A Real Date

Jess showed up at her house at 7:10. She imagined he was giving her extra time to get ready, and she had really needed it in the end, so she appreciated his pretend lateness. They kissed awkwardly on the cheek at the door and then Jess made her a gesture to follow him to the car. They got in.

"Is it actually a car thing? I didn't even think about it."

She nodded. She was really nervous. "Well… we're going to this Italian restaurant in Hartford. It's more Godfather-y than fancy but it's really good, and they have this private table that I thought would be good for… well, talking. It seems like a place the mafia would close deals in. At first I thought about staying at home because we have serious stuff to go through, but then decided against it."

"We can stay home if you like, it's fine for me. I just want to talk."

"Yeah, well… I don't. I mean, the house seemed too… dangerous."

He nodded, understanding, and started the car. "To Hartford it is, then." He turned on the heater but Rory just took off her scarf. She wanted the big reveal to be in the restaurant. "How does this work, Ror? Is the car like safe ground and we avoid serious stuff here? Since I can't really see your face and all."

She was relieved that he at least looked as nervous as she was. "Yeah, that works." They drove quietly for a while. She imagined he was looking for light subjects to talk about as she was, finding none. She finally broke the silence. "So… wintery weather, huh?"

He laughed. "Jeez, I know. I was dying there trying to come up with something that didn't seem like a minefield. Like, I really wanted to ask about how you are doing with the book but then realized that you haven't said anything about it and decided against it."

"Good call, because it falls in the serious category. But I will talk about it soon. I was planning on it."

"Great, because I really want to hear about it."

"You know what? Your topic works, actually. Jess, are you writing anything these days?"

He smiled. "As a matter of fact, I am. I have been for the last umpteen years. Since The Subsect, really."

"But you published a short story collection. And I saw they published one of the stories in The New Yorker. I have the number at home. I loved them all. Particularly Going Home."

"I didn't know you had read it."

"I've been regularly googling you these years. I wanted to read more of your stuff."

He smiled. "I feel flattered. I don't think I deserve it."

"You sure do, so don't fish for compliments. So, how is the novel going? You've been at it… what, ten years? That's a lot."

"I know. I guess it's the second novel syndrome or something. It's getting there, though."

"Can I read anything?"

"You could, yeah, soon… Yes, I think I would like you to be a beta reader. Would you be up for that? Would it be weird?"

"Are you serious? I'd love to! I feel like it's my true calling."

"You do? I know I'm getting into muddy waters here, but I had the impression that you were not so into literature anymore. Like, I don't see you carrying books or totally absorbed reading in a corner these days. But when I suggested about the book and you seemed so happy… I don't know. Perhaps I am wrong."

He had noticed. "You're really observant, Mariano. You know, nobody had pointed that out. Not even mom. But you're right. It's one of the things I had lost… along the way. I just realized myself not so long ago. There's a bit of burnout involved as well, like I read so much in Yale and preparing to get in, that it became a sort of obligation, and I hated that books had become that. But not anymore. I miss them."

"To be honest, I get that myself. I've gone full months without reading anything. Except writers' manuscripts, I mean."

"I'm doing a Comparative Literature masters. I'm starting next month."

"Really? That's awesome. Where?"

"In Columbia."

Jess was quiet for a while. "So you'll be in the Big Apple a lot?"

"Yeah."

"That's good." He briefly looked at her and smiled. "So, why?"

"Remember the job at Chilton I was offered? I don't think it's such a bad plan, after all. For a family life, I mean. And I believe I would enjoy myself. So yeah, that's why."

"It sounds like a great plan to me. I mean, you'll be working school hours and the baby will eventually attend school, so… Unless, of course, you decide to raise your kid The Wolfpack style."

She laughed. "Nah, I think I'll stick to the old, boring schooling system." She remembered a previous car ride with Jess and couldn't help but ask. "Do you think I'll manage? Like, with the kid and the masters and book? I know it's a lot."

"Is this like that Christiane Amanpour thing?" She was happy that he remembered. "Don't worry about it, Ror. You'll be fine. And hey, what if it takes you a bit longer to finish? It's not a timed race." She smiled. "Have you considered telling Chilton about it? Perhaps you can do part-time until you get your masters or something, I'm sure they have people going on leave or sabbaticals all the time."

"Yeah, I'm planning on going there when the holidays are over. We'll see."

They were quiet until they reached Hartford, but it was not so uncomfortable anymore.

They parked a bit far from the restaurant and walked in silence. When they went in a cheerful Italian old woman brought them to a private room. The restaurant looked stuck in the seventies, and the walls were covered up with black and white pictures of seemingly dodgy people eating there.

"This is awesome, Ror. Totally Godfather I."

She smiled and took off her coat. She had selected a slinky navy blue wrap dress that she hadn't worn since she found out she was pregnant. She still didn't show much, but she did in that dress. She chose it to make it easier on him to decide if it was going to be a problem. She saw him staring.

"You can tell."

"I know… I thought I would let you see so you could decide if it was a problem. Visually or otherwise."

"You look amazing." He looked at her with hunger.

"Thanks… you too."

He did. Under his coat he was wearing a casual grey shirt that really complimented his body. The jeans fit him as good as always. They sat down face to face. Jess made a gesture to speak but the waiter came in ordering drinks, so he stopped himself.

"I'll have a virgin Bloody Mary."

"Me too. And some water."

The waiter left the menus and left.

"You don't have to, I mean, I don't mind if you drink."

"Well, I'm going to drink – a virgin Bloody Mary. It wouldn't be fair that I took the edge off and you couldn't."

She smiled and nodded, quickly changing subject. "Well, I recommend their home lasagna, it's not the typical, it's filled with radicchio and gorgonzola and nuts, it's lovely. And the pesto gnocchi and the amatriciana pasta are good too." The waiter came in with the drinks. "Can you give us ten minutes? We're not ready to order yet."

"You sure are bossy, Gilmore." He was smiling at her, but she could see he was nervous.

"I… want to get some things out of the way first. I want to tell you what I would like to happen between us. And then I will tell you whatever you need to know and hopefully I will be able to ask you stuff, too." He agreed and she inhaled deeply. "I want us to happen. I know it's not the best time to have arrived to this conclusion but it's the way it is, I cannot undo things. I know… things will get serious soon. Really soon. I've started to show. I'm like a ticking bomb. But I haven't exploded yet. I… share all your doubts. And then have bigger doubts on top of yours. The way I see it, we could go our separate ways knowing that there's something between us that we can't work out. But it's been fifteen years since our paths split up and I don't want to risk not finding you ever again, it would be a huge mistake on my side. I don't think I could live the rest of my life knowing that I had the chance and lost it forever. I don't even think it would be fair on the child, either, to make it the reason for my unhappiness. Especially when I think that, if I took that decision, it would be partly because I'm scared. And I wouldn't expect you to wait for the conditions to be perfect, so… Here's the deal I'm offering. I don't want you to think about the big baby questions yet. They entail finding other stuff about us together first. We don't really know each other anymore. So, let's give us a month. We'll date. And during this month I promise I will answer the big Rory and Jess questions you have. And if, by the end of the month, any of us still thinks trying to figure everything out is not a good idea, we let it go, no hard feelings. I have plan B already mapped out. It's a plan I could live with for the rest of my life and be proud. But l won't close the door to this. At the moment it doesn't clash with any of the decisions I've taken about my life. And if we can't figure it out, I will let you go forever and be happy that we at least had a month together. I'll be fine as long as we are open about everything and you know that I wish you all the best."

She offered her hand for a shake. Jess looked at her hand with a puzzled look on his face. He seemed to be fighting a big war inside him. He finally took her hand softly, without shaking it, and kissed it very softly.

"OK, Ror. But the least I want to do is hurting you. If I ever think I'm about to, I'll disappear."

"You won't. I know you won't. But please, don't ever disappear again."

"But I've done it before. Hurting you." He looked sad.

"And I've hurt you too, and still you're here."

He lowered his head, her hand still on his. "OK. One month. To be honest, I don't think I have the strength to be away from you, especially now that I know you don't want me too."

She pressed his hand. "Me neither. I think… I would break myself trying. Or that I would be reckless. I want to do things right, this is too big. You are in my life anyway, I don't want us to just have sex some day because of this unbelievable tension and then be sorry about it. I want to face this. For some reason I have the feeling that you are a person who thinks outside the box. I know you're true to yourself. At least I want us get to know each other on that level – person to person. For real."

"Me too. I'd love that."

"You're like a soul friend to me, you know? One that I want badly."

"I want to kiss you, right now. And we haven't even figured out anything."

She stared at him. She wanted him to, as well. But it wasn't kissing, not really. Since he took her hand she felt they were not even talking anymore, just making love in any way they could, speaking low, looking into each other's eyes, hands touching. He softly rubbed his thumb on her palm. She closed her eyes automatically. It felt too good. It made her center pulse. It felt like sex. Holding hands suddenly was the most unchaste thing she had ever done. If he carried on she was sure she could reach her release, just with his soft touch. He kept caressing her and she gasped.

"Ror… look at me."

She did. His face was shaken with desire, his mouth slightly open – he was also panting. He put his free hand on the table and placed hers on top, palm up, using his freed fingers to caress her skin from top to bottom. Rory looked how he did it, mesmerized. He changed direction and lightly stroked the fold between her fingers. She moaned. He grabbed her hand, kissed the middle of her palm and placed it on his cheek. She stroked it. He felt warm to her touch. He closed his eyes.

"This is very unhealthy, Ror."

"Jess…"

The waiter came in and they broke contact. She felt as if she had been caught up naked.

"Ready to order?"

Rory was flushed. "I… Yeah, I'll have the lasagna. And we'll share the bruschetta."

"The pesto gnocchi for me. And a salad."

The waiter left and Rory noticed Jess' smirk.

"I imagined you would like to split." He gave her a small smile. "How about we avoid contact tonight? For a second there I thought I would kill the poor man for interrupting."

It was the last thing she wanted, but she agreed with a nod. "I have an idea about that."

"I'm intrigued."

She must be crazy. She had never ever said anything similar out loud. "It might help at keeping each other at bay. It's just… I've thought about us being together for the first time. A lot. And I have this idea of how I would like it to be…"

"Are you talking kinky stuff, Gilmore?"

She threw her napkin at him. "Very funny." He was enjoying himself, but she was not really angry because he looked really interested. "No, it's just… since I'm pregnant and all, I thought it would be nice for our first time to… do it bare. You know… without a condom."

"I know what bare it means."

She was really embarrassed, but she went on. "So, I've been checked already since I'm pregnant and I haven't been with anybody else… and was… huh… wondering if you wouldn't mind doing the same so we can, you know, do it like that. If we do."

"Have you seriously been thinking about that?"

"Well… yeah. I'd really like to."

He was melting her with his stare. His voice came out low and hoarse. "Fuck, Rory, stop it. Do you know if they do speed checks 24 hours in Hartford? Because that's the hottest thing I've ever been told and I want to throw this table out of the way."

She couldn't stand looking at him. "Don't joke."

"I'm dying with desire here, Rory, but I'm not laughing. I'll force a doctor at gunpoint right now if necessary."

"Good, so… we'll wait so we can do it like that?"

"I'll try, but, honestly? With such build-up, I wouldn't get my hopes high on how much I will last that first time." She laughed and looked at him, but she could tell he was concerned. "I mean it, Ror. I think we should allow, I don't know… like a day for ourselves, or something, so I can be really shitty the first time and then have time to recover until I get used to you or something. This whole thing is putting a huge strain on my masculinity."

"I'd really like that. A day in bed with you. And I wouldn't mind if you didn't last. I know I won't. I honestly just want you inside me, I don't care about the rest. I nearly came just there, anyway. At least we know caressing works." She smiled to him.

"You're not making the whole waiting thing easy."

"Right back at you, Mariano."

The waiter brought their food and they ate quietly. They stared at each other constantly. Jess swapped plates when he saw she was half-way done with her lasagna, even if he still had more than half his plate, but never offered her the salad. She noticed and knew she would have refused. She left the last piece of bruschetta, even if she really wanted it, and he only took it at the end, with a smile. The waiter came back and she ordered two tiramisùs because there was no way in hell she was sharing dessert. She went at it with delight.

"So… we can't touch each other, we have avoided conversation during the whole date… I'd say we're pretty unsuited for each other, Gilmore."

She looked up, surprised, but saw Jess with his signature lopsided smirk. She followed the game. "Well… I guess we tried, right?"

"Right, right. I was thinking, though, that I would still like to try a kiss. Just to make sure."

Her heart skipped a beat. "I don't know… wouldn't that be dangerous?"

"At first I thought so, as well. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that perhaps we're getting all worked up for nothing. I mean… perhaps we kiss and we realize that we don't work. It would save us a lot of headaches, don't you think?"

"And how will we be able to stop, Jess?" She wasn't bantering anymore.

"Well, with your wish earlier you've made waiting sound like a reward, so there's that. And I'd still like to talk a bit more before going the whole way, so I think we should be good. Don't fool yourself. You know we were going to be all over each other the minute we stepped out that door."

She had to agree. "OK. So… is that when it's happening? As soon as we leave?"

"It could be. I think the situation will present itself clearly."

"I'm fucking nervous."

He laughed. "If it's any relief, so am I. Come on, let's get out."

They took their coats and paid at the bar. They went outside and both stopped as soon as they were out the door, looking at each other. Jess smiled and grabbed her hand slowly. "Let's walk for a while."

He took the long way to the car, across Bushnell Park. His hand was strong holding hers but his touch wasn't so hard to bear anymore as she was wearing gloves. She stroked his bare hand, thinking that he was probably cold. He looked at her when she did. She smiled.

"You know what?" He shook his head. "Nobody has ever kissed me like you did."

Jess stopped dead in his tracks, turned and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her close. But he didn't kiss her yet, he just placed a warm hand, the one that had been in his pocket, on her cheek, and stroked it softly, looking into her eyes. She mirrored his position, grabbing his waist with one hand and his hair with the other, and once they were perfectly connected, he approached her face very slowly and kissed her.

At first it was slow, just a bare caress of their lips getting reacquainted with each other. But Jess let out a ragged breath and Rory reacted licking his upper lip, and soon both deepened their kiss. The way his tongue felt on her mouth was driving her crazy, and their hold suddenly felt too soft, so she pulled Jess in at the waist. He quickly understood what she needed so he drew her even closer at the waist with both hands while pushing his hips against hers. She moaned and grabbed a fistful of his hair, deepening the kiss. She suddenly hated the coats and clothes that stood between them, and Jess must have felt the same, because he introduced both hands under her coat and clutched her waist. She sighed and kissed him harder. He slowly moved a hand up her waist, feeling her over the dress, and grabbed her on the side, right under her breast, his thumb barely brushing it. He moved the other hand flat around her hip and drew her closer with a slow hip thrust, and she was able to feel him hard against her. She whimpered and he let out a low groan. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers, but didn't move an inch of his body, that was touching hers in every place possible.

"We should stop."

"You stop," she teased.

He looked her in the eyes with an impish smile. "Careful." He caught her mouth and kissed her passionately but briefly, finally pulling away. He gave her a huge grin and she returned a coy smile. "Yeah, it still works."

He grabbed her hand and guided her to the car, and she was grateful that he had had the presence of mind to stop because she was so aroused she was disoriented. They got in the car and Jess exhaled before putting the keys in the contact, but didn't start the car.

"Ror, come here." He caressed her face and drew her in gently, and then gave her a soft wet kiss.

She stroke the back of his neck. "Are we good to move on?"

"I guess… we could try next stage."

He drove her home, placing his hand on her thigh whenever he had the chance.