Olivia studies her appearance in the mirror for a few minutes. Her hair pulled up in a messy bun, dangling silver earrings and a purple wrap dress with black heels. It's simple but nice enough for the occasion although it was the first dress she found in her closet. She hadn't had time to search through for the perfect outfit because she was already running late and honestly she just didn't feel like putting that much effort into her appearance for the date. There was a goal in mind.

Answers.

And hopefully she could find a way to get them and put her mind at ease about everything...or at least some things. Where it all went from there she wasn't sure.

"How does mommy look?" She asks Noah who sits in the middle of her bed focused more on his blocks than her posing in front of the mirror.

"Preddy," he giggles and smiles in return. Somehow she managed to bathe him, jump in the shower and get ready in under 40 minutes. A new record.

"Ok little man Lucy should be here any minute." Gathering his toys off the bed, she picks him up and walks into his nursery to entertain him for a few minutes when she hears the knock on the door. "And there she is. Come on sweetie." He walks closely behind her as she checks the peephole and verifies that it is her babysitter.

"Who is that?" She asks the toddler as she opens the door.

"Lucy!" He squeals and runs into her arms. Of course he can't help but be crazy about the young brunette since sometimes he sees her more than he does his own mom. A sad fact that bothers her but she can't afford to think about too much in that moment. She's had one meltdown already. She doesn't need another one.

"Hey there little guy. Are you ready for bed?"

Noah immediately shakes his head and they both laugh.

Picking him up, she walks with him back to his room, his little legs wrapped around her waist. "A few more minutes up Noah and then it's time for bed ok?"

"Ok mama," he sighs sadly and it breaks her heart just a little. Not unusual for his age, he's always over dramatic about bedtime as if he's going to miss something.

Olivia sits with him in the rocking chair and runs her hand through his hair, her other hand caressing his back over his Ninja Turtle pajamas. The simple gesture always seems to calm him.

"Liv it's your phone. I think your date is here." Lucy hands her the ringing device.

"Ok sweetie," she places a kiss on his forehead. "You be good for Lucy ok? I love you."

"Love you," he mumbles back giving her a quick kiss.

She hands him over to Lucy and grabs her coat and keys.

"I shouldn't be too late."

"Take all the time you need."

Trust me I won't need much, she's dying to say out loud but keeps it to herself. As soon as she opens the door she is startled by Ed.

"Hey what are you doing up here? I thought I was going to meet you downstairs."

His jaw is tight, hands clasped in his coat pocket. "It's a date Olivia I thought I could at least meet you at your door."

His mood throws her off for a bit. If anything she expected to be the one with a little attitude all things considering. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine just rough day at the office. You ready?" He checks his watch. "We're already running late for your reservation."

Furrowing her brow at his curtness, she walks down the hall alongside him a bit perplexed. She knows how she can be after a hard day. Her previous breakdown in the car a reminder of that so she loosens up.

Ed is dressed in a dark grey shirt, black slacks, with a grey and black striped tie. "You look nice."

"Thanks," he remarks gruffly. "So do you."

Their elevator ride down and walk to the car is cloaked in silence and she feels the overwhelming urge to cancel. "We can do this another night if you want."

He scoffs as he stands near the car, jingling the keys back and forth in his hands. Looking around as if he's trying to conjure up a good mood, he finally exhales and moves closer to her. "Look I'm sorry. Just tell me Olivia. Is this what you want?"

"What? To go to dinner?" She asks confused.

"To be with me? Is this what you want?"

If she knew the answer to that question at least one thing in her life would be a little bit easier right now. Either way it wasn't the time or the place for the conversation. After his display the night before, the fact that he's picking yet another fight pisses her off. The flowers were supposed to be a sign of peace or at least she thought.

"Where is this coming from? Either you want to go to dinner or you don't."

Ed moves closer to her, his blue eyes piercing a hole into hers. "It's a simple question Olivia."

Not one to be backed in a corner she mounts the best offense she can. "So let me get this straight. After basically telling me last night that I'm incapable of having a relationship because of everything that 'happened' to me," she uses air quotes, "then sending me flowers as what I can only assume now was a half ass apology, you want to confront me about whether or not I want to be with you? Why wouldn't I though right? Because this whole display is certainly appealing."

His posture softens and she can see his anger slip marginally. Whatever has him fired up her words seem to have weakened it somewhat.

He places his right hand on her elbow pulling her a little closer. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Olivia exhales in relief. Somehow she managed to dodge the real answer to the question. An answer she doesn't have.

"Do you want to cancel? We can do this another night." Her tone is more calm trying to remove some of the tension that now exists between them.

"No. I've actually been looking forward to this all week," he answers giving her a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes. "Come on let's go."

Their ride to the restaurant is fairly silent, a few cordial exchanges about their days. Not surprisingly she omits the part about Elliot but does share about the issues with Pippa and the case. Whatever happened with his day that put him in a foul mood she doesn't get the answer to but then again because he's Internal Affairs. There's only so much he can share with her anyway.

At the restaurant, they sit and browse the menu in silence. She can feel his eyes on her but makes no effort to strike up a conversation. Instead her mind swirls trying to think of some way to bring up the Elliot thing without being overly obvious.

"So what kind of wine are we ordering tonight?"

Olivia shifts in her seat, placing her black clutch closer to the end of the table. "Whatever you want. Surprise me."

Ed lifts his eyebrow in surprise. "Well ok. That's a first."

She lowers the menu and lifts her eyebrow as well. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head. "You just normally like to choose so.."

Olivia shrugs off his comment and continues to look at the menu. It's never taken so long to pick out something to eat but her mind is swirling at how quickly everything had changed. It wasn't a few days ago that Ed had been her source of comfort. The person she called when she needed to take her mind off Elliot suddenly rolling back into her life and they had shared many talks in bars over the months about the stresses of the job. It was an outlet that she felt she needed while she tried to come to terms with her new role but once again life has thrown her a curveball and turned everything on its axis.

"Actually," she speaks up and motions for the waiter again and he's back at her side within a few moments. "Can I get a glass of Nero d'Avola?" The small glass of bourbon she had earlier before meeting with Elliot hard worn off, and the meltdown had completely sobered her up.

"I figured you'd change your mind."

She half rolls her eyes, her arm plopping down on the table. "Well you do know me so well."

It came off bitchier than intended.

"There must be something more on your mind than just what happened with Pippa today," he coaxed her. "You seem a lot more on edge."

"Well let's see," she picks up the glass of wine that was just delivered and takes a small sip. "What happened was a pretty big deal considering Dodds called me...again and then there was your wonderful display when you came to pick me up," she reminds him.

A flash of regret crosses his face but he begins to fidget with the linen cloth in his lap. "I apologized for that."

"I know you did."

"So there's nothing else?" he prods. His blue eyes bore into hers and she's thankful they aren't the same shade of blue as Elliot's because that would be all types of weird and completely unwelcome at the moment...or ever. His question feels more like an interrogation and she may as well be on the other side of the steel table at IAB with a mic pointed in her direction while she answers his questions. Tired of holding back and not having an ounce of patience left in her she decides to dive right into it.

"What happened with Elliot's resignation?"

His back straightens, his eyes looking down for a split second before he answers. "What about it? He turned his papers in after he shot that girl. You were there."

"Yeah I was," she sets the empty glass down. "But I don't know the specifics other than he would've been ordered to take anger management and-'

"Why do you even need to know the specifics?" he cuts her off. "He resigned. And not only did he resign did he even call you after to let you know? Or did you find out from Cragen?"

Olivia's blood runs cold. They stare at each other and don't bother to look away when the waiter brings out the entree. How dare he? They had never talked about the fact she got the news about Elliot's resignation from Cragen but of course word had spread around the cop circle that the partnership that many believed to be romantic at one point or another had completely dissolved when he left the force.

Clutching the tablecloth, she tries to regain composure and stop herself from cursing him out for bringing up something that left her in tears more often than not in the months following his leaving the force.

"It doesn't matter why I need to know," she seethes through gritted teeth. "I asked you a question. What happened?"

Ed grabs his fork and pushes the pasta around his plate aggressively. Her leg is shaking under the table nervously as she anticipates his answer. Seconds feel like minutes. She hasn't touched her food and her wine glass is empty. Suddenly she's pissed that she chose a place that was so quiet and intimate. With the exception of a few glasses and plates clinking together in the kitchen area, the conversations are so low she almost believes that no one is talking. Maybe she should've shelved this conversation until they left or when they were in the car. Now Pandora's box has been opened. Even though it's irrational, this isn't the place or the time and she's not sure it will change a damn thing, she wants to know.

"Let me help you out since you can't seem to find the answer. I just want to know one thing."

He drops his fork immediately. "What?"

"Did you tell him that if he didn't resign that it would make me damaged goods in the eyes of the NYPD and my career would be compromised?"

The second his gaze leaves hers she has her answer.

"Unbelievable," she huffs.

"Olivia listen," he reaches his hand out to hers across the table and she quickly jerks it back. "I wasn't telling him anything that wasn't the truth. Stabler's jacket was twice the size of yours and yes there were rumors about you and how the two of you always covered for each other but he was always in trouble. Do you know how many excessive force complaints he had? The shootings? Partners are a package deal. Now that you run a squad you should know that."

She's shaking her head before he's even done talking. "That's not true. Rollins has had her issues and so did Amaro. It hasn't reflected bad on me or Fin."

Now it's Ed's turn to roll his eyes. "Are you really going to sit up here and compare you and Stabler to you and Amaro and Rollins and Tutuola? Really?"

And there it is. There was more to it.

"You and I both know there is no comparison," he whispers harshly trying to keep his voice down. "And we both know why."

Yes. She knew why. But she wanted him to say it.

"Maybe we both don't. Why don't you tell me?" she challenges

Ed throws his napkin on to the table, his dinner forgotten and starts to motion for the waiter.

"What are you doing?"

"We are getting out of here," he says and his anger is palpable.

"We haven't even had dinner yet. Why the rush? You wanted us to go out. We are out. If you were just doing your job then what's the big deal?" She's on a roll and knows she should stop herself but she keeps going. "That's what you always say right? Do what you have to do to make sure there aren't any dirty cops so there can be justice. Our jobs are so important. So why don't you tell me what was so different about me and Elliot? Tell me why you felt the need to use me to get him to quit his job."

The waiter arrives at the table with the check and quickly exits just as Ed gives her a determined stare. "Because I knew there were romantic feelings between the two of you. Hell everybody knew it. You think you two weren't the talk of 1PP?"

Olivia takes a quick moment to recover and strikes back. "What the hell does that have to do with you forcing him out of his job?"

"Because you would've gone around for years being a love sick puppy while he held on to his family AND you. And you deserve more than that Olivia. If Stabler wasn't around you wouldn't be CO of your unit right now. You probably wouldn't even still have a damn job. Do you even think you would be a mother right now? He held you back from everything and you just went along with it."

The feelings come over her in waves. The words she echoed to Nick almost a year ago when he left coming back full circle. It was the same thoughts she had once when she was the most angry and hurt by him. They had since faded but to hear someone say the exact same thing was hard to fathom. And him of all people.

"He didn't hold me back," she defends weakly staring at her empty wine glass.

"Yes he did," he chuckles bitterly. "And he's doing it now."

Her head snaps up in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You and me. You are holding back on us because of him."

She leans in and whispers furiously almost knocking over the plate in front of her. "No i'm not."

"Yes you are," he says calmly. Almost too calmly. "I saw you. I saw you and Stabler kissing in the car."

Olivia freezes, a small gasp escaping from her throat.

"Here you are sir," the waiter interrupts but they don't break their stare. "Can I get a box for your food ma'am?"

She shakes her head. "No thanks. I'm not hungry."

Ed scribbles his signature on the receipt and stands on the side of the table waiting for her to stand up. "Are you ready?"

Clearly more a statement than a question as he's made it clear that he's ready to leave and under no circumstances can she stay in an open quiet restaurant for much longer while she's screaming on the inside.

Grabbing her clutch, he walks a few steps behind her and they collect their coats from the front before they head to his car. Despite his anger, Ed holds the door open for her but doesn't meet her eyes as she settles into the seat and waits for him to come around the car and get in. There is no radio on during the drive and she can feel the tension thick in the air.

Her mind didn't have time to process how she didn't notice that someone was watching them in the car. Instead her focus was on what he said at the table.

About Elliot.

His reasoning for why he did what he did. And her deserving more. Her therapist had discussed with her why she didn't think she deserved someone who truly loved her. A trait that he traced back to her tumultuous relationship with Serena and the brutal reality surrounding her conception. It was a thought that she herself had tossed around and that Lewis taunted her with when he tried to get inside her head when he held her captive. The concept of not feeling worthy of love was something she equated with the most horrific and negative parts of her life and despite the way he tore himself from her life and the hurt she felt in his absence, she could never feel that depth of dissension towards Elliot. He had disappointed her, yes. He had left her without a word, certainly. But in spite of it all she never believed for a second that he stopped caring about her.

Those thoughts soon dissolve into moments of them together over those long years of their partnership. Promises of giving kidneys, helping to save the life of his wife and son, running off to Oregon, heartfelt conversations on his stoop at 4am after arguing, mortgaging his home to bail her out of prison. The feeling of protectiveness and defensiveness surges through her. Words bubble up to the surface that she hadn't said before when Elliot was in her life and words that were the opposite of what she said when her other partner moved on.

The car comes to a stop and just like that, they are back in front of her apartment. Ed doesn't turn off the car but places his hand on her knee, lightly stroking his index finger back and forth.

"What do you want Olivia?" he asks again. The same question from a couple of hours ago. She was confused then about what he meant, but she knows exactly what he's asking now. But that doesn't mean she has the answer. "I don't know," she says immediately.

He retracts his hand from her knee, placing it on the steering wheel instead. Grateful that he still hasn't shut off the car engine, her hands reach for the door handle to leave but the words that were on the edge of her heart spill out instead.

"You're right," she says simply, clearing her throat to make sure her words come out clear and concise. She wants there to be no misunderstanding.

"About what?"

"About me not being Lieutenant if Elliot was still my partner," she says turning to make eye contact with him. "I would probably still just be a detective."

Ed smirks slightly, happy that she agreed that he was right.

"I would've still been a detective because that's what I was happy doing. It wasn't easy but I was happy. I didn't have any of the politics or the games it was just me and him trying to find justice for the victims any way we could," she continues and his lips begin to flatten. The momentary boost of confidence slowly fading away. " He probably would still be with his family and I still would've been single so you're right about that too. But he didn't hold me back. I did. I did because even though he was married to someone else, I found a sense of security in him that I never found in anyone else and that was what was most important to me. So you were right about that too. But where you are wrong Ed. Where you are dead wrong is that I would've still been a mother. Because he believed I would be a great mom when I didn't even believe it myself," she declares trying to keep the shakiness out of her voice as she recalls the words he said to her in the car when they were investigating some stolen embryos. "He would've supported me any way he could in being a mother."

"Oli-"

"No," she interrupts him. "Let me finish. It wasn't your decision to make about what I was being held back from. If you twisted around how you handled his resignation because of me then that makes you no different than what you were trying to save me from. Elliot may be a lot of things that you and others in 1PP may not necessarily like but he was never someone I needed to be saved from. In a lot of ways he saved me."

Ed's chest visibly deflates as he sighs in defeat, gripping the steering wheel. Olivia finally pulls on the door handle and lets herself out.

"Good night Ed."

Author's Note: Thank you guys for hanging in there with me with Ed and Pippa. I know everyone is ready for them to get lost but please just trust me. We will get there.