Doubts

Conflicting feelings came in waves. Rory wanted to go out with him, and that made him happy. But Rory was pregnant with Logan's baby, and that was a dramatic and complicated twist. Rory had done a brave thing acknowledging her mistakes, and he was proud of her for that. But she had made those mistakes, regardless, and some of them concerned him genuinely. It was true that he had made mistakes in the past. But when did isolated mistakes become character traits, forever ingrained into someone's personality? Was Rory a serial cheater? He didn't know.

He had always known there was an element of delusion in love. He had loved Rory as nobody else – had he mistaken the feeling with the object of affection? Who was Rory, really? Perhaps he was just better than the rest at seeing her better side, and worse than everyone else when assessing her mistakes. That worried him. He hadn't been by her side when she slept with Dean. Did she actually lose virginity with him? That made him shudder. He hadn't been there when she cheated on poor P., whoever he was, or when she pretended to be a rich heiress. Would he have loved that Rory as well? He wasn't so sure. He would have probably despised her. But she had also acknowledged her mistakes, and in the end, wasn't real love about accepting people as they truly were?

Did he, though? Did he love Rory? Was that the way to tackle the whole situation? Should one really do anything to be with the person they loved? Perhaps not, perhaps one should do whatever was rationally better for oneself. But, could he be happy, moving forward, without giving their feelings a chance? Could he try to go back to Martina and leave things as they were with Rory, forever to wonder what could have happened? What was the choice he would be most comfortable living with for the rest of his life?

The main question was an entirely different one, though. The whole thing was not about of love anymore, or about wanting to be with each other, or about working out all their history, but about something much more complicated – which didn't make the rest of the questions any less hard. He understood perfectly well which question he needed to answer first, and it was if he would be eventually be willing to be the father to Logan's kid. As simple and life-changing as that. After that, he could tackle the rest.

Surprisingly, that question was really easy to answer. Yes, he wouldn't mind. He felt Luke was almost like his father. Rory did, too. How could he deny a kid of a parent on the grounds of genetics? He had been a fatherless child, and couldn't have cared less if his father figure hadn't shot the sperm. Of course it hurt – it hurt like hell. Of course he would like it to be otherwise. But, ultimately, he didn't mind. He shouldn't mind. He would have not respected himself if he did. He had never seriously considered becoming a parent because he had always wanted to find a life partner first. He did want to become a dad, eventually, and had sometimes thought that, when the moment arrived, adoption would be the way to go – there were too many abandoned kids in need of a parent to be sorry for not fathering a brand new one. The current scenario was perhaps not so different. But figuring out the life partner part was crucial, and he really needed to nail it. Did he want Rory to be the mother of his children? That was a much more serious question, and one he didn't have the answer for. He didn't have any of the answers.

And then, there was a question of strength. Could he stay away from Rory now that he knew she wanted him? Could he stand being in a room alone with her and not kiss her? Could he just walk away because everything was too complicated? He didn't think himself so strong. He settled for letting Rory do the thinking for a bit longer, as she seemed to had gotten better at that. He got his jacket and run up to Lorelai's house early. Rory opened the door still in her pajamas.

"Oh, hi…"

She was really cute with her hair all tousled and her quirky pink and yellow duck print pajamas. He needed to stay focused. She self-consciously felt the top of her head, where her hair was most messy.

"Are you laughing at my PJs?"

"I'm not laughing, I like them."

"I feel like I've been drained of social etiquette in regards to you. Is do you want to come in acceptable? I really don't know where we're standing."

"I wanted to talk to you really quick. I didn't want to wait because this is so fucking complicated that I think the longer we think alone the craziest everything gets. Still, if you would prefer the privacy of the house," he pointed at Babette's, "that's fine."

"Mmmm… OK, come in."

He followed her to the kitchen. She sat down at the table and he chose the furthest chair, opposite her. "In the spirit of full disclosure, I will warn you though that I'm staying far away from you."

"Why?" She seemed concerned.

"Because we still haven't figured out anything but I really like those pajamas on you." He saw her blushing furiously. He really liked that too. "I don't want to make it harder on myself. There are things that we need to talk about and I need to keep restraint. It's going to get really complicated otherwise."

"So, tell me."

"Can you see a way out, Ror? Because I can't, for the life of me."

She hesitated. "Do you… want to see a way out?"

"I don't know. There are too many things going on at the same time. I always thought things should be easier."

"Yeah, I know…"

They looked at each other intently. He wanted to jump the table and rip her pajamas off. And they had only been together for two minutes. He was a muddle. "So, what do we do now, Ror?"

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Like, I don't have the answers to all the big questions, but I know some things. I know I don't want to die without having kissed you again. I know I want to know everything about you, for real this time. I know I want you to know me, too. I know I want to know how it feels having you inside me. I know all of that."

It was like a punch on his stomach. He knew those things, too. He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "I want to run right now so this doesn't become the biggest disaster ever. For either of us. But… I can't."

"I'm ready, Jess. To figure everything out."

He raised his head. "Like, now?"

"Yeah, but let's not do it now." She looked at her attire, embarrassed. "But let's, as soon as possible, please. I really need to."

"Why?"

"I understand your doubts, believe me, they're mine, too. I stayed up all night thinking about everything. But I want to work them out. With you. I want to do it together so we can at least try to make a decision that doesn't make the other person unhappy."

He was surprised at how clear she had everything already. "OK."

"Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? I'm inviting. Paying. So it will be casual."

He thought about declining. He seriously considered running away. But he couldn't. "OK. I'll pick you up at 7?"

"Great."

He went to the door, Rory following him close. He stopped. He had to voice his doubts. "I have to say it, Ror."

He turned. They were very close. Rory was standing uncomfortably and, when she saw him looking at her, she crossed her arms in front of her chest – as if he hadn't noticed already she wasn't wearing a bra.

"Shoot."

"I cannot see how this could work. It's like… there are so many things against it. I would first need to know that your mistakes are not who you are. You said some very worrying things yesterday and I'm not naive, I think you still need to tell me some more about why you want this to happen, and it needs to click for me. And there's stuff I need to tell you too, about how I fucked up in the past. I also need to apologize for many things. With everything that you've decided, about the pregnancy and raising the kid alone, why do you even want to try this? I think you're in the right path. From what you've told me, I really think you should do this alone. And I know it's crazy for me to say all of this so soon, but you are not in an easy situation, Ror. There's not room for messing up."

She nodded firmly, and it reassured him. "I promise I will tell you about it later. I have thought about it." He thought he would at least hear her out. "Oh, one other thing. Are you… going back to New York soon?"

He honestly didn't want to, but he didn't want to crash in his mom's couch, and he had checked out of the Dragonfly already. "Like, I don't have to until the New Year, there's no way my writers would want to meet with me in the holiday season, with all those opportunities to drink and revel in family dramas. I thought I would see what we talked about and decide next."

"I was thinking that I could go now and get my stuff from Luke's apartment so you could stay there and I'll stay here." He didn't want to disturb her, but she must have guessed his thoughts because she resumed quickly. "I mean, I was going to, anyway, since Luke and mom went to Nantucket with my grandmother."

"I really appreciate it. Have you heard TJ going on about Crocs?"

"No need to thank me, you have more right to it than I do. And he not only told me, he gave me a pair as Christmas present."

"Jeez, me too. Red ones. I'm telling you, those things are to attraction what garlic is to vampires." They stood awkwardly in front of the door. He didn't know what to do. Rory fidgeted with her top with her arms still crossed over her chest, avoiding his stare. "Ror?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't… hate you." Her eyes remained fixed on the ground. He didn't push her to look up. It was also easier for him that way. "Like, do you hate me? For not graduating? For not taking you to prom? For being the worst boyfriend ever? For having left? Because those are things that have haunted me for a long time."

She looked up, perplexed. "I don't hate you. At all."

"You know, I didn't have the guts, back in the day, to do with you what you did with me yesterday. So… I really admire you. And… I know you've messed up and that you will need to work on that, but… please, don't be so hard on yourself from now on. After all, you are trying to do things right and have realized what you've done with amazing clarity. Some people never even get there. Own it. And the rest I promise we can talk about… without hard feelings."

He wondered if she had looked at things that way, because she seemed shocked. But even after all of her confessions, after all the big questions and doubts, he still believed that he was the one to blame for not being together anymore, so he didn't have the right to be angry at Rory for fucking up. He kissed her quickly on the cheek and left.