Author's Note: Sorry for the delay folks but thank you so much for sticking with this story. I know that some of you are anxious for Olivia to make a decision but I want to stress this story isn't just about Olivia's romantic life but Olivia getting herself together as well. So that may take some time. I appreciate you guys hanging in there with what some may thing is a "slow" place to the story but some things take time. Thanks for all of the reviews! Please continue to leave them and I will try and update sooner this time I promise.
The next two days go by in a blur. There was finally a break in the case and Pippa was able to finally file charges against their suspect. Managing to keep their focus solely on work, her and Pippa managed to co-exist, in the presence of her detectives, never alone long enough to bring up Elliot. And thank goodness for that. Impressed by Pippa's professionalism she almost felt guilty when text messages from Elliot came in while they were discussing the case in her office. When text messages came in from Ed, she felt indifferent. Uncomfortable. Not sure what if anything to say.
Can we talk?
Can I meet you for dinner?
Olivia was turning him down left and right. She really was busy with the case and she just didn't have the strength or the bandwidth to juggle the two men in her life. Trying not to think about how she became this person, her phone goes off again and she immediately rolls her eyes. However, this notification wasn't the usual reminder of the mess of her 'love-life'. It was instead the reminder of something far more important.
In a hurry, she grabs her black purse, blue eye glasses and hurries out of the door. "I'll be back in about an hour Fin, hold down the fort," she hollers over her shoulder scurrying toward the elevator.
A facetime session with Lucy while she walks to her car in the parking garage to check on Noah and a quick call from Dodds who is out in the field and she's finally on her way.
Her phone rings again and this time it's not work. Olivia presses the small button to the bluetooth on her ear and takes the call. "Benson."
"Hey I finally caught you," Ed rasps on the other line. His voice is shaky and uncertain. The first time they've spoken since she got out of his car the other night.
"Yes. You caught me," she mutters noncommittally. It's not until she's actually talking to him that she realizes how much she doesn't want to. It highlights a trait about herself that she's always despised. When she's done she's done. And she feels like she's not giving him a fair shot.
He made a mistake. Haven't they all in some form or another? She definitely wasn't squeaky clean in the situation considering her two lip locking sessions with her former partner. Making a permanent decision on temporary feelings wasn't the route she wanted to go either.
Time, that would help.
Her head was fuzzy and she just needed time to figure everything out. If she ended it completely with him right now she was concerned that once she gained clarity she would regret it. But the bigger part of her, the more rational part that was in tune with all things Olivia let her know that they would probably not get past this.
"You sound like you are in the car," Ed states the obvious and she can hear him moving around on the other end of the line. Probably walking. "Headed out on a case?"
"No, I have an appointment." She kept it brief.
Awkward silence ensues and she takes a right turn, a few minutes away from her destination.
"Can we get together and talk later? I think we need to talk about the other night."
Stopped at a red light, Olivia leans her elbow on the door her left hand squeezing her forehead. "I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm just not up for talking right now."
"I know you think my actions weren't warranted-"
"And you think they were?" Here it goes again. "Ed you've done a lot over the years but this time you actually cost him his career. It's one thing to give us a hard time but Elliot could've still been on the force. I know you had it in for him but if you did this because you were harboring some crush on me I just-"
"You think that's why i did it? I was looking out for you," his voice more forceful than before.
"Looking out for me? We didn't even get along! We weren't friends. I didn't need you to-," she stops herself when she starts getting too worked up. "Look we can't talk about this. It's clear that you aren't going to change your point of view and neither will I. We're just at an impasse."
"Yeah," he gruffed. "I guess we are."
They sat in silence for a few seconds that felt like minutes. There really was nothing left to say.
"Maybe we just-"
"Olivia don't. You're still mad and I get it," Ed cut her off. "Don't make a rash decision while you are still mad at me and while people," he emphasized the word with sarcasm, "being back in your life may be confusing you."
"This isn't about him," she assures him but wasn't sure how true that was.
"Are you sure? Can you really say that?"
No. She couldn't.
His actions independent of Elliot were deplorable. Using the excuse of caring about her or looking out for her was just that. An excuse. But she wasn't sure that if Elliot wasn't still in the picture that she would be so eager to end this with him.
"I'm at the office. I have to go," she says, not answering his question.
He lets out a frustrated sigh. "Ok. Can we talk later?"
"We can talk tomorrow. Bye."
Pressing the end button on the phone, she looks at the time on the display. 10:50 am. Ten minutes to spare. Her car eases into a parking spot on the curb a block away from her destination and she takes a moment to breathe.
Breathe.
It doesn't happen often. Her taking these little moments for herself but it's something that she's promised herself she would begin to do. Start to do things for herself. Breathing was just the beginning. As the clock strikes 10:55 she turns off the engine, unlocks the door and walks towards the building she had visited at one point a lot two years ago, but only sporadically as of late. This too will change.
Approaching the front desk, she gives a tight smile to an older lady with dirty blonde hair who had just checked in.
The receptionist greets her, knowing her all too well thanks to news footage and the frequent visits some time ago.
"Lieutenant Benson, just sign right there. Dr. Lindstrom will see you shortly."
Elliot hangs up the phone, holding it to his temple for just a moment longer while he deliberates. His next assignment had come in. Denver for two months. He told them he would think about it. Having the option to pass was a luxury that he made sure was built in when he initially took the job with the US Marshals. Everything that's going on around him right now tells him it's the wrong time to leave. Especially when he just got back into Olivia's life. He will probably tell them no since income is not an issue. Living a rather low maintenance lifestyle with most of his kids off the payroll has its advantages.
He sets the phone down on the small dining table and walks in the kitchen to get a bottle of water. Pacing back and forth, letting the cold liquid slide down his throat as he ponders his next move. They've talked here and there over the past few days but he knows she's taking the time she needs to figure everything out.
Over the years he's kept his distance when he shouldn't have. So if there's one thing he can give her is time. No one deserves it more than her. To live the life she wants to live and make the decisions she wants to make. The choice is simple for him, he will always choose her. No matter who is in the picture. No matter what is going on.
Years ago he should've made that choice when his marriage was over but he cowered down to a sense of duty and responsibility. His feelings hadn't been the most obvious to her and he fully understands why. He rubs his head again, the beginning of a headache looming. There's a college basketball game on television so he sits down, grabbing a bottle of aspirin and pops two into his mouth washing it down with the rest of his water.
It's an hour later and he's half asleep when he hears fainti knocks on his door. His kids usually knock twice and announced they were opening the door until lately when Maureen made it a point to say she wouldn't use her key again since she knew he was dating. "Who is it?"
"El, it's me," he hears the voice say and he stops in his tracks. Olivia. In a slight panic, he starts to look around the apartment making sure it's in good condition for company. Everything is in its place for the most part, no clothes or anything hanging out. All of Eli's toys are in his room. The only thing on the table is the remote control, his bottle of water and a few of Elizabeth's magazines.
"El?"
"I'm coming. One sec."
Elliot takes a deep breath, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his black sweatpants. Thankfully his headache has mostly subsided, the pain now morphing into nervousness.
When he opens the door, her back is turned as if she was about to walk away. "Hey, hey sorry it took so long."
Olivia jerks her head up and straightens her purse up on her shoulder. "Is it a bad time? I'm sorry I just kind of showed up."
"No no," he moves away from the door to create enough space so she can walk in. "Come in please."
Her arm clutches her purse a little tighter and she finally walks in. He catches her looking around assessing the place, nodding her head in approval. "This is nice."
He shrugs in response. "It's home." This apartment felt more like home to him than anywhere he had been awhile. The place he rented after his first separation was cold and empty, the boxes never fully unpacked. When he went back to Queens when he and Kathy reconciled, it still didn't feel like where he belonged. Far removed for too long, he felt like a visitor and in essence he was. His stay was much more brief than either of them had anticipated.
"Can I get you something to drink?" he offers pointing towards the sofa for her to sit.
"No that's okay I can't really stay long I just-." Clearly uncomfortable, she takes turns fidgeting between her phone and her jacket. "I just came from somewhere and I guess I just wanted to talk."
His arms fold across his chest and he takes in her appearance, thankful that after all these years he can still read her body language to an extent. She's nervous and contemplative.
"Ok, let's talk."
Once again he walks over to the sofa hoping it will signal her to sit down and get comfortable enough to talk about whatever is bothering her. At last, she takes the invite and sits down, her hands crossed on her lap.
"I bet you are wondering how I knew where you lived," she begins.
Elliot shrugs it off. "You're a cop. It's not too hard to figure out."
"Guess I could've done that awhile ago." Olivia tucks her hair behind her ear and his chest tightens just a bit.
"We both could have," he assures her and she gives him a tight smile. They could've reunited years ago, the tools accessible to find each other had they put in the extra effort. Obviously him more so than her.
"So why didn't you?" she asks softly.
His chest deflates, an exhale escaping.
"I'm sorry I just need to know...more."
They sit side by side on the sofa, his left leg barely brushing against hers. There has been an explanation as to why he stayed away but maybe not a full reasoning. It's still hard for him to put into words sometimes. "I didn't try more because there's a part of me that thought you would be better off without me. I always felt like I brought you down Liv. You were always fixing my damn problems," he explains shaking his head back and forth as if he's willing the memories out of his head. They've talked about this before but he feels like he owes her more. Something that will make her truly understand why he felt he had to stay away. "And then what Tucker said just reinforced that. I felt like I had already ruined my kids lives to an extent. Always working and never being around for them. Kathy resented me. I was not going to bring your life down anymore. You are the last person that deserves that. I know if I would've picked up the phone somehow you would've talked me into coming back."
"You could've just let me know you were okay," she counters and takes off her jacket. It officially feels like they are having the same conversation again.
All of a sudden it feels stifling in his apartment. Like there's too much between them and too much left unsaid. He stands up and begins to pace back and forth near the sofa. Her eyes follow his every move.
"Liv, you don't know what it feels like to think that you literally ruin everything and everyone you love." The words he's said to his therapist years ago begin to flow from him. He owes her that. Years and years of not talking, not opening up. He owes her as much of the truth as she's willing to hear. "That was my reason for staying away and after Lewis, once I finally found out I knew you were with Cassidy. I found out you were okay and I made myself stay away because I didn't want to mess up anything. I don't know I guess I just feel like you and me were a landmine sometimes. When we were on we were great but when we weren't…it was rough. I didn't want you to have anymore stress."
As he talks and paces, he takes a moment to look over at her making sure she's taking it all in. Their relationship is so different now. Over a decade of partnership and they haven't talked as much as they do now. A part of it makes him feel uneasy but he also knows that something has to be different now if he wants to keep her in his life.
Olivia picks at a piece of invisible lint on her pants and remains still as he talks. Her stare darts back and forth between him and concentrating on the remote on his table. But she's still there. Still taking it all in.
"After Lewis I was in a bad way and I just wanted to change everything around me. It's why I moved..and in with Brian. In hindsight maybe that wasn't the best idea all things considering." She blows out a puff of air and shakes her head as if she's had some type of revelation.
"I didn't know how I fit into all of that and I just needed to know you were okay and that he was out of dodge. The kids wanted to reach out to you when they heard about Lewis, Kathleen especially. I talked them out of it. Told them they needed to give you space."
That news has a more visible reaction from her. "They wanted to see you Liv. We all did," he walks back to the sofa and sits down. "Maybe it wasn't the right decision, I don't know. There wasn't a day that I didn't stop thinking about you and I told myself that I would reach out to you again one day."
"And what happened?" Their eyes meet and he can see the hurt there. Fresh and renewed. The disappointment. Not different than what he saw the day the stars aligned and they ran into each other in the restaurant.
"The more time passed the more I just thought it was too late. Like what would we say? Your life was different, my life was different and I just didn't want to disrupt anything. Shit," he curses frustrated. There is no good way to explain it that will get her to understand so he digs down deep and pulls out the one thing he knows about himself as self deprecating as it may be. "I'm a selfish bastard that can't communicate half the time. I bottle it up, then I lash out in anger and it ends up hurting everyone around me. You had gone through enough hurt for a lifetime. Your mom and how she treated you, Seal-," he stops himself before he mentions the name of the prison. Another time when he believed he wasn't there for her and should've been. There was more that happened and she never told him, he also never asked. Afraid once again of what he might do. "You just hurt enough and I felt like it was easier to sit still and do nothing than open my mouth, invade your life and fuck it all up."
It almost feels like too much. Telling her the things he never wanted to admit to himself.
Olivia is quiet. Still distractedly picking at the lent on her slacks before he hears her whisper.
"But I loved you anyway."
The words are so faint he almost thinks he didn't hear them. Did she just say she loved him?
His head jerks to the side and he sees her swiping away at tears.
"Liv," he reaches for her hand and she gently pulls it away. There's no anger behind the rejection but he suspects she just needs the space. In what he's trying so hard to learn to do, he gives it to her. "When I talked to Ed he said some of the things you just did and so did I. When I was the most mad I wanted to believe that you left me and I just had to start so much from scratch. That I could've been dating and married if I hadn't been pining away for you. And when I was really pissed," she chuckled bitterly. "I let myself believe that you never cared about me and you got off on the fact that I was holding out for you."
Elliot sits perfectly still. Not making a single move because he doesn't want her to stop talking. One reason is because he wants to know about the conversation with Tucker. The other because she just told him she loved him. It's killing him to know if she still does.
"Ed felt like he was saving me from you because you would hurt my career and I told him he was wrong. That I didn't need to be saved from you. That in a lot of ways you saved me."
He swallows and pivots his body to face her completely. "Then you lied to him."
"What?" she asks in confusion.
"Then you lied to him. I never saved you Olivia. You saved me. You saved yourself."
Perplexed, her eyebrows raise and he reaches for her hand again. "Don't you get it? My marriage, my kids, shit. Even my job. I wouldn't have had any of that if it wasn't for you. You saved my sorry ass more times than I can remember. When did I ever save you? You always saved yourself. And that is the reason I stayed away. For once, I needed to save my damn self."
The words wash over her and through her in waves. His apartment seems so quiet. Soundless. There are faint noises outside his door, his neighbors hauling groceries inside and arguing over who needs to put the key in the door. It's the middle of the afternoon and instead of being at work, somehow she ended up here. After her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom where she was talking so fast he had to tell her to slow down, Elliot's place was the first place she felt like she needed to go.
His name had come up several times in their sessions a few years ago right after Lewis but she immediately tried to downplay the relationship.
Today, when she admitted to not only her budding and now fledgling relationship with a colleague, (no names mentioned), she admitted that Elliot was back in her life. The look on Dr. Lindstrom's face was the look she expected from anyone she happened to mention his return to which as of yet had been no one.
Shit, why didn't she have more friends? Where the hell was Barba?
This is a conversation she feels like she should've talked over with someone before she had one of the rookie officers pull up Elliot's address under the guise of a case and show up at his front door emotionally exposed.
"Liv?"
"Yeah," she answers weakly. "Do you understand? Please tell me you do. Or if you don't we can talk through it some more."
The sincere look in his eyes is enough to almost weaken her to the core. He's never been one to wear his emotions on his sleeve like she feels she has even though he claims to not always notice. He's opening the door and she's not sure if she should walk through it.
"I get it. I just wish we hadn't-I don't know. I just wish we would've talked more and you didn't shut me out that's all," she blows it off but it's more than that. The comfort of feeling safe is something she misses more than anything. If he didn't give her anything else, he always gave her that.
"And I'm sorry. Shit now that we are talking again I don't know what I would do if-I mean it's your decision but I want to be in your life. If you want to be. Whatever, however you want."
If only it were that easy. Deep down, she feels like there's some price he should pay for everything. For it all. For the nights she spent crying and questioning everything about their partnership for the past twelve years. For Bernie Stabler's words about him cutting people out of his life running through her head.
"I just gotta figure some stuff out. There's a lot going on you know that. I came here because I just needed to get some more answers that's all."
Grabbing her purse she maneuvers to stand up. "I need to get back to the office."
Her phone hasn't rung, no emergencies quite but what she really needed to do was consider everything. Noah, her concerns as a mother, her own mother, the drinking and work it had all come up during her session. Although she was told to take it all one day at a time, she couldn't help the anxious feeling of needing to make some sort of mental checklist to get one thing resolved at a time.
She once read somewhere that you start with the easiest things first because it makes you feel more confident and empowered when it's accomplished to tackle more difficult ones. As difficult as things had been with her and Elliot at one point, out of everything dealing with him seemed like the easiest in her list. Already she had been cutting back on the drinking but the ghost of Serena Benson was looming heavy in her stream of conscience and she had many more therapy sessions to weed through that.
Elliot stands up anxiously and grabs her jacket holding on to it as if it could keep her there longer. They stand awkwardly for a few long seconds before he finally hands it to her. "Thanks for taking the time to talk."
"Anytime. I'm usually just hanging around here but even so you have my number."
His hand touches hers and in an instant she closes her hand in his. The newfound level to their relationship gives her a comfort she needs.
"Ok, I will probably call you later or something," she says nonchalantly. His index finger begins to caress the outside of her hand. She looks down at their hands interlocked and back up into him and there it is again.
That pull. That electricity.
His eyes move down to her lips and he slowly leans in. Finally, he gives her a long peck and opens his eyes to stare back at her to make sure he hasn't overstepped. She closes her eyes and kisses him back. The kisses go longer and longer and his tongue licks her lips.
Olivia opens her mouth and then they are lost to one another. She lowers herself back down on the sofa and he quickly follows. Her cell phone, purse and jacket fall on the floor beside her. Elliot cups her face as he places kisses on her cheek and neck. Everything is moving so fast and when she has a moment to open her eyes and take it all in, Elliot is taking off his shirt. The sight of his muscles ignites a fire inside of her and suddenly it doesn't matter how they got to this point, if it's right or wrong or about Ed. She just wants him.
Olivia peppers kisses on his chest and he begins to tug at her shirt, removing it from the lip of her pants. She can't catch her breath. Hovering over her, he lays her head on the arm of sofa. As he begins to unbutton her blouse, she kisses the top of his forehead, her leg caressing along the seam of his pants and she can feel him. His desire for her pressing firm against her thigh and she moans in response.
Elliot is undoing the last button when she looks down at him and their eyes meet. He's asking for permission. Her breasts are heaving over her black lace bra, her face flushed with desire.
Damn she wants him. Her voice doesn't work so she does the next best thing. She reaches down between them and rubs against him through his pants, giving him her approval to keep going.
"Shit," he curses at her touch. He's rock hard and she sees the bulge straining in his pants. He leans over, kissing the dip in her cleavage, sucking at her hard nipples through her bra. Olivia moans and arches into his touch, his kiss. His mouth is warm and she begins to grind against him. Dying to get him in between her legs.
Elliot moves his mouth back up to hers, his left hand squeezing her breast while his right travels down and cups her between her legs.
"Ahh," she cries out and their tongues intertwine. Reaching behind her, he helps to get her blouse off. He sucks on her neck, sure to leave a mark while she throws the shirt to the floor. Their pace is intense and she is focused on removing every piece of clothing between them. His hand is on the button of her slacks when there are two quick knocks on his door.
Fuck. This can't be happening not right now. Not when he's so close to-
He hears the key and the door is opening.
"Hey Dad, I brought you-oh shit," Maureen stops immediately. Her eyes wide and mouth gaped open.
Olivia's eyes screwed shut in embarrassment and tries absently to feel for her shirt that is on the floor to cover herself up. Elliot hops up instantly throwing it on top of her and then reaches for his own.
"Maureen what the hell are you doing here? I thought you weren't going to use your key anymore," he says walking towards the door blocking her view while Olivia gets herself together.
"I'm sorry dad when you told me you and Pippa were on the rocks I didn't think I needed to-oh shit," Maureen curses again, her eyes wide as Olivia stands up and she finally gets a look at who the mystery woman was on the couch.
"Olivia?" she asks in disbelief.
"Hey," she throws up a weak wave and they are both blushing timidly. He feels like a teenager that just got caught making out on the couch.
"I'm sorry I umm-I uhh," Olivia picks up her jacket and phone nervously gathering her belongings.
Elliot holds his shirt in front of him as his erection finally settles down.
"Oh my god." Maureen quickly sets down the food she was carrying and pulls Olivia into a hug. She is clearly shell shocked but his daughter's affections towards her brings a smile to his face. "It's so good to see you. I was so worr-," she stops herself and pulls her into a hug again. "It's just good to see you."
"It's good to see you too. Look at you you're so grown up and beautiful," Olivia hugs her again and Elliot sees the emotion on her face. His kids were always close to her even though there were some rough patches with Dickie and Kathleen.
Elliot pulls his t-shirt back over his head as he shuts the door.
"I just brought dad some lunch, you should stay and eat with us," Maureen offers and starts pulling the sandwiches out of the bag. Olivia makes eye contact with him, silently begging him to help her out of this one. It was actually comical to see her so awkward considering the position they had just been caught in. As he opens his mouth to save her, her ringing phone does it instead.
"That's work," she holds up the phone to show Maureen and heads towards the door. "Another time ok?"
"Ok, I will hold you to that."
Instantly he feels a bit sorry for Olivia. If she think he's stubborn, his oldest daughter is a force to be reckoned with when she has her mind set on something.
"Ill see-I mean talk to you later," he mutters nervously when she's at the door.
"Ok," she responds barely making eye contact with him while rushing out. "Bye."
When the door shuts he feels Maureen's eyes staring a hole in his back but he can't deal with that right now. Olivia was here. Right here in his apartment and they almost-.
"Shit," he says aloud and scrubs his hand down his face. "Shit."
"What?" Maureen asks while he looks around for his shoes so he can run outside. There is one black Nike slipper but he can't find the other one. "Forget it."
Elliot barrels out of the door, down the stairs and catches her just as she makes it to her car door. "Liv," he yells out of breath.
"What's going on?"
"What you said back there. I didn't-"
Find your words Stabler. Now isn't the time to not be able to say what you need to say.
Olivia continues to stare at him in confusion and a bit irritated because she really does need to leave.
"I loved you too," he says approaching her. "I love you too," he stresses the present tense.
"El-," she starts.
"Shh," he places his hand over hers on the top of the car door. " I didn't say that for you to say it back. I said it because I wanted you to know. Because you should know. No matter what happens you need to know that."
Olivia smiles at him. It's both shy and appreciative. He'll take that. "Go ahead and get to work Lieutenant. We will talk later."
She nods her okay, gets into the car and drives off. Standing in the street, he watches her sedan disappear around the corner and exhales. He laid out everything he wanted to say, that he should've said years ago and couldn't. Now once again he just had to wait. Wait for her to decide what and who she really wanted. Either way, he wouldn't love her any less.