Jackson

It had been a little inconvenient and slightly stupid, choosing Saturday. He had the wedding and had to write a speech, but he didn't want to stretch this out. A dark thought occurred to him and even he had to laugh: Is there ever a convenient time to schedule a divorce? The sooner it was over with, the sooner they both can move forward, move on.

He had a plan. They were going to meet at the lawyer's office at 10am and the wedding wouldn't start until 1pm. Plenty of time. It wasn't lost to Jackson that focusing on the logistics was easier than focusing on the reality of the situation. He set out the wedding tux and his divorce suit next to each other. If there was ever an example of irony, it was this. It seemed wrong to have them next to each other. He hid the divorce suit in the closet so he didn't have to look at it anymore.

Jackson had been staying at a hotel for two weeks now. He had been putting off getting a permanent place. Every time his realtor emailed him a new showing, he felt the strong need to throw up. That felt a little too…final, which was misguided since they were signing the papers tomorrow. In their divorce agreement, Jackson had let April take the apartment, which he had taken some convincing. She had made it clear that she didn't want anything from him. But he could afford to live anywhere and wanted to give her this, at least. Jackson thought about that old apartment. It held the most important moments of his life, the best and the worst. Their first months as secret newlyweds, finding out that they were pregnant, building the nursery, crying to sleep together, crying to sleep alone. They had all been there. He was leaving behind such a huge part of his life, but that doesn't mean he was ready to start a new one.

Jackson sat down at the desk and reread all the paperwork to make sure that he had everything that he needed for tomorrow. On top of the pile was a schedule for tomorrow's preceding.

It was funny how their wedding wasn't something they planned at all, besides a few phone calls on road and yet their divorce was scheduled down to the minute.

10am: Review documents

10:30am: Discuss any disputes

10:45am: Sign documents

11am: End meeting.

His lawyer had sent over the "official" schedule earlier that week. Jackson thought the lawyer was a complete idiot, but his mother had insisted he was one of the best that money could buy. Their first meeting hadn't gone well at all.

"Your post-nuptial agreement from your mother's lawyer is air-tight, which is very very good. She won't be getting any significant amount of your money or your family's money," The lawyer laughed. The damn bastard had laughed. Jackson almost fired him on the spot, but starting the whole process over again was something Jackson couldn't fathom.

Jackson couldn't help but remember the day they signed the postnup. His mother had pummeled into town, the force of nature that she was, and decidedly burst the cozy marriage bubble that April and Jackson were enjoying. But it was a non-issue, April never wanted any of Jackson's money. Hell, she still couponed even when he had seven figures in their bank account. His stomach twisted, when he remembered April's words from that day.

"I don't want your money. I want you. A pre-nup or whatever the hell it is, is only for if we get divorced, which were not going to do"

Hindsight was a real bitch. I love her. She's the one, he had confidently told his mother. And he had truly believed that with all his heart. However, Jackson knew those were different people. Those were the before-April-and-Jackson. They lived in a time before Samuel died in their arms, before Jordan, before the years of hurting each other at every damn turn.

Sometimes, late at night when he couldn't sleep, Jackson would picture how their lives look in another universe, a universe where Samuel hadn't died. Would they be a happy family, taking Samuel to the park and pre-school? Would they live in a big house down by the marina where April could raise ducks? Would they have another one on the way? She always wanted a big family.

However, those thoughts never saw the light of day. Those were the thoughts that creep in when you are half-asleep without reason or reality to stop you. But morning always came and Jackson had to accept that they weren't in that universe, even if he wished with all his might that they were.

No. They were where they were and they had to live with it.

He picked up his phone mindlessly. He scrolled through his messages. He stopped at her name, she was further down since they hadn't been speaking. The last time they had texted each other was before she had been served the papers.

AK: Hey. You coming by tonight?

JA: I can't. Skull fracture, probably be here until late.

AK: Ok. good luck. I love you.

He hadn't responded. He hadn't said thank you or good night or I love you, too. He remembers feeling annoyed and suffocated. All her kindness and affection just made him angry, because it was too late. She got the papers the next day and the rest was history.

He stood there, staring at his phone. He wanted to call her so badly, it hurt. He wanted one last...something. He threw his phone across the room. No good would come from any of that. He went downstairs to the hotel bar to get a very large glass of bourbon.

April

It was the early days of their elopement. They hadn't told anyone yet, but they were newlyweds in-love and wanted to act like it. So, they would drive an hour to Bellevue to a small dingy, but no less delicious Italian restaurant, where they would kiss, eat, and be very very merry. On this particular Wednesday night, there was old band playing Frank Sinatra covers. April somehow had convinced Jackson to dance. He had put up a fight at first, but soon he was spinning and dipping her as they laughed together. A slow song began to play and Jackson pulled her in close. She sighed.

'I never thought I could love someone this much, Jackson.'

'Who the pianist? Me too. He's dreamy,' She hit him playfully.

'Hey. I love you' he whispered in her ear, shivers spread through her whole body.

'Hey. I love you, too' she smiled into his chest.

He lifted her chin and kissed her softly on the lips. He was so very hers and she was his and this is all she had ever wanted.

"Hey…. April. Hello? Is anybody in there?" Suddenly, Arizona was in front of her, snapping her fingers in front of April's face.

"God… Yes! What?" April snapped.

"Hey. Snarkypants. I am not the enemy," Arizona held up her hands in surrender.

"I'm sorry. Sorry. I just…" She shrugged, not able to articulate the thought.

"Why don't you go home? I'll come over, Callie can take Sofia and we can watch movies and pig out. Then tomorrow we drink until our eyes cross. Girls weekend, wooo!" Arizona attempted a pathetic fist pump, but dropped it when she saw April's expression.

"I... I'm swamped tonight. I can't" April started to walk away, but Arizona followed her.

"Okay. Okay. But hey, listen here. Tomorrow. I am coming over even if I have to break down the door." She waited for a response.

"Okay" April nodded.

"Good. And I am going to bring lots and lots of booze." This caused April to finally smile. Arizona continued, "April? Make sure you take care of yourself today. Not just everyone else."

With that, Arizona left April to her ER.

After three consecutive MVC's, April was shocked to see that it was after 2am. The day was long and she spent every minute running around. She was exhausted, too tired to even make it home. She found an open on-call room and decided to try and sleep for a few hours. Tomorrow was the big day. She pondered what people did on the eve of divorces. Drink? Cry? She tried to picture what Jackson was doing. She had seen him in the cafeteria, earlier that day. He was sitting with Karev and Warren, talking. And she felt nothing. Not hurt or longing or anger.

As she lay in the uncomfortable bed, April Kepner was surprised that for once in her life, her mind was completely blank. She wasn't making lists or planning her next steps or thinking about the people around her. Life kept moving forward and she was just in auto drive. Maybe she had used up all her tears for one lifetime. Maybe this was how she lived now. It would be a welcome change. She had always been the girl that was just about too much for everyone around her. April knew she was not that annoying naive girl anymore, she had been through too much. But that she didn't mean she know who she was, because she sure as hell wasn't a wife or a mother.

April realized that she had subconsciously picked their on-call room. The on-call room where April and Jackson had spent their early days when they couldn't keep their hands off each other. The on-call room where they would sneak off to when they were hiding their marriage. The on-call room where they had spent so many nights entwined together.

She sat up in the dark room. April had to accept that she wasn't going to get any sleep in this room tonight. Feeling restless, she opened the door and walked straight into Deluca, the intern, whose armful of supplies went flying down the hallway.

"Oh my god. I am so sorry," April bent down to help pick up everything.

"No no no. My fault. Sorry, Dr. Kepner" He realized that finding all the loose debris was a losing battle.

"Here, I'll help you restock," she makes her way towards the supply closet.

"Oh no, you don't have to do that,"

"It's okay. I don't have anything better to do," they walked in silence for a few seconds. "Graveyard shift?" April asked as they reached the closet.

"Yeah. Third one this week. I don't think Webber is fond of me," Deluca mumbled. They began making a new pile of supplies.

"I don't know about that. But everyone has to do graveyard shifts, it is part of being an intern. I remember my intern year, we would play games like capture the flag when it got slow, just to stay alert," She smiled at the memory. It was Charles's idea at first, hide a hospital gown or scrub top, whoever found it had to run it to the locker room without being caught. Reed always thought it was too juvenile and April would pretend she agreed even though she was longing to play. But some nights when the boredom was too much, April couldn't help herself. There was one instance, where she found the top, pretended to be dead, and had an orderly roll her to home base.

'Damn April, who knew you had it in,' Jackson laughed as he clapped her on the back. April remembered falling asleep that night, smiling that the cute intern had finally noticed her today. Of course, that was a million years ago.

She heard Deluca ask another question.

"What?"

"I asked, whether you ever won?" This caused April to laugh for the first time all day.

"You bet your ass I did."

"Well thank you and maybe I'll turn the pit into a hockey rink. See if I can't get my own game going," He picked up the supply pile and did an awkward head nod goodbye as he walked out the door, leaving April alone in the closest. She turned to leave when she realized what a mess Deluca had left the place. See this is why people hate interns, she thought to herself. Her inner clean-freak wouldn't let her leave until the supply closet was somewhat organized. She putting a bedpan away when she spots something from the corner of her eye. It wasn't large or shiny, but April felt her eyes drawn to the object. She reaches down and picks up it without thinking, it was a standard pregnancy test. How was it that something so small could hold so much weight?

April couldn't help but think back on the two occasions she had to use them. The first had been the ill-fated pregnancy scare that had sent Jackson and her retreating away from each other, too scared to deal with the depth of their feelings. The second time had been just as inopportune as the first. They had a terrible argument that caused her to stay at Callie and Arizona's house. She had picked a fight and pushed him until he cracked, she knew that. She was just so scared at how different their beliefs were. How were they going to raise a family together if they couldn't even agree on such an important part of who she was?

April had run away to her friends' house. It was there that she figured out why she was being so emotional. She was late, very late. She had been so wrapped up in married life that she hadn't put it together, not until she had seen one of Callie and Arizona's pregnancy tests bought in their excitement of trying for another kid. April remembered sitting in the bathroom for a long time, staring at the box. She finally got enough courage to use the test and after three terrifying minutes, there was no denying the plus sign. She was never the same after that moment. She became a mother. Even when Samuel died, she could never go back to who she was before. That person had died along with her son.

She grew up believing God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. God has a plan for everything and everyone. When God closes a door, he opens a window. Standing in this supply closet, April did not feel his guidance. She just felt stupid. What was the point? Why had it turned out like this?

On the day of Samuel's birth and death, April had felt that God was laughing at her, even in her grief she had felt his presence. But now, April stared at the pregnancy test and thought about all that could have been and all that she lost, she felt no presence at all

She needed to be far away from the hospital. She ran from the supplies closet only stopping to grab her keys from the attending's' lounge. As she reached her car, the sky was getting lighter in the morning dawn. She didn't even bother turning on any lights when she made it home. She walked straight into bedroom and the minute her head touched the pillow, April fell thankfully and dreamlessly asleep.