Chapter 13 | You're Not Foolin' Me
Harold taped up a cardboard box and added it to the small mountain of boxes that were forming in the living room of things he needed to take to his new apartment.
"Are you sure there's nothing else you need?" Patty asked, furrowing her brow slightly with concern. She was happy that they were moving on but she'd been dating Harold since middle school. Even though she knew that they were doing the right thing, there was a slight pang in her heart when she realized that their relationship was really ending.
"No, I think this is everything." Harold responded, "Stinky said he would help me take the last bit of things over tomorrow."
Patty jumped at the knock at the door.
"Were you expecting anyone?" Patty asked.
"No." Harold said, making his way to the door. "Ma! What are you doing here?" Harold asked as his mother walked past him into the living room of the house.
"Well, you hardly call anymore. I've only seen my only grandson three times since he's been born! Where is my little bubbe?" Marilyn Berman, Harold's mother exclaimed. Jerry, his father was trailing behind her shaking his head with disapproval.
"I tried to tell her not to just come over here all unannounced, you know your mother though." Jerry rolled his eyes, entering the house and looking around the living room.
"Patricia, what's going on in here? All these boxes stacked everywhere, that's no way to live!" Marilyn exclaimed, looking at the cardboard moving boxes that Harold and Patty didn't think were overwhelming, until Marilyn pointed them out.
"It's temporary." Patty cleared her throat and said. Patty and Marilyn had never truly gotten along, they simply just tolerated each other.
"See, dear, it's temporary. No need to make a big deal out of it." Jerry remarked.
"I just don't understand why they need all of these boxes lying around, I'm uncomfortable just looking at it." Marilyn explained. Patty hit Harold gently on the arm, wondering what the hell his mother was going on about. Harold shot Patty a look in return, as if to say 'I'm sorry.'
"Mom, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm moving." Harold announced. His mother's eyes shot open as though she had been shot through the heart with his words.
"Why Harold!?" She whined, "You were going to move and not even tell your own mother?"
"It's complicated." Harold responded, shifting his eyes and placing his hands in his pant pockets. Even at twenty years old, his mother could make him feel like the size of an ant with just one look.
"What do you mean it's complicated? You know, you can tell me. Haven't I always been supportive of you?" Marilyn questioned, her eyes beginning to well up with tears. Patty rolled her eyes slightly at the theatrics of his mother.
"Marilyn, if he doesn't want to tell us, he doesn't have to tell us." Jerry quietly quipped.
"Jerry, I'm just saying that we're his parents and we're here for him." Marilyn remarked.
"Okay, well-" Harold began to state but was promptly interrupted.
"I mean there's a difference between being there for him and prying and you tend to border along the lines of prying." Jerry murmured.
"Dad-"
"Prying!? Who is prying!? I just want to know what is going on with our son. Is that so much to ask?" Marilyn gasped, flailing her arms wildly.
"Mom-"
"See, I can't talk to your mother when she gets all worked up like this." Jerry said, turning his back slightly away from his wife and crossing his arms.
"Mom, Dad—Patty and I are separated! That's why I'm moving out!" Harold shouted, hoping that the words could be heard over his parents' bickering. The room fell silent following Harold's confession. Jerry looked at the young couple in shock, Marilyn looked at them with a distraught expression.
"Patricia, is this true?" Marilyn asked, looking at the young girl.
"Yes, I'm afraid so Mrs. Berman." Patty responded with a destressed look in her eyes.
"A divorce though? So soon after my bubbe was born!? You two can work things out—you're so young." Marilyn remarked. Patty shot an uncomfortable look towards Harold, who started rubbing his left arm.
"Marilyn, we don't know what's going on, if they're separated then I'm sure they have good reason for it. It's none of our business." Jerry reiterated.
"None of our business? Our son is moving out of his apartment and leaving his wife and child behind. I'm concerned about my two little men, is that okay with you Jerry!?" Marilyn remarked, dramatically taking a seat on the couch.
"Ma, it's all my fault—that's all that needs to be said." Harold pleaded, his mother still staring at him in astonishment from her seat on the couch.
"What on earth could you have done that warrants a separation?" Marilyn pried. "You've always been such a good boy."
"Marilyn!" Jerry said, shaking his head in embarrassment.
"It's what needed to be done and it's what's best for our family." Patty explained.
"I messed up—I wish I could fix things," Harold said looking at Patty, "but the damage is already done. This is happening Ma, I'm sorry you had to find out this way."
"Harold, I warned you about messing around with these Shiksas!" Marilyn remarked, eying Patty up and down. Patty controlled the urge to tell her mother-in-law off.
"Ma! It's not like that at all." Harold exclaimed. "Patty sacrificed a lot for me and I took her for granted—now I'm paying the price."
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience—we're still in the middle of figuring things out ourselves—Chase is sleeping in his nursery still if you want to pay him a visit. I would never keep you away from your-" Patty stated firmly, looking around at Harold's family before finishing her thought, "bubbe".
Patty using the Yiddish term Bubbe brought a smile to Harold's face and Patty couldn't help but return it.
"You know, Harold brought home some amazing ground chuck the other night—it wouldn't take me long to whip up some spaghetti so we can eat together as a family." Patty smiled.
"That sounds great." Marilyn remarked, giving Patty a quick hug before heading to the nursery. Patty headed to the kitchen and pulled the ground chuck out of the refrigerator and began preparing it for dinner. Harold grabbed her arm as she pulled a frying pan out of the cabinet.
"You know, you don't have to do this right?" Harold told his wife.
"I know, but I want to." Patty smiled back at him. Their family may not be perfect but it was functioning the best they knew how and that's all anyone could ask for.
"Oh man Pheebs, those Buddy Love movies get funnier every time! Who would have thought Buddy Love goes Grapefruits would be so hilarious!?" Helga exclaimed, wiping tears from her eyes as she and Phoebe exited the movie theater.
"I'm still partial to the classic Buddy Love goes Coconuts if you ask me." Phoebe remarked dryly as she readjusted her glasses on her nose. Helga looked over at her friend and raised an eyebrow.
"Come on Pheebs, don't be such a downer. How about we hit up Slausen's for a nice sundae. You know I've always had a thing for ice cream." Helga joked, nudging Phoebe in her right arm.
"Ice cream does sound like a delightful idea." Phoebe responded, giving a very slight smile. The pair of friends walked towards Slausen's in a slightly awkward silence. Once at the ice cream parlor, they sat at the countertop and ordered their ice creams. While they were waiting for their confections to be made, Helga sat in the stool swooshing back and forth while tapping her fingers on the counter.
"Must you tap your fingers like that!?" Phoebe exclaimed. Helga stopped her stool and sat directly facing Phoebe at her left side. Phoebe found herself on edge
"Well—if you'd prefer we can have a conversation." Helga responded, raising her eyebrows slightly. Phoebe couldn't read what emotion was on her face. "I'm supposed to be your best friend Phoebe, why didn't you tell me about Stanford."
Phoebe sat uncomfortably in her stool as she searched her mind for an answer. She knew the reason why she didn't tell anyone, but Helga was the type of girl who had a response for everything and Phoebe knew that no response would be good enough for her.
"Honestly, everything was just so surreal. One moment we're in elementary school thinking about what our lives would be like."
"Never forget that you tried to justify why woodsperson would be a good career choice for me, but go on."
"The next moment we're in high school, in relationships, thinking that everything would eventually work itself out!" Phoebe exclaimed. Wyatt placed two large ice cream sundaes in front of the ladies. Phoebe eyed the concoction up and down while plotting how she was going to eat this entire thing, whereas Helga took her spoon and dug in immediately.
"I didn't intend to keep this secret from you or Gerald. I just really didn't know how I was going to tell either one of you. I'm really sorry Helga."
"Listen Pheebs, you're my best friend and you have been for quite some time and I have never judged you for anything that you do. I'll admit I don't fully understand exactly why you didn't tell me or anyone else about you applying to Stanford but I know that for you to keep a secret your reasoning must have been huge. So—I mean, to make a long story short I forgive you. Now come over here you big lug!" Helga exclaimed and Phoebe reached over to her right and gave her best friend a huge hug.
"I love you Helga." Phoebe beamed.
"I love you too Pheebs." Helga responded. "Now, do you want to tell me what's going on between you and tall hair boy?"
"Honestly? That's too much for one night—let's save that for another time." Phoebe chuckled. "How about you tell me what's going on with you and your new boyfriend." Phoebe smirked.
"Oh Phoebe," Helga responded, taking a slow, smooth bite of her ice cream, "Where do I begin."
"Lila, how does this outfit look?" Eugene asked, stepping into her bedroom wearing a pair of dark wash jeans, white converses and a white polo shirt.
"It looks fine to me." Lila remarked, before brushing past him to head to the living room.
"Are you okay? I thought you wanted to do this with me." Eugene inquired, following her into the common space of the apartment. Lila sat onto the couch to put her shoes on.
"I'm fine Eugene and I do want to do this with you. I'm just oh so worried about how everything is going to go tonight." Lila responded honestly looking up at Eugene with big, wide eyes.
"It will be fine—besides, you're supposed to be my support system not the other way around!" Eugene exclaimed, nudging his best friend slightly, causing her to let out a small giggle.
"I know, I know." Lila responded.
When the pair arrived to the Horowitz household, Lila immediately felt uncomfortable walking through the door. She had been to Eugene's childhood home many times, Eugene's parents always felt very welcoming. Somehow this time had a different vibe as she walked through the door.
"Lila dear, you look absolutely radiant!" Mrs. Horowitz remarked as she leaned in to give Lila a hug and a kiss on each cheek. "Come on in, take a load off. I'm just finishing up right now."
Lila could feel her palms getting sweaty, she looked over at Eugene for moral support but he looked cool as a cucumber. Great. She thought to herself.
"Dinner is ready!" Mrs. Horowitz sang out from the kitchen. Eugene pulled out Lila's chair and she took a seat. The spread was extraordinary: fresh garden salad, homemade biscuits, fried and baked chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and sautéed green beans.
"Everything looks ever so amazing!" Lila exclaimed as she gazed over the food.
"Just a normal Thursday evening!" Mrs. Horowitz chuckled to herself. Lila found herself blushing slightly, she remembered having days where she didn't know where her next meal was coming from. She shook the thought from her mind. Eugene noticed Lila's nervousness and placed a warm hand over hers.
"So, son, you said you had something important to tell us." Mr. Horowitz remarked after everyone had served themselves around the table. Eugene was in the middle of taking a bite of his mashed potatoes when his father inquired the purpose for the family dinner that evening.
"Yes, you seemed quite eager over the phone for us to have dinner this evening. I'm quite excited to hear the important news myself." Mrs. Horowitz remarked, eyeing her son from across the dinner table. Eugene's eyes looked up at the ceiling, he thought that he was ready to come out to his parents but now that everyone was seated staring at him, he was having second thoughts. Okay Eugene, it's now or never! He thought to himself.
"Yes! I am quite excited to share with everyone my news!" Eugene managed to state at the table with enthusiasm. He could feel the eyes of his parents staring holes through his body. "It's about—who I am as a person. Hopefully you will be able to accept it."
Eugene's parents shot each other a strange look before refocusing on their son.
"I have been holding back a part of who I am for a very long time." Eugene explained, he could feel sweat beads forming below his hairline on his furrowing brow.
"Mom—Dad—I am-" Eugene began to state, pausing for a moment to look at his best friend who was staring back at him with a polite smile to cheer him on. "I'm dating Lila—that's the big news!"
"What!?" Lila exclaimed along with Mr. and Mrs. Horowitz.
"Yes, Lila and I have found that our emotions for each other are just too much to keep secret—so I hope you will accept the fact that we're not just roommates, we're dating." Eugene blurted out. Lila's face was turning beet red.
"You know, I always thought that the two of you would make a cute couple." Mrs. Horowitz said as she got up from her seat to give Lila a big hug. "I know that you'll take good care of him."
"I couldn't envision anyone more perfect for our little Eugene." Mr. Horowitz doted on his son. Lila smiled awkwardly towards his family, the conversation continued on nearly constantly until Eugene and Lila prepared to leave.
"Thank you so much for coming tonight and giving us such wonderful news." Mrs. Horowitz exclaimed as the pair prepared to head home.
"I'm ever so certain the pleasure was all mine." Lila diplomatically stated before they headed down the steps of the apartment building. Once they were out of view from the Horowitz residence Lila delivered a swift punch to Eugene's left arm.
"What the hell was that for?" Eugene asked, rubbing his arm for comfort.
"We're dating now!?" Lila yelled, "That wasn't part of the plan!"
"Keep your voice down! I'm sorry—I panicked." Eugene explained.
"You owe me big time." Lila remarked with the rare bit of anger displayed on her face.
"I Know, I know—I know how I can repay you—"Eugene responded with a sly grin on his face. Lila wasn't sure whether to feel relieved, grateful or nervous, she just knew she couldn't wait to be home.
Chase was finally sound asleep in his crib and Patty didn't know what to do with herself. Harold had officially moved into his new apartment and it was one of the first times Patty had been all alone overnight in the home. Patty grabbed a cold yahoo soda from the refrigerator, plopped down on her couch, and searched for something to watch on Netflix. She settled on old episodes of Golden Girls for background noise as she mindlessly surfed the internet on her laptop.
She logged on to Facebook and was surprised that she had a new friend request. Jason Miller. She grinned as she accepted the request. She decided to take a look through his Facebook page. He had a nice mix between fun vacation photos, family pictures and business photos. She noticed that he was 25 years old, a little older than her group of friends and that he was originally from Ithaca, New York. She was deep into his timeline when a small chat box popped up on her screen.
Jason Miller: Thanks for accepting my friend request.
Jason Miller: I hope you don't mind that I added you. :)
Patty Smith-Berman: Of course not.
Patty smiled to herself as they chatted back and forth finding out more and more information about each other. Patty was pleased, she hadn't made a new friend in quite some time. She had to admit to herself that she was rather attracted to him but that could be her little secret for now.
"I don't know about this Gerald," Arnold remarked as the duo walked down the street towards Harold's new apartment, "It's like I've got a bad feeling about this."
"Come on, what is there to be worried about—we used to play poker together all the time!" Gerald responded.
"We were nine." Arnold deadpanned. He reminisced about the many poker nights that were held in his childhood bedroom, times were innocent when they were children. Now they were visiting their recently separated friend for a poker night and he had no idea what to expect.
"Well, it will be good for us to be around some men for a chance. Don't get me wrong, I love Phoebe to death but I need to be around some testosterone." Gerald remarked. "I want to burp and not have to say excuse me, I want to be around people who don't think "fart" is a dirty word."
"So that's what male bonding is to you? Poor manners?" Arnold quipped, raising an eyebrow at his friend.
"Ha ha." Gerald sarcastically remarked as he lifted a fist to knock on Harold's apartment door.
"Took you guys long enough!" Harold responded as he opened the door.
"Well, hello to you too bubba." Gerald joked, patting Harold on the shoulder.
"We brought yahoos." Arnold said, handing a 12-pack of yahoos to Harold. Gerald and Arnold looked around the apartment. Harold had a few snacks laid out on the coffee table in front of his couch. Lorenzo was already sitting at the card table, drinking a yahoo.
"Hey man, I haven't seen you since you've been back." Lorenzo remarked as he rose from the table. Lorenzo outstretched a tanned hand and gave Arnold a solid bro shake. "What's new?"
Arnold opened his mouth to answer when there was another knock at the door.
"Who else are you expecting man?" Gerald asked, sitting on the couch with his feet crossed on the coffee table, tossing individual pieces of popcorn into the air and catching them in his mouth.
"What do you mean? When's the last time we had a poker night without Peterson?" Harold responded emerging from the kitchen.
"Man, I told you Arnold was coming—why would you invite him?" Gerald exclaimed jumping up from his seat.
"Stinky. Stinky Peterson is here?" Arnold sighed rolling his eyes and shooting a look towards Gerald.
"Well, what was I supposed to do!? I can't just uninvite him." Harold shouted, flailing his arms.
"Woah, what's the deal?" Lorenzo asked, looking around at the three men surrounding him.
"No deal. I'm sure everything will be fine." Arnold responded with a small forced grin on his face as he attempted to believe the words that came out of his mouth.
AN: Happy Monday everyone! My dear husband loves how Harold's parents banter on the show so that part of the chapter is for him, I hope that I did this couple justice. Four more everyone! Thanks for reading. :) -BuzzLightyearr