Author's Note: This chapter has a slightly different tone to it than the others. Don't worry they won't all be like this but just wanted to give a peek into what Olivia and her therapist discuss. Everything in italics is flashback from the therapy session. Thanks to all of you for continuing to read.

Olivia twirls the pen between her fingers, her leg shaking anxiously with her glasses balancing above her forehead deep in thought. It was a rare moment of silence in the squad room while Carisi, Rollins and Dodds had gone out in the field to follow a credible lead on Stassi's whereabouts. Both her and Fin had just finished sweating Mia again for some additional details about the men in and out of the apartment. Besides a name "Joaquin", they really don't have much else to go on.

Holding her breath, she silently hopes that she doesn't hear from Chief Dodds about this. Despite his upcoming retirement, he was still knee deep in everything. The day he left couldn't come soon enough.

Shit. She sits up straight for a moment remembering the retirement party next week. Now that she wasn't seeing Ed anymore and hadn't received an invitation personally it wasn't much of an issue. One less dress to buy, one less party to schmooze at. The last one she went with Dodds himself and it was nerve wrecking to say the least. Playing the political part of her role was something she still hasn't grown accustomed to. Cragen had his run ins with the brass from time to time but he handled it with much more poise than she feels she ever could.

Cragen. She misses him.

A good man, a fearless leader, a father figure when she didn't realize she needed one.

Olivia sighs and thinks back to her appointment earlier that morning with Dr. Lindstrom when his name came up. Ironically it was while she talked about her mother.

"So your mother left you, even though it wasn't her choice."

"It was her choice," she quickly interrupted. Sounding more defensive than she intended. "It was her choice to keep drinking."

"Just how it's yours to stop now. Do you think it was really that easy for her?"

"Yes"

"Why? Because it's been that easy for you?"

She rolled her eyes, focusing instead on the books on his shelf, the plaques on his wall. Anything while she gathered her thoughts. Ironically or maybe not so much it was in those moments that she thought of her former boss. The man who had been a surrogate dad to her was also an alcoholic. But with a much different outcome. He had gotten help and although he didn't talk much about his personal life she knew it wasn't easy for him especially with the pressures of the job, he managed to stay strong.

"What's on your mind Olivia?"

She nodded her head and laughed bitterly.

"My old boss. The one I looked at like my dad. He was an alcoholic too."

"Captain Cragen?"

"Yeah."

"Why is that significant to you?"

Shrugging her shoulders, she looks down at her interlocked fingers. "Because he overcame it. With everything in his life he didn't cave to the bottle or anything. He saw the same stuff I did everyday and he didn't…"

"You think that makes him strong and you weak."

"I don't know. I just wish I could adjust easier."

"Do you think he never struggled? That he never thought about breaking his sobriety?"

She didn't know the answer to that but she is sure he did.

"Do you think you are a better mother than yours was?"

An abrupt change of subject. Or maybe not. He's going somewhere with it she assumes. He always is. She shrugged her shoulders, looking up towards the ceiling as if it would give her some sort of answers. Life with Serena Benson definitely had its ups and downs. Mostly downs from what she can remember or maybe it's just that she chooses to remember it that way. There is no doubt that she loved her mother so if she did there had to be some good. The love wasn't just because she was her mother.

If there was anyone that knew that biology didn't build some automatic ability to love someone it was her. Her own negative feelings towards her biological father and her all consuming love for son were prime examples. It was the people she didn't share bloodlines with that she loved most. That had become her family.

"You said your mother was abusive at times?" He goads her along when she's stuck in her head again.

"Yeah. At times."

"If that's the case how can you even doubt that you are a better mother to Noah? Why are you so hard on yourself Olivia?"

He asked her the same question after Lewis. She managed to break free and save herself. She had managed to stay alive for four days despite everything that happened. And instead of feeling some sense of pride. All she felt was humiliation. Maybe she hasn't made much progress at all.

"Why do you have such high expectations for yourself but not for everyone else?"

"Because I can't control what they do. I know what I need to do. What I should do."

"And what's that?"

"Be a good mom, a good commanding officer, a good friend I don't know."

"And you think just because things go wrong sometimes or you mess up that you aren't all those things? No one is perfect Olivia. Not even you. If you keep chasing this false sense of perfection in yourself you will never be happy."

"Hey Liv you gotta sec?" Fin asks and notices her jump. "You ok?"

He inspects her and she puts her glasses back on. "Yeah I'm fine. What's up?"

"Looks like we got something. Joaquin Santos, 28 years old," she reads off the sheet he hands her. "Previous arrests for burglary, drug possession and rape. Well he certainly fits our MO"

"Yeah," he agrees handing her another paper. " I was able to get a little more out of Mia and did some digging with a few of my old connects. Seems like Joaquin is a part of a group of guys that's always causing trouble near East 51st."

"By the cathedral? Isn't that where St Patrick's is?"

"Yep."

"Good job Fin. Let's go pay him a visit. Have one of the officers keep an eye on Mia. If they know she talked she could be in trouble."

Fin examines her closely as she grabs her keys and gun from the drawer.

"What?" She asks when she catches him staring.

"Nothing. You just seem," he nods. "I don't know different. In a good way though," he quickly clarifies.

She still hasn't told him about Elliot's reentry back into her life and not sure why. She will one day because she owes him that. Fin had been the one consistency in her life. The only member of the old regime besides herself still standing. Rarely did they talk about anything personal especially now that she was his boss but out of everyone he has made the transition from player to coach easiest for her. And she was grateful.

"Well thanks I think," giving him a pat on the shoulder as they walk out the door. "Now come on let's get going."

It's a little after 10pm when Olivia drags herself up the stairs, the elevator had been taking too long. It was a long day but they had Joaquin in custody and enough from his statement to hold him overnight. By the time she left the precinct Fin and Dodds were taking a break from interrogating him.

As she approaches the door, she hears music that sounds like one of Noah's toys and Lucy's laughter. Putting her key in the door, she opens it stunned to see her son still on the floor playing. Lucy notices her surprised reaction and immediately begins to explain.

"I'm sorry Olivia. I tried everything but he's not going to sleep. I must've let him nap a little too long earlier."

Noah excitedly points to his masterpiece, "Mommy look."

"It's fine," she waves her off and hangs her bag and jacket on the coat rack quickly turning her attention to Noah. "What are you doing up little man?"

"I play with blocks," he answers as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

Getting on her knees next to him, she places a kiss in his mop of brown hair. "I see. Don't you think it's a little late for that?"

He shakes his head emphatically. "Nope." Her and Lucy giggle in unison.

Olivia helps him stack a few more blocks while Lucy gathers her belongings. "Tomorrow may be another long night," she explains.

"No worries. I'm just studying for exams so you are good," the sitter assures her waving goodbye to Noah.

"Mommy," he points to a new toy on the floor she hasn't noticed before. "Doggie."

"Yes a doggie."

"Uh oh," Lucy smiles a little embarrassed. "I think he may be throwing you a little hint."

Oh no.

"There was this little yorkie at the playground earlier today that he just fell in love with and he's been saying doggie all day. Even wanted me to get the toy dog from one of the vendors out there."

"Well he has to learn he doesn't get what he wants all the time at some point," she jokes. The last thing she needed in her life was a dog. Keeping up with Noah was enough of a challenge. "Good luck. He seems pretty determined," she waves on the way out. "See you tomorrow."

Glancing at her phone quickly to make sure she doesn't have any updates from work, she continues to play with her son for a few more minutes. It's late but there are rare times that they just sit and play together during the week. Only about five minutes have passed when she sees Noah begin to rub his eyes and yawn.

"Ok little man," she picks him up careful to avoid the mess on the floor. "Let's get ready for bed."

"Noooo," he whines weakly laying his head on her shoulder.

"Yeeees," she mocks him playfully. "You are barely hanging on."

When they walk into the nursery, she sits in the rocking chair next to his bookshelf. "Ok which book do you want Mommy to read tonight?"

More than likely he won't make it through much of the story but it's their nightly ritual. Not one to miss a beat instead of picking up one of the books she reads to him all the time, he picks up one of his "Clifford" books. The big red dog apparently more attractive now than ever for obvious reasons.

"Here," he hands it to her and settles back into her lap, his head against her chest.

Everyday he changes just a little bit more and she's both sad and proud to see him growing up. He was so quiet and to himself when she first brought him home from foster care. Both of them getting to know each other and feel each other out. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Her hand strokes his back gently while the other holds the book reading aloud to him. His soft breaths get more steady and without looking down at him she knows that he is asleep. A small smile plays on her lips as she rocks him for a few minutes longer. The apartment is quiet and still. The only sounds are their breathing and the light creaks of the chair as it rocks back and forth.

Olivia begins to hum softly in Noah's ear, continuing to rub his back. She doesn't know if the melody has a name, only where it came from. It was one that her mother would sing to her every once in awhile. One time she can remember when she was five years old and had the chicken pox. Scratching constantly, she was miserable and couldn't sleep. Serena climbed in bed with her and rubbed her hair while humming the tune. Instantly she felt safe and secure in her mother's arms. It was one of the unique times she was affectionate and she remembers even then wanting to stay awake and hold on to the moment because it was so foreign to her. Foreign but welcome. She craved her mother's love.

Olivia realizes she may not be perfect. There were nights she was going to be late and not be able to put him to bed but she promised that she would never let her son have to crave for her love. She would offer it willingly and every moment she could.

"I love you Noah," she whispers in his ear. "So much."

Kissing his forehead, she stands up gently placing him in his bed. "Good night sweetie."

As she closes the door, the faint sound of her phone vibrating against the counter catches her attention.

Expecting it to be work, she's surprised to see the name on the caller id. Elliot.

They hadn't spoken since the other day when he professed his love for her and they almost had sex on the couch. There were a few text messages exchanged here and there but she had been wrapped up in the case and couldn't talk for long.

Nervously rubbing her palm against her slacks, she answers the phone. "Hey."

"Hey," he responds and she can hear the uncertainty in his voice. "Sorry to call you so late. I figured you would still be up though."

"Yeah, I just put Noah down." She wanders to the front door double checking the lock and looking out the peephole. A habit she's developed since...him.

"Wow, he was up late. He okay?"

Olivia turns out the lights in the living room and wanders down the hall to her bedroom. "Yeah yeah everything is fine. He was just wound up when I got in and we played a little bit. Good thing is he should sleep until I wake up in the morning and not wake me up at 6am."

"Well that's good."

The line goes silent and she pulls the phone back to make sure he's still there. "El you still there?"

"Yeah I'm here," he rasps. "I guess I just-I guess we have to talk about it hunh?"

She breathes in deeply, sitting on the edge of her bed. Her shoes hit the floor with a thud and she rubs her hands through her hair.

"Yeah I guess we do."

Unsure of what to say she hopes he takes the lead. Elliot can still read her mind and he does. "Look I know that you have someone in your life and I'm not trying to mess up anything for you," he begins and she doesn't correct him. As harsh as it was, since ending things with Ed last night she hadn't given it another thought. She made the right decision. Her life was going in a different direction and she was holding on to a false sense of consistency with him because she has abandonment issues. Major ones. Getting into a relationship with someone she could never trust completely would lead to nothing but heartbreak.

"El you aren't messing things up for me," she assures him. "I didn't expect for everything to end up like it did. I really just needed some answers about...everything."

"Yeah. I know," he pauses. "Do you feel better about it all now?"

"I think what happened after kind of confirms that doesn't it?" she jokes and she hears his low laugh on the other end of the line. The tension starts to break, walls coming down. They can do this. They've survived awkward situations before.

"Yeah I guess it does. I hope I didn't-"

"No. I kinda initiated it remember?" Her voice is low and smooth. The tone of the conversation turning towards something...more.

"Yes," he pauses and she can hear what she assumes is him laying down. "I remember."

"I don't know if I will be able to look Maureen in the eyes again," she says walking to the bathroom and turning on the light.

His laugh is hearty in response. "Don't worry. I think you are fine, it's me who is getting the third degree."

"Oh no. What did she say?"

"Well," he sighs. "Apparently women sit around with ice cream and paint each other's toenails and talk about these things in depth. I had no idea."

Olivia chuckles, ridding herself of her work clothes. "You lived in a house full of women for years. Don't tell me this is news to you."

"It kind of is and let's face it. These talks about boys and what they do I chose to believe didn't happen in my house because that would mean something I wasn't quite ready to face."

"Ok former sex crimes detective," she counters grabbing one of her t-shirts off the door. She decides to just shower in the morning, not wanting to interrupt the phone call with Elliot.

"Hey sometimes denial works."

The statement grabs her attention. Probably for all the reasons it shouldn't. "Yeah. yeah I guess it does. I guess we did that for a long time."

He's silent on the other end and she wonders if she's gone too far. "El?"

Elliot clears his throat. "Yeah I'm here."

"I shouldn't have-"

"No," he interrupts. "No. I know this is weird for us. I feel like we've talked..really talked more in this short amount of time than we did the whole time we were partners. It just takes some getting used to that's all."

"Yeah it does."

The fact that Elliot left without a word was no doubt devastating for her in so many ways. But for him to come back into her life there had to be something that was unlike the past. While their partnership worked for her in all the ways she needed it to back then, the same dynamic wouldn't have worked for them now. It explained why she was unsure in the beginning of how he would fit in her life. It hadn't taken him long to show her that things were different now. And although they were the same people at the core, time and circumstances had smoothed out some of their sharper edges making them a better fit.

"So…..talk to me," she requests and snuggles into her bed. "About anything."

Elliot laughs and switches the phone to the other ear to get more comfortable. "We've been here before."

"I know and if you play your cards right maybe we will be here again."

"Is that right?" he asks and his voice drops again into that voice. "So when you say here. Is that as in on the phone or as in a repeat of what happened on my couch?"

Olivia laughs so loud that she hurries to put her hand over her mouth hoping that Noah didn't hear and wake up. "Considering we are on the phone right now, that's what I mean by here."

"Damn," he curses playfully. "How about a compromise?"

"And what's that?" she asks laying down in the bed comfortably.

"Phone sex."

She pulls the corner of the pillow over her mouth to muffle her amusement. "I never pegged you for the phone sex type."

"Be careful Lieutenant I may shock you every once in awhile."

"You definitely shocked me by what you said in the street after...that."

She thinks about not bringing it up. But there was something about them that made it okay now. They no longer had to hide from topics that normally would've been avoided.

He loved her. He loves her. And most importantly he told her. Yes. Things have definitely changed.

"Come on Liv were you really that shocked? I know I may have not always done the best job of showing it but it was always there. I thought...I thought that was why we kept such tight boundaries ya know?"

"I always thought we kept those boundaries because we were partners and you were married," she muses.

"We wouldn't have needed them if there was nothing there."

"Good point."

Elliot doesn't say anything at first. Just gives her time to think through everything. The peace between them a soft warm blanket they were both wrapped in. Serene. Relaxed. Safe.

"You may be getting a visit soon," he eventually speaks up.

That gets her attention. She wasn't sure yet how she would introduce him and Noah. Ed never met him but she already decided that Elliot would be in her life no matter what even if it wasn't romantic. There was no book called "Etiquette for when single mothers should introduce their kids to men they are seeing". She wasn't sure what to do.

"Don't worry it's not me," he responds reading her mind yet again. "Maureen strong armed me for your phone number so you may have one or two of my blonde haired offspring calling you shortly."

Olivia exhales in relief, her hand scraping across her face. "Uh oh you don't think it's a safe sex lecture do you?"

"Jeez," he chuckles. "I hope not. Although I can't promise anything because she did ask me if it was going to be our first time."

"Oh god," she shakes her head in embarrassment. "What did you tell them?"

"I told her the rate we were going if she had waited three more minutes we would've been done."

She covers her mouth again to hold the laughter. "I sincerely hope that's not true. You're a minute man Stabler? That's...disappointing."

"Maybe. Maybe not," he feigns nonchalance. "But I guess you will never really know unless you find out for yourself."

His voice practically oozes sex and her body begins to react. Goosebumps cover her skin, her lungs full of air she needs to expel. She can still feel him. Almost like they are right back in the moment. His big hands caressing every part of her body.

"El-we," she whispers.

"We what?" he whispers in return. "I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about you. I want us to finish what we started."

Her eyes slip closed. The memories flooding back full force. His lips had kissed her breasts causing her nipples to strain against her bra. One intimate touch from him and she had been ready to give herself fully and completely. As far as he knew she was still dating Ed. It didn't surprise her at all that he didn't care. If it were someone else, anyone else he would have a little more tact. When it came to respecting anything regarding Ed Tucker, Elliot didn't give a shit. And she didn't blame him.

"Liv are you there?" he asks when she's lost in her thoughts..again.

"Yes," she answers.

"I know that you are seeing someone," he acknowledges with a slight edge. "I'm sorry if-"

Olivia cuts him off. "Let's just talk about something else ok?" Eventually she would tell him the truth about the breakup but now wasn't the time. She wasn't sure how he would react and she was already vulnerable thanks to her overactive memory.

"Ok," he agrees. "We can talk about whatever you want."

Her mind searches for something. Anything to talk about while her body is struggling to calm itself down.

"A dog," she blurts out.

"What?"

Olivia clears her throat and throws the comforter off her body. The room suddenly too hot. Stifling. "Noah is trying to hustle me into getting a dog. He's throwing hints and everything."

Elliot chuckles low. "A dog? You? I don't know if I can see that one."

She closes her eyes briefly in relief. It works. They can navigate into safer territory.

"I don't know if I can either."

"I thought you were scared to death of dogs."

"I am not. I just don't have the time you know how busy my schedule is."

He laughs at her again. "True. There's no way you could be scared of dogs. You are seeing Tucker. The biggest bitch of them all."

She stifles her giggle and skips over the insult. "You will see. I could get a dog if I wanted to. I'll surprise you."

"You know how you could surprise me?"

Cooled off, she pulls the blanket back around her. "How's that?"

"Finish what we started," he challenges playfully.

"Goodnight Elliot," she strikes back her hand hovering over the end button.

Elliot tries to be serious in the midst of laughing. "No wait."

"What?"

"Don't hang up." He clears his throat to pull himself together. "Don't hang up yet."

The seconds tick by. "Are you done criticizing my possible dog handling skills?" she jokes.

"Yes I am. Before we say goodnight I just wanted to ask you something."

There is a twinge of disappointment that the phone call is ending but she shakes it off.

"What is that?"

He clears his throat again and she can sense his struggle. "Do-Do you love him?"

"No," she answers instantly. "No I don't."

Elliot exhales deeply. He's relieved and so is she. She may not be ready to say it to him but she can at least ease his mind that she doesn't feel that way towards someone else.

"Ok."

"Ok?" she asks gripping the phone tighter, her lips curling up.

"Yep. I mean you can't see me but I may or may not be up dancing in excitement."

Olivia giggles and rolls over into a fetal position, curling into herself. "You? Dancing? Speaking of stuff I can't see."

"Well I can always show you how I move."

She sighs in exasperation. "Goodnight. Elliot."

"Ok fine fine," he snickers. Clearly proud of himself for catching her off guard again. "Goodnight Liv. I love you."

Olivia stops in her tracks, gripping the phone tight against her hands. It was only the second time he said it but it pierces her heart just the same.

"I told you that you don't have to say it back. I guess I just decided that there were so many times I wanted to say it that I didn't I'm not going to miss any chance to let you know."

She screws her eyes shut feeling like she should say something. Anything.

"Sleep tight. Call me if you need anything." He fills the silence, taking the pressure off. But she tells herself he has to know. How could he not?

"Ok. I will." Her voice is low and unsure.

Elliot is silent for a moment longer and then hangs up.

Setting the phone back down on her nightstand, she runs her hands through her hair. Why couldn't she say it? She felt it. She had for years. But she hadn't told a man she loved her since Brian….when they were breaking up. And even then it wasn't the same as this. Before Brian it had been even longer since she said them.

Those three words were whispered in her head when she stood at Elliot's bedside during his many hospital stays. Even though a couple of those times Kathy was nearby. She hated herself for that but couldn't help the way she felt.

Now it's different circumstances. Different relationship. But same people. Same feelings.

She loves Elliot.

And when the time is right she plans to tell him.