A/N: Who's a terrible person? I'm a terrible person!
This is just a quick deleted crack sequence of the alternate plan I had for Turning the Tides where Lin wasn't going to get captured on the airship because I'm stalling please don't hurt me.
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How to Piss Off Your Traveling Companions
A Guide by Tenzin
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Tides was gone. Tides had leapt onto the airships and bought them time to escape and Lin was going to hunt her down and kick her ass as soon as the chi block wore off. Lin rued the day ze had the Elite taught that skill.
(All the Kyoshi Warriors could chi block and fuck them if they thought they could know something zir Elite couldn't)
(But also fuck Tides for using it on zir)
It was tense. It was quiet. It was inevitable that Tenzin would ruin everything.
"How about a joke?"
"Airhead, I swear on my father's grave–"
"I wanna hear a joke!" Ikki squealed happily.
Lin took it back. Ze was keeping the ten and up rule.
"It's one my father taught me," Tenzin said. Oh no. "One day, a man was driving down the road when his car broke down in front of a monastery." Oh spirits no. "The monks who lived there invited him inside and fed him and clothed him and told him he was welcome to stay the night until the tow company arrived the next day."
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiii–
"This isn't funny."
"Patience, Meelo."
Lin began looking for an escape.
"The man accepted, but during the night he heard a strange noise. Not threatening, simply odd. So the next morning, he asked the monks who'd housed him what the strange sound he'd heard was, and the monks replied, 'we cannot tell you, as you are not a monk'. The man said 'fair enough' and went on his way."
"This is taking too long."
If we could just pass by a mountain or something….
"Patience." Pema patted her child's head soothingly. "Go on, Tenzin."
"Thank you, Pema. Anyway, a year later, he was driving down the road again and his car broke down in front of the same monastery, and the monks there once more offered him food and shelter until the towing company arrived."
We're too high up to jump.
"And once again, he heard the strange sound. So the next day, he asked what it was and the monks told him, 'we still can't tell you, you're not a monk', and the man asked 'well, what must I do to become a monk?'"
Maybe if I say I need a bathroom break I can escape through a tunnel when we land.
"I have to pee."
"Lin, we're almost there, you'll be fine. Now where was I? Ah, yes. So the monks told the man – and this isn't accurate, children, this is just for the sake of the story – that to become a monk the man must speak with all the energies of the universe and move with the rhythms of the earth."
"Why?"
"It doesn't matter why, it's not accurate. Don't try to do this just to skip out on your training."
"That chi blocking got me all stiff, we should probably land so I can do some stretches."
"Lin, we are almost there," Tenzin ground out. Lin looked to Pema. The woman seemed to be getting tired of the story as well.
Control your husband, ze mouthed to her, but Pema simply made a face and encouraged Tenzin to go on. I will end you.
"So, the man left and traveled the world, meditating and fasting and studying for many many years until he returned to the monastery, old and wise and still brimming with curiosity. 'I have conversed with the universe,' he told the monks. 'I have traveled and learned and I have glimpsed eternity. I am a monk. Please tell me, what was the sound I heard so long ago?' And the monks said, 'as you are now one of us, we will show you', and they took him to a cellar and showed him a wooden door, but when he went to open it, it was locked."
Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up
"And he said to the monks, 'very funny, please give me the key', and they did, but when he opened the door, behind it was another door made of stone, so he went to open it, but it, too, was locked. The monks handed him the key, and behind that door was a door made of bamboo, but when he went to open it, it was also locked. The monks handed him the key, and behind the bamboo door was a door made of gold."
But how bad would I get hurt if I just jumped off? Could I just abandon these people, these children, to the risk of Equalists?
"–behind the platinum door was a door of silver–"
Yes, yes I could. Lin made to climb over the saddle, but Pema grabbed zir arm and dragged zir back down. Were it not for Lin's armor, Pema's nails would have broken skin. Non-aggression my ass.
"–behind the copper door was–"
This is it. This is how I die.
"–and behind that door, a door made of–"
Thirty minutes later….
The children were cranky, Lin was cranky, Pema was borderline homicidal, and Tenzin was still talking.
"–and behind the door of… clay was a door made of… of… uh… hmm… did I already say iron?"
"JUST GET TO THE PUNCHLINE ALREADY!" Pema screamed, looking about two seconds from climbing to the bison's head and tossing Tenzin off.
Tenzin looked back at them, wide-eyed. "Of-of course, Pema, honey. Mother of my children. Love of my life."
"The. Punchline. Tenzin."
Tenzin coughed. "Yes, the punchline. Um, so, the man came to the door of clay, and the monks with him said 'behind this door, is the source of your curiosity; behind this door, you will finally know the truth', so the man put the final key in the final door and opened it, and he was amazed. At last, he knew, at last, he understood! It all made sense! It had finally become clear!"
And that was when the Equalists attacked.
They put up a good fight, but with children and non-combatants to protect, it was only a matter of time before they were overwhelmed. They were taken into seperate rooms and interrogated before getting herded into a cell and shackled to the wall in platinum.
Lin looked at the people around zir, the terror and dirt and bruises that painted their faces. How would they get out of this? They had to get out of this.
"So what was the noise?"
Huh?
Pema turned to her husband, beaten and chained and barely conscious, and asked him again; "From the joke, behind all the doors, what was the noise?"
Lin had no idea what the woman was thinking. Perhaps she wanted a distraction? Or she was trying to keep Tenzin awake? Maybe she was just really really curious?
This was not going to end well.
Lin watched as Tenzin studied his family, his daughters and eldest son flush against the wall as the adults were, Pema huddled around their newborn baby in a corner farthest from them, and hoped they would all be strong enough to make it out alive.
"What was the noise, Tenzin?"
Spirits, did ze hope they made it out alive.
"…I can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Rohan was gently swaddled and placed on the ground.
"TENZIN YOU–"
Elsewhere….
"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Equalist lackey number one, "What'd you think that is?"
Equalist lackey number two, "Someone else's problem."
"I like the way you think."
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A/N: I'm sorry I'm so so sorry.
I did not come up with the joke and I have no idea who did but just know I am not that clever and that the joke is a great way to get punched in the face.
This is not canon for this story. The rest of this A/N, however, is canon.
Quick breakdown of the characters' identities:
Mako - cisgender, he/him, asexual/aromantic
Bolin - transgender, he/him, pansexual/panromantic
Asami - cisgender, she/her, bisexual/biromantic
Lin - non-binary, ze/zir, bisexual/aromantic
Korra - cisgender, she/her, questioning/never really thought about it before
Tenzin - cisgender, he/him, demisexual/heteroromantic
Pema - cisgender, she/her, heterosexual/heteroromantic
Wu - gender fluid, usually he/him sometimes ze/zir, questioning/panromantic
Iroh II - cisgender, he/him, bisexual/heteroromantic