A/N: OMG ya'lls responses to the last chapter were so sweet and kind! I thrive on each and every one of your reviews and it's literally the greatest joy in my life right now lol is that sad? I know it's been sort of an emotional roller-coaster lately…with more plummets than hills…BUT! Soon there will be MUCH happiness! I promise! I split the next chapter into two cuz I don't wanna overwhelm ya'll with like 10,000K chapters XD
ALSO! Thank you TiffyTaffy0409 for the helpful suggestion to listen to 'Can You Hold Me' by NF. Lyrics were really inspiring and did capture the frustration between Kagome and Inuyasha!
ALSO AGAIN! do ya'll even read these? XD
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Chapter forty-eight: Can You Hold Me
The flight to Seattle, Washington was scheduled to take a little over six hours, of which two had already gone by. Currently, warm inside the private first-class cocoon, Kagome had just woken from a peaceful nap. Saying goodbye to her family and friends had been emotionally taxing, especially when Shippou begged to join her with fears of prolonged separation. For all intents and purposes, he was her son now. There had been tears shed and extended hugs, but eventually Kagome was called to board the massive airplane as a first-class passenger. Dressed in a pair of black leggings and a white sweater, she chanced one final look at her family before disappearing in the tunnel that connected to the aircraft. Kagome was still reluctant to believe the treatment facility would do much to turn her life around, but was at a loss for other feasible avenues that would help her recover.
Located on the Island of San Juan, which was only a short ferry-ride from the mainland, was a 64-acre farm that had been converted into a private rehabilitation center. It was prestigious and came highly recommended, for those who could afford it. In her father's mind, no price was too high if it meant helping Kagome rekindle what had been stolen from her. As she stared out the window, staring at the clouds below them, Kagome allowed her weary mind to wander.
"Ma'am, is there anything I can get for you?" A handsome flight attendant stood beside Kagome's luxurious seat, looking quite dapper in his clean-pressed uniform. Kagome offered a polite smile and shook her head, hoping to be left alone for the duration of the flight. She just didn't have the energy to be cordial and generous with total strangers. As he walked away, she sat forward to rummage through the contents of her carry-on bag. There were books and a small tablet for entertainment, and then something that wasn't expected.
"Huh?" Kagome quirked a curious brow as she pulled a plain CD case out of the bag and read what had been written on the front with sharpie. 'Listen when you're ready. I'll wait.' It was Inuyasha's illegible chicken-scratch handwriting, and inside was a blank CD with some unknown message he intended her to hear. Kagome stared down at the disk accusingly, unsure how to feel about the gesture. This time was meant to be an escape from her troubles, and Inuyasha was still a major source of pain and confusion. "I'm not ready." She muttered under her breath before shoving the case to the bottom of the sack.
The Clearing was nothing like Kagome expected it to be. It was surrounded by forests and open waters that were home to gorgeous wildlife. The sound of farm animals created a peaceful background, and the smell of pine permeated the air. It was nothing like Kagome had ever seen before. The facility operated with the goal of not only healing addiction, but acknowledging the causes and reasons behind it in an individualized, holistic approach. With only ten residents allowed at a time, Kagome had been invited to join nine others who were struggling with their own addictions and issues. They all met on the ferry, each person unique and interesting in their own way, but all with the same hopeless expressions in their haunted eyes. The oldest resident was a forty-five-year-old Hispanic man who was troubled with alcoholism and PTSD from his military service. Another woman suffered from chronic anorexia and depression. Kagome felt empathy towards the others, knowing that they were the only ones who might possibly understand the kind of pain she felt.
Each resident was given a private bedroom, accommodated with beautiful furniture and scenic views to calm the mind. Unfortunately, cell-phones and personal computers were confiscated upon arrival; in the name of protecting privacy and eliminating distractions. There were no televisions or radios either; it was jarring for many of the residents. Contact with the outside world would have to wait until the evenings, when they could check out a facility approved laptop or phone to speak and converse with loved ones. Their luggage was thoroughly searched for contraband items, such as drugs or alcohol; it was beginning to feel like they'd just entered the most beautiful prison on Earth.
Kagome was accustomed to living by a set schedule now, though this was vastly different than the routine Miss Jane had subjected her to. Their days began at seven-thirty in the morning, which comprised of Yoga or meditation and a light breakfast. Then from nine until one in the afternoon, they helped maintain the farm by feeding animals, repairing fences, and all the things necessary to keep it functional. The busy work was good for the mind and body, teaching valuable lessons such as teamwork and following through with one's responsibilities. Kagome did enjoy handling the animals, especially the cows and goats.
After an hour's break to enjoy a healthy lunch, always prepared by the on-hand chef with organic and local produce, the ten residents were then sent to group therapy until six in the evening. Individual sessions occurred every Tuesday and Thursday, and were the most laborious and irritating part of Kagome's week. Dinner was served at six, then the residents were released to enjoy free-time until ten. Curfew was strictly adhered too. The intent for the rigorous itinerary was to provide structure and continuity for the recovering residents; but Kagome just felt like her life would never be in her own control again.
At least, on Sundays, they had the entire day to themselves for private personal time or family visits in the afternoon. Though her family asked to fly up and visit, Kagome declined their generous offers each time. She felt that daily emails and nightly phone calls were sufficient to stay in touch with those concerned for her; though Inuyasha's emails went unopened and unanswered. She saw in the subject box various declarations of loyalty and affection, but it'd only been two weeks. Any day now, he would lose interest and move on.
It was sad to say that Kagome's progress was far slower than the others, who had settled into the routine and found clarity and content from the predictability of it all. In group therapy sessions, as they all came to various revelations and epiphanies, Kagome remained silent and bitter in her corner of the circle. Attempts to pull her into conversations were met with the silent treatment or one word answers. Why were the others able to let go of their anger and resentment so easily? What made her so broken that it seemed impossible?
"Kagome, it's been almost an hour and you haven't said a word. What are you feeling right now?" An even-toned woman, seated across from Kagome, leaned forward in her wicker chair with concern and interest. They were sitting on the porch of the main building, enjoying a beautiful day with only the sounds of wilderness to listen to. The cool air was crisp and carried the scent of pine and saltwater. It was an experience that people usually found clarity in, but Kagome merely dug in her heels at the idea.
Kagome was sitting back in her own wicker chair, left leg bent in front of her chest, and arms folded defensively. Her jaw fixed stubbornly as she stared out at the tree-line miles away. Horses were running in the fields, and she saw a large bird flying overhead. The therapist's question went unanswered. "Kagome, I am here to help you come to terms with what happened. The healing cannot begin until you acknowledge what is making you, clearly, so upset and bitter."
Unable to take one more second of the woman's condescending tone, Kagome finally let out an aggravated growl and shook her head. Her knee bounced incessantly as she tapped her right hell against the wooden floorboards, wanting nothing more than to run away.
"I don't want to acknowledge it. Don't you get that?" She snapped rudely, pulling a face that begged the question if her therapist was really that stupid. The other woman remained quiet, realizing that some sort of breakthrough could be unfolding in front of her.
"I don't want to talk about what happened! Talking about it doesn't help and won't undo it! Nothing is going to make me forget what they did to me!" Her face broke into a troubled expression, voice rising higher and higher in volume with each sentence. Kagome was visibly upset as well, with her hands clenching into tight fists and body hunching forward as if in pain. "I can't stop being mad! I don't want to!" Finally, an honest response.
"Kagome, the point of this isn't to make you forget what happened. You are here to learn how to cope with it and to stop giving the past control over your life now. You say that you don't want to get rid of your anger; why is that? Anger is a heavy burden that only gets heavier with time. It will change who you are at the very core." She watched as Kagome's blue eyes suddenly lifted towards the ceiling above them, trying to prevent tears from spilling over as she caught her ragged breath.
"I'm not ever gonna be who I was before. Everyone wants me to go back to how I was and it makes me want to scream! I want to punch them and slap them and hurt them until they feel as badly as I do." Kagome words were cut short as a sudden cry ripped out of her throat painfully, starting a chain-reaction of uncontrolled sobs. Like a flood-gate opening, the tears and emotions she'd been holding onto came out in a powerful force. The therapist waited patiently for Kagome to calm down some, having placed a box of tissues near her as she cried.
"Have you told your family and friends these things?" She asked calmly, answered by a gentle shake of Kagome's head. The young girl blew her congested nose into a tissue, though the tears were still falling freely. "And why is that?"
"I don't know." Kagome mumbled softly behind the tissue, eyes shut and refusing to look at the therapist directly.
"Is it because you're might be trying to protect their feelings? Are you worried that by telling them these things, it could potentially hurt them or cause them to be disappointed in you?" A few moments went by as Kagome considered the wise woman's suggestions, somewhat ashamed at how concise they were. Eventually, she nodded in agreement.
"I don't know how to tell them…I feel so much pressure to just 'get over it' and 'move on'. But everything scares me, everything reminds of what happened. I am scared all the time. I-I can't stand to be touched or looked at." Speaking was becoming difficult as Kagome tried to keep her voice and words intelligible. Where was all this coming from? The therapist nodded in understanding and folded her hands together.
"Kagome, I will help you to not feel scared anymore. I will help you find the words to tell your family. It is not your responsibility to protect their feelings, not when it gets in the way of your healing process. But, you also have to trust that they love you enough to listen and respect you. All they want is for you to get better, and I'm sure that means they'd be willing to adjust their actions and behavior if it will help." A few silent minutes went by as Kagome cried a few more tears, going over things in her mind that had been brought to light by the older woman's words.
"Kagome, you said something I'd like to discuss further. You mentioned that people want you to 'go back to being yourself' and that you said you wouldn't. Can you elaborate on that?" She asked curiously, staying a neutral participant in the conversation to keep it grounded. Kagome took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders dismissively.
"I just…I don't want to be the old me." She admitted quietly, as if ashamed of the person she once was. "I used to be stupid and reckless and I didn't notice things I should have…I should have been smarter."
"Kagome, do you blame yourself for being abducted?" It was a sharp question that caused Kagome to bristle defensively, but only because the woman saw right through her vague explanation.
"Of course I was. I should have known better than to go back into the building alone. I should have done more to fight him off, or to get myself out of that horrible place. Why would I want to go back to being the girl who allowed herself to get kidnapped, raped, and tortured?" There was no sugar-coating it; this was the dark image Kagome had painted of her former self. The therapist didn't have much of a reaction, instead she looked down at the open file in her crossed lap.
"Quite a bit of information was gathered about you, Kagome, before you came here. I'm look at notes and pictures of you from before the abduction and I see someone who most would only hope of becoming. Look." Picking up an image of her dancing on stage, provided by Izayoi, the therapist forced Kagome to see the girl she had once been. "Look at that smile, the confidence you exuded, and the admiration people felt about you. And yet you call her stupid and weak." Kagome's head fell as she covered her eyes, feeling ashamed and confused.
"I should have done more!" She cried out again, still convinced that her capture was a result of ignorance on her part.
"Kagome, let me assure you, that there is nothing you could have done to stop those men from taking you. The people who wanted you would have tried again and again to take you; it just happened to work on their first attempt. This girl you used to be doesn't deserve such critical judgement for being powerless to stop something out of her control." The harsh tone began to fade, replaced with something almost maternal.
"Who do you want to be, Kagome? What kind of person do you want to become? What are your dreams for the future? Five years from now, what do you want to have accomplished?" The therapist allowed Kagome as much time as she needed to mull over the important questions. She had the feeling no one had broached the topic with her, and this was the first-time Kagome even considered what her future could be.
"I want to…" It was hard to finish the sentence. There were things appearing in her mind that seemed like impossible dreams. Kagome rubbed her forehead and sighed. "It doesn't matter what I want. None of its gonna happen. It can't." The therapist refused to accept such an absurd answer.
"Ignore the voice telling you 'no' or 'you can't' or 'it won't'. What do you want?" She pressed firmly. Kagome let out a short breath and seemed at a loss for words at first. Then, finally, an answer came.
"I want to dance again!" It was the first time in years that she said those words out loud. "I want to be a Prima Ballerina and be on stage and feel beautiful again." Kagome continued on, listing all the things she desperately wished and prayed for in the recesses of her mind. "I want to fall in love and marry and have children! I want to be happy and confident! I want to make my family proud! I want to raise Shippou and keep him safe! And I never, ever, want to think about Naraku or Kikyou or Charlie ever again!" Kagome doubled over in her seat, hugging herself as tightly as possible. She worried that those wishes and dreams could never come true, and saying them out loud was terrifying. A smile stretched across the therapist's face as she nodded approvingly.
"Good job, Kagome. That was an amazing breakthrough. I'm so proud of you." Standing up, she crossed the space between them and sat on the arm of Kagome's chair. "You can have all of those things, Kagome." A gentle hand was placed on the girl's back. "Let's start building up the person you just described. We can take what was good about this girl," She leaned forward to tuck the picture into Kagome's trembling hand. "and combine it with the strength and knowledge of the person you are now. You don't have to go back to who you were, but you don't have to stay the person you are now."
"Oh! Look! Kagome's calling! AH!" Izayoi had been sitting in the living room with her husband and son, watching some dramatic television show, when her phone lit up with a familiar number. Both men hadn't been paying much attention to the TV, each lost in their own thoughts or close to falling asleep, when Izayoi startled them with her excited voice. Everyone crowded onto one couch together, eager to speak with Kagome after going a few days without a phone call.
"Hello? Kagome?" Izayoi asked as she held the phone flat between all three of them. It was put on speaker-mode, and instantly Kagome's voice responded.
"Mom? Hi! I'm so sorry I haven't called in a few days. Things got kinda crazy and I've been too tired to stay up past dinner. How is everyone? Who's all there?" There was a brightness to Kagome's voice that almost sounded like her past self. Inu-Taisho smiled as he listened, as did Inuyasha.
"It's just me, your dad, and Inuyasha. Say hi, guys." She insisted, nudging their sides to participate in the conversation.
"Hi, baby. It's Dad. How are you doing over there?" He asked curiously, smiling again when a bit of laughter entered her voice.
"I'm doing really good. I learned how to ride a horse! Did mom show you the pictures?" She asked eagerly. It was the third week of Kagome's departure from them, and finally it seemed that progress was being made. They were being sent pictures of her riding horses, kayaking, and even whale watching. In all of the images sent, she had an expression of pure joy on her beautiful face.
"Yes, she did. You look well in the pictures I've seen." Inu-Taisho was cut off when his son decided it was his turn to speak. If Kagome wouldn't answer his emails, she'd have to answer him during this phone call!
"Kagome, hey it's me." He spoke warmly, taking the phone from Izayoi's hand despite her refusal to let go. He got up and went to sit on the nearest chair, smiling as Kagome finally responded.
"Hey, Inuyasha." She seemed subdued now, but not cold. "How have you been?" Encouraged by her curiosity, Inuyasha perked up and smiled like a kid in a candy store.
"I'm okay. Been writing songs and making plans for a solo tour; same-old-same-old. I miss you." It came out without intention, and quickly Inuyasha wished he could take it back. He'd slowed down on the emails in order to give her the space she needed to recover and grow. Saying something so intimate could have the opposite effect he wanted. Inu-Taisho and Izayoi exchanged looks with each other, worried what was in store for their son and daughter. It had been difficult accepting that they had dated in the past, as it'd always been assumed they considered each other brother and sister. Now that enough time had passed, it was not such an outlandish idea that the two could have feelings for each other.
"I…miss you too." She finally replied, warmth in her voice that made Inuyasha's heart soar.
"Everyone's excited for you to come back. Shippou has been marking the days all month." Inuyasha smiled to himself at the idea of picking Kagome up at the airport, taking her into his arms, and planting a hard kiss against her lips. Sadly, those hopes were dashed with her next words.
"Yeah…about that. I'm not coming home after I'm done here." There was an instant reaction from her family that had them all asking 'What?!'. Izayoi finally yanked her phone back from Inuyasha, speaking into it with a clipped tone.
"What do you mean? Kagome, we want you back home." She insisted sadly, hoping to guilt her daughter into changing her mind.
"I've been talking to Houjo. He still lives in Houston and is dancing with the ballet company there. He's invited me to come and spend time to train…I missed my chance with Juilliard and I'm just not ready to come home yet. There's still some things I've got to do before I can come back. Please, just let me do this. Just keep waiting." Touga was prepared to argue when Inuyasha suddenly took the phone back, keeping his parents at arm's length as he spoke to Kagome.
"Kagome, take however long you need. I'll take care of things here. We'll wait for you." Though Inuyasha didn't say it specifically, he was referring to their arrangement specifically. He knew Kagome realized this, and there was a gentle laugh on the other side of the phone.
"Thanks, Inuyasha. It won't be long." It felt amazing to hear her speaking with such affection and gratitude, and Inuyasha smiled to himself before tossing the phone back to his parents.
"Don't hound her, guys. She'll come back when she's ready." He explained simply and left the living room. Izayoi narrowed her eyes at her son, then returned to speaking to Kagome.
"What's she look like?" A soft voice laced with southern accents spoke to the taller figure at her right.
"She's got black hair and blue eyes. Can't miss her." His voice was deeper than it had been years ago, but there was still the natural laughter that pervaded his speech. Houjo was standing with his current dance partner, and fiancé, at baggage claim where they expected to see Kagome appearing any moment. It was August in Houston, Texas, and everyone dressed to beat the sweltering weather. This was his first reunion with Kagome, and Houjo couldn't wait to see his dearly missed friend. He was fully aware of what had happened in the past two years and was hell-bent on rekindling her beautiful spark and undeniable talent.
"There she is!" Amber, a petite ballet dancer, smiled brightly when she spotted a young woman who matched Houjo's description. Kagome was walking towards them, pushing a heavy cart loaded with suitcases and bags. She wore a white, cotton dress that hung on her delicate shoulders by thin straps. The skirt billowed and swam around her graceful legs, and on her feet were a pair of cowgirl boots that made Houjo laugh with excitement.
"Kagome!" He hollered loudly, voice booming over the noise of the baggage claim area. Heads turned towards the sound, but only one voice responded.
"Houjo! Oh my God!" Kagome's face lit up with a stunning smile as she pushed the cart faster, meeting her friend in the middle as he rushed towards her as well. There was no hesitation or reservation as Houjo took Kagome's smaller frame into a powerful hug, lifting her from the ground with a carefree spin. Kagome hugged his neck tightly, instantly reminded of all the times he had lifted her into the air and embraced her during a performance. "I missed you so much!" She whispered excitedly, heart swelling with nostalgic love for the grown man. Houjo lowered Kagome back to the floor and stepped back some, though his hands remained at her side. That crooked smile that she remembered so well hadn't changed a bit.
"I missed you too. It's great to see you again. Oh! Kagome, I want you to meet someone." Houjo turned back to extend a hand towards Amber, who was quickly approaching with a smile on her tanned face. She had bright blonde hair and warm brown eyes, which were looking at Houjo with complete love and trust. "This is my dance partner and fiancé, Amber. Amber, this is Kagome." The two women regarded each other initially, but the ice was quickly broken when Amber stepped in to give Kagome a powerful hug.
"It's so nice to meet you! Houjo has only the best things to say. I'm so glad you could come down to spend time with us!" Kagome relaxed against the other girl and returned the hug, feeling amazingly welcomed and comfortable. Amber was already giving off the vibe of being a female version of Houjo, which only served to further settle any worries Kagome might have had about the situation.
They were playing things by ear, for the time being. Houjo and Amber had just purchased a home for themselves and were all too happy to offer one of the spare bedrooms for Kagome to use during her stay. Both were the principal dancers with the Houston Ballet Company, and were more than eager to help ease Kagome back into the dancing. They knew she had been accepted into Juilliard and missed the opportunity to attend, so they would become her new teachers and mentors instead. Unconcerned with how long it might take, Houjo assured Kagome that she could stay with them as long as she wanted.
"Well, let's get gone." He stated while taking the cart by the handle. Kagome smiled appreciatively as she walked alongside Amber towards the nearest exit. "I'm cooking steak tonight, and Amber's making her baked beans and coleslaw. Kagome, you're gonna love it. She's the best cook." The three fell easily into comfortable conversation with each other; it was exactly what Kagome needed.
Houjo didn't look at her like the victim so many only saw her as. Even though friends and family meant well, it seemed as if they still treated her with kid-gloves and overwhelming sensitivity; though Kagome couldn't fault them for it. Once she returned, and they saw with their own eyes just how much she had grown, Kagome was sure her loved ones would begin to treat her as they had before.
Kagome had indeed transformed during her stay at the rehab facility, but there was the risk that If she went back now, it'd be too easy to fall into the victim-role; the girl who needed to be helped and coddled and protected from everything around her. That wasn't the life she wanted for herself, or for her family. Shippou needed to be raised by someone strong and independent, and her parents were past the time of their lives to be caring for their adult children. They had a grandchild to spoil and various adventures to go on before they became too old to enjoy such things.
And Inuyasha…she wasn't ready for that either. Her own feelings were beginning to re-emerge, and it felt unfamiliar to Kagome. She couldn't place a finger on what exactly she was feeling towards Inuyasha, but she knew it was closer to love than anything else. Though Kagome was no longer distracted by anger and resentment, she still could not trust that he was truly in love with her. He was the sort of person who needed constant affirmation and proof of being loved, or he'd go and find it somewhere else; but Kagome was not looking to re-enter that sort of relationship again. For the first time in her life, she was unapologetically living for herself and no one else. Kagome would not carry the responsibility of keeping Inuyasha loyal to her, it was a test he'd have to pass all on his own. If he could prove to have learned patience, generosity, and faithfulness, then she would keep her end of the bargain and come home to him. Until then, she would take this time to experience all the things denied her for so long.