Makeover

"Look at my beloved kids having a sleepover!" Liz kissed Doula and Jess loudly. "Jess, I really like those braids on you, and that color compliments your eyes. Oh, let me bring you some carrots with my homemade beetroot hummus dip, you'll love it – it's organic."

Liz got out of his sister's room and Jess relaxed a little. Liz still made him tense after all those years.

"Who called before, Jess? Why did you go out to talk?"

"Can you stop being so smart, Doula? If you hadn't noticed I wouldn't have to tell you, and now I do because, for the life of me, I cannot lie to you." His sister looked at him with a serious face. "It was Rory, OK?"

"I knew it! Does she love you? Oh, she does, that is so obvious. Are you two going out now? Are you in love?"

Jess exhaled. "I don't know if she loves me, but we have started to go out, yes."

"I'm afraid I still haven't become dumb, Jess. So, do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Love her! Do you love her?"

Jess grumbled. "Yes. I love her. Fuck. I mean, jeez – please don't tell mom I said that."

"Whoa, you really love her!"

Liz came in with the dip in that exact moment. "Love who? Are you in love, Jess?"

Doula looked appalled for having betrayed his secret, and he felt sorry for her even though he was a bit mad. He patted her shoulder so she wouldn't feel bad. "I love Elsa, from Frozen – she's so strong."

Liz gave him a knowing smile. "Right, right. Well, I'll leave you kids to your hummus. Enjoy!"

Doula fell asleep after Jess read her two chapters from The Witches, and he went quietly to the couch. He had hoped Liz would be sleeping, but there she was, sitting on the kitchen table with all the lights off except for a small lamp, having what was probably some very nasty herbal tea concoction.

"Sit down, Jess."

Jess sat in front of her. "I'm not up for this, Liz. You can't pry into my personal life without me allowing you."

"Why are you still so bitter?"

"I'm not bitter, we're just not close."

"Then let's be. I want nothing more than that."

"I'm not sure I can."

"Why?"

"Did you learn your conversation skills from Doula? That why thing sounds very first grade to me."

He knew he had been cruel and he regretted it, but he didn't know how to break that old pattern. "You know, I've seen you change over the years, Jess, and I'm so proud of you, of the man you've become, but it always irks me that you still behave with me when I try to get close as that angsty teenage boy, as if you got stuck in time somehow. You don't do it with anyone else."

He exhaled. "You're right. But I don't know how to undo it."

"Great, we're making progress here. So, hear me out – I know you have reasons to be angry at me, I won't deny it. I've known for a very long time, and believe it or not, I've made an effort to become better. But it hasn't made any difference to the way you behave with me, and I've been wondering for some years now if perhaps I should acknowledge this to you, as a sort of cue for you to try something different."

"I have noticed, Liz, just so you know. I'm still unsure, though."

"Was it that bad?"

He didn't want to dwell on the past. "Yes. But let's not talk about it."

"Why not? I'm ready, Jess. I will listen to anything you have to say, regardless of how bad it is."

"I'm not ready, Liz."

"Will you ever be?"

"I… I don't know."

"Do you honestly believe that I could harm you or Doula in any way?"

He considered it. "No. Not anymore."

"Then, can you at least accept my apologies? I know they won't make you forget what a terrible mom I was, but that and staying good are the only things I can offer you, since I can't change the past."

"Yes… apologies accepted. But promise you'll be good to Doula no matter what, and support her always, even if she does wrong someday. I… don't wish anybody in the world to feel so lonely as I felt."

"That I can promise. And perhaps one day, when she grows up and you have verified that I kept my promise, you'll be able to trust me back, and then I will die happy. I won't ask anything else until then. I know you always respect me in front of Doula. I know, Jess, and you don't know how grateful I am. For that, and for being the best brother ever."

Liz stood up and kissed Jess on the cheek. Jess wondered for a split second if he would have been a better parent if he had got a kid at his lowest, at 17, and couldn't tell. He suddenly wasn't so angry at Liz anymore.

"Liz?" She turned before opening the door to her room. "I'm in love – not with Elsa, from Frozen."

She nodded. "Did it ever stop?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Does she love you back?"

"I don't want to jinx it, but… maybe."

"If so, let her. That means letting go of any bitterness, but once you do... The warmth, Jess – I don't know anyone in this world who deserves to be loved more than you do."

Liz got in her room and disappeared, engulfed by TJ's snoring. Jess stayed at the table looking out the window, wishing for a cigarette. He felt suddenly grateful for not having had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, and thought how heightened his mistakes would have been if he had found himself in the same situation as Liz, Lorelai or Rory. Yeah, he could grasp how guilty Rory felt about everything, and felt pride at how she was handling things, trying to make everything better for the baby. A shadow broke the stillness of the deserted street in that cold winter night – it was Kirk, carrying packages up and down, and then shushing a group of dancers that appeared out of thin air rehearsing some sort of choreography that reminded him of birds flying. Jess pondered how surreal everything seemed, being in love with Rory again and back in Stars Hollow, and how uncannily right a setting that cooky town was for a love story that defied all logic.