Chapter 10
The late afternoon sun blanketed the hundreds of people gathered in Starfleet's quadrangle for the ceremony with a bright, yellow aura. The rows of officers' and cadets' uniforms on one side of the aisle created a stark, orderly contrast with the colorful mix of the guests seated on the other side. Kathryn sat with her crew on the stage Starfleet had set up for the occasion as she listened to various admirals' speeches.
Earlier that day they had fired up Voyager's thrusters for the last time as a crew, and performed the much-anticipated descent into Earth's atmosphere. Kathryn had smiled at how eager Tom was to comply with her order of: "Alright Tom, time to show her off."
They had given a one-hour spectacle worthy of the best air shows of the old days, especially when they'd deployed the armor technology from the future and Tom had sent Voyager into a spin after boosting the inertial dampeners. After they were done, they had returned Voyager to the docking station, and the crew had been transported directly back to Earth to get ready for the ceremony, scheduled for a couple of hours later. Kathryn had been the last one to transport, and she'd taken the opportunity to say goodbye to her loyal Voyager, her throat constricted with emotion, but still hopeful that she would get an opportunity to journey with her again before long.
Now, at Admiral Hayes' request the crewmembers rose to their feet for the next part of the ceremony – the one Kathryn had been so looking forward to. As she stood next to Chakotay, her eyes absent-mindedly scanned the cheerful crowd. It was a nice sight and-
Kathryn did a double-take when her eyes unexpectedly fell on a familiar face. She focused her gaze and tensed in shock as she made eye contact with Mark, who sat among the families and friends of her crew. Of course! She had completely forgotten that he was listed as her next-of-kin in her Starfleet personnel file, since her sister had long lived abroad and her mother was still in Indiana. Kathryn could only stare in unexpected alarm as he gave her a subtle head nod.
She felt a warm touch brush against her elbow, and she snapped back to the moment, briefly meeting Chakotay's concerned gaze before returning her attention to Admiral Hayes' speech as best she could, clasping her hands behind her back to straighten her shoulders.
"It is with great pride, that we honor those who, in fulfilling their duty as Starfleet officers, were taken against their will lightyears away from home, with no one to rely on but themselves. The brave crew members – and youngest recruits," Hayes added with a smile at Naomi and the children proudly standing next to Annika, "aboard Voyager unexpectedly became our representatives in the Delta Quadrant, and they took on this challenge and responsibility in stride – with honor, fortitude, resourcefulness and a love for adventure worthy of Captain Kirk himself."
Laughter coursed through the crowd, but Kathryn was still too shaken by Mark's unexpected presence to fully focus. She was not prepared for this! As if sensing her dismay, Chakotay shifted a little closer to her side, and reached out behind her to briefly cover her hands with one of his own. It was subtle enough that anyone watching from the front would think he had his hands clasped behind his back, but Kathryn drew strength and composure from the simple touch. They exchanged a quick glance when he pulled back his hand.
"So today we celebrate the achievements and perseverance of this indomitable crew, who finally made it home, after an awe-inspiring seven-year journey across the galaxy. It is with great pride that I now ask the following crewmembers to step forward to accept a well-deserved recognition of their exemplary service: Ensign Harry Kim, Ensign Samantha Wildman, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Commander Chakotay."
The stunned expressions of the named crewmembers managed to chase away any leftover traces of uneasiness, and Kathryn grinned, eyes suddenly blurry with unshed tears of pride as they exchanged astonished looks and smiles and took one step forward. Chakotay shot her a questioning glance that seemed to ask 'what did you do?' but Kathryn gave him an encouraging nod. Trust me. Squaring his shoulders, he took a step forward with the others.
The admiral resumed the promotion ritual – pinning the appropriate pips on the officers' collars, until he reached Chakotay. Meeting his eyes, the admiral paused, then gave a smile before offering not a captain's pips, but a medal, as a symbol of a special commendation. He pinned it on Chakotay's chest, who still looked stunned from the unexpected recognition.
When the admiral stepped back the crowd and the rest of the crew erupted in cheers and applause, and Kathryn happily joined in, her pride in her crew so intense that it swelled up another wave of tears in her eyes. When Chakotay threw her a glance, Kathryn was relieved to see a raw mix of pride and gratefulness, and she felt a tear escape from the corner of her eye. And then his expression transformed into The Charmer, and she grinned, wiping the tear away with her fingers.
After the clapping ended, Admiral Hayes went on. "And last but not least, Captain Kathryn Janeway, please step forward."
The crowd fell utterly silent in anticipation. Encouraged by the warm look in Chakotay's eyes and the beaming officers standing next to him, Kathryn inhaled and stepped further onto the stage. "It is with great honor, and pleasure, that I promote you, Kathryn Janeway, to the rank of Vice Admiral," Hayes said as he smiled down at her and pinned her collar with her stars. "In doing so, we honor your courage, persistence and resourcefulness. Congratulations."
The crowd cheered loudly again, and Kathryn shared a giddy look with her fellow officers, then turned around to acknowledge the rest of the crew with a slow bow of her head.
"Thank you all," Admiral Hayes went on as he tried to shush the cheers. "We now invite you all to join us for the reception in the gardens, we hope to see you all as we give a proper welcome home to these brave individuals. I believe we have some fireworks planned after sundown, so please stick around! Thank you."
The crowd clapped again, and after a while started to disperse as food and drinks were laid out on various tables in the gardens that flanked the quadrangle.
Heart full near bursting, Kathryn turned back around toward her crew with a shaky breath. It was as if the rest of her crew shared in her slow, emotional sigh – and suddenly the tension broke into elated handshakes and hugs as congratulations were exchanged. Kathryn hugged B'Elanna, Harry and the others as she congratulated them and received the crew's own best wishes. Before she knew it she was facing Chakotay. They stood staring at each other for a long moment, unmoving, as though still bound by the restraint they were so accustomed to. But then he shook his head at her, smiling, and just barely opened up his arms in a subtle but unmistakable invitation.
Kathryn took it with a relieved chuckle. Stepping closer she was quickly enfolded in his arms, his warmth, his strength. Her heart fluttered when she noticed that he smelled like home. Her own arms around his neck brought his head close to her shoulder, and she could almost swear that he breathed her in before slowly, almost reluctantly, letting her go again.
He was smiling and gazing at her warmly when he pulled back, leaning over to extend the privacy of the moment a little longer. She absent-mindedly reached out to touch the medal on his uniform, the colors he would not be wearing for much longer. He'd told her earlier this morning that he had officially submitted his resignation, and was now waiting on Starfleet to make it official. She wondered if he had any regrets.
"Are you alright? What happened earlier?" He asked, his voice for her ears only. "You froze."
Kathryn shook her head, but she couldn't help throwing a glance to the spot Mark had occupied earlier. He was no longer there. Had she imagined him? "I thought I saw Mark in the crowd. It… took me aback."
"Oh. I see." His smile fell momentarily, but it quickly returned, softer. "You should go talk to him. Admiral," he added, dark eyes dancing with humor and pride.
"Ha!" Kathryn gave a crooked smile in acknowledgement of his tactical maneuver. "Flattery will get you anywhere."
He let out a quiet chuckle, before sobering again. "Seriously, Kathryn. Go talk to him, he's here. And he's important to you."
"He was," she corrected. But then sighed. "Alright," she conceded as she touched his arm and stepped further back. "I shouldn't take long, but I'll meet you later?"
"Take as long as you need. I'll be right here."
With one last grateful nod Kathryn stepped down from the stage, and looked on with pleasure at the various reunions that were happening all around her as she made her way through the crowd.
~0~
Harry stepped down from the stage with Tom and B'Elanna as they joked about the promotion and teased Tom about no longer outranking Harry. Although Harry knew that his legs were taking him into the garden, at the moment he felt like he was floating! A promotion! He could still hardly believe it! Captain – Admiral Janeway had certainly kept her cards close to her chest!
"Don't get overexcited, I still outrank you, Starfleet," B'Elanna warned with a grin that belied her tone. And then she turned to Tom, as if she'd just realized something. "And now I outrank you! Oh this is going to be so much fun…!"
Harry laughed at the look on Tom's face, and he almost missed the feather-light touch on his shoulder.
"Harry?"
Still grinning, Harry turned around – and stared at the familiar, grinning, faces.
"Mom! Dad!" Finally shaking off his astonishment – how had he not known that they were coming? Was this also Admiral Janeway's doing? – he jumped into motion and stepped into his mother's open arms. From the corner of his eye he saw Admiral Janeway walk past them and meet his gaze with a bright smile and small nod. Harry returned it, eyes blurry with unshed tears, then moved to shake his father's hand. To his surprise, his father pulled him into a hug as well.
"Welcome back, son!"
~0~
"And now I outrank you! Oh this is going to be so much fun…!" B'Elanna grinned as she took in Tom's not-entirely-feigned apprehensive expression and held out her arms so that Tom would return Miral to her arms.
"Harry?"
B'Elanna watched with an emotional grin as Harry's parents welcomed him back, and unconsciously tightened her grip on Miral, but eventually pulled on Tom's sleeve to give Harry some privacy.
Tom kept watching from over his shoulder as they moved away, grinning from ear to ear. "Wow, he looks so happy!" he said as he returned his attention forward. They met with Seven – who apparently now preferred to be called Annika – and she greeted them with a nod even as she kept a watchful, motherly eye over Icheb and the other children as they walked, amazed, not too far from her.
"Congratulations, Lieutenant Commander," she greeted B'Elanna. She fell in step with them and clasped her hands behind her back as they slowly walked toward the garden.
"Thank you. To be honest, I wasn't even sure my rank was officially recognized by Starfleet, so this is a nice surprise."
Tom gave a shrug. "It was probably the Captain's – sorry, the Admiral's doing."
"Did you know she had accepted a promotion?" B'Elanna asked, letting her astonishment reflect in her question.
Tom shook his head, but Annika gave a brief nod. "She mentioned something to that effect two days ago."
"Did she say why? For some reason I'm having a hard time picturing Janeway with a desk job."
"She didn't," Annika replied.
"Can you blame her? Her last assignment didn't exactly turned out the way she'd intended," Tom pointed out.
"Of course I can't blame her, but I'm surprised! I know she secretly loved it all – the challenges, the exploration... And what does that mean for Voyager?" B'Elanna asked, admittedly surprised to find herself concerned about what would happen to their ship.
"We'll need a new captain, I guess," Tom answered.
They fell silent as they considered this and stopped walking when they realized they had reached the garden area.
At last Annika spoke again, her voice now just over a whisper. "I find myself uncertain as to how to proceed in this kind of social event," she admitted as she looked around curiously, if a little apprehensively.
Tom chuckled. "Nobody knows, that's what makes it so awkward, and so much fun to watch."
Annika frowned in confusion. "I see."
"Tom!" A male voice with a distinctive authority called their attention to their right.
B'Elanna felt Tom stiffen next to her as Admiral Paris made his way through the crowd to meet up with them. Balancing Miral against one shoulder, she took Tom's hand and gave it a squeeze. He gave her a grateful smile.
"Dad," Tom greeted, as he used his free hand to shake the older man's hand.
"Congratulations on the promotion, Helena," he said, and before Tom had a chance to jump at the man's throat for the mistake on her name, B'Elanna smiled graciously. The irony that the half-Klingon was the one showing restraint wasn't lost on her as her hand in his kept Tom still.
"Thank you sir, and it's B'Elanna."
"Oh of course. Well, I'm sure the promotion is well deserved. Admiral Janeway certainly believes so."
An awkward silence fell between them, but suddenly Miral started to fidget against B'Elanna's shoulder, and she saw an opening. "I think this little one could use a change of arms, Admiral?" she asked as she placed Miral into his stunned arms – his expression as still as a statue. B'Elanna bit back a grin, but in the end smiled when she saw how Miral settled into her grandfather's arms without a fuss.
Admiral Paris' bewildered and slightly alarmed expression slowly transformed into one of wonder and B'Elanna exchanged a quick glance with Tom. Very carefully, the admiral brought Miral closer to his chest and touched her hair, before looking up at them with a bright smile.
The change in his usually severe expression was so stark that Tom actually chuckled. "She likes you," he said, smiling as his father melted a little bit more every second.
"What a good girl, she is," Owen Paris said almost too quietly for B'Elanna to hear.
She grinned. "She's happy to be home," she said, exchanging a long, meaningful look with Tom.
~0~
"Nobody knows, that's what makes it so awkward, and so much fun to watch."
Annika frowned in confusion at Tom Paris' reply. "I see."
The couple was promptly distracted when an older gentleman Annika recognized as Tom's father approached them. Annika put her arm around Mezoti's shoulders as she led the children further toward the food laid out in what Terrans described as a buffet. She spotted Chakotay standing with Tuvok and Admiral Hayes a short distance away, plates in their hands. Chakotay spotted her and waved her over.
She was about to comply, when a gentle female voice caught her attention.
"Annika? Annika Hansen?"
Annika turned on her heels and did a double-take as she recognized her father's sister from the few video conversations they had engaged in over the last few months. "Irene Hansen," she breathed, her surprise too great to allow further thought or movement.
"Yes, it's me!" the older woman replied, her hand instinctively resting on her own chest as if to regulate her own breathing, an emotional smile on her face.
"I- Please forgive me, how did you…?"
Irene Hansen smiled kindly. "How did I find out about this ceremony? I got a message from Starfleet a few days ago. I hope you're not upset that I came, I was just so looking forward to talking to you in person!"
"No, of course," Annika shook her head, still recovering from her surprise.
Irene smiled and her gaze moved to the children standing next to Annika.
"And you must be the young people Annika has spoken so much about. It's a pleasure to meet you all!"
The children responded with a varying degree of shyness and willingness to trust, but Annika smiled encouragingly at them. "This is my father's sister, Irene."
The younger children mumbled a hello but Icheb stepped forward and extended his hand in the way that Chakotay had taught him several weeks ago. "It's a pleasure, ma'am," he said and Irene's smile widened.
While Annika herself was still trying to make sense of the last few days' events and what Voyager's return to Earth meant for her personally, she realized that her aunt would make a suitable and trustworthy caretaker for the younger children, when Annika decided to set her plan into motion.
The answer to her question had been waiting for her here all along.
~0~
"Well, Mr. Chakotay," Admiral Hayes said once the usual pleasantries were exchanged, "your resignation has been officially accepted, and is effective immediately." Chakotay nodded and shook the admiral's hand, surprised by how conflicted this made him feel – for better or for worse, he had liked wearing the uniform and the sense of purpose that had come with it, and he knew that a part of him would miss it sometimes. Yet, he had so much to look forward to as a civilian that this positive feeling almost completely overtook the other.
The medal on his chest caught the late afternoon sunlight and he smiled to himself as he glanced at it. It was a subtle compromise on Kathryn's part (because he had no doubt that the honor originated from her), her way of acknowledging his decision to move on from Starfleet, while rewarding his service, regardless. For a moment he'd been afraid that she'd promoted him to captain despite his insistence that he didn't want it, but he should have known better.
"I was unaware that you intended to leave Starfleet, Commander," Tuvok chimed in with an expression that was almost surprised.
Chakotay nodded, smiling. "I've decided I've had enough exploration for a while. I'm happy to pass on the torch to more worthy officers, like yourself," he added squeezing Tuvok's shoulder.
"That is kind of you to say, Mr. Chakotay."
Chakotay bit his cheek to refrain from grinning. "Just Chakotay, Tuvok."
Tuvok bowed his head. "As you wish."
"Is your family not here to greet you?" Chakotay asked as his eyes swept around the garden, where families and friends were reunited in sounds of laughter and sights of happy tears. He'd been touched to witness Harry's reunion with his parents, as well as Sam Wildman's reunion with her husband, and Naomi with her father. A part of him was curious about Kathryn and wondered how it was going with her ex-fiancé, but he forced himself not to give in to his overprotective impulse to find her amidst the crowd, and give her the space she needed.
Tuvok shook his head. "They are waiting for me on Vulcan. I am to join them next month."
Chakotay smiled. "I'm sure they'll be pleased to see you."
Tuvok nodded again. "As I will be pleased to see them."
"To happy reunions," Admiral Hayes toasted as he raised his glass.
"Hear, hear."
~0~
Kathryn finally spotted Mark's tall frame as he stood talking with other guests at the far edge of the quadrangle. Fighting the strange trepidation that clenched her stomach, she squared her shoulders and put her metaphorical captain – admiral – mask on before she approached him. His interlocutors saw her first and they smiled their congratulations. Mark turned to face her and he froze for a second before shaking himself and giving her an uncertain smile.
"Kathryn."
The two people Mark was chatting with bowed their goodbye and promptly joined another group's conversation, leaving them alone. "Mark."
"It's good to see you!" He blurted out as if spurred into motion and leaned in to kiss her cheek. "You look well!" He added as his gaze scanned her face just as much as she was studying his. He was still a handsome man and the same person she had known, yet the thinning hair and additional lines on his face reminded her how much time had passed since she had last seen him, since she had been in love with him. The realization struck her, yet it didn't surprise her as much as she would have thought. This certainty that her romantic feelings were gone, this knowledge, helped her keep her composure during this very strange reunion.
"Thanks, so do you, Mark."
"Congratulations – on the promotion."
"Thank you." Looking around, this felt like too public a space, so she gestured for him to walk with her and they took a leisurely pace as they moved away from the mingling crowd, where they could talk without being overheard.
"So getting this invitation must have come as a surprise," she drawled wryly, seeing him nod from the corner of her eye. "I apologize for that. Not that I'm not happy to see you – but I didn't mean to make it awkward. Apparently Starfleet invited all of my crew's next of kin, and it didn't occur to me that I'd never updated my file while I was in the Delta Quadrant. Well, there was no real need for it, then. It wasn't really a priority."
He shook his head, brows knitted together. "It's okay. Really. I'm glad I could make it today. It was a moving ceremony. And to be honest, I think I needed to be here." He sighed as he gazed down at her, his expression softening. "I was so relieved to hear from you when you sent me that message a few years ago… For a long time I'd thought you were lost forever."
Kathryn smiled derisively. "Well, to be honest, I thought I was too, for a while."
"So, how was it? It sounds so incredible, everything you've gone through… What was it like?"
Kathryn considered his question for a moment, then shook her head. "You know it's funny; for the longest time all I longed for was to tell you everything, and share this journey with you, but now I realize… that's not our relationship anymore."
He winced and looked away.
"I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty for moving on, in fact I've moved on myself. I have no intention of coming back into your life, or of making this difficult for you."
"Seeing you today kind of makes me wish you would."
"Mark…" Kathryn warned.
"I know it's not possible. And you're right – while you were away, I couldn't live with the constant worry and not knowing, so yes, I moved on eventually. I hope you can forgive me for that."
"I already have, Mark. I could never blame you for moving on."
"I'm sure there were times when you thought you wouldn't make it back and sought comfort in someone else?"
"Actually no. Well, it's only when I got your letter that I realized I should move on too," she added softly, as if to herself. "But that doesn't matter now. What's done is done. So what made you come today?" Kathryn asked to veer the conversation to safer grounds. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you hadn't."
"I suppose, to see for myself, to make sure that you were really okay. Despite what happened, I'll always care for you, Kath. You know that."
Kathryn nodded, but kept her gaze resolutely away. She reciprocated the sentiment, however her instincts told her to stay guarded, so as to not give him any reason to hope. Not that he expected her to come back to him, she could tell that he didn't, but it was tempting to wonder about the what-ifs, even if they were meaningless. The memory of Chakotay sitting across from her at the restaurant table with that intense, vulnerable expression on his face as he told her that his heart had long been hers, sprang to her mind unbidden. It reminded her of her future, the future she wanted, and she relaxed. She wouldn't let Mark and bygones be a threat to that future.
"By the way, Mollie will be excited to see you. If you want her back, the least I can do is hand her back to you."
Kathryn's heart leapt in unexpected joy. "Oh, how is Mollie?"
They spoke about the dog and her litter for a while, and it felt good to come back to common ground, to a topic they could talk about without the fear of misunderstanding or innuendo. After some debate about who should take her, they decided to let Mollie make the decision herself. After all Mark had been her caretaker for a long time now, and Kathryn didn't want to traumatize her any more than she already had.
Talking about Mollie had brightened Kathryn's spirits, and Mark noticed. "You seem happy."
Kathryn drew in a long breath as she took in her surroundings: her crew being reunited with friends and family, the sound of laughter and music filling the air, the warmth of the lowering sun on her face, and the knowledge that somewhere close, Chakotay was waiting for her.
"You know, I believe I am! You?"
"I'd say I'm… content." They were silent for a moment, and then he cleared his throat, his tone now teasingly curious. "So, you mentioned moving on… Anyone special in your life? Anyone sweep you off your feet in the Delta Quadrant?" He asked with a teasing smile, which Kathryn appreciated for its honesty and courage. She knew it couldn't have been easy for him to ask.
She smiled to herself and looked away so he wouldn't see her expression. "Well wouldn't you like to know."
"That dark-haired fellow who was decorated today, perhaps?"
Kathryn threw him a surprised glance.
He chuckled. "I know you, Kath. I noticed how instinctively you leaned into him. Oh don't worry," he added at her embarrassed expression. "It was very subtle. I doubt anyone else picked up on it. I'm happy for you. Truly."
She nodded, still a little embarrassed that he had figured it out so quickly. "It's a recent development, in fact it's still in development," she admitted with a flustered chuckle. "Chakotay was my first officer and closest friend and I-" She stopped herself when she recalled whom she was talking to, and cleared her throat. "It's complicated. He's important to me – crucial, in fact, and I don't want to rush into anything without making sure that he's not going to get hurt in the process. I was his captain for so long that's it's not necessarily easy to just let go of that history."
Mark frowned as he stared at her curiously.
"What?" She asked when she noticed his reaction.
He gave a shake of the head. "Nothing, I just – maybe we've both changed, but I've never known you to play it so cautiously before." At her indignant look, he raised his hands defensively. "I'm just saying, from what I recall patience is not your strongest virtue, it never has been. Let's face it, your brilliant mind likes a quick fix as much as it likes a good puzzle, Kathryn."
"And you're not trying to be insulting?"
"Look, I don't know this man," he said, sobering, "and I realize you're just trying to be thoughtful. But let me caution you, as a friend: he may have been your subordinate on your Voyager, but no one likes to be patronized and I suspect he wouldn't either, not if you're going to be equals in this relationship. So maybe you're the one who needs to get used to that change in the power dynamics – and not him. Maybe you're the one afraid of getting hurt."
Kathryn stared at him half-indignant and half-astounded at how much he seemed to understand Chakotay despite the fact that he had never even met him. That's when she realized: he was speaking from experience. Had she truly been this patronizing with him? She had, she realized with a sinking feeling.
Kathryn's gaze softened as it dawned on her that he was right – about everything. She had really been trying to protect herself; from her feelings for Chakotay, from the knowledge that she couldn't live without him, from the fear and vulnerability that came with this knowledge. She knew with every fiber of her body that Chakotay wouldn't have declared himself unless he knew with absolute certainty that this was what he wanted. So all along it had been her feelings, her heart, that she'd been protecting, not his.
"Oh Mark," she whispered as she stopped walking. "How did you even put up with me all these years?"
His gaze softened as well as he looked down at her with a small smile. "Nobody's perfect, Kath. But you come pretty close," he added with a teasing smile before he sobered slightly. "I feel privileged knowing you, and calling you a friend."
Kathryn squeezed his forearm gratefully. "Thank you for coming today."
He gave a nod.
"And for telling me things I didn't want to hear."
"That's what friends are for, right?"
Kathryn let a lopsided smile touch her lips as she started stepping away. "Then you won't mind me telling you – that haircut? Not your best look."
He was stunned for a second, but then laughed, and Kathryn walked away armed with newfound determination: she had to find Chakotay.
oooOooo