Chapter 9
Kathryn's mind and heart were still reeling from the day's events, and in particular the unexpected turn that her conversation with Chakotay had taken, as she made her way to Seven's assigned quarters. The brightly lit meandering corridors of the Academy residence building reminded her of Voyager's decks, and she smiled to herself. Starfleet could never disappoint when it came to a lack of imagination in interior design. The similarities were comforting, however, if a little nostalgic.
She had very little space for nostalgia in her heart at the moment, though – it was too busy making sense of her myriad of feelings for and about Chakotay. So much had happened over the last few days, she felt like Lewis Carroll's Alice, being pulled by a running Red Queen – running as fast as she could but barely keeping up as they ultimately went nowhere. This emotional, speedy rollercoaster wasn't only about the ups and downs relating to Chakotay, but everything that had happened over the last few days. So, while the still-incredulous part of her had been reluctant to part with him and deprive herself of his presence, another part – the part that had won out in the end – was admittedly a little relieved to have some time to herself to process and catch her breath.
Evidently Chakotay had an advantage over her from having had a glimpse of that alternate future. Kathryn had no doubt whatsoever that whatever he had learned from it – including her own death – was precisely what had sparked the sudden shift in his behavior toward her since their return, and what had prompted him to tell her how he felt. That his heart belonged to her. That he wanted her in his life. Emotions continued to rush and bubble in her chest at the thought.
Yet as thrilled as she was, Kathryn hadn't been able — hadn't been ready — to meet him halfway tonight. She still had trouble believing it all… Why, only a few hours ago, she had been almost certain that he was lost to her, that he was in a relationship with Seven. She had so convinced herself that he had moved on that it was almost difficult to accept that it wasn't the case; that she was the one he wanted. And however excited and relieved this newfound knowledge made her, his admission of a relationship with Seven, no matter how short-lived, had stung. Bitterly.
Was this how he had felt every time she'd told him about her problems with her 'boyfriend that malfunctioned,' or the other men in her life over the recent years? He had told her more than once that he just wanted her to be happy, and she knew he'd always meant it, but that selflessness had no doubt come at a painful price. So really, she was in no position to begrudge him for trying to move on, even if it was with Seven.
That had probably been the hardest part to digest, Kathryn realized. Not that he had sought comfort and companionship in someone else, but that the someone had turned out to be Seven. Chakotay was not one to trifle with anyone's feelings, so he must have known that he would have to be particularly careful in dealing with Seven's feelings, and that a relationship with her couldn't be a mere fling. No, his intentions must have gone deeper than that, and this was the painful part for Kathryn: that their relationship – no matter how short it turned out to be in the end – had been a serious, long-term alternative, and not some form of rebound or quick fix to his loneliness.
Well, be that as it may, he now appeared to deem the relationship a mistake, and Kathryn had to trust him to know his own heart. But while he claimed a need to feel like her equal for them to even stand a chance, Kathryn on the other hand had to learn to let go of the sting that still pierced her chest whenever she recalled the intimacy she has witnessed between them when they'd walked into the room together – what felt like ages ago, now. The memory had burned itself into her mind's eye, and it showed an annoying resiliency in constantly flashing through her mind when she least expected it.
Today, however, she had been able to create new memories, ones to cultivate and cherish: the vulnerability in his expression when he waited for her to ask the obvious question; his passionate defense of his Maquis comrades and the pride and affection that had swelled in her heart to realize how lucky she was to know him; the feeling of his warm lips as they pressed against her knuckles, sending an electrifying shiver all the way from her hand to her toes; the shattered expression on his face when he told her of her fate in the alternate timeline; and how much she loved the special bond of camaraderie between them, because it held such potential to be more. Those, she decided, were the memories she needed to commit to her mind – those were the ones that mattered.
The numbers on the doors were getting closer to Seven's quarters now, so Kathryn forced Chakotay to the back of her mind for the moment. When she reached the number she had gotten from the desk, she chimed the doorbell, and waited.
It took only a couple of seconds before Seven opened her door, and stood a little stunned on the other side. "Captain!"
Kathryn smiled gently. "I'm not disturbing you, I hope? Can I come in?"
"Of course." Seven opened the door a little wider to let her in, and Kathryn smiled as her eyes swept across the Spartan room, and finally settled on the children occupying themselves by diverse means and games in the living room area. Icheb was reading as he sat on the couch, while the other three played some kind of board game on the floor. There was no sign of anxiety or fear in their impulsive laughter or exclamations. She suspected that Harry had seen right through Seven's own projected fears in her claim that she didn't want to leave the children unattended.
"How was the hearing?" Seven asked as she led Kathryn further inside.
Kathryn frowned a little at the feeling that there was something missing in this room, but she couldn't quite put her finger on what. "It went well. I don't think anyone needs to worry, though it remains to be seen what the committee does with our recommendations."
Seven nodded.
"So how are the children adapting?" Kathryn asked, changing the subject, as she sat on one of the chairs by the kitchen area.
Seven clasped her hands behind her back. "As you see. They seem comfortable enough."
"And you?"
Seven looked away, as if trying to hide some emotion from Kathryn's studying gaze. "I…am adapting."
"Regeneration alcoves!" That was what was missing to make those quarters truly Seven's. "How are you all going to regenerate?" Kathryn asked with some concern as she looked around, unconsciously looking for the best spot to place the Borg technology. It would definitely add a little je-ne-sais-quoi to the decorative style…
"I am unsure. For now our regeneration cycle may wait, but I will have to come up with a solution soon."
The memory of Annika, the older version of Seven, flashed through Kathryn's mind. She had found a way to stop using the alcove – there had to be a way for Seven and the children as well. But it might be too soon to bring this up, when there was so much more to adapt to now that they had left the familiar confines of Voyager.
"Maybe we can transport them from Voyager," Kathryn suggested.
"Perhaps," Seven agreed as she remained standing.
"Seven, what is it?" Kathryn asked more quietly, leaning forward so that her whispered words would be carried to Seven's ears. Seven gave a brief glance at the children in the opposite corner, as if to make sure that they weren't listening.
"I have no wish to alarm the children unnecessarily."
Kathryn stared at her, Seven's words alarming her now. "What are you talking about?"
At last Seven sat down across from Kathryn and leaned forward. "Annika, from the alternative timeline, spoke of certain things…" she started uncertainly. "Possibilities. I can't seem to get them out of my mind."
Kathryn looked at her quizzically. Annika had sure had a lot of influential things to say to Chakotay and Seven during her brief time with them… "What kinds of things?"
"About my purpose. She suggested that, upon our return to Earth, I would be deprived of what had given me purpose thus far. And she was right."
Kathryn frowned unhappily. "How can you think that? You have so much to offer, Seven, so much you still have to learn."
"Please, I- I would like to be addressed as Annika from now on."
Thought it probably shouldn't have surprised her, this stunned Kathryn for a second, but she quickly regrouped. "Alright, Annika," she corrected herself, unsure what this change meant for the young woman on a psychological level. "But my point remains, there is so much you could be doing! The beauty of it is that now we all have a choice!"
"Perhaps. Yet I feel as though my purpose cannot be fulfilled here."
"What do you mean?"
"Annika requested, asked, that I consider establishing a sanctuary for reformed Borg drones. Even though we gave a crippling blow to the Borg by destroying one of their Hubs, there are undoubtedly many more Borg cubes still roaming the galaxy." She paused, as if bracing herself for what she was about to say next. "I feel compelled by the suggestion. In fact, I believe that is what you might refer to as – a calling. I wish to continue to fight the Borg – in my own way."
"One drone at a time…" Kathryn finished for her, touched by the intention and the implied notion that she was paying forward what Kathryn herself and the Voyager crew had helped her accomplish. Kathryn stared at her, not sure if she was more impressed or astonished. "Sev- Annika, that's… truly wonderful. But-"
"How will I find drones to rehabilitate?" She finished for her quickly – apparently she had already considered that potential issue. "I would have to search for them – and rescue them. I have one option to do this effectively, but you would not like it."
"Well luckily for you I'm no longer your captain," Kathryn replied coolly as a means to hide the mad speed of her thoughts as they went through her head. De-Borging drones was one thing, but to actively go out to look for them was something else entirely! It gave 'looking for trouble' an entirely new meaning! She wasn't exactly sure how to react to the fear for Annika's safety that this thought instilled in her. However, the younger woman had obviously given this a lot of thought, and probably didn't need Kathryn to add salt to the wound by pointing out how dangerous, crazy even, that was.
"The alcove…" Kathryn breathed as Annika's method of finding the drones dawned on her. "You'd try to connect with what's left of the Collective through it."
Annika gave a small nod, and Kathryn gave a long sigh. That sounded terribly risky.
"What about them?" Kathryn asked as she gestured to the children.
Annika blinked, her determined expression faltering into dismay before she looked away. "This is merely an idea. I have yet to make my final decision. However, they will need a home, regardless of whether I act upon this plan or not."
Kathryn didn't necessarily buy Annika's claim to uncertainty – it sounded as though she had in fact made up her mind, but Kathryn decided to let that go for now. "What do you have in mind?"
"Icheb will soon come of age where parenting is no longer required," Kathryn held back a grin at that, it wasnot her experience that teenagers stopped needing parenting, but quite the opposite, "and I believe a life in Starfleet continues to hold a certain appeal for him. As for the others, I am uncertain… In fact I would greatly appreciate your counsel in this matter."
Kathryn reached out and squeezed Annika's arm gently. "Of course."
"If I were to carry out my plan and found a suitable location to establish the sanctuary, they could of course be residents for as long as they wished. However I would need someone to teach and look after them while I am away."
"Let's just take this one step at a time, then. If you were to go ahead with this plan – hypothetically, of course," Kathryn added as she refrained from smiling at Annika's serious nod, "it sounds like what you need is first to find a good location for that sanctuary of yours. I'm sure we could use Voyager's Astrometrics lab to look for a suitable planet, if Earth is not to your liking. Or feels too crowded."
Her expression brightened in a subtle shift at the mention of the Astrometrics lab. "I wasn't aware that we still had access to Voyager."
Kathryn grinned, happy to reassure in that, at least. "I'm sure we can arrange that!" she said as she affectionately tapped Annika's arm. "Voyager's not going anywhere for now, and certainly not without Admiral Janeway's knowledge!"
Annika shot her a look. "Admiral Janeway?"
Kathryn grinned. "It's not official yet, but I've been offered the promotion."
"Oh. I believe congratulations are typically in order."
"Thank you." Kathryn gave a sigh as she realized that almost unbeknownst to her, she had actually made her decision. "I'm content with this decision, but I have to admit, I will miss it: the exploration, the scientific puzzles, the adrenaline rush, the challenges – and of course, the crew, which made it all tolerable."
Annika nodded. "I'll miss it as well."
"Well you won't for long if your plan actually comes through! You'll be chasing Borg cubes before you know it!"
That earned a small smile, and Kathryn stood. Though she would lie if she said that this plan of Annika's didn't worry her, she understood her desire to make a difference better than anyone. It was part of the reason Kathryn had decided to accept the promotion, in fact. One thing for sure, though, her way of achieving this need suddenly appeared much, much duller than Seven's.
"Well, I should leave you to rest," Kathryn said as she started making her way to the door. "My combadge is still active, let me know if you need anything. And tomorrow we'll figure out what to do with the regeneration alcoves."
Annika gave a grateful nod. "Thank you. Sleep well, Captain."
Kathryn had almost reached the door when Annika spoke again. "Captain."
Kathryn turned to face her, eyebrows raised curiously.
Seven – Annika – took in a short breath as she squared her shoulders. "I am grateful for everything you have done for me. What I mean to say is: I will miss you, when the time comes for me to go."
Kathryn felt tears sting her eyes, and she gave a nod, the lump in her throat preventing her from making a sound. She swallowed it and forced a smile to her face. "Then you'll just have to come back and visit every once in a while."
Annika gave a small smile, and bowed her head.
Kathryn's quarters were up a couple of floors from Seven's – Annika's, and she made her way absent-mindedly, lost in thoughts as to how she might best help her achieve what she longed to do in a safer manner than what she suggested. If Annika could use Voyager and the armor technology that the older version had installed on it, the technological advantages might lower the risk, and she wouldn't need to move the regeneration alcoves from Cargo Bay 2. However Voyager required a large crew – larger than Annika probably wanted to implicate – and, not only that, but its association with the Federation might call for Borg retaliation on the Federation, and Earth. That was too risky.
She reached her quarters and walked in, turning on lights as she did so. She sighed, hands on her hips, when she spotted the mountains of boxes that contained her personal effects piled up in various corners of the room. The night was early still, but she was too exhausted – physically and emotionally – to go through all of those now.
Instead she grabbed the bag she knew contained her nightclothes and personal hygiene items and headed for the shower. On her way there she saw from the corner of her eye that she had a recorded transmission on the computer on the desk. She sat down on the edge of her chair. "Computer, display recorded message."
The message was from Admiral Hayes.
"Captain Janeway, I apologize for once again disturbing your return with more Starfleet business. First, let me say that I was really impressed with you and your Commander Chakotay earlier today. You make quite a persuasive team, and I'm all the more hoping that you will accept the promotion. The admiralty could greatly benefit from having someone like you on board.
But now to the point of this transmission: I was asked to inform you that Starfleet is to organize an official welcoming ceremony for yourself and your crew, the day after tomorrow. The kin we have on file for your crewmembers have been notified, and invited to attend the ceremony. I will leave it to you to decide whether you would like to keep that as a surprise or not, and to let us know if any additional guests should be added to the list. Also, if you and your senior officers are agreeable, we would also like to demonstrate Voyager's return more literally – with a fly-by over the Bay. I think that's a sight that everyone would enjoy as a symbol of your crew's safe return. By the same token, we are ready to attend to your suggestion and consider promoting those you feel are most deserving. That includes yourself, should you decide to accept our offer. So, we are working on putting everything together, however we will need to meet and discuss the procedures with you and your senior officers prior to the ceremony. I am suggesting tomorrow afternoon, 1400 hours, at Starfleet Command. I have already left messages to your senior officers requesting their presence. On that note, I bid you a good and restful night."
Well, Kathryn thought with a smile as she resumed her course for the shower, this was a nice way to honor her crew. And she had no doubt that Tom would enjoy showing off his piloting skills by flying Voyager over San Francisco. She was still a little wary of Starfleet's attention to herself and her crew, but even if there were politics involved, she figured the official recognition of their achievements would be a nice way to welcome them home. Thinking of Harry and his eagerness to see his parents, she decided to keep the part about the invitations to the crewmembers' families secret. She'd have to make a list of those she would like to promote, as well as see if she could track down family and friends for those who were not on Starfleet's files, like the former Maquis. Chakotay's sister was likely too far away to make it in time, but perhaps that was not the case for the others.
But that could wait until tomorrow, she decided as she turned on the shower.
She clung to thoughts of Chakotay a little longer and, as she divested herself of her clothes and layers of responsibility until she was just Kathryn again, his earlier revelation about his feelings left her grinning like a schoolgirl.
oooOooo
Despite the accumulated fatigue and the relatively late night out with Harry and the others, Chakotay had woken up to the first sunbeams lighting up the walls of his bedroom. While he had always enjoyed the experience of living in space, waking up with the sun was one of the simple pleasures of being planetbound. As he watched the sun rise over San Francisco and far away hills, standing by the wide window with a hot cup of coffee in his hand, a profound peace settled over him as he absorbed daylight. He had slept remarkably well, considering all of the excitement of the last few days, and he felt more rested than he had in weeks.
Once the sun was higher on the horizon, he busied himself with unpacking some of the most pressing boxes. Around 8 am, he decided Kathryn must be awake and ready for breakfast by now, and he made his way to her quarters. Once there he took in a bracing breath, then chimed her doorbell. And waited.
And waited.
He was about to ring it again when the door opened, only to reveal a very sleepy-looking Kathryn Janeway, with slumber in her eyes and her hair in charming disarray. Chakotay bit back a surprised smile at seeing her like this – barely awake and without any of the affectations or layers that she constantly put on as a captain. The sudden intimacy of such a sight brought him back years into the past, when quarantine had forced such intimacy upon them. It was enough to send his heart pounding madly against his ribcage.
Her eyes widened and she self-consciously tidied her hair back and tightened the sash of her robe around her waist. "Breakfast!" she exclaimed as her hand went to her cheek, her expression turning apologetic. "Chakotay, I'm sorry, I seem to have overslept."
She invited him in with her hand before turning back into her quarters and quickly moved to what he assumed was her bedroom. He, however, stopped following her when she disappeared from his sight, and he was left standing in the middle of the living room.
"No need to apologize," he said, loud enough for her to hear him from the other room. "I can come back later, if you'd like," he suggested, feeling a little awkward at the thought that she was probably getting out of her nightclothes in the next room over. Forcing such thoughts out of his mind, he looked around the room. Kathryn's quarters were much like his, with piles of boxes scattered around some basic furniture and a wide window offering a majestic view of the surrounding cityscape.
"I'll be out in a minute," she replied over the sound of running water, "make yourself at home, Chakotay!"
"Okay…" he mumbled to himself as his eyes once again swept around the room. A file folder sitting on top of one of the boxes caught his attention and he made his way curiously, drawn by the colorful piece of paper that stuck out from under its cover. There was a note on the folder, which read: "I thought you might like those to put in your new office." It was signed "Doctor."
Glancing once over his shoulder, Chakotay opened the folder and picked up the printed photographs of the crew's last night on Voyager. Quickly going through the small pile, he smiled at the familiar faces – some happier than others at being photographed – until he reached what he was looking for. The first one was actually the second photo that the Doctor had taken of them both, which showed Chakotay with Captain Janeway, sitting close together and smiling at the camera. Chakotay grinned, it was a good shot of them both. It was the other photo that drew his attention however – because, as he'd suspected, in this one his gaze was turned toward the Captain's profile, staring at her in a way that Chakotay could only describe as intense with yearning. It would not do for Kathryn to see that one just yet… Once again glancing over his shoulder, he quickly took the picture and slid it into his pocket, before replacing the folder where he had found it.
He then turned his attention to finding the replicator, and once he did, he ordered some coffee for the both of them.
"How was your night out?" Her muffled voice asked from the other room.
"Oh, kind of shocking, actually."
"How was it shocking?" She asked curiously, her voice closer than before, and Chakotay turned around to find she was stepping out of her room and walking toward him. She was dressed in her uniform, and his own choice of wearing civilian clothes suddenly felt like a statement of…something: his decision to resign, perhaps, or his desire that she see him for the man, and not just the Commander.
"It was shocking how quickly I realized I'm getting too old for it," Chakotay replied cheekily as he handed her one of the coffees and she took it gratefully, scoffing in amusement at his words.
"Oh please!" she replied after she'd swallowed, and touched his arm affectionately.
"It was fun. It was good to see them all so carefree. It's been a long time coming."
She nodded, her eyes holding his for a little longer than was usually considered comfortable. Chakotay cleared his throat. "So, breakfast?"
"Yes!"
"Mess hall? Or would you rather go somewhere outside Starfleet Command?"
She made an apologetic face. "I can't say that I'm looking forward to sharing a table with a bunch of rowdy young cadets, but I'm afraid it'll have to be mess hall. It turns out I have a lot to take care of today and I can't really wander off."
Chakotay invited her to walk ahead of him with his arm and he quickly fell in step with her as they left her quarters. "Is it about that ceremony tomorrow? I heard the message when I got back last night."
"Yes."
Chakotay gazed at her expectantly when she said nothing more.
She grinned. "Sorry, I'd rather keep it a surprise for now."
Chakotay returned her smile. "Oh. Fair enough. Although I have to say, it seems unfair of Starfleet to ask you to help plan your own welcome home party," he said as they stepped into the turbolift.
Kathryn smiled as she leaned back against the wall, cradling her coffee cup in her hand as the turbolift took them down. "It's not that bad, and it's the kind of thing I'm happy to help with."
"Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
She threw him a speculative glance. "Actually, there might be something…"
"Name it."
"I told Seven – I'm sorry, Annika – I told Annika that I would help her figure out how to transport the regeneration alcoves to her quarters, but I don't think I'll be able to do it today. Would you mind…?"
She was watching him intently, and Chakotay kept his expression neutral and open. "Yes of course." After an additional few seconds, he smiled, answering the unasked question in her eyes. "It's fine, it's not like we're not on speaking terms."
"Oh, good. Thank you." She looked down into her cup for a moment, before looking up again. "Does she know…? About…?"
"About my feelings for you?" He asked bluntly, if only to let her know that he'd meant everything he'd told her last night, and that he wasn't going to retract his words. "I think so. Well, I never told her outright, but I believe she knows. Something Future Annika told her, I think."
Kathryn's expression turned sarcastic. "Well! That woman sure had a lot to say for a future version of our Seven of Nine," she drawled with some humor as the turbolift doors opened and they stepped out.
Chakotay grinned to himself. She had no idea.
oooOooo
Harry's head was pounding, and the queasiness of his stomach made him regret his decision to come down to the mess hall and try to eat something. The coffee was helping somewhat in clearing his senses, but did not help quiet his revolting stomach. That's what he deserved after last night, he thought depressingly as he stooped down over his arm and rested his forehead on his forearm.
"Good morning, Harry!"
Chakotay's chipper voice next to his ear had the dual effect of startling him into an upright position – which didn't help his queasiness, and generating another round of heavy pounding against his skull.
"That looks like one hell of a hangover," another voice drawled sarcastically. He recognized it a millisecond before his eyes even noticed the captain standing next to Chakotay and watching him appraisingly with her hands on her hips.
Remembering his manners, he jumped to his feet. "Captain! Good morning."
"You don't mind if we join you for breakfast, do you Harry?" Chakotay asked with an evil glint in his eyes — because Harry was stuck, and Chakotay knew it. There was no way he could refuse the captain anything.
"Of course not! Please!"
Captain Janeway bit her cheek as if she was trying to stop herself from laughing as she took a seat next to Harry's chair, and Chakotay sat across from her.
"I thought you said you were getting too old for going out…" Captain Janeway told Chakotay with a crooked grin, before she threw Harry a teasing sidelong glance.
Chakotay grinned as he glanced at Harry mischievously. "You know what the good thing about getting my age is? Wisdom! Learning to know one's limits. Knowing when it's a good time to back down from a challenge. That sort of thing."
Harry groaned inwardly, embarrassed not only to be seen hungover the day after they returned to Earth, but that his captain and her second in command were the ones who'd busted him! The captain was teasing him, but he hoped that deep down she wasn't disappointed by his behavior. He certainly was!
"Oh I think I've learned my lesson, believe me!" Harry replied, still feeling like his insides were going to revolt any moment. "I will never get into a drinking contest with a Vulcan again!"
Captain Janeway's eyes widened and she almost choked on the coffee she had just sipped from her cup. Chakotay turned his amused gaze toward her as he watched her recover from her surprise.
"Why Mr. Kim!" she said once she'd recovered and Harry inwardly cowered in fear of reprimand. "I am so disappointed... that I missed that!"
Harry's eyes widened in surprise, and he quickly shook his head. "Oh, no Captain, believe me, you're not."
She laughed out loud, and Harry smiled derisively as he met Chakotay's amused glance. Was it him or were the two of them extra chipper this morning? Not that he would know anything about how they behaved when they met for breakfast, but there was definitely a lot of grinning going around. He only wished it wasn't at his own expense.
Captain Janeway squeezed his forearm at last. "Well, so long as you've learned your lesson, and that you're fully recovered by the time we have our meeting this afternoon, you're off the hook."
Harry let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you, Captain. And I will. Be fully recovered, I mean."
"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go get us some breakfast," she said for Chakotay's benefit before she stood and walked away, earning some astonished stares from the cadets and officers at neighboring tables.
Harry let out another relieved sigh as he watched her walk away. Chakotay was still looking at him with an amused twist of the eyebrows when Harry looked back at him. "Does your wisdom and experience come with a good cure for hangovers, Commander?"
Chakotay grinned as he took a sip from his coffee. "Water. Lots and lots of water. And whatever happens – chin up, my friend."
"Well, I don't think it can get any worse than having the captain find me hungover on our first day back."
Chakotay threw him a doubtful look, but said nothing more about it. "Are you up to do some work this morning? I might need your help with something."
"Yes, of course," Harry replied. "What do you need?"
"We need to work with Seven, well I guess she prefers Annika now, to find a way to transfer the Borg technology from Cargo Bay 2 to her quarters. Especially the regeneration alcoves."
"Yeah, sure!" Harry replied, brows knitted together as he already started thinking about possible ways to adapt the technologies with Starfleet's. "We might need to do some tinkering, but-"
"Did I hear anyone say tinkering?" Tom's voice chimed in from behind Harry, and soon enough Tom and B'Elanna were standing next to their table, Miral carefully tucked in B'Elanna's arms. "That sounds like a job for us."
Harry groaned inwardly at how not hungover Tom looked. At that moment he had a rather uncharitable thought directed at Mr. Tuvok, for going with the game without telling Harry that Vulcans were not affected by alcohol in the same way as humans. If that was his way to teach him a lesson about humility or moderation – he had succeeded.
Miral started to get a little agitated against her mother's shoulder and Chakotay held out his arms. B'Elanna didn't hesitate before transferring her daughter to Chakotay's arms.
"Yes, if you're not busy this morning, we could definitely use your help! We'll probably need the Doctor's expertise as well," Chakotay replied as he gently bounced the baby – almost instantly calming her. She looked tiny against Chakotay's broad chest.
At that moment, Captain Janeway returned with a tray full of food and set it down on the table. Harry would never know whether it was the sight or the smell – or the combination – that did it. The only thing he knew for sure – as he sprang to his feet and dashed to the nearest trash can – was that he had been horribly wrong: there was one thing worse than having your captain find out you were hungover – and that was having your captain watch in surprise as you threw up your last meal – and your dignity.
oooOooo
After breakfast, which they spent resisting further teasing Harry Kim, Chakotay and the senior officers parted ways with the captain and soon met with Annika and Icheb before arranging to transport aboard Voyager. Chakotay had to admit, it was at once comforting and bittersweet to be back aboard. Yet, he realized as he focused on his task that part of him had already moved on, that in the hours since they had transported back to Earth, he had started to put Voyager to rest in his heart. It didn't spur from some kind of desire to forget about their journey, on the contrary, it was about committing everything, every adventure, every challenge, every sacrifice, to memory in order to look to the future. That didn't mean that he didn't feel a small pang of sadness as he walked familiar corridors, but rather that he was now looking forward. And if things continued to progress in the direction they had taken, he had a lot to look forward to.
The team quickly organized into smaller units and Chakotay volunteered to watch Miral, since the technological aspects of their task somewhat went over his head – however he could still supervise while keeping an eye on the baby.
As Miral stared up at him and the ceiling lights with wide, curious eyes, Chakotay was reminded of her fate in the alternate timeline, and once again felt the overwhelming urge to protect her. It was amazing that such a small creature could generate such powerful feelings, yet he wouldn't have it any other way.
Time flew by as they all worked, and by the time they had to transport back to Earth for the meeting with the admiral, they had made some progress on theories, but not so much on practice yet. Annika and the Doctor had deemed it possible to safely transfer the technology, and now it came down to a matter of bringing together incompatible power sources, or to use Harry's analogy, how to make a square fit into a circle. The Borg had done it once, however, so they were confident that they would be able to find a solution soon.
At the appointed time, they rejoined Captain Janeway and Tuvok – who looked as he usually did, earning a vengeful glance from Harry – and made their way to the meeting.
As Chakotay expected, the meeting was mostly about the next day's celebration scheduling details and he found himself zoning out a couple of times. From the look on Harry's and Tom's faces, he wasn't the only one. Kathryn seemed quite enthusiastic about the celebration, however, and he once again wondered what she was concocting that was such a big secret.
He absent-mindedly touched the photo still in his pocket, wondering if he would ever feel comfortable sharing it with her. She knew about his feelings – well, he conceded to himself, she knew he had feelings, though he hadn't been very specific about their full extent. However, he wasn't sure that she was ready to accept what his look in the picture meant: an intense mix of love, desire and longing that he usually barely allowed himself to feel or show in her presence. He knew she'd needed some time to process and he was reluctant to appear too eager, or too forward. Straightforwardness was in his nature, however, and with every minute that passed not knowing what she was feeling, he was getting more impatient to find out what she wanted.
Well, one thing for sure, he couldn't do anything while he was still a commander and potentially under her chain of command, so he decided that this was probably the most pressing issue to take care of. Once he was free of a sense of duty to Starfleet, he would be in a position to come to Kathryn as an equal, and properly declare himself. Hopefully by then she'd have had enough time to figure out how she felt about him, and his declaration that he wanted her in his life – and not as his captain.
After the meeting concluded several hours later, Chakotay lingered behind as the rest of the officers made for the door. Kathryn threw him a curious look when she noticed he wasn't following.
"I'll catch up with you later. Dinner?" He suggested.
She made an apologetic face and leaned a little closer so she wouldn't have to speak too loudly. "I would love to, however the admiralty's keeping me busy with meetings all day. Rain check?"
Chakotay nodded, hoping that his disappointment didn't show in his expression. "Sure, I'll see you tomorrow, then."
She gave a smile and quietly exited the room, though not without throwing another curious glance between Chakotay and Admiral Hayes.
Once they were alone, the admiral turned to him. "Is there anything I can help you with, Commander?"
"There is."
The admiral gestured for him to take a seat. "What can I do for you?"
"Actually, Admiral, I wanted to talk to you about my future. You see we former Maquis are in a strange position. I'm aware that my field commission as a Starfleet officer was obtained in the most extraordinary of circumstances, so I was wondering whether Starfleet considered the reinstatement official."
The admiral widened his eyes in surprise as he considered this. "Well, that is a complicated question, Commander. You and the other Maquis members of the crew jumped over a few of the usual loops – and admittedly that created some resistance among some of my colleagues to the idea that your ranks should be upheld now that you've returned."
Chakotay let out a small smile. "Actually it was a bit of a problem on Voyager at first, too. But Captain Janeway decided to put the emphasis on experience and expertise rather than rank alone. I think it worked out in the end."
Hayes smiled, though his expression was still pensive. "It would appear so. To answer your question, my own position is that your ranks remain valid. I trust Kathryn's judgments when it comes to her crew." He shifted in his seat as his expression turned curious. "May I ask what this is about, Commander?"
Chakotay nodded. "The reason I'm asking is because, well, actually, I intend to resign my commission. Again, I suppose."
Hayes looked even more surprised than before. "Please tell me you're not considering going to the Cardassian border – again? You gave a very convincing speech yesterday, I'd hate to learn that you didn't mean it."
Chakotay gave a small smile, slightly surprised to realize that Admiral Hayes not only remembered that Chakotay had once been part of Starfleet, but also that the Maquis was why he'd quitted the first time. "No, I meant what I said. This time my motives for resigning are much more personal. And peaceful. I'd like to teach."
"Teach?"
"Anthropology, as a matter of fact."
"I see. Well, Mr. Chakotay, you seem to have made your decision, but why come to me? A resignation doesn't require authorization from a superior officer – just a pile of paperwork."
"I suppose I wanted to make sure that I was going through the proper channels, and not just assume that my reinstatement was officially recognized by Starfleet."
"Out of curiosity, does Captain Janeway know about your intent?"
"She does."
"And what does she think of your resignation? She spoke so highly of you, I doubt it made her happy."
"Well, it's not my place to speak for her, but I believe she respects my decision, and my reasons for resigning."
"She respects them, but does she agree?"
Chakotay couldn't help but smile – clearly Admiral Hayes had pegged Kathryn down rather well. "With all due respect to Captain Janeway, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for her as a leader and as a person, this is not a case where her rank and authority would have any influence on my actions. This is my decision, and she is aware that, in this instance at least, she can't tell me what to do. Luckily she respects me enough not to try."
"I see. Well, Mr. Chakotay, I am sorry that your reinstatement was not of a more permanent nature. We could have definitely used someone like you – we were considering giving you the captain's chair on Voyager, you know."
Chakotay shot him a surprised look. It was so similar to what Kathryn had proposed that he wondered whether she'd shared those thoughts with the admiral. "I thank you sir, but I believe Voyager will easily go on without me."
Admiral Hayes silently watched him a little longer, then nodded. "Very well, then."
They rose to their feet, and as Chakotay prepared to leave, he halted when the admiral spoke again. "Mr. Chakotay – you mentioned teaching anthropology. I imagine that you would require some official training before obtaining a professorship, am I correct?"
Chakotay nodded, wondering where he was going with this.
"Well, if you're interested, in the meantime we could definitely offer you an assignment teaching at the Academy. From what you said it sounds like you're probably more interested in a civilian learning institution – but I think our cadets could greatly benefit from someone with your experience and interests. At the moment anthropology is not part of any particular program, but we've been looking for someone to create a major for a while now. We've had guest lecturers over the years, of course – I don't know if you knew Jean-Luc Picard is an archaeology aficionado himself and he's given a few lectures here and there – but I think… You might be the man for the task."
Chakotay couldn't stop himself from staring at the admiral in surprise. This was even better than he'd imagined. "So long as I can do this as a civilian, and not be directly under the admiralty's chain of command, that sounds great, Admiral."
At his words, realization sparked a strange light in the admiral's eyes, but Chakotay refused to look away and he held his ground as Hayes leveled him with a penetrating look.
"Well…" the admiral replied at last, with a smile. "I'm sure we could arrange that. I respect one's need for independence and desire to be free of certain…restraints…associated with a hierarchical organization like Starfleet. Am I right in assuming that soon-to-be Admiral Janeway would champion this arrangement?"
Chakotay let a slow smile form on his lips. "I certainly hope so, sir. I certainly hope so."