Chapter 4: The Divorce

Jackson

His hands were shaking so noticeably he had to fold them in front of him. She entered the room and Jackson found he couldn't gain the courage to look at her. He was scared if he made eye contact, he would lose his nerve.

"I'm sorry I'm late," April stated. The room seemed to wait for Jackson to respond, but all he could manage was a nod.

"Not a problem. Let's get started, shall we?" His lawyer suggests, breaking the awkward silence. For once, Jackson didn't feel like punching him in the jaw.

"Alright, for the record, we are here to officialize the divorce of Jackson Harper Avery and April Marie Kepner, who have filed under irreconcilable differences, correct?"

Both Jackson and April nod.

"Excellent. No shared assets, no children, and of course there is a solid post-nuptial agreement in place. With nothing to contest, it is just about signing the papers."

His lawyer slides the papers to April. Jackson's heart is beating so loudly; he is barely aware of the rest of the interaction.

"The places to initial and sign are all clearly marked," His lawyer states.

"Red tabs for initials and blue tabs for signatures," April's lawyer adds.

"This is one of the simpler divorces I've seen, actually," Like a punch to the gut. Jackson raises his hand to shut him up. Simple? He doesn't know a damn thing about it.

Jackson finally looks at April, the hurt in her eyes is clear. No, nothing about this is simple. He never meant to sleep with his virgin best friend, fall in love while they date other people, elope in a whirlwind, fight about religion and children, lose Samuel, lose each other. It wasn't simple at all.

"You want this?" The question surprises him. He sits back in his chair, unsure of what she really means. He had expected tears or maybe a fight from April, today, but this was different.

"Do you really want this?" She looks at him with purpose. There was pain but also something more behind her glistening eyes.

They sit there staring at each other. What did he want? He wanted to not feel angry all the time. He wanted to stop hurting each other. He wanted April to understand her part. He wanted Samuel back. He wanted himself back.

The first-time Jackson met April, he was a 26-year-old arrogant med student, who either ignored or showed complete apathy to the annoying overeager Midwestern girl. The first-time Jackson considered April a friend was after a long night in the graveyard shift where they played juvenile games and ate Twizzlers. The first-time Jackson realized April was his best friend was a few months after the shooting when they would stay up late, while she would make him hot chocolate and talk about anything but his nightmares. The first-time Jackson considered anything more was a surprise kiss in a hotel doorway that felt way too good. The first-time Jackson knew he was in love (and hated it) was after he consoled her over the loss of a patient and wanted nothing more than to protect her, forever. The first-time Jackson knew he was in love (and knew she was in love too) was in a barn full of people who were there to see her marry another man. The first-time Jackson knew he would never love another like he loved April was when he sat in a chapel pew and prayed for the first time.

He loves her. Even in his darkest moments he loved her, but it isn't enough.

Do you really want this?

Two years, he had been waiting for her to ask him what he wanted. Two goddamn years. He had put her first for so long, he wasn't even sure he knew what he really wanted. He was too close, he needed some clarity.

I'm sorry it turned out like this. He tries to communicate. But this is how it is.

"Okay," She nods solemnly and picks up the pen.

In the medical field, people say that your life flashes before your eyes before you die. Jackson had been in two life and death experiences, the shooting and the bus explosion, and he believed that was a pile of bullshit. In the moment, he had thought of nothing but surviving. Yet, here he was in this stuffy conference room and with each flip of the page, each scratch of the pen, Jackson saw moments come and go.

"Hey, but we're still standing, right?"

"Hell yeah, we are. Me and you,"

"Me and you"

"I love you. I love everything about you, even the things I don't like, I love. And I want you with me. I love you and I think you love me too. Do you?"

"We got married. We love each other. We made vows to push through this sort of thing."

"I know, I love you, too"

"Our baby will be fine. He will be fine or she will. Because she'll have us."

"Whatever you need, I'm here."

"Did I tell it's a boy? We're having a boy..."

"Show up for her, please. Show up for April"

"It's three months. Will you at least kiss me goodbye?"

"I don't think I can be here when you come back."

"This is the worst, for better or worst. This is the mud and we just have to pull each other through it. We just have to push and we have to fight"

"I'm not sure we are worth fighting for"

"I was clear about this. My mind was made up. I knew what was best for me moving forward, no better how hard. I knew there was things we couldn't repair. I knew what I had to do. It's not clear anymore. When I look at you... When I stop thinking"

Suddenly, April was sliding over the papers. She didn't look at him and Jackson swallowed back tears.

"Is there anything else?" April manages.

"That it. No," Jackson lawyer states.

"Okay."

April begins gathering up her things. Jackson struggled with what to say. He had always been pretty terrible at goodbyes. No one ever taught him. His father left without a note or even a hug. Charles died. Mark Sloan slipped into a coma. How do you say goodbye to something this important?

The saddest part was that he felt no different. Signing those papers did not make him suddenly hate her or stop loving her or stop wishing things were different. There was no starting over. There was no clean break. This was the end and it hurt.

He had to say something, anything. I love you. I'll miss you. I'm sorry.

No words came and April was out the door.

April

"I'm sorry I'm late," April's apology is met with an awkward silence, while Jackson does nothing but stare at his hands. This is the first time they had been face to face in weeks. He looked tired. Every nerve in her body wanted to tell him about the pregnancy, but it wasn't the right time. Not yet. She drew a breath. This was going to take everything that she's got.

"Let's get started, shall we?" Jackson's lawyer asks pointedly. April hadn't even sat down before the lawyer begins again.

"For the record, we are here to officialize the divorce of Jackson Harper Avery and April Marie Kepner, who have filed under irreconcilable differences, correct?"

Jackson nods quickly and April follows his lead. The detached legal jargon irks her. Irreconcilable Differences makes her think of indifferent spouses, not anything close to what happened between Jackson and her. The lawyer continues.

"Excellent. No shared assets, no children, and of course there is a solid post-nuptial agreement in place. With nothing to contest, it is just about signing the papers."

Suddenly, the documents are in front of April and the words written in a foreign language or so it seemed. She felt like she was floating above her body, watching the whole train wreck.

"The places to initial and sign are all clearly marked," Jackson's lawyer states. Everything is moving so quickly.

"Red tabs for initials and blue tabs for signatures," Her lawyer adds. Wait. Stop. Let me think, for one goddamn second.

Her body just nods along to the instructions, while her mind screams into the void.

"This is one of the simpler divorces I've seen, actually."

The words land harshly in the silent room. April falls back to Earth, unable to carry on with her compliancy. She tears her eyes from the insensitive lawyer and looks to Jackson. He finally meets her eyes. She feels the weight of their whole relationship pass between them. The boards, the wedding, the other wedding, Samuel, Jordan. She feels each moment slip through her fingers. All the love, all the pain, all the things they both wish they could change sit before them.

Jackson Avery has been the only man she has ever really loved. He is kind and stubborn and sarcastic and wise. He takes care of the people he loves and he protects himself with walls so tough, only a select few ever get through. April loved being the woman who got past those walls, who knew who he really was. She could end this right now. She could say, "Jackson, I'm pregnant. Don't leave me" and he wouldn't. He would take her back. They would go play house, have the baby, and pretend everything was back to normal. But that is all it would be, pretend. He would resent her until he hated her and April couldn't handle that. Losing Jackson was one thing, but having him hate her was unbearable.

April feels the doubts creep in. Maybe she should just stay quiet and sign the papers so this could all be over. But April knew if she didn't try, she will regret for the rest of her life. It is now or never. With her hands in her lap, April strokes her thumb on her stomach and gains strength from within.

"You want this… Do you really want this?"

It took ten seconds, from the moment she asked the question to the moment he looked away. Time slowed down and April became very clear what was going to happen next. She saw it in his eyes and felt it in the air. The pain engulfed her. It was palpable, she could feel it spread throughout her whole body, shredding her from the inside. He couldn't love her anymore. He didn't want to be with her.

She let it swallow her for several excruciating seconds, but had to carry on. This day wasn't over yet. There was more to do.

"Okay." It was all she could muster. Her hands were shaking when she picked up the pen.

When April Kepner was young, she always believed in soulmates, true love, the one. She was a romantic, always waiting for her Prince Charming. She envisioned meeting the perfect man, falling in love, getting married, having children, and living happily ever after. That was the plan and April was good at sticking to plans.

However, there were three moments in her life when the plan didn't mean a damn thing.

The first moment was during her third year as an intern and few months into her time at Seattle Grace/Mercy West. She missed an airway and killed a mother, she was fired from Seattle Grace/Mercy West (the first time) and left without saying goodbye, even to Reed. All her hard work, all her planning meant nothing. She wanted to help people instead someone was dead because of her. From that day forward, April vowed that she would never forget Cathy Becker and her son. April would like to think of it as a blessing, it is why she is so thorough and organized. She will never lose another patient because of her mistake again.

The second moment where plans did not seem to matter was unsurprisingly the night before the boards. She could never explain what came over her that night. She was living in the moment for the first time in her life. She just really wanted to kiss Jackson, so she did. She really wanted him to kiss every inch of her body, so she let him. She wanted to feel something that she had been thinking about since she was a teenage, so she did it. It didn't matter that he was her best friend or that they had never been close to doing something like this before. There was no plan. She didn't care about tomorrow. She only cared about that moment and how good it felt to kiss him and feel him against her skin. If she had known that the rest of her life had been shaped by that moment, she is pretty sure she would have chickened out. But she didn't chicken out. Instead she and Jackson kissed, she lost her virginity, failed her boards, was fired from the hospital, was rehired, fell in love with Jackson, struggled with her faith and identity, loses Jackson, found her faith, got engaged, and then in front of everyone she knew and loved chose Jackson.

That was not the plan. Not for one second.

The third moment where life did not seem to care about her plans was Samuel. They were so ready to start a family and so excited to meet him. They had plans, so many plans. Dear, sweet Samuel, who never had a chance, but changed everything.

After Samuel, April had come to realize that plans don't matter. Life keeps moving forward and you either move with it or you drown in the past.

She didn't know what happens next. She didn't know where she goes from here. She just knew that she needed to keep moving forward.

"Is there anything else?" She finishes signing the last line and slides the papers to her lawyer.

"Nope, that's it" Jackson's lawyer answers. She feels the tears burn her eyes. But she knows if she starts crying in this conference room, she wouldn't be able to stop.

"Okay," She gathers her things. Jackson doesn't say anything, but she could see him looking at her from the corner of her eye. In the movies, she would say one crushing line and leave the room with dignity. But this was not the movies and she felt no dignity. They would never kiss or touch or be what they were to each other ever again.

She had to leave. She rushed out of the room as the tears began to flow. Goodbye.