Chapter 3: The Morning Of

Jackson

Jackson was standing in front of a door. He had the intense feeling of homecoming, the feeling of having been away for far too long. He tries to turn the doorknob, but it doesn't budge. He hears laughter inside and instinctively knows its April's. Peering through the window, Jackson spots toys and a stroller in the living room. He knocks on the door, no answer. Suddenly, he is banging on the door, yelling "APRIL! APRIL PLEASE! HELLO? ANYONE? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?" With each hit, the air around him gets thinner and he can't breathe. And with each hit the laughter from inside grows louder. No one can hear him, no one cared.

Jackson sat up in his bed, his heart pounding in his chest and gnawing feeling in his gut. It was still dark out; the clock flashed 5:08am. Jackson stares up in the darkness for a few seconds until his heart rate returns to normal. This wasn't his first experience with nightmares. After the hospital shooting, Jackson had vivid dreams of Gary Clarke massacring him and everyone he knew. For months, he would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. When he was unable to fall back asleep, April would stay up and watch stupid late-night television with him until morning or until they'd both passed out on Meredith's uncomfortable couch. Those were the days when they were figuring out who they were to each without Reed and Charles. Those were the days she became his best friend.

Jackson slowly climbs out of bed. He washes his face in the hotel sink turns on the television, looking for something...anything to keep his mind busy. But the only thing on television that early in the morning are terrible morning talk shows and infomercials.

Jackson decided to go for a run, it was finally light outside and exercising would do him some good instead of lamenting for the next four and half hours. His normal route took him on a path that circled a park not too far from the hotel. The crisp air jolted him awake. He began his run and was the only one out this early in the morning.

Step. Breath. Step. Breathe. Step.

He focused on the very basic movements of his body, he wouldn't let his mind think about anything else. That was a perk of being a surgeon, they could compartmentalize with the best. He ran until his muscles burned. He ran until each breathe took effort. He ran until the whole world felt very far away.

When Jackson finally stopped, he sat down on a very old bench that overlooked the pond. It had a quote written across the front that he had never noticed.

"Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day."

—Shakespeare (Macbeth)

Jackson let his fingers rest over the gold lettering. Fitting, he thought. Life keeps moving forward. The quote was surprisingly close to something his mother had always told him. He could even hear her voice, "Child. You can cry, you can whine, you can stomp your feet, but the sun still gonna come up in the morning. So, get used to it and do something about it."

It is how he got through Samuel, it was how he got through the year without April, and it was how he was going to get through this. Just keep moving forward.

This divorce would let them move on, he repeated to himself for the millionth time. They were doing it the humane way. There were no disputes, no court, no children living in a broken home. It was a clean break. The opposite of his parent's divorce. Jackson thought about how ugly everything got between them. He was seven when his parents split up. They weren't even speaking to each other at that time. The only interactions were late night phone-calls where they fight and yell at each other when they thought Jackson was asleep. They fought on everything. They fought on spousal support, on where Jackson was going to live, on who got to keep the damn cat. They hated each other and Jackson remembers feeling like he was being split in half. They even made him testify in court on who he would rather live with. He chose his mother, who was a much more prominent figure in his life.

However, there was one instance, where his father picked him up early from school with a suitcase and told them they were going on a trip together. They flew from Boston to San Francisco and stayed in a hotel room for a few days. Jackson loved it until his mother woke him up in the middle of night and took him away. What he didn't know until later was that his father hadn't told his mother about the trip. He never saw his mother so furious before in his life. After she brought Jackson home, it was the first and only time he ever saw his mother cry. Jackson's father slowly left the picture, popping up for the occasional holiday until he stopped showing up at all. That was when his grandfather, Harper Avery, took a much more serious interest in Jackson.

Jackson was nineteen years old when his father died while drunk driving. The bastard had wrapped his car around a pole, luckily not hurting anyone else in the process. At the time of his father's death, Jackson hadn't talked to him in over two years.

When April had that first pregnancy scare in the beginning, a million things ran through his head. He was young, they were in an undefined relationship, he had his whole career ahead of him and so did she. But he knew that he was never going to let his kids feel the pain of growing up without a father. He would be there through thick and thin. He would take care and protect his family and the people that he loved.

Jackson had always known that April was going to make a great mother. He knew that way before they were anything more than just friends. She brought homemade cookies to work, she knitted scarves for Christmas, and she seemed to know every Disney song by heart. There was one point after the plane crash, he and April along with a resistant Karev had to babysit Zola and Sofia for several days while their parents dealt with the fallout. Everyone was in shock and on edge. Jackson and April hadn't spoken about their hook-up since the locker room talk. But he remembers watching her play with the girls. She planned a grand tea party with all of Sofia and Zola's stuffed animals as well as Jackson and Karev in attendance. The girls were laughing and playing, not scared of the seismic shift happening with their parents, they were just being kids. He had looked at April and thought, she will be an amazing mother. The thought scared the shit out of him, mostly because when he pictured it, he was there with her.

Later, when they found out they were pregnant with Samuel, he was so scared about being a good father. He didn't have anyone to compare it too. He read every book and researched articles and videos online. Those were the days he wished that Sloane was alive so he could have someone to talk about it too. Of course, Jackson had no idea that being a good father would be the least of his worries when his child has a fatal incurable birth defect.

They both carried the gene. It was their fault what happened to Samuel. If April finds someone else, someone who isn't a carrier then they could have a boatload of healthy kids. He tried to picture it: April with a vague, faceless husband and three or four kids running around. The thought of April having a family without him hurt so much, he had to shut his eyes to stop himself from crying. He took three deep breathes. This was for the best. This was for the best. This was for the best.

He checked his watch, it was almost 8am. He got up from the bench and made his way back to his apartment. He had set everything out the night before so all he had to do was shower. Simple things like tying his shoes and buttoning his shirt took effort. He had no appetite. He was a mess. His phone already had six missed calls from his mother which he simply ignored. There was no way he was opening that can of worms today.

He drove to his lawyer's office; he was very early. He sat in the car with the windows down and the seat back, listening to sports radio. It wasn't even 10am yet and he was in desperate need of a drink. He was contemplating the time it takes for him to go buy a handle of whiskey and get back in time, when he saw his lawyer pull up in his red Mercedes Benz.

"Today is the day!" The lawyer cheerfully yelled across the parking lot. God, he's the worst, Jackson thought. This was going to be a very long day. They walked into the office and a few minutes later, April's lawyer enters alone. It was 10:08am, it wasn't like April to be late. He was always the late one, the messy one, the one who loses his keys. The lawyers engage in asinine small talk that Jackson can't be bothered to listen or respond. He stares at the door. It was a confusing feeling, needing April to walk through the doors so they could get this over with and dreading the moment she does.

When the door finally opens, Jackson takes a very large breath. He repeats the mantra once more: keep moving forward.

April

April wakes up in a daze, the kind where you aren't sure where you are or even who you are. She had been in such a deep sleep, she felt like should could have been asleep for days. The clock on her bedroom table flashes 7:36am. She had something to do today, something important. Of course, it finally hits her. The whole year floods her, Samuel, Jordan, Jackson leaving, the divorce. April is overwhelmed with emotion and something else… she runs to the bathroom, just making it to the toilet before she vomits. She chalks the nausea up to nerves and rinses her mouth out into the sink. She stares at her reflection, she looks exhausted.

She turns on the shower and waits for the water to heat up. April had been too tired to even change out of scrubs last night. As she stripes down, April feels something in her pocket. She pulls out a small plastic object, the pregnancy test from the supplies closet. She must have subconsciously put it in her pocket when she left the hospital last night. Just another thing from the universe to throw at her today. Without a second thought, she tosses it in the trash and enters the shower.

She turns the water to hot until the whole room fills with steam. April stands underneath the stream, trying to let it wash away all the terrible thoughts that came over her last night. If she let those thoughts back in today, she was never going to make through the day. She had to accept it. There is no Jackson, there is no God, she was alone. Being a doctor and saving lives, that could be enough for her. The sooner she accepted it, the sooner life would move forward.

She steps out of the shower and pulls out her hair dryer from underneath the sink. What a stupid tradition, having to dress up for your own divorce. She finishes straightening her hair and applying her makeup, but her eyes keep finding that that stupid pregnancy test on top of the trash. Why had she brought it home? She has no memory of putting in her pocket or feeling it when she went to bed. But there it was, she felt like it was mocking her. She picks it out of the bathroom trash intent on throwing it away in the kitchen so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore. Enough. She was going to stop thinking and looking at that damn test. She only makes it to her bedroom, stopped by a memory.

One minute ago, they were screaming at each other and throwing fortune cookies. Now, they were drawn to each other like magnets. Their kiss had open up a floodgate and there was a need that they couldn't ignore. Her whole body was on fire. She had missed him, his smell, his touch. She would have had him right there on the kitchen counter, but he carried her into the bedroom. She pulled him on top of her, feeling his pressure. She needed him inside her. He stopped kissing her. Just for second, but it felt like eternity and just looked at her. April had no idea what he was thinking, she reached up and stroked his face. He kissed her again softly this time. They were one again, no longer separate beings.

She shakes her head. No, what she is thinking is impossible. She was just looking for any excuse to stop this day. She was just emotional and sad...and nauseous...and late. No, no no no no no. She can't. She can't be. Women skip periods when they are going through emotional trauma all the time. It was a normal health phenomenon; she would know. So why can't she just let this go? In an hour, she has to walk into that lawyer's office and say goodbye to the love of her life. And all she could think about was this damn test.

She needed to know, one way or another.

On the floor of the bathroom, April waited. Three minutes to be exact. She wasn't sure what she was feeling or thinking or doing. What was she expecting, she finds out she is pregnant and everything magically fixes itself? And what if the test is negative? Could her heart take that disappointment? Wait, that thought surprised her... would it be a disappointment or a relief?

Two minutes. If she was pregnant, it would be the most inconvenient time in the world to discover. The day of her divorce, when Jackson and her weren't even speaking. Everything was falling apart, including herself. She was a mess. She wasn't even sure she could handle a baby right now. A baby. A baby with Jackson's eyes and kind smile.

One minute. Warmth spread through her whole body. It would be the most beautiful thing. Suddenly, she knows. She picks up the test to make sure, but she is already certain at what is staring back at her; the pink plus. Tears are streaming down her face and she's laughing. She was happy, so so happy. She had lost all hope. She had cursed God, mocked him, and even questioned his existence. Yet, he had given her this miracle. A baby, that was a little Jackson and little of her and something all itself

Jackson. Her joy diminishes as her stomach drops. She has to tell him. She wants to tell him. God, she wants to tell him, but something in the back of her mind is stopping her.

It's a memory.

"Don't you see? This is what you do. You just decide how things are going to go."

"I am not the one deciding!"

"OF COURSE YOU'RE THE ONE DECIDING! April, you are always deciding. You decide to go to Jordan. You decide to leave. You decide to stay. You decide you need me then you decide you don't. You decide we can talk, you decide we cannot."

April knew what would happen if she told him, he wouldn't go through with the divorce. Could she really be with a man who she forced to stay? Is that what was best for him or her? Jackson was a good man and he would put everything aside for this baby, even if that isn't what he really wanted. She was not going to complicate this divorce any more than she already had. She was not going to force him to stay with her. She needed time.

Everything from getting dressed to driving to the lawyer's office happened in a haze. She was on time, a few minutes early even. Yet as she stands outside the large wooden door and reaches for the doorknob, she stops abruptly. It is suddenly very real. She has to face him. She has to sit across from him while a few pieces of paper demolish the last four years of her life. She begins to pace back and forth down the hallway. What if he can see it on her face? What if she blurts it out in the middle of the signing? April stands in front of the door and takes a few deep breathes. I will get through this. I will not cry. I will get through this. For the first time, April knew she would. After all, she wasn't alone anymore.