AN: I'm so tired. Here, take this chapter. Again, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. This is mostly an intro/setup chapter so don't expect too much in the way of plot development, but we've got gags aplenty. Have at it, folks.

Kuoh Academy, Occult Research Club

As Akeno poured the tea, she tried to not let her hands shake.

When Rias had called her to come into the clubhouse in the middle of the night, Akeno instantly started to worry that she had gotten herself into trouble while trying to recruit Hyoudou Issei for the peerage; she had dismissed those worries immediately afterwards. Her King could take care of herself, and this was Gremory territory. No one would dare lay a hand on Rias.

So how did it turn out like this?! Akeno internally screamed as the only sound in the room was from tea hitting the bottom of the ceramic cup. Hey, isn't this atmosphere a little… we may be in high school but that doesn't mean we have to act like teenagers dabbling in delinquency caught by teachers! They're not even teachers in the first place! Rias, it's all up to you!

She quickly finished serving the tea, and then took up a spot close to Rias, ready to jump in if any fighting started. Better safe than sorry, and she didn't trust that woman in the cloak one bit, not with the way she kept looking at the ceiling calculatingly like she was figuring out ways to bring it down on their heads.

The rest of the small group of people were arranged around the room, and it didn't escape Akeno's notice that they were all positioned carefully around the table. Every move, every motion was calculated. The people sitting in the chairs were extremely strange. They looked like a bunch of highschoolers, save for one little girl with snowy white hair and a man with tired eyes behind black-rimmed glasses; the rest of the group were spread out behind the table, all of them quietly on the lookout for any danger. Even their introductions were short, professional, giving nothing away save their names.

The only odd one out was Hyoudou Issei. The brown-haired pervert was fidgeting uncomfortably at the atmosphere.

"Please, enlighten us to what happened tonight." The girl in the red turtleneck and skirt, Rin Tohsaka, smiled in an incredibly saccharine fashion; Rias couldn't have done better herself.

Rias took a fortifying sip of tea, before steeling herself. "First, how much do you know about the Bible?"

The redheaded boy, Emiya Shirou, frowned. "We know the basics."

"Very well. Then this will be slightly easier to explain." At her cue, her peerage all snapped out their wings. "We are Devils."

Issei stared, but the others merely watched the peerage with analyzing eyes.

Rias continued, forging ahead despite the discomfort of all attention turned on her. "The Fallen Angel that attacked Issei-kun earlier, Raynare, wanted to kill him because of the Sacred Gear inside of him."

"I-inside of me?!" Issei blurted out, even as Matou Sakura frowned. "Sacred Gear?" she asked.

"Yes. Sacred Gears are relics of God that were granted to humanity; they are bound to the soul, and allows the wielder to enact miracles. Throughout history, many a hero used their Sacred Gears to create their legends."

The people around the table all seemed to perk up at the mention of heroes. Rin turned her piercing gaze onto Issei, who fidgeted even more. "You don't say? And Hyoudou-san here has one in him?"

"Yes, he does. That is why Raynare wished to eliminate him before he awakened it and became a threat to their faction. I am sad to say that it is an all too common fate from fledgling Sacred Gear bearers."

"Why didn't you step in earlier?"

Rias opened her mouth, and then paused. "What?" She said, nonplussed. "What do you mean, Emiya-san?"

"You know full well what I mean," The redheaded boy responded. "If you knew that the Fallen Angel was going to attack Issei, who from what I can tell doesn't know a thing about the supernatural, why didn't you step in? You clearly knew about the Fallen Angel. You clearly knew about the fact that Issei-kun possesses a Sacred Gear and quite possibly a very powerful one, what with Raynare trying to kill him. You were also watching Issei-kun, but did nothing to intervene when it was clear that the Fallen was after his life. If we weren't there, Raynare could and would have killed him. It clearly wasn't a case of you not being able to get to him fast enough; I could sense you at the periphery of the park.

So tell me— why did you wait for him to die?"

Rias found herself speechless. "That's...that's..." she stuttered, utterly thrown off balance. "That's not…!"

"Because she was trying to recruit him." Sona picked that exact moment to sweep in, her own peerage trailing after her. "Good evening, Gremory."

"Sitri." She replied coldly at the untimely interruption, glaring as the other devil smirked. Saji pulled up another chair for her and the black-haired Devil took her place at the table.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sona Sitri, the leader of the other Devil Peerage occupying this territory." The other King said. "Rias didn't step in to save Issei-san because she wished to recruit him into her peerage."

Emiya tilted his head in confusion. "Recruit him? How can she do that if he's dead? People die when they are killed, you know."

"As asinine as that sounds, it's the truth." Sona pushed her glasses up. "Since the Great War, we Devils have been quite thinned in numbers. Thus, we came up with the Evil Pieces, which allows us to reincarnate beings of other races into Devils in our peerage. Rias was most likely waiting to save Issei and gain a new follower at the same time."

"Without his consent?"

"I will not speak of her reasons or circumstances, for they are her own." Sona said calmly. "I merely provided the answer to your question."

"Couldn't she have just asked him?" Sakura said darkly, and suddenly it felt like Rias was about to tread on a landmine. The purple-haired girl's shadow seemed to twist behind her unnaturally as her companions all watched the proceedings carefully. "To turn him without his permission…"

Salvation came from an unexpected person.

"I want to join!" Issei spoke up, and everyone in the room stared at him like he'd gone insane. Under the increased scrutiny, the boy's cheeks reddened, but he forged on. "I want to join the Occult Research Club! But only if…" he trailed off, and then shouted, "Only if I get to touch Buchou's oppai and eventually fulfill my dream of becoming a harem king!"

Without a second thought, Rias blurted out, "You may touch my breasts. Once you join my peerage."

Issei instantly fistpumped, excited beyond all reason. "Sweet!"

The other humans' reactions ranged from laughter so hard it led to tears all the way to disgusted frowns. But the most extreme reaction came from the man named Archer.

The man in the red cloak and black body armour took Issei by the shoulders and started shaking him a little. "No! That is the worst dream to have! Do not go down that path! That's Hell you're walking into!"

But Issei was already gone; a perverted smile in place, he muttered to himself. "Oppai...if I join, I get to touch Buchou's oppai! My first step towards becoming a harem king!"

Archer threw up his hands in resignation and disgust. "Dear Root, the boy is done for. If you want to become a harem king so bad, then drown in your ideals and die, Hyoudou Issei!" The man snarled and officially gave up.

And that's how Rias obtained her first Pawn and most expensive Piece yet.

"I think we've answered enough questions on our end for now." Rias coughed, trying to regain control of the conversation. "Tell me, who exactly are you?"

"We are a group of human magecraft users who ended up here by accident." Rin said promptly. "We had no intention of being here, but here we are nonetheless."

"You are no ordinary magicians to repel Fallen Angels that easily." Rias said probingly, and the group of people merely shrugged as one.

"We have a way with things like this, though the Biblical Factions thing is new. Not completely, but then again we're...a bit out of touch."

Kiba nodded from his spot behind Rias. "That would make sense. They must come from a more hermetic school of magic."

"She's right," Archer said, having calmed down from his earlier outburst. "We Magi can be quite out of touch in some cases; why, there's quite a story about Rin and a Blu-Ray machine…"

"Like HELL you're going to tell them!" was the last thing Archer heard before Rin's fist smashed all the air out of his lungs with Reinforced strength.

Kiba laughed and noted that they avoided saying anything else about their capabilities.

By the time they finished the tea it was already quite late, and the Magi started digging through their wallets for funds to go out and snag a few hotel rooms.

They almost immediately ran into problems.

"Do you mean to tell me," Gil said, half in disbelief as he stared at the thin wallet in Rin's hands, "that the purse in your hands is all the wealth you possess in the world? That's...incredibly sad. It is so sorrowful that it brings tears to my eyes! Is that what they call poverty?"

Rin felt the burning anger welling up in her and tried to suppress the raging blush on her face. "Yes, I know! But it's not like gem magecraft is cheap! Now do you want to sleep in a proper bed tonight or not? It's not like you can just use a gold bar to buy a hotel room!"

Shirou made placating motions with his hands, clearly trying to appease her. "T-Tohsaka… maybe this isn't the best place—"

"Oh hell no! I'm gonna—"

"N-nee-san...please remember who you're trying to throttle…" Sakura murmured, exchanging wry glances with Rider. "He may be a kid, but…"

"I don't care if he's the embodiment of original sin himself! Lemme at him!"

"Excuse me," Rias spoke up from her seat as they turned to her. "But could it be that you don't have a place to stay for the night? If so, I would be happy to offer you my home for all of you."

"Oh, we couldn't possibly impose." Sakura said as she draped her jacket over the sleeping Illya on Kuzuki's back. "There are so many of us, after all."

"No, no! It's quite alright. I have more than enough space to accommodate everyone, and it's certainly far too late to find a place of lodging." Rias stood from her seat. "Besides, it's not quite safe out there if you're not quite certain on the situation."

There was quite a bit of rapid discussion before Rin smiled. "Thank you. We appreciate you putting up with us at such short notice."

"Oh, it's nothing," Rias said, even as she calculated in her head the amount of food she'll need to stock up on for such an influx of guests. Fortunately, some of them looked like they didn't need to eat much.

After all, such a petite and slender woman couldn't need that much food to keep going, right?

(Rias was going to regret that thought the next morning, but for now she was still under that beautiful delusion.)

AN: Can you tell how long I've been waiting to make that people die when they are killed joke? Not long enough, I tell ya. There are also a ton of other references in this chapter; this madness never stops.

Next Chapter: A pair of very different nuns meet. Lancer gets called a dog and summarily proceeds to be Not Pleased™, even if the one who called him that is a hot chick of a Fallen Angel. Shirou and Archer face off again with Unlimited Kitchen Works, simultaneously murdering Rias's food budget and feeding the black hole that is Saber's stomach. Raynare regrets everything she's ever done and wants out from this madhouse.