Chapter 11

Equipped with newfound determination, Kathryn quickly returned to the quadrangle in search of Chakotay. For the first time, she felt ready and eager to talk about their future. It was ironic to think that it was Mark who had made her face up to her fears – but she supposed she had unknowingly needed that kind of closure in order to move forward.

As Kathryn attempted to weave her way back from the far end of the quadrangle to the garden area closest to the stage, however, she kept getting accosted by acquaintances from Starfleet, and sometimes by her crew, who wished to introduce their family members to her. While Kathryn appreciated the sentiment, the constant interruptions jarred with the new sense of urgency that her conversation with Mark had kindled in her. Kathryn had to force herself to be patient and take an interest in her interlocutors.

Lieutenant Barclay was one of the first to accost her, and Kathryn smiled at him and his companion, a beautiful woman with striking dark eyes that Janeway recognized as the Enterprise's Betazoid counselor. Lieutenant Barclay was quick to congratulate Kathryn on her promotion, and comment on how moving the ceremony was, and how fantastic her crew looked, up on the stage. As she half-listened Kathryn couldn't help but steal some searching glances over his shoulder to see if she could pinpoint Chakotay's location, even though she knew he was probably too far to be able to spot.

At some point she noticed that Counselor Troy was watching her curiously with a subtle but knowing smile – and Kathryn realized her feelings had betrayed her to the empath. Guiltily she focused her attention back on Lieutenant Barclay's praise of Admiral Hayes' speech. Counselor Troy gently interrupted Barclay with a hand on his arm and his elocution faltered to a stop.

"Reg," she said, her voice gracefully lilting with her accent. "I'm sure Admiral Janeway has many people to say hello to, we shouldn't monopolize her attention."

Barclay stared back at Kathryn in horror. "Oh yes of course! Forgive me Admiral!"

Kathryn gave him a genuine smile. "It's quite alright, Lieutenant, but I'm afraid Counselor Troy is right. However I'm sure we'll have more time to catch up in the future. I'd certainly love to hear more about Pathfinder." He seemed pacified and Kathryn exchanged a grateful smile with Counselor Troy. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Counselor. And please, give my best wishes to Captain Picard when you next see him."

Deanna Troy gave a bright smile. "Of course, Admiral. Welcome home."

Relieved, Kathryn stepped away. However she was barely able to take five steps before the Doctor, who was surrounded by a number of bright-eyed medical cadets, spotted her and called her over. Taking in a calming breath, Kathryn plastered another smile onto her face even as her eyes continued to search the crowd. She engaged in conversation with the Doctor and the cadets for a while, but, much to Kathryn's amusement, it soon became obvious that the Doctor enjoyed the cadets' devoted attention, and it was easy for Kathryn to eclipse herself from his gloating about this and that achievement.

The other people she ran into were vague acquaintances who only stopped her for congratulations or a couple of well-intentioned questions about the Delta Quadrant, or how she had apparently pacified the Maquis, or even some inquiries about Seven of Nine and her role on her crew. Kathryn answered them all as patiently as she could, but she could almost feel Chakotay's patience waning (though there was probably a little projection on her part there) as she stood among strangers, nodding graciously and smiling so much her jaw muscles were starting to hurt.

She had to admit, the timing of her epiphany about her feelings was terrible! On a normal day, she would have actually enjoyed this reception, the reunion and the small talk, but at the moment she had only one thought on her mind: find Chakotay.

By the time she made it back by the garden area where she'd left him, the sun had almost completely disappeared over the horizon, and lamps and outdoor string lights illuminated the garden and created a festive and comfortable atmosphere for the remaining crowd. Some people had obviously left, but the garden was still packed with chattering groups of people holding drinks and plates. Much to Kathryn's dismay, no matter where she looked, there was no Chakotay to be found. She spotted Tuvok engaged in conversation with Lieutenant Ayala and she approached them.

"Excuse the interruption, gentlemen, have you seen Chakotay?"

Ayala nodded. "Ah yes, he took off a while ago, I overheard him say something about waiting long enough, or enduring this for long enough, or something like that…"

Kathryn's heart sank. Was it possible that he had in fact lost his patience with her? Or that he believed her to still be interested in Mark? Had he misunderstood her somehow? It was hard to believe, but the thought terrified her nonetheless and she felt a rise of irrational fear grip her heart. "Do you know where he went?" She asked as she tried not to let her sudden panic show in her expression.

"He went back in the direction of the Academy, I'm guessing back to his quarters."

Kathryn nodded as she took a step back. "Thank you, gentlemen." She turned on her heels and hurried through the gardens, throwing distracted, admittedly not-entirely-sincere smiles at those who waved or smiled at her.

Tom waved her over as she whisked past him. "Captain Janeway! Sorry, Admiral, I have a message for you from-"

"Not now Tom!" Kathryn replied as she kept walking. As soon as she was out of the garden area and clear from sight of most onlookers, she upped her pace until she was practically jogging – driven by the uncontrollable fear that she was too late. It couldn't be, yet her stomach knotted painfully at the possibility. Her heels echoed loudly on the concrete beneath her feet as she hurried across Starfleet grounds and to the building that housed their temporary quarters.

By the time she reached its great hall and stepped into the turbolift, she was hot from the fast pace, her heart beating wildly in her chest. Even though the temperatures were cool and comfortable inside, Kathryn unbuttoned the top of her uniform and fanned her face in brisk, nervous movements.

After what felt like an eternity, the turbolift stopped and Kathryn stepped out as she hurried through the now familiar corridors. When she reached Chakotay's quarters, she raised her hand to chime the doorbell, but at the same moment the door opened and Chakotay almost collided with her when he stepped out.

"Kathryn!" His arms came up to her upper arms as if to keep her upright as he gave her a surprised glance-over. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"

"You left," she stated, her tone more surprised than accusatory as she willed her breathing under control. Her heart was still pounding madly against her ribcage, though she guessed by this point it was more from the adrenaline rush that pulsed through her veins at the sight of him, than from exertion.

He frowned a little, but a small smile curved his lips. "I just came back to change, I told Tom to let you know I'd be back if he ran into you. My resignation is now official, and for some reason the uniform suddenly felt itchy against my skin. I figured I had endured the sensation long enough," he told her jokingly.

Kathryn stared at him. She vaguely remembered Tom trying to let her know something, but in her hurry she had brushed him off. The rest of his words reached her brain and she suddenly took in his civilian patterned shirt and how handsome the coloring and design made him look. He had pinned the medal on the front pocket, proudly showing it off despite the lack of uniform underneath. She touched it distractedly, and felt his sharp intake of breath under her fingers. Now Ayala's comment made more sense, and Kathryn's panic was slowly replaced by embarrassment.

She gave a flustered chuckle, shaking her head. "I thought… Never mind," she added, patting the spot on his chest her hand had been resting on.

When she looked back up he was gazing at her intensely but with a hint of amusement. "What did you think?" He pressed gently.

She shook her head again. "That, maybe you'd run out of patience and got tired of waiting for me to come back to you," she said on a derisive chuckle, trying to keep her tone light and playful, even though it was the truth.

"I'm a pretty patient man," he replied, eyes still twinkling with a mischievous glint. Oh how she loved that gleam in his eyes!

She gave him a crooked smile, her eyebrows curving upward. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you had tired of waiting… I have been rather slow to respond to you, haven't I?"

Chakotay looked like he wasn't sure how to respond, so Kathryn saved him from it.

"No, don't say it, I know." She let out a sigh. "Can I come in?"

His eyes shot to her face with a battling mix of surprise, eagerness and a touch of dread. "Of course," he replied as he stepped aside and let her go in first. "Excuse the mess, I'm still unpacking." His quarters already smelled like him, she noticed distractedly as she walked past him and into his living room.

"Remember a few years ago, I told you I couldn't imagine living a day without you?" She asked as she whirled around to face him.

He had followed her in, but he had stopped advancing so that there were now several steps of empty, charged space between them.

He gave a small nod, his hands on his hips. "I remember." He looked down and Kathryn saw a version of The Charmer curve his lips. "To be honest I wasn't sure you did."

Kathryn's expression softened. Had she really been this aloof recently that he had doubted her affection? That he'd been, somehow, blind to how deeply she'd come to love him? How essential he had become to her? No wonder he'd decided to move on with someone else.

"I realized something today." She placed her hands on her hips and started pacing, her eyes never leaving his face. "I realized that, even though I meant it back then, I didn't really know what it meant, or the extent of the truth of it." She frowned in discomfort as the next words formed in her mind. "But when I discovered about you and Seven, I was suddenly faced with the reality of it; the reality of having taken too long, of having to go on day after day without you, and then I really knew what that meant."

"Kathryn-" he started as he took a step toward her, his expression apologetic, but Kathryn stopped him with a raised hand.

"I've been hiding," she blurted out, suddenly feeling breathless, "behind my rank, my responsibilities, and behind our return home. But that stops now, because I know now, that not only can't I imagine living without you, I can't bear it – it's like trying to breathe without oxygen. I don't want to live another day without you, Chakotay. Not without knowing that we'd be there, together, at the end of the day. Because I want you in my life too, Chakotay. Desperately. And not just as friends or colleagues either."

His gaze held hers intensely for a long moment while he stood perfectly still. Kathryn's breath caught in her throat while she waited, seemingly on the brink of some vast and unknown expanse.

Just when the silence stretched so thin that Kathryn could almost feel it making her skin tingle with anticipation, he exhaled and started into motion – bridging the gap between them in wide, determined strides. Before she knew it his hands came up to cup her cheeks and his lips descended on hers and their bodies clashed and her arms circled his neck and her fingers raked through his hair. His lips were warm and demanding and Kathryn pulled him down closer, hungry for more, needing more, and he deepened the kiss in answer, stealing a moan from deep in her throat. His hands moved and trailed down from her cheeks to her shoulders, and moved to circle around her back in order to bring her fully into his arms and Kathryn sighed against his mouth. Their lips parted for a brief moment before Kathryn changed the angle of her head and kissed him hungrily again. Her heart soared and her veins burned with a feverish need to get closer, to show him the depth of her feelings.

He, however appeared to have a different idea; he slowed down after a few breathless moments. She felt his lips curve against hers. She pulled back just enough to be able to look at him, their noses touching and their shallow breaths intermingling between them. His eyes were closed but he was smiling, his brows knitted together, and warmth diffused all over Kathryn's heart. Then he chuckled softly and she pulled back a little bit more, her own lips contagiously turning into a curious smile.

He opened his eyes and, seeing the inquisitive slant of her eyebrow, decided to satisfy her curiosity. "I thought maybe you'd come here to define parameters again," he whispered teasingly as one of his fingers came up again to touch her cheek.

Kathryn let out a small, breathless chuckle at the memory. They had come so far since then. "No parameters. Just us. Just this." She sighed and touched his jaw with the tips of her fingers.

His smile widened into a dimpled grin. "Good."

They shared a long look, until he slowly leaned in to kiss her again, as though giving her time to change her mind. Kathryn pressed her lips to his instead. This time the kiss was slow and tantalizing and his touch on her back and ribcage became loving and exploratory and arousing rather than desperate, and Kathryn felt herself melt against him, her cells burning with a fever she hadn't felt in a long time. She pressed herself even more into his body and sighed as their bodies came into full contact. He paused on a gasp, but Kathryn held his dark eyes and kissed him again, and slowly started pushing him backward.

He understood her intent and, eyes sparkling with a new kind of gleam, he pulled back far enough to take her hand, and guide her to the bedroom.

oooOooo

If paradise exists, it surely can't be better than this.

The thought forced itself into Chakotay's mind some time later as he half-sat against the headboard of his bed, with Kathryn tucked against his side, her hand tracing distracted patterns on his chest as she pressed her ear to his heart. He held her close, still slightly puzzled that this was really happening, that this new intimacy between them wasn't a figment of his imagination. That she was really here, in his arms, and actually wanted to be there. He unconsciously tightened his hold on her, resting his cheek against her head and inhaling the familiar scent of her hair and skin. It was all around him now and he never wanted it to evaporate.

"I have to admit, I feel a little guilty – I just abandoned the crew to their own devices," Kathryn drawled. Her voice was sleepy but its familiar lilt of amusement belied her alert state of mind.

Chakotay chuckled and she snuggled closer. "With your promotion they'll need to get used to it eventually," he replied teasingly. "We can go back, if you'd like. We could probably make it in time for the fireworks. Besides, I heard your stomach growl earlier."

Kathryn threw him a bright smile and her hand came up to touch his chin. He caught it with his own and kissed her fingers. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay here like this, I think I'd like that. I don't know when I'll get another chance to spend time with the crew before they all go their own way… You don't mind?"

He smiled, his free hand gently caressing her hair and bare shoulder. "Of course not, we have the rest of our lives to enjoy moments like this, if we want. And if you recall I was planning on returning. Before you ambushed me here," he added slyly.

Kathryn pushed herself up and threw him an impish grin over her shoulder as she reached for her discarded clothes, doing a masterful job of ignoring his comment about a life-long commitment. "I don't recall you complaining," she teased with a raised eyebrow.

"Who's complaining?" He responded with a quick grin before he caught her waist just as she was about to stand, and pulled her for a brief but intense kiss. She let out a low moan, her hand coming to gently rest on his cheek. Before he got carried away, Chakotay pulled back and smiled at her before he reached for his own clothes.

A part of him was still struggling to wrap his head around the fact that Kathryn had chosen him – especially after he'd all but sent her back to Mark. Admittedly he had taken it as a gamble, and it had worried him a little. After all he had seen firsthand how hard she had taken the news of the man she'd loved moving on. And while he had also witnessed her own attempts at moving on over the years, he knew how hard it could be to face the one that got away, the one who had left such a gaping void inside her heart. As much as the thought had frightened him, however, he had also wanted her to make an informed decision – if she chose him over Mark (or anyone else, for that matter), he wanted the decision to be born of a certainty of her feelings, not because she wouldn't have gotten the chance to find closure with someone else.

So when he'd finally found her on his doorstep, her cheeks flushed and her eyes alight with newfound determination, his heart had skipped a long beat before resuming at maddening speed. He hadn't asked her how the reunion had gone, because frankly he didn't want to know, but he was still curious about what had happened to suddenly make her face her fears and feelings. Maybe he would ask her, someday.

While he was lost in thought, Kathryn had moved to the mirror to straighten her hair, and that's when her eyes fell on the photograph that Chakotay had left on the dresser when he'd changed earlier. She walked closer to it, frowning in curiosity as she picked it up.

Chakotay hurried behind her and tried to pry the photo from her fingers, but she was faster and quickly moved out of his reach. "I don't recall seeing this one before!" Kathryn said as she took in his suddenly sheepish expression. She narrowed her eyes as she recalled the moment the photo had immortalized. "Wait, didn't you say your eyes were closed? They look quite open to me," she teased. He tried to grab it again, but she was faster.

"You told me once I shouldn't be embarrassed around you – the same goes for you, Chakotay."

He shifted on his feet. "I am embarrassed, and I'm not sure why – this… it just feels… inappropriate." At her frown he sighed in frustration. "What I mean is, I had no right to look at you that way. Not then. It's not becoming of a first officer, wouldn't you say?"

Kathryn's smile softened as she looked at the photo again. "Maybe not, but this captain would have understood." She stepped closer and handed him back the photo. "This captain would have secretly liked to know you looked at her like that."

He took this in with a small, pleased, nod. "And the admiral?" he asked as he stepped closer.

"Oh she loves it. But of course there will be times when she'll try her damnedest not to let it show. So don't be fooled."

She was smiling, but he understood the underlying warning not to let her make him believe that she didn't feel anything for him. Besides, after the intimacy they had just shared, there was no way he could ever doubt the depth of her feelings for him. He gave her a warm, loving look as he studied her beloved features, and smiled at the blush that spread from her cheeks to her neck. That's when he realized he had given her the exact same look as the one they were discussing.

He cleared his throat with a grin. "Duly noted. We should hurry, or we'll never make it back in time for the fireworks."

They finalized their dress and headed out together. Once they were out in the night, they walked briskly against the slight chill that the breeze carried from the Bay. Chakotay relished the warmth of her body as she clung to his arm.

"What you said earlier… about the rest of our lives…" she started, her expression hidden in the semi-darkness of the city. "Did you mean it?"

Chakotay tensed a little, unsure where she was going with this, but he tugged her closer into his side. The truth was always the best answer, he decided. "Yes."

"What about your teaching dream? Won't that take you to another city or even another world?"

"Funny you should ask that," he replied with a small smile, hoping that what he was about to reveal would please her. "Admiral Hayes has offered me a teaching assignment at the Academy. I'm going to be staying here, in San Francisco. For now at least."

She stopped walking to better face him, her face half-lit by overhead city lights. "Chakotay, that's wonderful!"

His smile widened in relief. "I'm relieved you think so. Of course I told him that I would only consider it if they allowed me a certain independence from Starfleet. I don't want rank and protocols to stand between us anymore."

"No. Neither do I. I think we're way past that now." She was silent for a while as she considered this, but then looked back up again, her expression now serious. "But trust me on this, not even differences in rank could outweigh this feeling – no, this knowledge, that you're my match, Chakotay. In everything, and I love you for it."

He drew in a long breath before reaching out to touch her cheek. He kissed her softly, intensely, hoping to pour a little bit of himself and all he felt into that kiss.

Kathryn gave him a bright smile when he pulled back, and they resumed walking.

"Of course my research might take me away every once in a while," he went on. "But I'm sure there are some scientific curiosities to interest you in Central America," he added, a teasing smile tugging at his lips.

"Oh I'm sure." She nodded. "Beaches, for example, are quite the fascinating thing."

He laughed out loud, and Kathryn happily joined him. High above, fireworks exploded in fiery multitudes of light and colors, a perfect outward manifestation of the feelings that had for so long been hidden in the darkness of the universe.

oooOooo