"Hello?"
The unmistakable voice comes through shortly after. "Hey Li-Olivia it's me. It's Elliot."
Olivia doesn't move. The phone stays perched against her ear, gripping it so hard her knuckles begin to turn white. Her breathing is shallow and it's like the scene in the restaurant all over again. Taken completely off guard and not knowing what to say or do.
"Olivia are you still there?" His voice is shaky, the nerves taking over. "Please. Please talk to me."
It's the second time he's begged her today. To talk. To listen. Not to leave. Instinctively she wants to rebel against it all because she doesn't owe him shit. He owes her.
Five years. Five years and she's been through hell. And he wasn't there.
Looking down at her bare feet, she finally finds the strength to answer. "Yes, I'm here." It's then she realizes she's still naked. Her other hand covers her breasts as if he can see through the phone and she starts to grab the clothes laid across the bed to put them on. "What's up Elliot? Why are you calling?"
Her curt tone is not surprising, he anticipated as much. He wanted to wait until tomorrow to call her at a decent hour but couldn't wait. The thought of talking to her had been on his mind since earlier, he was just hoping that Pippa wouldn't notice.
"I'm sorry to call so late," he starts, his sweaty palms almost losing the grip on the phone. "I just thought we needed to talk."
Olivia looks at the clock on her iPad that also shows a still sleeping Noah and rolls her eyes. "It's almost 10:30." She's struggling to keep the anger or any type of emotion out of her voice. He can't know she still cares. Fully dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed, she lets out a deep sigh.
"I know I was trying to wait until I figured your son would be sleep. I didn't want to wake him."
"Oh really, I thought it was your date that may have run a little late." Her eyes close in frustration at herself.
Good job Olivia. Way to show him you don't care.
"No, I've been at home for awhile now. Just waiting on a good time to call that's all."
Both are quiet, not knowing what to say next.
"I uhh-your boyfriend or whatever doesn't care that I called so late does he? I mean I didn't interrupt you-." The words get stuck in his throat and he stutters trying to get it all out. He didn't know if she was single or not but she had a son so there had to be a man present somewhere in her life. And asking Pippa probably wouldn't go over well.
And there it is.
She knew it wouldn't be long. Typical Elliot. Finding some roundabout way to pry into her personal life without just asking. She was annoyed already.
"No it's not a problem other than the fact that I'm not sure what you want to talk about." Being unclear about her relationship status was her goal and based on his scoff on the other end of the phone, her goal was achieved.
"Okkkkk," he drags the words out. "How are you? How have you been?"
Oh you know just got kidnapped, watched a woman get raped, sexually assaulted by a psychopath, you know the normal.
The urge to be sarcastic is tempting but she fights against it and goes with her classic response. "I'm fine."
Elliot sighs again. He knew this wouldn't be easy but the bite of her words is eating away at every bit of courage it took him to make the call. His barefeet make the floorboards of his apartment creak when he starts to pace back and forth in his bedroom, walking in circles around his queen sized bed. "Look I didn't want to keep you long I was just wondering if we could meet up for lunch tomorrow. If you want."
Olivia rubs the heel of her palm into her forehead trying to think. "I don't know. I just-What is there to talk about at this point?"
"I called you," he blurts out. "After Lewis. I called you Liv I swear to God."
Suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed seems too much for the nervous energy she has coursing through her body. She has to move. Walk. Process.
"When?"
"I called Cragen and then I called you and got no answer. I called you a few times." The words are rushing out of him hoping to pull her in. To have her engage. "I left a voicemail once and you didn't call back so I thought you just didn't want to talk."
She's silent but he can hear her hurried breathing and decides to add more while she's listening. "You know I wish i was there. I wish I was there to stop it and I just wanted to see if you were ok. When you didn't answer I finally got in touch with Cragen who told me you would be out for a few months and to give you some time."
Her mind races. Cragen hadn't mentioned anything to her. She had gotten tons of phone calls during that time to the point she cut the phone off. Anyone who needed to reach her mostly went through Brian while she sat in the bedroom replaying in her mind everything that happened with Lewis over and over again. Or she was at self defense classes or at the gun range. Talking to anyone but her therapist and Brian unless she absolutely needed to was the last thing on her mind. By the time she powered her phone back up a month later, she erased all calls, voice messages and texts assuming it was the press trying to set up interviews.
Cragen warned her that 1PP would want the whole heroes press tour but she wasn't interested. It felt like parading around the fact that she was a victim. And then there was everything that happened after. It never occurred to her that one of the numbers she didn't recognize was his.
"Olivia you gotta know I would've done anything."
"I know," she interrupts him. "I know you would've." There was never any doubt in her mind that all the things she said to Lewis when he was handcuffed to that bed was true. Elliot would have beat him just as she did, only difference is...he would've killed him. If there was one reason she was grateful that he was not there to save her, that was the one.
"I should've kept reaching out. I should've done more. Come by. I just didn't want to be selfish...for once. You needed time so I just.."
"Stayed away," she finished for him.
"Yeah."
Olivia wasn't sure if he knew about the latest situation when she was held hostage or about Lewis taking her again. She certainly wasn't going to rehash all of that. Not tonight. He had tried to reach out before and that was better that what she had assumed. The words Bernie Stabler had once told Kathleen echoed in her mind a lot of those sleepless nights when she had secretly hoped and prayed that it was him next to her, comforting her instead of Brian.
He doesn't hate you. If he did he would just cut you right out of his life.
She had believed it then. Even though there was no reason to other than the fact she hadn't heard from him.
"I don't know," she finally answers. "About lunch I mean I don't know. Things are crazy at work and…we're in the middle of this case."
It's an excuse but a valid one. It was rough for her to keep up dates as it was but this one she was nervous about for a completely different reason.
"Then tell me what works no matter what time or place I will be there," he pleaded. Elliot was desperate. Now that she was back in his life he would do anything to try to keep her there.
"Can't you just say what you need to say on the phone?"
The breath he had been holding blew out in a rush. Feeling defeated, he sat on the edge of the bed. His left hand curled over the edge of the firm mattress while he held tight to the phone with his right. There was so much to say but he wanted to see her when he said it. This disadvantage of not being able to see her face or look into her eyes made everything more difficult. They were always physically close without touching and that undeniable chemistry always said more than his mouth ever could.
Now he would have to talk.
"I guess I can."
"Ok, then say it." Confidence radiated her tone but inside she was anything but. She tiptoed into the kitchen and began to pour another glass of Merlot.
"I umm...after the shooting. I took some time away and just had to get myself together."
"I noticed," she cut him off.
Elliot took a deep breath and kept going, not allowing her attitude to deter his thoughts. "I got your calls and your voicemails but I just needed to sort some stuff out. I had talked with IAB and it just wasn't going well as you can imagine."
Her hands momentarily shake against the glass at the mention of IAB. She knows that Ed dealt firsthand with Elliot's case but they have never talked about it.
"Anyway, I resigned, got divorced and took a job with the US Marshals. You remember Christine Danielson from the US Attorney's office?"
The information was coming at her so fast she didn't have enough time to process. "Yeah," she rasped. "I remember."
"Well she said the door was always open so I walked through it. It was really the only option I had at the time or just go work Security at a mall or something and that was out of the question."
She was quiet. Too quiet. It made him nervous and he began to pace again spouting out information to get her to feel comfortable enough to talk too.
"I work with Witness Protection so I'm gone a lot on assignment, some here in the States some in other countries. I've been back for about a month and I plan on staying close for a little while with the summer coming up so I can spend as much time as I can with Eli."
Her eyes screw shut at the mention of the little boy. The little boy she watched being born. There was a time she resented him when Kathy first told Elliot she was pregnant. In her mind, she believed that something was developing between her and Elliot. The tides had shifted although they hadn't talked about it and he was making no real efforts to move back home. When she found out about Kathy being pregnant was a day before she was suspended for six months and she spent a lot of that time mourning a future that she wasn't even sure was a possibility.
A future with him.
"That sounds great. I'm sure he will enjoy that," she adds clearing her throat. She takes a long sip from her wine glass and walks over to the couch. "How is Eli doing?"
Elliot sighs in relief. Asking questions. This is a good sign.
"He's great. Loves to play soccer and hockey. Just doing a little bit of everything."
The pride in his voice is evident when he talks about his son and it brings a smile to hers even if it's for a brief second.
"And the other kids how are they?"
Olivia made herself comfortable on the couch listening to him talk about Maureen being a nurse, Kathleen working with an organization for children with mental illnesses and the twins' upcoming college graduation. His nervousness had begun to fade as they settled into a conversation similar to the ones they would have when they were on a stakeout or just sitting across from each other at work. The talk of the kids floated into his mother, which was surprising because he was never forthcoming with information about her at first. There was an edge to his voice that led her to believe he was aware of the conversation she had with his mother. Although her hint in the courtroom that day after Kathleen's sentencing may have helped with that.
Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot.
Elliot laid back on the bed as he talked about a few of the places he had gone for months at a time which was easier now that he was single and had only one child that was still living at home. He had been to Russia, spent some time in Canada and was lucky enough to be stationed in the Dominican Republic for a few months.
"It's beautiful there," he muses his eyes closed picturing the sandy beaches and blue water. He imagined her there with him so many nights. The two of them near the water listening to the crashing of the waves eventually lulling them both to sleep in each other's arms. It was a dream, one that he never thought would actually come true but it offered him comfort and a way to be close to her even when they were so distant.
"I've always wanted to go," she muses throwing her head back against the pillow of her sofa. Talks of exotic places mixed with the tingling of the wine in her veins take the last bit of tension out of the conversation.
"I remember," he says softly. "I remember the pamphlets on your counter when I came over to talk to you about Clyde's murder and you had the flu." A small detail. But he remembered.
"And you made me tea and told me to lay back down," she adds in a voice as soft as his. For a moment they are transported back to that moment in time. A time when she counted on him for everything and he was more than willing to take care of her even when he had a family of his own. She had never felt more safe. Over the past five years she had gained a lot, but she had also lost just as much...if not more. "I can't believe you bailed me out and put your house up."
Elliot grips the phone tighter, the feeling of possession he's always felt for her taking over. "I just wanted to protect you Liv. I never want anything to happen to you," the lump forms in his throat again. He used her nickname, but didn't correct himself this time. The wall is coming down just a little bit.
"I know," she whispers so he can't hear the tears in her voice. When she reflects on what it is sometimes about her life that she misses, that's one of the things that come to mind. She misses the confidence she had in him to be exactly who he was to her. There wasn't as much worry back then about who would get to her or what would happen. That comfort was priceless.
Elliot sits up on the bed sensing the change in her demeanor. Keeping the conversation on a positive note is his ultimate goal. If she was still anything like before, he knows how quickly she can shut down.
"But it all worked out. We made a great team."
Her lips curl up just a fraction. "Yeah we did. We didn't let anything stop us."
"No we didn't," he agrees. His heart stops, his eyes screw shut. "I miss you Liv."
A quiet sob escapes her throat and she sets the empty wine glass on the table. "I miss you too," she whispers.
Their words hang heavy between them. "I miss us," he adds and she pulls the phone away from her ear. It's too much. Anger. She needs to stay angry because as long as she's angry with him she can't be vulnerable. Not in that way.
"Liv are you still there?" He's open. Defenseless. Powerless. Not a place he's comfortable being, but he's willing to be that. For her.
"I'm here," she swallows the lump in her throat. "I miss us too."
Jesus. Why did he have to be like this? Armed with five years worth of resentment and disappointment, she was ready to fight him. But the fight was slowly leaving her body.
"El, what happened with you and Kathy?"
And there it was.
Tit for tat. It was always a part of their relationship. He had unsuccessfully tried to pry into her personal life. She had directly asked about his.
He sighs and heads for the kitchen to fetch his own alcohol. "It was a long time coming. We grew apart."
"That simple hunh?"
"We never should've gotten back together," he confesses popping the cap to a Bud Light. "Once I resigned, everything just bubbled to the service and….." He paused remembering the last of the fights they had. Kathy had screamed that his heart hadn't been in their marriage for a long time and it was time to call it quits. And she wasn't lying. His heart had been gone. "It was just time to let it go and stop fighting for what wasn't there."
It made sense. Hearing him sound so confident and resolute in the demise of his marriage was surprising. The trials and tribulations of Elliot and Kathy Stabler's marriage had become a part of her life even when she wasn't sure what she wanted the outcome to be.
On one hand she wanted to see her partner's marriage stand the test of time so she had something to believe in. She needed to believe that despite all the depravity and sickness they witnessed on a day to day basis that one of them was able to maintain a healthy family unit. On the other hand, she had fallen in love with him. She couldn't pinpoint the day, the time or even the year it happened. But it did.
"I'm sorry," she says mechanically.
"I'm not," he retorts. "Long time coming."
The silence looms again and she doesn't know quite what to say. Noah stirs briefly on her tablet screen catching her attention but he stays asleep.
"So how is everything with you? How does it feel to be in charge?"
She chuckles bitterly looking at the empty wine glass on her table. "It's umm... it's something. Never a dull moment that's for sure."
Elliot chuckles in response, the sound almost mimicking her. He was surprised when Cragen told him she was CO. Not because she wasn't prepared, but she seemed to always hate the politics and bullshit that came with the position.
"That sounds promising. Let me guess 1PP and IAB on your case all the time."
Her amusement starts to fade at the mention of IAB again.
"Well it is what it is," she stands up to walk to the kitchen and put the wine glass in the sink. "They are just doing their jobs."
"Ok yeah things have definitely changed. I never thought you would drink the kool aid."
"What do you mean?" she asks defensively. She turns the lights off in the kitchen and walks back to her bedroom.
"1PP stayed up Cragen's ass. I mean some of it was warranted but it was always some political bs. And don't even get me started on IAB especially Tucker. What an idiot. Did his old ass retire yet? I hope so for your sake."
Olivia froze. Unable to speak while he continued.
"He was the absolute worst. He couldn't have been happier when I turned in my resignation papers. Piece of shit." Elliot was so worked up he didn't realize that she was no longer responding.
There was a point in time when it was almost competition between them of who hated Ed Tucker more. Everytime he walked in a room their blood pressure rose and they immediately leaped to each other's defense. Elliot got more of the brunt of Tucker's antics than she did but because it affected him. It affected her. They were always a package deal that way.
"You should've seen the smug look on his face whe-"
"Elliot stop," she snapped putting her hand up even though he couldn't see the gesture.
"What's wrong? Oh I'm sorry," he rolled his eyes at himself. "It's late I'm sure you don't want to go back and forth about work. I apologize. We can talk about something else."
He mentally scolded himself for straying off topic. He had gotten so comfortable with them talking the way they used to that he had gotten carried away and upset her.
"Actually it's getting late El…."
"Hold on," he stopped her before she ended the conversation. It was going so well he didn't want to hang up. Worry poured through him. What if she didn't pick up the next time he called now that she knew his number? What if this was the last time they talked?
"So you really are ok? With just everything?"
No. Something was wrong but she didn't know what and they weren't in a place to discuss it.
"I'm fine," she echoed again.
"And your son? How is he?"
The mention of Noah brought a smile to her face and she relaxed against her headboard. "He's fine. Sleeping like a baby."
"What's his name?" He asked timidly. He didn't want to overstep but he wanted to know more about her child. More than anyone, he knew how much she wanted to be a mother.
"His name is Noah. He just turned two and he's just everything."
His heart ached just for a moment while she talked. He always thought he would be there when her dream finally came true of being a mother.
"I'm so happy for you Liv. No one deserves to be a mother more than you."
Her eyes shut at the sincerity in his voice. Noah made her happy but she wanted to confide in someone other than her therapist about how sometimes she felt like she was a shit parent because she didn't see him as much as she would like. That maybe he deserved better than her. That person she would've spilled her guts to would've been Elliot but now….
"Thank you. I appreciate that."
"I won't keep you any longer but Liv if we could just make some time to get together and talk anytime. We can go for a drink or something. You pick the time, the place and I'm there."
Her thoughts turned to Pippa and whether or not she would have an issue with them meeting. It was old friends grabbing a drink but Pippa had already expressed concerns about the nature of their relationship. She didn't want to burn a professional bridge or a budding friendship.
"Are you sure your girlfriend wouldn't have a problem with that?"
Subtle Olivia. Very subtle.
Elliot took it in stride, marginally amused by the hint of jealousy in her voice.
"Well if I had a girlfriend I'm sure she wouldn't mind me meeting up with my old partner to catch up. But Pippa is not my girlfriend. We've gone on a couple of dates."
She knew how Pippa felt but of course couldn't share that with Elliot. "Ok. We can set something up. Text me and we will see how it goes."
"Ok," he accepted the olive branch. She was open and willing and he could tell from her tone that she was sincere. "But are you sure your boyfriend wouldn't have a problem with it?" He teased and was immediately rewarded with the sound of her laughing. He hadn't heard it often when they were partners but when he did it was music to his ears. Laughing at himself for his poor attempt at once again diving into her personal life, he held the phone in anticipation of her answer."
"Goodbye Elliot," she said lightly, the hilarity still in her voice.
"Not goodbye. Good night," he corrected her.
"Ok, goodnight."
Elliot hung up the phone staring at the display until it faded to black. He was glad that she had acquiesced and told him goodnight instead.
Because as long as he lived he would make sure he never said goodbye to her ever again.