baby is Logan's, blonde dick at Yale to you. We were cheating on our couples with each other for some years. I decided to quit after I started writing the book but this…" her hands hovered over her belly "…happened, and I think that, if it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't have had this rude awakening. The book would have made me happy but perhaps I would have messed up sooner or later again, thinking that there were no consequences to my acts. But at least I know that I need to do everything right from now on so I don't become the source of my own unhappiness again. I couldn't stand it. And I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings by my selfishness in the process anymore. Especially those of the ones I care most. I need to become the mother the baby needs." She looked at him and he nodded, understanding. She nodded back and continued. "You know I cheated on Dean with you, what you don't know is that I slept with him soon after you visited me at Yale. He was married. I broke his marriage. I don't think it was going well anyway but I still did. I've made a reckless dent in my trust fund and grandad's inheritance." A single tear fell when she thought about her grandad. "I somehow think he would hate me now for being pregnant and having decided to raise the kid on my own, which I'm going to do, in case you were wondering. But it doesn't matter anymore. I failed to see over the years that I shouldn't have been thinking about the opinions of others when figuring out my life. It was a flawed way of assessing. For my grandparents I was fine as long as I was not dating someone below their status. For Logan I was fine as long as I behaved like a rich heiress. My mom… she has been good. She really calls me on my bullshit. But she stopped doing so after a while. I guess she was worried about losing me as she had done before. Isn't that a horrible thing? That my mom, who's done everything for me, would be worried about losing me for calling my bull? I must really be a horrible person. But even if I look up to her, she has also misconceived things in the past, like she never saw any good in you." She lowered her head. She couldn't look at him for the last part. "I have the feeling that, for you, I'm fine as long as I'm happy and being fair to others. Nothing more. And those are the only standards I will set for myself from now on. And I need to thank you. I haven't done so and that just shows you how selfish I've been." She forced herself to look up. Jess looked like a ghost. "Thank you. For pointing the book to me. And for yelling me about dropping Yale and being angry at my mom. And I'm sorry for what happened in Philadelphia. As much as I've fucked up everything else over the years, I could somehow be fine if I hadn't done that. But I did, and it's only fair that you know that I'm sorry. Well, and for everything else I've told you so far, which is a lot."

She stopped and let him gather his thoughts, if it was even possible. He scratched his head and looked at the pond. "You didn't say why it was so hard to tell me about the pregnancy."

She hesitated. "No, actually."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think that you would need to hear anything else if you hated me for what I just told you."

"But, even if I did, wouldn't it be nice to finish what you have started? You've made it this far."

"OK, I'll tell you: it's just that I didn't want you to think badly about me. I couldn't stand it."

He seemed confused. He was not buying it. "That makes no sense, Ror. There's still another reason behind that."

She was shaking. "I… can't."

"But why?"

"Because… It's not fair."

"You cannot be the judge of everything, Ror. If there's anything that concerns me, I need to know."

She started crying. She had promised herself she wouldn't do that to him. She stood up. He looked up from where he was sitting. He suddenly looked tired and sad. "I… won't be that person anymore, Jess. Not with you. I could never forgive myself. I know you are happy now, and I don't want to mess that. I wish you all the happiness in the world, from the bottom of my heart."

She turned and walked away quickly, hoping that she had done the right thing, but unsure about it. Was Luke right? Did Jess deserve to know, regardless? She heard leaves crushing behind her and his hand on her shoulder. She turned.

"Ror, if that's the only reason why you wouldn't tell me, let me clear it out. I broke up with her."

Her stomach turned. She felt dizzy. "Why? I heard Luke telling my mom a while ago that you were very happy… with her."

"That doesn't matter now. I told you I wouldn't let you put the focus on me yet. Now you know. So tell me – why?"

"I can't. I'm really scared."

"Believe me, I know the feeling. But you'll be forever scared of what's behind the door if you don't open it."

"Did you know? Before you did?"

"As well as you do."

She took a deep breath. "OK. I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that, when I did, I would forever ruin the possibility of us."

She exhaled and looked at Jess. He smiled a very small smile. "And how do you think that would work? Us, I mean."

"I don't know."

He smirked. "I thought you had it all figured out now."

She looked away, shyly. "Well… not all. I didn't want to think about this."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want to get my hopes high."

"What do you want, Ror?"

"Well you certainly are not trying to make it easier on me now!"

He laughed. She had cracked and he laughed about it. He seemed almost… happy. "Go on, give it a shot, Gilmore. The sky's the limit."

"Please… don't be cruel. I know I haven't been the best, but… you haven't even told me if you hate me and if you do, it really is going to crush me." She lowered her head, embarrassed, but then felt Jess hand close on top of hers.

"I'm sorry. You are right."

She looked up. He was smiling at her, and she recognized the soft look from her fantasies. His hand was shaking a little bit. What was she saying? Was she saying that she wanted to start a relationship with him while being pregnant? Did that equal that she wanted Jess to be the dad? She hadn't allowed herself to think about the possibility of them because she thought it was lost forever, and now it was in front of her, holding her hand. Would he still want to give it another go? She realized that the figuring out was not finished, not by a long shot, but what was sure was that he would need time to process everything before even considering those questions himself. After all, she had confessed some horrible stuff and was pregnant. She wanted to kiss him wildly, but she controlled herself.

"Why don't you… think about everything I've told you and… I'll come up with an answer to your question and then we can… brainstorm together? Believe me, no one else knows better than me how unsuitable I am to be asking anyone out." That had totally slipped her mind.

"Are you asking me out, Ror?"

She felt like running away but quickly decided against it. She decided to be brave instead. "That would be the first part of my answer, for sure. But I can come up with much better things… if the sky is the limit." She blushed but didn't turn her face to hide it.

"OK, Ror. I think it's a sensible plan." He let her hand go, and the separation physically hurt her. "Thanks for telling me. I know better than anyone how hard that was, and I really respect what you did. It is a lot to take in at the moment but I will think about it as quickly as I can. And my first sentiment still stands."

"Which one?" She was confused.

He leaned, and after kissing her on the cheek, he whispered, "Congrats".