I Blame You

This is insane, why the hell does she see HIM? Is she in Heaven, or Hell? People who commited suicide went to Hell, didn't they? It'd make sense she's here with him, but not the beautiful music or bright lights. Her breath catches, something she didn't think could happen now that she's dead, and Maya moves a step back away from him. "What are you doing here?" She tries to sound cold even though her voice is barely a whisper, but her voice cracks and gives her away. Dammit.

Closing her eyes, she brings her fists to them, thinking that he'll be gone when she opens them again. Instead, she hears him walk over to her, and his hands-warm and gentle, like they had been when he was alive-take hers from her face. "Open those beautiful blue eyes I missed, I want to look at them, it's been awhile." Squeezing them tighter, she shakes he head, and he frowns. "You're mad at me, I get it. Why should you forgive me, after all, I was nothing special. You moved on fast."

He's goading her, and she knows it, but still it hurts and her mouth opens to snap, "I moved on because you obviously wanted to, breaking up with me through text and killing yourself in my sister's greenhouse. They never told me how you did it, and I never knew why. I tried to be a good girlfriend, and help you balance hockey and fun, but you never admit how sad you were! I couldn't help you, because you never freaking opened up."

He listens patiently, glad she's even speaking, and shoves his hands in his pockets with a small nod. "You have anything else you want to get off your chest?" His words make her remember when Dallas had teased about her flat chest, and she'd gotten rubber 'chicken cutlets' to make her look fuller in that area. She'd tried out for Mo's band that day, and one had ended up falling out; God, she'd been mortified, but Tori had been there for her.

Tori, yet another person who left her, just like Cam. Everyone left her, including Adam her bandmate, and the rage grows stronger. "No, I'm not done, I have more to say. I hated you for what you did, hated missing you and feeling sad, when you had dumped me. I wondered for so long what I could have done differently, why I didn't realize, and I tried to play it off. I tried to move on, forget you even exisisted. I went to a party, got drunk for the first time, was mean to Zig. A boy named Harry and I ended up kissing and a girl recorded us, and that stupid video cost me my audition! I blame you, Cam, for all of it! If you hadn't RUINED MY LIFE, I wouldn't have ruined my own, I wouldn't be the way I am now." Her hands are threading through her blonde hair now, and she's tugging in anger and frustration.

She had been so happy freshman year, her first boyfriend, good friends like Tori and Tris and Zig. Now Tris didn't talk to her, it was all about Zoe, and Tori was gone, Zig had Esme; a total bitch, but one he called his girlfriend. "I kept screwing up, I'm screwed up, don't you get that? I was in a bus crash and it put Tristan into a coma! I kept watching videos of accidents and tragedies, hoping to feel something, sunk underwater in my own bathtub...just to feel. I haven't been happy for a long time, and nobody has noticed!"

Just like no one really noticed how he was struggling. If he had been alive, would he have picked up on it? Would he have been able to keep her from this reality? Her voice is hoarse from yelling, and she is so angry she wants to cry. "I overdosed, that's why I'm here, but you probably know that. I swallowed a bunch of pills, went to the school bus; it's where the accident happened, where I should have died. I would listen to my music and just drift off, nobody would find out until the next day. Guess what? Mine wasn't as easy as whatever you did, it didn't take. I headed to the school roof, where DALLAS almost did it, and thought of jumping."

He winces, and she can't keep a smirk from appearing at gettiing him to react. "I walked on the edges, and it all happened at once. I fell to the ground and everything went dark, I felt at peace."

Yeah, so had he, like he could finally breathe again. "It's not like Katie and my mom wanted me around anyway, I was just causing more trouble for them, they wanted the OLD MAYA. She's gone, they didn't understand that. She died a long time ago, right along with you."

He blinks, fingers moving to the bridge of his nose as he rubs at his brown eyes, wiping away the tears forming. "I liked her a lot."